Feeling defeated today

Dina - posted on 02/22/2011

Hugs and prayers being sent your way.

Laura - posted on 02/22/2011

Alahnna, you really need some help. I have a daughter with special needs more physical than behavioural and it is so hard on you emotionally, physically, and you feel so alone. Could you go to the local school and try to get some one to come in as a "mothers helper". It really helps to just have another pair of hands. Some of our schools have volunteer hours that kids need to fulfill, and you can give them hours. I have also put an ad on Kijiji and got a really good babysitter / mothers helper. It has really helped me to have a bit of freedom and not so much responsibility on my shoulders.

It is so hard to think of the future with our kids, I know you are going through a lot and just venting (you totally deserve to) but try and just think of 1 day at a time.

It totally sucks being a special needs mom, you feel so isolated and that none of your friends or family truly understand what your family goes through on a daily basis. Do you have any groups that you can join??? sometimes that helps. Just remember, you are not totally alone, other special needs moms are right there with you and are going through it too.

Hope this helps.

Laura

Gena - posted on 02/21/2011

Oh darling, i feel you. You just have to be kind to yourself. We have our bad days (my 5 year old has Down's Syndrome) some days are great and some are horriffic and you feel awful because you feel like you just can't do it anymore. Realize you are human and you have limits, do you love your baby more than anything? Of course you do, do you have limits though as to how much you can take alone? Of course! Allow yourself to feel this and then when you can allow yourself to be happy and proud of what a great mom you are. Hey, why don't you join our community
http://mommymattersonline.ning.com/group...
Good luck love!

Jane - posted on 02/18/2011

I know what you mean, about the octopus, that is! I have had many similar moments. :-)

Alahnna - posted on 02/18/2011

Lol Jane, he is adorable when he's sleeping, like a little angel. The horns and tail hide well!

He scared the crap out of me yesterday. We went grocery shopping while his sister was in brownies (never a plesant task, but hey, we need to eat and I have no one to look after him). He asked to put the cart back in the coral, so I said yes but to walk slowly and watch where he was going. He went and I was watching him as he walked and he listened to what I had told him. The cashier asked me for my airmiles card and I turned for 3 seconds, to pass her my card. I turned back and he had vanished! I couldn't see him anywhere and so I start to walk towards the carts and the parcel pickup guy walks by and says "hey, is that your little guy who just walked out into the parking lot??" I litterally RAN out the door and there he was in the middle of the parking lot, pushing the cart between moving cars out to the cart coral outside. GAAHHH!!! I need to be reincarnated into an octopus with 50 eyes in my next life...

Jane - posted on 02/17/2011

Good luck with your journey raising your son to productive adulthood! Ours began when our son was only 3 and sometimes I thought it was on a dead end road.



We have had to try many different types and amounts of meds, types of therapy, and different hospitals and therapists. We have had to educate and re-educate his teachers. He has had brain scans and various studies so we know what parts of his brain don't behave as others typically do. We have even had to hire a lawyer because school personnel sometimes refuse to believe that children can have mental illness. They are only to happy to consider him "bad" rather than difficult or trying to cope with a brain that doesn't work like most.



One thing that has helped is to keep a journal of what meds and methods we have tried and their effect on a given day. Medical types love it because it gives them something more concrete to base their prescriptions on other than a parent's opinion. It also lets you see patterns, since some people are affected by such things as time of the year or day of the week or even time of day.



Until your son reaches adulthood, so he is no longer growing and his hormones are stable, you will constantly have to reassess his behavior and how his meds are working. I consider it all part of my job as a parent, although sometimes I wish I had an easier job.



As to his hyper behavior at home, all you can do is make his environment as safe as you can, Currently my son's room is almost completely empty because he has broken all his furniture. We have put hurricane shutters over his window because he used to throw things out of it and threatened to jump (his room is on the second floor). We have replaced some window glass with Lexan, turned down the hot water heater, put keyed locks on some cabinets, "paneled" the walls with 5/8th inch plywood so he can't make holes, and, at one point, got rid of all knives, scissors, matches and lighters in the house because of "incidents." It made it hard to cook, but we managed. We also keep all vehicle keys locked up - the first time he tried to steal the truck he was only three, Fortunately he didn't know that he had to step on the brake to shift into drive.



And only in the past year or so (he is now 16) have I been able to let him be off by himself. I have had to keep an almost constant eye on him to prevent dangerous situations. So the housework didn't get done! He has only had stitches once and one broken bone so far.



BTW, ADHD kids are often very good in sports, both as players and coaches, with computers, flying helicopters, riding motorcycles, and selling things, where they need enthusiasm, the ability to make quick decisions, and to hyperfocus as needed. They often learn best by doing rather than reading about it. Keep that in mind as he gets older.



Love him, and help him recognize his good qualities, so he can find his niche in the world. And remember, they are all cute when they are asleep.

Alahnna - posted on 02/17/2011

Jane:
I have never tried Tenex as we have jsut really begun to explore the realm of meds with him, he's only 4 1/2 and only been diagnosed in the past couple months. My son's hyperactivity is becoming a problem at home as he's becoming a danger to himself and others, he's climbing things he shouldn't but knows he shouldn't, he's getting into things that are dangerous even though I've got the house safety proofed any way I can think of and then some. Also, he goes to school in 6 months, so I'm trying to get him under control a bit before he goes to school. The way things are now, there's no way he'd make it through the first week. I have a feeling it's going to take a bit of time to find the right mix for him as well, and so far, I'm being proven right. Also, I live in Canada, so things are a bit different in regards to schools and meds here. I will talk to the psychiatrist about the Tenex to see what he thinks. My son has been great the past few days since we have stopped the dexedrine, hyper and no self control, but his anger has become normal again. I never thought I'd be so glad to see my hyper/pesty/no focus little boy back as I have been this week.

Jane - posted on 02/17/2011

Have you ever tried Tenex (Guanfacine) for anger? That helps my son a lot. He is ADHD, ODD and Early Onset Bipolar. He also takes Depakote, Seroquel (for agitation), Trazodone (to help him sleep), and Metadate (time-release Ritalin) at school for focus, but we have seen a lot of decrease in anger and ODD from just the Tenex and Metadate alone. Unfortunately, because of the Bipolar (sometimes diagnosed as Schizoaffective Disorder) my son also hallucinates, hence the Depakote and Seroquel.

BTW, the hyperactivity, as long as you can live with it, IMHO, is no big problem at home. It really only becomes a problem once school starts and teachers insist everyone sit still. Sometimes a Montessori-type school can be helpful for kids who want to learn but can't sit still.

Alahnna - posted on 02/17/2011

Thank you all for the comments and suggestions. I am really doing much better this week. We have stopped the Dexedrine altogether as his child psychologist feels this is what is causing the major behavior change. Since we've stopped it on Monday, he has been back to himself, hyper and no self control of his hands, but a silly, happy hyper no control boy, not the angry out of control 4 year old he was over the weekend. His Psycologist said to keep him off anything other than his melatonin until tomorrow then we'll try something else. I must say, after the last two meds and the reactions he had to them, I'm kinda scared to try something else, but we won't know unless we try right?

To all the diet comments, I have already tried all the diets suggested to me. We did no dairy, no dyes at all, no preservatives, no nitrates, no gluten, no sugers, omega oils, etc. I make as much homemade as I can and I buy organic when I can, but it's so expensive when you only have one income and no child support from the ex coming in. I have found that the red dye does affect him slightly, not a lot, but enough that I try to cut it out as much as I can. Also, preservatives seem to trigger his anger a bit as well, nothing serious, but I avoid them as well.

I am an Early Childhood Educator,so thankfully I have studied about child development and special needs, so I do know many things to help him and we do have a strict routine ( he doesn't do well with changes at all, he never has). Like you all know, some days are just harder to deal with than others and I must say that Friday was the worst ever with him. It just scared me for what is to come. I am hoping it was just the reaction to the meds and that we will never see thatever again.

Thank you again for all the advice and support, I really apreciate it and I know you will all be hearing from me again, lol

Anita - posted on 02/15/2011

there is a light at the end of the tunnel,my son was like that at that age,he was really scary he chased me with a knife saying he didn't want me as a mum anymore..he is now turning 9 things are alot better we still have meltdowns on some days and he also has aspergers so some things i can't change but once we got the right meds and dose things started looking up,plus i did behavioural programs and things so it got heaps better anyway just hold on and it will get better.

Samantha - posted on 02/15/2011

I know what you're going through. My son has the same issues. It takes time to get the right med that works. Keep standing your ground. I know he's young but he needs to know you mean what you say. There is nothing wrong with you breaking down and crying. My son did all that and broke a window. It does get better with time. My son is almost 13. It's been a long road but we made it this far. You can do it. Do you have other support or outlets? That will help too. Email me if you need to vent or any advice! It's tough but you can make it.

Jane - posted on 02/15/2011

I, too, know what you are going through. Our son is ADHD, ODD, and early onset bipolar. Beginning at age three he showed incredible anger and defiance. His first hospitalization was at age seven when he attempted to kill himself and his sister and was clearly hallucinating. He has set fires and injured me and his sister. We have been escorted out of stores and told not to return. He has assaulted teachers and other students, and has broken furniture, walls, and even attacked my car and truck with a baseball bat. I have gone so far as to replace some windows with Lexan instead of glass, and putting hurricane shutters on his bedroom window, keeping them closed so he can't jump out or throw things out.

There were times that we had no idea how we would survive his threats, assaults and tantrums, not to mention the problems he had at school. Eventually we did find a mix of medications that work for him, and now that he is sixteen it appears that the years of therapy and multiple hospitalizations may be showing results. He is still a minor so I have some control over things such as making sure he gets at least 7 to 8 hours of sleep, making sure he takes his meds, and so on. I do not know how he will survive on his own someday, but I do have hope.

Keep trying meds until you find what works. Keep going to therapy for him and consider it for yourself, too, as a way to help you cope. At the very least find a support group so you can vent to people who get it. Do your best to make sure he has a regular schedule. These kids NEED structure so you need to impose it now and keep to it. Make sure he eats good foods, and consider as others have done removing food dyes, sugars, preservatives, gluten, and allergens from his diet. Make sure he gets enough sleep - yes, I know sleep is a difficult thing to achieve with these guys, but some folks find melatonin to help and we use Trazodone to good effect. Also, with the right coach sports can be an excellent outlet as well as a tool for him to learn to control his temper.

Good luck! Remember they are all cute when they are asleep.

Gina - posted on 02/15/2011

Alahnna, I'm so sorry! I know this can be so difficult. I'm with Mary Jo - have you tried changing his diet? I'm slowly learning with my kids how much effect foods have on them. For example, my 8yo has Down syndrome. We recently took her off dairy then chocolate. One affected her allergies, but since she's been off chocolate, the aggression that suddenly appeared last year (kicking, hitting myself and her teachers) nearly vanished. We have a long way to go, but I'd like into it, if you haven't yet. Just switching to more organic foods and less sugar, preserves, and other junk can probably help too. I'm reading "Healing the new childhood epidemics" by Dr. Bock, which addresses ADHD and it opened my eyes. You might want to check it out at the library. Good luck, prays coming your way!

Mary Jo - posted on 02/15/2011

Hey Alahnna - I understand how you are feeling. My son is now 11 and although we've had great success with him I think the hormones are starting to kick in and we had a pretty brutal weekend with him. Have you tried checking our which foods to avoid for kids with ADHD and ODD - is he a big mild drinker? Eat a lot of food with preservatives? Believe it or not dietary issues can sometimes trigger a lot of negative behaviour - start doing some research. We really struggle with effective discipline when Branson is acting out and now that he's bigger it's a tougher go. Are you able to find a meaningful consequence for him? The ODD is going to make it tough but hang in - you can do this!!!!!

Jenny - posted on 02/15/2011

Do a google search for Celebrate Calm. The man that started this company has a son who is 17 years old and has ADHD and ODD. Him and his son travel around to different cities talking about managing all that goes along with ADHD and ODD. His son offers his side of managing his own anger. It is definately worth looking into. Good Luck.

Sue - posted on 02/15/2011

I probably comment on feeling defeated at least once I day. Go through the "not able to get out of bed" thing routinely. Don't cry because I just don't cry anymore.

My son is 14, he's now about as big as I am and I physically cannot overpower him any more. We've had hospitalizations, police visits, in school suspensions, home suspensions. We've been in therapeutic day schools, taken every med referenced above, tried in-home behavior therapy, external therapy. We are totally defeated. Even when something SEEMS like it's going to be successful, it isn't.

My husband travels pretty much full time. My older daughter has been traumatized by living with her brother and is counting the days til she can leave for college. Except if we end up having to send him to live somewhere that can manage him then her college tuition savings will be gone.

Do the best you can to take care of YOURSELF. Don't be too proud to accept help if anyone offers it. Take a day off whenever you can. Indulge yourself every opportunity you get. You deserve it and probably99% of the people around you just cannot understand what you go through. They can be kind and supportive but don't really "get it." Sometimes just knowing that SOMEONE gets it, lives it, can help you make it through another day.

Good luck.

Annie - posted on 02/15/2011

To start, I'd like to say that I know that all children respond to meds differently....when my son was 7 or 8, he got so violent that we had to put him in an institution for 2 wks b/c he was out of control and nearly hurt his little 2 yr old brother really badly and was threatening to run away and finally did bust through his window (his dad caught him 1/2 way through the yard). He used to literaly try to beat me up and his dad, not to mention the verbal abuse he used on us. It was horrible, horrible! I don't ever even think of those times until I read a story like yours. I will say that while he was in the institution, they took him off all of his meds to start completely over. The stimulant he was on is Concerta. We found out that the Abilify, vyvanse and clonidine were having adverse affects on him and increasing his rages. He is now only on Concerta 72mg and has been since that time. He had a few rage outburst after that, but nothing like what we'd seen before. When he turned 10, those vengeful rages stopped. He is very mouthy and has some issues still but he's also on the verge of turning 13 and most 13yr olds test their mouths out to see what they can get away with. We have a huge issue with homework & school work but I can deal with that way better than what we went through before. There is hope and there is a light at the end of the tunnel (I'm not at the end yet but I can see the light). I know it is so hard right now. I don't even know how I made it through all of those years before, but I know that God was on our side and we had plenty of emotional support from family, friends, his teachers and church members. Not to mention sites like this. I wish you well and will be praying for you!

Nicole - posted on 02/14/2011

I do know where you are coming from...I hope that he feels better soon and that things are figured out soon and you can figure out what meds work the best.

Alahnna - posted on 02/14/2011

He is seeing a child psychologist now and we've started playing with meds to see what will work. We tried the generic methephenidate(spelling?) but his mood swings were out of this world. He's not on Dexedrine, taking 10mgs a day and using melatonin for sleep since this med seems to affect his sleep quite a bit. We just went to the doctor yesterday because he has a chest infection and fluid in his ears. He now has antibiotics on top of everything. I'm hoping his behavior settles down a bit now that we're treating the infection. This weekend was the roughest he's ever been but he seems a bit better today, still a bit defiant but nothing like this weekend. Thanks for the support and advice, I really apreciate it. I'm feeling better today, just had a really low moment friday night.

Nicole - posted on 02/13/2011

Alahnna,
Lots of hugs and prays coming your way. I do know where and what your talking about. My son has sever adhd along with ODD. We I'm hoping finally found the med for him. I have him on Vyvanse 50mg's 1x a day, Risperdal .05mgs 2x's a day, Intuitv 2mgs 1x's a day, Adderal 1x's a day at about 4pm with this med only. I do know where you are coming from. I have been there and done that and still going through it. My son is 11 and will be 12 in july. So I'm going through alot right now. I just lay in bed and do sometimes cry, but I have been praying alot to god asking him for help and to show me what to do and to be calm and to help me. So far at times I do well, other times it's hard depending on what he's done or is going on. It's very frustrating at time. My son't hasn't hit me or anything like that, but I have a great behavioralist that if he does do any of this he will want to see him right away. I call about every 2 weeks or so just to let them know what's going on and happening. Do you have someone that manage's his adhd? and if so what meds is he on and is there anyone you can talk to about what's going on and happening? I do know it's hard. If there's anything more I can help let me know. Some days we have good day's and other days I wonder how it's going to be...

Nicole