Father just had another child that is healthy

Alicia - posted on 12/08/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )

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My daughter's sperm donor just had another child with someone else. I feel so hurt and angry that he gets another chance with a "normal" child. Are my feelings normal? He has not seen our daughter in almost 5 years and she's 7. Anyone else gone through this?

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Edith - posted on 12/15/2010

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My situation is some what the same the only difference is he didn't have another baby but he has turned his back on my daughter because his new woman doesn't want him to have a relationship with his kids, my daughter (who has Downs) isn't the only child affected by his decision he has 4 other children (1 other child by me & 3 children by 2 different woman). I know the anger you are talking about because I would never turn my back on my kids for NO MAN & I know that it's effected all his children, his oldest & only son has been in & out of Juvenile Detention Centers for the last year because he misses his father trying to get his attention. My children by him are 3 & 2 (The 2 year old has DS) they don't even know him at all the 3 year old only knows him by his name if you ask her "What's your Daddy's name" other than that they cry if he tries to pick them up or even hold them. I have prayed about this & I knew the best thing for me to do was for my sanity was to leave & I did I left the whole state. I still have the anger because I am raising 2 kids by myself (I have 6,4 are grown up but their father was there) but I also have pity for him because he is the one missing out on 2 of the greatest girls a mother can ask for. Even with my baby having a lot of medical problems & developmental delays due to her Downs she is the sweetest baby who touches everyone's life she comes into, we nicknamed her "Precious" because of it. He is missing all of that not me!! So keep your head held high & know that he will never experience the Special Love that you & I get from are Special Children!!

Nicole - posted on 12/14/2010

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we have talked to the doctor about IFV ( well least i have) i am the only one that can make the appointments because of his work. Honestly, if i had another child with albinism i would welcome that child with open arms. my daughter is lovely. she may not be able to see well but i would hope she does not use that as a crutch for the rest of her life. the only life threating thing to albinism is HPS but you have to carry it for the child to get it. that i do not think we carry. However that is what the test results we are getting in January are for. We would not be able to afford IFV anyways and the other option given to us was abortion. but we can't get tested for it till 16 weeks gestation. and im sorry but that is too far along to me to try to abort a pregnancy for a lame reason. if it was something more serious and life threating i would consider. my SO on the other hand wouldn't handel another one so well. he has told me he wants at least one typical child. but is fine not taking the risk of another and being happy with what we were blessed with.

Anne - posted on 12/14/2010

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I know exactly how you feel. My eldest has severe global developmental delay (no speech and totally incontinent - 16yo with mental age of 18 months). Her "father" has since moved on and has at least 2 "normal" children. He is actively avoiding child support. I get very angry on the odd occassion especially when i speak with Child Support Agency or am having a hard time dealing with my daughter. I do however know we are better off without him in our lives, he was having parental access for a few years, but was useless and inconsistant. I am now very glad he has moved on and has normal kids - he leaves us alone - I have enough to deal with without putting up with him as well. I think there will always be resentment that he can just move on, but he will never know how special {and somewhat frustrating, tiring, etc} my daughter is. I have often thought it unfair that he has normal kids, but then I think he doesnt deserve the unconditional forever love of my daughter. I hope his other kids will one day realise that he walked away from his child because she was too hard and recognise him for what he is. Anyway I feel I am way better off and I think you are too.

Beverly - posted on 12/14/2010

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Amy Calihan & Alicia, I think God thought you were special & wanted you to have these children.
Alicia........it is probably a blessing in disguise that her dad isn't in the picture. He is missing out on a great daughter I'm sure. :) Just love her & fight to protect her from all the "evils" in this world.
Amy Calihan.........That little one is very lucky to have you for his mom. :) God knew you had the strength to take care of him correctly and that is why you have him now. :)
I have a beautiful "normal" daughter named Alisha & then I have my beautiful "angel", Tifani. I call her that because she has taught ME a lot of things, especially patience & unconditional love. I do have to say that I have & sometimes still do mourn the loss of "Normalcy" for my angel, Tifani. She will never get to date, drive a car or do all of the things her big sister gets to do but I think she is happy in how she is. :) For the most part, thru all the sorrows, doctors, hospital stays, tests, etc..... she is a great daughter & I wouldn't trade her for anything. :) The feelings are very normal!
God bless all of you!

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I have 5 kids. My first had some minor heart issues that resolved with age. My youngest has multiple birth defects. They do not have the same fathers. The middle three are as healthy as any kid can be. I do not resent my ex's because of the hand I was dealt with the kids (I resent them for more selfish reasons that have nothing to do with my kids). You get to have other chances yourself, but it will do you no good if you are going to hold a grudge against your daughter's sperm donor. Perhaps some grief counciling would be helpful.

Autumn - posted on 12/14/2010

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Thanks Amy Lea! I think we can get a referral from his doctor about it. We've talked about it before. It's just that this topic made me want to vent a bit! And to Alice, I didn't totally answer your original post, but I totally understand your anger. My s-son's mom abandoned him and now his dad has sole custody (thank god). I love him like he's my own. But I am angry that she went on and had two more children. She just isn't a very good person... but be thankful that your daughter has you. Do you really want a half-assed parent in her life? IMO.

Iridescent - posted on 12/14/2010

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Nicole, hasn't your geneticist discussed IVF as an option? Yes, it's usually paid out of pocket, but the savings to have a healthy child are very worth it. If we were to have more children, it would likely only be through IVF. I carry two separate diseases that are fatal. We didn't know until my youngest was born. Both are dominant genes. The fact that I have 2 unaffected children is simply luck - we won Russian Roulette with them - and even so, one of them is autistic.

Nicole - posted on 12/14/2010

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Here is a bit of advice my geneticist gave me. she told me "genes do not remember what they did the last time a child was produced. you are playing Russian roulette every time."

i have a 1 in 4 chance of producing another child with albinism which means another child that will be legally blind and more sun screen we have to purchase. MY SO right now does not want another child neither do i till we are more financially ready for another. but i do want another he in his mind is still saying no. because its BOTH of us that carry it. we have to be carriers of the same exact strand to pass on albinism. 1 in 70 are carriers its even more rare to find some one as the same strand and have children with albinism.

The geneticist also told us " When you hit the gene mutation lottery the first time around it really Amplifies the decision ' to have another or not' the second time around."

autism is bad but least there are a few more causes for it where you don't have to be as worried every time you have a child. some genetic conditins yyou can get testing at 16 weeks to know before hand or not. not sure if autism is one of them but that is something to ask a doctor.

Iridescent - posted on 12/14/2010

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Autumn, I'd suggest he see a geneticist. Autism doesn't have a known cause as a whole, but many cases are linked to various nuclear DNA defects. That is easy enough to track, and nuclear DNA could be from ONLY the mother (such as Fragile-X in a son) and just chance or a milder form in siblings. It could also be de novo defects, which means that is the only child in the family with it due to a new mutation and there is no chance of another like that. And third, many cases of autism are now linked to mitochondrial disease - between 7 and 20%! This is compared to 0.025% of people having mitochondrial disease in the general population, so there is a definite relation. Most mitochondrial diseases are inherited 100% from the mother, to varying degrees in each child, so some appear fine and others do not. A test called MitoDx can help see if this is the cause. A genetic counselor would be the best option for all of the above.

Autumn - posted on 12/14/2010

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my stepson's mother has had 2 more boys, who seem to be normal functioning. that makes my fiance even more convinced that his own genetics are the cause of his son's autism. so guess what, doesn't look like I am going to have any children by him any time soon...or ever. i have one child of my own, but i'd really like to have one with him, and connect our kids (my girl, his boy) with a sibling. not to mention, i want another child, period! :(

Mary - posted on 12/11/2010

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I would say its his lose, and that its better for your child if he is out when he doent want to be in. Having a father that doent want to help with the child there every day is frustrating and its bad for the child. I am sorry that he has hurt you both so much, and i pray you will find someone who will love you both and treat you like you should be treated.

Nicole - posted on 12/09/2010

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i would say don't worry too much on it. it may not be my daughters father( who loves her very much by the way) but my father..the biological grandfather . he hs two step grandchildren. and never contacts me about how my child is doing even. they take the other kids EVERYWHERE and do everything with them. Dont get me wrong i love my step nieces too its not their fault my father seems to prefer them more. then again i have lacking emotions towards my father as well...

It would stike a few nerves on me so its not unnormal. just remember your daughter is now your world and bouncing love of joy. frankly when i spend all the time i have with my daughter i think wow ...he sure is missing out.. and thats how it should be.

Iridescent - posted on 12/08/2010

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I am jealous of others that have healthy children. It's normal. But because mine aren't, I really do see and enjoy so much more other parents take for granted! Some parents don't even know their child's interests, or spend even an hour with them per day. I am proud to know I'm not one of them. I'm also proud to be able to say that when I make mistakes, as we all do, my children are confident enough and secure enough to tell me, "Mom, that was mean. Stop doing that because it upsets me." And they are right, so I try harder, because I'm no more perfect than anyone else.

Our twins have 2 half siblings via their biological mother, both older. The oldest was very damaged from her mother. The middle one was taken away at 3 days old, yet he's still not normal (and not getting the psych care he needs). In all honesty, he's probably autistic and certainly has developmental delay and severe PICA as well as total lack of impulse control. Both of them also are believed to have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I feel fortunate that while our twins were with her until they were 17 months old, my husband was able to keep her "clean" - off alcohol and drugs (not smoking and caffeine though) during her pregnancy, so we don't have that battle. We do have other major health issues with one, and he's autistic as well. Some may simply be genetic.

My daughter's biological father has 3 other children. The oldest is older than her, and healthy! I don't resent him in the slightest. He's a beautiful, well developing boy. I am very glad they can have that experience, even if I don't respect a lot of their other decisions. Their other two children are younger than my daughter - I had turned out to be a "make my ex-girlfriend jealous" relationship that put them back together, after I was pregnant. It was pretty horrible at the time, but I think I handled it well and simply cut them out of my life for the most part and let his extended family know about my daughter for them to choose whether or not to be involved. It's worked well. Their next two children though have had a lot of health problems. But the parents are in total denial. Their doctor pushed for genetic testing for CHARGE syndrome (what I pushed them for a year ago) this fall, and at that point they requested Cassie's genetic history and health history in case they are linked in any way. I sent them the info because it's a hard enough battle going blind. My daughter's disease, the cause isn't known yet, but it is genetic. They can't find the defect so don't know where it came from. What makes me mad is they named their youngest with the same middle name as my daughter, so there are siblings with the same name. I found that completely rude.

Alicia - posted on 12/08/2010

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I know she is loved and I wouldn't change a thing about her. She is my life, and he's missing out on a great little girl. It just hurts

Amy - posted on 12/08/2010

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Not your specific situation no. My kids were adopted, but I do have anger about some things, and I think it's natural. I really feel that Tyler was placed because all 3 of their parented children have the same special needs and they knew they couldn't handle another kid like my Ty. None of the special needs were disclosed to us till well into the adoption. I wouldn't change a thing about my son, and I love him, and I'm thankful that he is not being raised by them and the way they handle their parented children's special needs. I think that is the only way you can look at it. Yes there is anger, but you have to believe that your child is with you, and he is not part of her life because that is what is best. Maybe he could not handle her needs or whatever? It's normal for you to be angry, but you should also make sure that you believe you are what is best for your child.

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