Dads assisting Daughters with underwear area

Dionne - posted on 06/19/2011 ( 31 moms have responded )

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I was wondering how many dads assist their daughters with bathing, putting underwear type items on, dressing, showering or bathing, things on that line. My daughter is 9 and considered moderately delayed for sure. She cant pass the tests so they don't reallly know if she is closer to mild or severe developmently delayed. Her dad really gets annoyed if I tell him I will take care of her body needs. She is able to do some of her own care taking but needs assistance with some parts. I was curious if other dads were like this.

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Constance - posted on 06/20/2011

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My husband does get nervous if he has to help either of our girls with personal care. That only comes from idiotic people in this world thinking a father that helps their disabled daughter is a pervert. He doesn't want to have to deal with CPS for the umteenth time.

Amy - posted on 06/22/2011

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Everyone has great points!! Depending on your generation it will depend on what the father thinks and feels. Its a wonderful thing when a father wants to help and dont take affense if he doesnt either, like I said it has to do with generation, media, what other people with think and all that fun stuff sometimes. :0) It comes down to what you both feel is right and comfortable. Plus if this was a boy there wouldnt even really be a discussion, right. Like it was already said "she is his baby too." Just fallow your heart and let him help if he wants. :0)

Dawna - posted on 06/21/2011

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My wheelchair dependent daughter is almost 13, and she is very modest, HOWEVER, she doesn't mind Dad helping her out with her bowel routine which involves getting pretty close and personal, LOL. He does it probably 75% of the time, in fact. She has usually changed into her night clothes, so she is covered on top. My daughter IS capable of doing it herself and has done so when we are out for the night and Gramma or big Sis are here with her, but when we are home, she gets a little help. I think she just accepts that this is an area she can use a little help with and it's not weird or anything. If she has a bowel accident that requires both of us to clean her up, there isn't any awkwardness. It's just something that needs to be taken care of. That being said, he does not assist her in bathing or everyday dressing, as she is capable of taking care of that herself.

Lynn - posted on 06/20/2011

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She is his baby too. Might be for a long time yet. Don't insult him, he sounds like a good man to even want to help with such a task. Once she develops body hair and starts menstruating she will be in women's only territory, for the sake of her dignity. Use your discretion and value his help. It won't be able to be given for much longer....

Brooke - posted on 06/29/2011

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My husband assisted me with my daughter until she hit puberity and then he felt uncovertable not that he was bothered by her but she wanted to give her respect and privacy of becoming a woman.

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Barbie - posted on 07/29/2011

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Our daughter was born at 28 weeks & is developmentally delayed with a seizure disorder. Her Dad has helped with her care all the way up to puberty. And still will help now if absolutely needed. But I don't put him in that position now if I can help. He is a very good Dad & a good man. Most women know when they have a good man they can trust. I don't think in these cases with special needs kids that a father should ever feel bad or funny about taking care of their child. God bless all the wonderful Dad's out there that are willing to help.

France - posted on 06/29/2011

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I am sorry to hear that. Hopefully you will find a solution with all the people who post on this board. It is difficult to have children who are different not a lot of example out there. Follow your gut feeling.

Cynthia - posted on 06/28/2011

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As long as he is comfortable with it, I would trust him to help you as long as he can. My husband passed away 4 years ago, but I had been taking most of the personal care of her before then. She was 12 when he died. He told me that he had started feeling a little "uncomfortable" about it and I appreciated him being honest with me. They loved each other very much and she was always his special little girl. He took care of her when she was a baby also, because I had to go to the office while he was recuperating from heart surgery so they really bonded. My daughter still needs a lot of help with her self care and still not potty trained, and cannot talk very well. She has Downs. I just think you should take the help while you can get it because some day you may be on your own, and maybe her daddy still feels he can do this without compromising the situation. It probably makes him feel you don't trust him enough. Although believe me, I find it hard to trust anyone with my daughter. She's 16 now, but she is so vunerable, like a 3 yr old. One of her brothers will have main guardianship of her when I am gone. I have to put my trust in God.

Shibani - posted on 06/25/2011

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I think if u trust your husband then he can help out but i would just be there just so she feels comfortable.

Sylvia - posted on 06/25/2011

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would you be the same about your son? my hubby has never ever said anything about me with are son? .... its her dad not a strange man i can see why he is botherd ....

Dionne - posted on 06/24/2011

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Constance, Thanks for the suggestion! It back fired for me but I am glad it worked for your situation!

Dionne - posted on 06/24/2011

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Karla, I already discussed it with my counselor and her counselor a few weeks ago. This question was mostly for my knowledge not so much regarding her or even him. She has some communication skills just not a lot. I do what is best for the kids, sometimes it takes a bit to figure it out but they are the priority. Even the one that treats me like their dad treats me. I do not know if I have done what is best for them but I try to do what is best for them. Thanks again for the input, sometimes I don't think of everything!

Dionne - posted on 06/24/2011

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Constance, I have been there done that and even tried again. All he did was say if you are going to compare me to my dad I will be my dad. It made things worse.

Karla - posted on 06/24/2011

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Dionne, Of course you needn't post details; I would be sure to mention this issue to your counselor, in detail, and get his/her take on the situation. Also, I just realized none of us has talked about how your daughter feels about this. Is she cognitive enough to express her opinion? I would factor that in as well.

Best wishes, and a friendly {{{hug}}} Hang in there.

Constance - posted on 06/24/2011

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Dionne I don't know the full story with your marriage and I won't pry. Just something that I had to do with my husband because nothing seem to work. We have been having severe problems for about 8 years and finally when his company I didn't go with him. I needed space and so did he. He has been in asshole mode for a long time but he just resently reconnected with his father after 25 yrs. Now the behavior he has had he sees in his father and doesn't like it. So he starting to sound like the man I met 17 yrs ago. I am not saying this is right for you but if you can get him to see what you see then it might help.

Dionne - posted on 06/24/2011

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Karla: I have been to counseling several times in past throughout this marriage. I am currently in counseling again as well. Thanks for the suggestion though! And YES this is more complicated, I wanted it to stay simple.
Just a note to clarify, Only I am in counseling plus 3 of 4 children. THANKS AGAIN FOR SUGGESTING IT:)

Karla - posted on 06/24/2011

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Dionne, I respectfully suggest getting some counseling; this sounds much more complicated than your original post indicated.

Dionne - posted on 06/24/2011

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There is more to our marriage issues than I posted. I wanted to know mostly if other dad's help their daughters. For me to find out what would be considered normal in a functioning household. So w/o getting into the problems in this marriage I do not have a network of face to face people to ask so I figured I would ask here.

Amy: I do have a son who is 11, I tend to all his bathroom needs as well since the dad refuses to help him. Maybe 1/50 times his dad will help him. I also have a 20+ son who his dad will not help with that age appropriate items either. His response is I had to figure it out myself so can these two. Only he supposedly has a high IQ and three out of four of our children have a genetic disability causing developmental delays and lower IQ's which prevents them from figuring it out.

He was rasised with this saying and takes it to heart:: Mothers and sons, Fathers and daughters. I disagree with this statement.

So for Rebekah and her husband there is more than meets the eye with my post.

France: he does not have communication skills, I have tried talking to him and he does not comprehend where I am coming from.

Rebekah - posted on 06/23/2011

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My question is why is the husband getting mad if the wife wants to bath her daughter. Both me and my husband find that odd which is what the issue is

Rebekah - posted on 06/23/2011

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I know this much if my husband dont help me i get upset. We have delt with DHS over sexual abuse accusations. He will not bath them and that is not what ticks me off. Its if i have to bath and dress and brush their teeth. If i have to do everything. The husband should help. Im sorry but we are not A sexual. And we shouldnt have to take care of the kids and do house work and cook. This isnt 1950. Its 2011 and if we moms got paid for doing what we do we would make $ 60,000 year.

Karla - posted on 06/22/2011

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I guess I look at it in terms of the medical field, both women and men are nurses, and both women and men are doctors; and they treat both genders. Another way to look at it, if it were your son in the same situation would you feel you should not help him?
I think your hubby is right in this case.
Best wishes with everything!

Candace - posted on 06/22/2011

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My daughter is 7 years old and still requires quite a bit of help in daily care. She stills does not dress herself very well and needs help with personal cleaning. My husband does help with this and my older son helps with dressing as long as she already has on panties. I can tell that he will not be helping her for much longer though.

Rebekah - posted on 06/22/2011

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Split the days of the week up between the 2 of you so that way its not all on you or all on him

Rebekah - posted on 06/22/2011

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I think its kinda odd to it should be both of you taking care of the one in need

France - posted on 06/22/2011

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not mine. My daughter has cerebral palsy. I need some help from my husband because she is too heavy for me now. Dad assist me but when she become a young lady he was really uncomfortable with this. We had a conversation and told him to think as if he was a nurse and it was a part of his job. I think it is odd that your husband take offense of you wanting to take care of your daughter. Have a chat with him and see where he is coming from.

Glenda - posted on 06/22/2011

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Our daughter is almost 12 and my husband gives her a bath every night! As long as she's comfortable with it, we're fine with it. It helps me out so I don't
have to lift her! He also helps with toileting, dressing, and anything that needs to be done! She's such a daddy's girl, she prefers he does these things anyways! She's not physically capable of doing these things herself and will always need help in all of these areas. He will continue to do whatever needs to be done as long as she is comfortable with it!

Rebekah - posted on 06/22/2011

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I do all the bathing my husband wont wash my kids. My father is the same way,he is so picky.

Stephanie - posted on 06/21/2011

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my daughter is 17 and my husband still changes diapers and bathes her. developmentally she is 2 so she can't help with any of these needs. I don't see anything wrong with it, he is taking care of her just like if she were a infant .

Windy - posted on 06/21/2011

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I hadn't thought about this yet as my daughter is only 2, but daddy helps bath her and change her diaper. I think as long as the child and daddy are comfortable with it, it is fine. Lynn is right not all men are willing to help, so be greatful that you have one that is. :-)

Staci - posted on 06/21/2011

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My husband helps with our 8 year old daughter who is non- verbal, global developmental delayed and seizures. He helps with the bathing to changing diapers and putting clothes on. He doesn't mind one bit!! He's her dad!!

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