Mother of adult sons

Annette - posted on 02/02/2009 ( 37 moms have responded )

17

21

4

Hello---are there any Mom's of adult sons out there to talk with?? i am a Mom of two,ages 25 and 20. The boys are as different as night and day! One is out in the workforce already ,but the younger one is away in his 3rd year of college. The older son lives within 2 miles of me,but he is still single and leads a pretty busy lifestyle---not to include Mom!! The baby attends college that is 300 miles from home! We rarely see him unless it's during the summer, and he usually has a job even then!! I am missing my boys and I feel they grew up on me overnight!! Any other lonely mothers out there???

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Pam - posted on 11/23/2013

1

0

0

I have just stumbled upon Circle of Moms ... and what a nice feeling to know I'm not alone with the roller coaster of emotions I've been on the last couple of years. I've two sons in their early 20s and have had a difficult time dealing with them moving out of home and having girlfriends - and now both engaged. I don't know how many times I have cried and wished I still had my two little boys. I feel we get the raw end of the stick all the time ie. they spend more time at the girls families places than with my husband and I. Youngest son moved out into a rental with partner just over 12 months ago and now they've moved back in with her parents. Today I took my elderly Dad out shopping (he's in a nursing home) and ran into my son, his partner and her mother - all out shopping together. It's almost like I'm not important anymore and it hurts like hell. No one ever told me how my heart would be broken by my sons....

Gabriella - posted on 04/04/2013

4

0

1

hi.
I am really having a hard time dealing with my 20 year old. We used to be so close and he used to talk to me about everything.
Now, I can't get a conversation going with him. I cannot ask questions..."to invasive".
I cannot give advise....".to untrusting of his capabilities".
I feel like he does not want me in his life.....like he is consciously trying to create a wall between us.
It hurts really bad. I miss my son terribly!
He moved out (with his girlfriend)....which was extremely difficult to accept.
I worry about it.....has had depression in the past.
I feel helpless. I want to be reassured that he is ok!
But we have lost that closeness we used to have.
I miss my little boy.
I noticed some other moms having the same type of issue. But I want to keep in regular contact with him. I cannot bear seeing him only rarely. I guess I want to "SEE " him happy and healthy and
want to continue to be part of his life.
You wisdom, PLEASE!

Sandy - posted on 02/18/2014

5

0

0

Hello Annette, I definitely a lonely mom! My sons are almost 23 and 28. It's like they have disappeared. They are both engaged and are getting married this summer. It's tough not being a part of their lives anymore! I don't understand why we aren't! It's like parents of daughters think we don't care or it doesn't matter as much to us but it DOES!! Always being so close to my sons, I can't believe this is happening! If I try to explain how we feel, they think we shouldn't be upset. I wanted them to grow up independent and make a happy life for themselves but not at the expense of forgetting the people who cared for and loved you you're whole life! I know they don't think it's that big of a deal but it really is. It's hard when one day they are there and the next, gone. I don't expect to be in their business but we still want to be apart of their lives. Hopefully at some point they will realize this. I hate to say it but I think the girls have something to do with it. I'm glad I stumbled on this site. I was beginning to think I was the only one out here! Maybe this place can help me feel better about and maybe understand this new chapter in our lives.

Sandy

Cynthia - posted on 07/31/2013

2

0

0

So true. There seems to be a social stigma that adult married men are "mamma's boys" if they spend alone time with their mothers. They have to show their wives they're not so it's all about the father and mother is ignored. Who did the work raising them?? Do they ever grow out of that or is it when we're dead that they figure out how important we were?

Sandy - posted on 02/18/2014

5

0

0

This is in reply to Pam Tickner's post. It's like you were telling my story. I have two sons ages 23 and 28. Both engaged, both getting married this summer. I feel like my heart has been broken. My youngest also lives with his fiancé's parent. It's only a half hour away and he says it's too far to come home for a visit. My oldest works so much, he's just too busy. His fiancé is from Louisiana and wants to relocate there after they marry. Our little family was always so close. We would always talk, laugh and just be a family. It is very different now. I wanted them to grow up to be independent and have there own happy life, I just didn't think I would be forgotten. It's like we didn't have them. Every day I really try not to let it get to me but the ache never goes away. I only want us to be remembered. Maybe a call now and then. It's so difficult. All the while they were growing up, we were always involved with both sets of grandparents. I knew how important that was and thought I was planting good seeds. I miss them. Just because they are sons doesn't mean we want to see them any less. Why is it the girl and her family always get him there way? Oh, I don't know, I could go on and on! I just wish there was a way to make them understand how much we still care too! Thanks for the time here.
Sandy

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

37 Comments

View replies by

Meriam - posted on 09/23/2014

1

0

0

I have three sons. It is with the oldest that I have, I am not sure what, an estranged relationship. He is 43. I have another son with whom I am very close, and my youngest is a really respectful and loving son. The son with whom I am very close was like that when he was very young. Although young sons tend to be close to their mother, sometimes you can pick up on how close you can be in the future years. With my close son, 41, it was always that way. With my oldest, 43, although he was close when he was very small, I sensed that he was in another place somewhere in dreamland. He always called me when he needed something, but sometimes, and we should not let it be too upsetting, we get replaced. There are sometimes things that are like red flags, like I have loaned my 43 year old money, never got a penny back. I am not angry, just disappointed and that disappointment is for him. I can afford the loss, but none of us can afford to give up our integrity. Also, I truly believe that my very close son has a wife that adores me as I adore her. And that makes a difference, a big difference. We can't have a close relationship with our sons if there is not a good connection with our sons and their ladies. My 43 year old son has, in my opinion, a very controlling wife, and she really never liked me. Yes, wives tend to pull our sons in the direction of their families. Not a problem, but we need a strong life of our own. I have tried everything with my 43 year old son, calls, emails and he does not answer. For me and my new friends who can identify with that dilemma, I can only say that we must build on our own lives, love our sons and do our best to not be hurt or make ourselves sick. It may not be entirely us, it may be them (our sons). We are not perfect, we all have made mistakes. And a lot has to do with the influence they have from their wives, it can be all powerful. I have one lovely daughter, and that is not a perfect relationship either, but she is great. We have one life to live, and live it with happiness, joy, integrity and with the best of health. My very best. Meriam

Janet - posted on 08/31/2014

1

0

0

Join the club... We are not alone. I have 2 sons, 48, 46, and 38. After they are out, married, working, and with families, they are gone. They belong to their wives and their wives' families. I have been totally devastated by the ignoring me from 2 of the sons and am somewhat in tact with my 3rd younger son. I had heard that this is an epidemic regarding our adult children moving out into their own and not sharing any attention, respect, and/or care regarding me. Yes, I divorced their father when they were teenagers, but a loveless marriage had left me mentally and emotionally ruined.

I have been looked down upon, ignored, prevented from seeing my grandchildren, and whatever ties we may have had. It is a great time to let go and let God. Honestly, daughter in laws are very jealous and possessive. We really do not have a place in their family any more. I had my 3rd son 9 years after the other 2 and they were all jealous of him and jealous of one another and it was exhausting to deal with. They all have to prove themselves against one another etc.....

My husband at the time was non supportable, did not belly up to the bar of fatherhood, and there is just so much one person can do.

I treasure all the photos, wonderful memories. I get to phone my grandchildren now and it is amazing to to hear their voices of love and the feeling of connection as long as I focus on them. I do continue to remember all of my son's birthdays, and their family's birthdays. As a Christian, I have to do this because no matter why and/or how much they do not like you and/or disrespect you, we much brave the course of love that we have been shown. Wait until things do not go so well for them, and/or they lose one of us parents... they are just selfish, immature, and we have done too much for them... Somehow, they have not learned the respect that they should have learned.. This is a very common phenomenon; however, and we just need to bide our time and stop looking for them to give us our pride, our value, and our identity. We must forge ahead and make our lives interesting .... I live with pain, depression, and sadness about my losses of my sons' affections, but I pray, remember so many wonderful memories, that they fuel my imagination with being in "real time".

Nancy - posted on 07/28/2014

1

0

0

Hello: It's the old adage, ladies: "A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life!" Unfortunately, I had only sons... 3. They are fully grown and all on their own. I taught them to be independent and responsible and they are all of that! It seems the only time they contact me is when they NEED something... I get it! They are men and it's something about feeling WEAK if they have to be around their mother. Plus, I have heard from their women they think my sons are all "Momma's boys!" They aren't. The term is used incorrectly all the time. Just because they LOVE their mother doesn't make them "Momma's boys"!
My sons are here on holidays with their families but that's about it. I don't get weekly calls or calls frequently from anyone except my middle son! He comes over once a week and goes out of his way to spend time with me and help me.

Yes, it hurts to be left alone but maybe that's best. To hear about their daily struggles all of the time would be consuming. Be grateful, I guess, that they are well, working and keeping their families together. We, as mothers of grown children, need to keep out of their "business" and do something for ourselves to fill the void.

Be happy for the time you have together, relish in their successes and be there for them if they fail. That's what we all did when they were little, only they lived with us. Now they don't.

Life is a learning experience, even for us. We have to learn to let go and respect them as adult children. Then when we are together, it will make that time even more special.

Good luck to all of you. Pray for guidance... it helps!

Traysee - posted on 07/25/2014

2

0

0

I am the mother of 3 boys...........It feels like yesterday I was taking care of babies. Now they are all grown: 24, 28, and 31. I miss being a mom terribly

Traysee - posted on 07/25/2014

2

0

0

I am the mother of 3 boys...........It feels like yesterday I was taking care of babies. Now they are all grown: 24, 28, and 31. I miss being a mom terribly

Heidi - posted on 05/11/2014

1

0

0

I found this site out of desperation. Its Mothers Day. My sons 20 and 22 didn't call.
I ama glad they are both doing well at college but I know they also have th emotional hurdles of young adulthood that they have to negotiate. They don't discuss them with me at all like they did when they were younger. Even as teen agers I remember long talks around the kitchen table about their relationship, classes, friends and worries.
I really miss being part of their lives. The short phone and text messages are very superficial.

I envy several of my friends whose young adult daughters confine in them and stay in much better contact. Do you think that id more common with mothers and daughters?

My ex has a closer relationship because he still works on cars with them. The younger now even lives with him part time when the dorms get too overwhelming. Guess who did most the work raising them, shuttling them around, attending their events and welcoming their friends? It wasn't their Dad!

If you read this thank you! just need to vent.

Mimi - posted on 01/20/2014

1

0

0

I have wondered if I was alone in the way I feel ! I call it "Always the Mother-of-the-Groom". Smile and keep your mouth shut! Why is it they are all up in HER mother and family yet HIS family only gets 3% of their time? As females, we had no part in the gender of the children we had. We did the job of raising the now husband, yet we are about #9 "on speed dial" ! We are the last to know anything, we are only called on to keep the kids when "her" Mom cannot do it. It hurts so badly to see facebook pics of my d-i-l , her Mom and her children: going to the mall, the Christmas parade, pre-school events....etc. (Like we don't want to be included?) It also hurts when my friends are always out shopping with their daughters, I am alone! They vacation together, but not with us !

Tina - posted on 12/13/2013

2

0

0

i understand completely! My son was my world after divorce yrsa ago, even before. HGe was my foundation I guess as I could focus on him and doing so helped fill the void of divorced life.

Tina - posted on 12/13/2013

2

0

0

oh mom of 25 yr old who stops in to do laundry or dinner only and only time i get to see him. I was surprised how much I missed my son, who will always be my baby, the youngest.

Jacqueline - posted on 01/28/2013

3

0

0

yes. My son who is 27 bounced back two years ago. He is moving out in a week and a half. I am becoming an empty nester all over again. My son is not one to call regualry or vist at all. It wasn't supposed to be iike this.

Carolyn - posted on 11/10/2012

2

10

0

I have a 24 year old son who got married last December. He is in law school and working a full time job. He and his wife just had a baby girl. I'm already being pushed out of the baby's life by the baby's other grandmother and my son's wife's two sisters. I get stared down by the two sisters if they come over and I am holding the baby. It is very uncomfortable for my husband as well as myself. We don't want to make waves. My son doesn't seem to see it. I have been waiting 50 years for a baby girl as I also have a son, 18 who is in his first year of college and lives away from us. I'm besides myself and not sure how to feel. I was not included at all in the wedding unless it came time to make a payment.

Patti - posted on 10/21/2012

2

0

0

Lisa, I too have a son in the military who served a tour in Iraq. It seems to me that the boy I raised has walked off the face of the earth and this man who no stands in his shoes no longer wants to reminise about when he was a boy and spends all his time avoiding any opportunities to be close to me. Someone suggested he maybe having Post traumatic stress disorder but I say these changes before he went to war. We had a hugh blow up 2 months ago when I went to visit after which he started screaming that I don't RESPECT him. I couldn't even tell you what the heck he was referring too because within 5 mins my husband and I were told to leave, I have no Idea what to do other than leave him alone and forget he even has a Mom.

Patti - posted on 10/21/2012

2

0

0

Pamela, I feel exactly the same. I have two son's. Both married, he oldest has 1 daughter and the other son has 5 girls. They are 40 ad 34. I always prided myself on having a great relationship with both son's all the years growing up. That is UP until the time they married. They have turned into men I barely know. Their wives were intimidated by our closeness and it seems like they spend their lives proving to them they no longer need their mom's. It's very hurtful but nothig ever changes,

Lisa - posted on 10/04/2012

1

0

0

It felt great to see other moms with the same feelings and thoughts I have.



I was very close to my eldest son who is now turning 27.

It was funny when I sent him off 7 years ago to join the military of which he loves. He did not want me to hug him and barely said goodbye. It was so strange as it played out like nothing I imagined. I thought he would say,' thank you mom for all you have given me and I love you and will miss you!.' No nothing. I held strong and did not cry and wished him well like I was fine till I pulled out of the parking lot. Tremendous heart pain.



. My son looks for me to not treat him like a baby and respect him as the man he is. I only see the boy I knew and miss so terribly. I hopelessly wait to spot that boy in him because I knew the boy better than this man.



Sad mom

[deleted account]

Quoting Annette:

Mother of adult sons

Hello---are there any Mom's of adult sons out there to talk with?? i am a Mom of two,ages 25 and 20. The boys are as different as night and day! One is out in the workforce already ,but the younger one is away in his 3rd year of college. The older son lives within 2 miles of me,but he is still single and leads a pretty busy lifestyle---not to include Mom!! The baby attends college that is 300 miles from home! We rarely see him unless it's during the summer, and he usually has a job even then!! I am missing my boys and I feel they grew up on me overnight!! Any other lonely mothers out there???



Hello, I am a Mom of 2 sons also; ages 30 (come Febr) and 26.  They both live close and we do see each other fairly often, they are really good about making sure we have the grandbabies (almost 3 years old).  They have a close relationship to each other too but I want to know WHY don't adult sons talk to their mothers? Is it a 'guy' thing?  I'm sure they know how much I love them and I also know that they love me; but they just don't talk to me; share things with me.  Sometimes they act like they are embarrassed of me or don't show they love me; it hurts at times but my husband just reminds me that they do love me.  I'm so glad we have the little grandchildren, they make you feel alive and keep you movin'.  One day you will have some too - and they are FUN! I've not been on this yet so this is my first reply-it's always nice to share with others and know that someone else may be going through the same thing you are. 

[deleted account]

im sure mine do love me, but they dont show it very often, which is a great shame, and very hard to accept.i bought them up on my own since they wer 3 & 5. i put my heart and soul into giving them support, a good family life, love,presents,i made sure they had family, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins in their lifes.when they wer around 8 and 6, my parents died and that devasted me, but again i did what i could for my children to make their lifes good. i did it, cos thats what mums do. put their children first...im sure youl agree?....all i got told by my kids, was we never asked u too!!!!!!!they dont appreciate me, i feel. they are mainly not bothered about spending time with me. things are better now then they was.but i still feel neglected.

Jeanie - posted on 11/19/2009

3

0

0

i too have two grown sons just as different as day and night too. My youngest is all about taking care of mom but the older one is into himself and his wife lol still no grans and they are 29 and 27 so i too get lonely some days and feel bad about it but know that they do love me but have their own lives and that is the hardest part of growing up for a mother to go thru. willing to chat

[deleted account]

it is extremely hard wen our boys fly the nest.girls tend to keep in touch with mums sharing,fashion tips, lovelifes,boyfriends,house and home furnishings etc, but boys, once gone thats it,they end up with partners that fulfil the rolls we once did.

Rina - posted on 05/24/2009

3

0

0

Quoting Annette:

Mother of adult sons

Hello---are there any Mom's of adult sons out there to talk with?? i am a Mom of two,ages 25 and 20. The boys are as different as night and day! One is out in the workforce already ,but the younger one is away in his 3rd year of college. The older son lives within 2 miles of me,but he is still single and leads a pretty busy lifestyle---not to include Mom!! The baby attends college that is 300 miles from home! We rarely see him unless it's during the summer, and he usually has a job even then!! I am missing my boys and I feel they grew up on me overnight!! Any other lonely mothers out there???


Hello, we have 2 boys, aged 19 and 22.  The youngest is doing his 1st year at Varsity and the eldest is out in the workforce already, doing his 1st of 3 year Articles to qualify as a Chartered Accountant.  He got his BCom (Hons) last year.  I am very lonely as the eldest one got married a month ago and the youngest live in his own place that he shares with a friend close to varsity and comes home every 2nd weekend if he can.  I have to agree, they grew up so quickly, as you say overnight.  Mine are also two different children with different personalities, but they are the love of my life.  Hope to hear from you again.  Rina

[deleted account]

most defently,thats jus how i feel, that my sons grew up overnite.i have two sons too, aged 23 and 25. the oldest left home approx 3 years ago, and moved in with a girl, they are getting married in two wks, and hav a little girl, wen he was at home around his 21 we wer still very close as we had been previously, but now we are like strangers.his partner dislikes me.i dont see my grandaughter.iv seen them once briefly since xmas, wen they popped into my place of work.and the youngest moved out jus over a year ago, and now his partner who i do get on with is pregnant,but again i hardly ever see them, neither my sons contact me, they both live relativley close, but we could be thousands of miles apart from the amount i see them.and by the way u look far to young to have kids of that ages.i miss my boys, it feels as if iv wasted all those years being a parent to them.

Kathy - posted on 03/14/2009

1

6

0

HI Annette! I also raised 2 sons my oldest is 36 and the younger one is 35. They will both have a birthday  this month. They were like twins growing up, but different as night and day, too! The younger one is about 8 inches taller than his brother and has been since they were teens! Everyone always thought the younger was the older!



Yes I have been through that lonely feeling, too. both my sons left home at about the same time. The older on now lives in Indiana with his wife and 2 kids one of which is my only granddaughter! I only get to see him and his family about once a year. The younger one lives only three miles from me and he has 4 boys of his own! Needless to say I get a lot of time with my grandsons!



My life was pretty lonely before the grandkids came along, but now I stay pretty busy just hanging out with them.  Don't worry when you have grandchildren your life will be full again! In the meantime like Pamela said get out there and do something good for YOU!!



I am lucky and blessed that I have a good relationship with my sons and their wives, so not being the only woman in their lives anymore isn't so hard to bear! :-)



 

Annette - posted on 02/28/2009

17

21

4

Thanks for the reply,Gale. Nice to talk with you about our boys!!! I have a situation similar to yours with my older son, and I certainly know what you mean about sometimes wanting to just run away! I just will be so glad when he decides it's time to GROW UP!!!! Some of the things he considers FUN seem to bring him much harm lately, and I rarely like any of his friends!!Oh well--anyway--good luck with your sons!

Gale - posted on 02/26/2009

2

11

0

Hi i know how u feel i have 2 boys 23 and 19 night and day they are never home all of a sudden feel very sad miss them so much just eat and sleep older one is in college younger one driving me crazy he was diagnosed with adhd at 19 so im trying to help him as much as i can but i really want to run away lol

Jessica - posted on 02/26/2009

2

15

0

I have just one boy and he is ten. I spent the past two years working full time and going to grad school at night. I feel like I lost the last two years. I'm really, really trying so hard to make up for that before, like you, I feel he grew up too fast and I'm missing my little guy. I sure love that kid!

Shade - posted on 02/24/2009

16

23

1

I have a 19yr old that thinks he is older than his parents and 12yr that thinks whatever his older one does he has to as well. My older one, I have to beg to come home now from uni because i miss him so much but the younger one thinks we dont need him. My older one is more helpful than the younger one but I dont tell them thisand I know when my 12yr old goes uni, he will really come home no matter what I say. So although I still have my younger one at home, I know I am going to be in the same situation soon. I will always be there for them whenever they need me as mum and I hope that they dont forget me as they get older. That is what mums are there for beeing there and hoping they get their lives right in the end.

Annette - posted on 02/13/2009

17

21

4

Susan--thanks for the reply. Wow--so you just went through a wedding!!! I hope that will be a while for me yet!! My oldest hasn't quite found that just-right girl,but the younger son in college has been dating the same girl for 4 years now. She is a sweetheart, and I feel will eventually be my daughter-in-law. Maybe by then--I will have learned to let go of them a little more!!!

Annette - posted on 02/13/2009

17

21

4

Thanks Pamela for the nice reply. I am trying to let go of my sons, but it is rather painful at times.I know you are a very busy mother with 3 sons!! Any grandchildren yet??

Susan - posted on 02/04/2009

1

10

0

I have 2 adult sons (23 & 20). The oldest just got married and the younger one still lives at home. He works 2nd shift and I don't see him very often. They do grow up fast.

Pamela - posted on 02/04/2009

1

2

1

I have 3 sons, 34, 27 and 21. I certainly have been where you are. It is a time of adjustment. You are their Mom and will always hole that place in their hearts, but they are at a time of developing their own lives and living their dreams. Really would we have it anyother way? As difficult as it is feeling you are now on the side lines, it can be interested to watch them continuing to grow into manhood. In the mean time it is also a time for you to reflect and maybe began to do somethings for yourself that you were denied giving of yourself to your boys. Be encourage ...life is good.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms