Having more kids when you have a special need child

Krissy - posted on 01/28/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I have a 6 year old with a brain tumor. This is his second tumor, so NF has been brought up. (He might just keep getting tumors) A week before we found his first tumor, I found out I was pregnant with my second son. I am able to deal with the needs of both of my boys. But, I have always wanted a big family. I would love to have more children, but would that be selfish of me? I worry that I wouldn't be able to give everyone what they need. Any ideas?

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Carissa - posted on 02/14/2010

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I don't think it is selfish. Life is short as it is. Go with what is in your heart and Remember God will not give you anything that you can not handle.

Christina - posted on 02/14/2010

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Everybody has to make their own choises. My second son was born disabled and about six months after we found out my second son was disabled we found out the older one was too. We desided to stop because their disablities are linked to genetic causes. Find out what the cause of your sons heath issues is and what the chances of you having another sick or disabled child are before you make that desition. Your family doctor or maybe a specailist should be able to help you figure that out. I hope your second son remains healthy.

Julia - posted on 02/13/2010

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I think anytime you choose to have a child, it is a matter of faith. Sometimes that faith comes because you are trying to have children, sometimes it comes because you weren't trying, and God sent a baby to your family anyway. I think that each of my children is exactly what God knew I needed, and they needed. My youngest is our special needs child, although two of her older siblings have ADHD, but we will probably have at least one more. My daughter's babysitter has a Downs Syndrome boy who is 4 months younger than my daughter, and she is so sweet with him. I know that no matter what our next baby brings to our family, we will cherish him or her.

User - posted on 01/29/2009

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We talk about this alot.  Its really hard.  My son had an unusual first year.  He was FTT, had reflux and chronic lung problems.  At 3 we are still there with the lungs and reflux, though he is growing now!  He also has a speech delay and oral motor issues.  But we felt that his issues were mostly health issues that they swore he would out grow.  Then came our little girl.  She has a seizure disorder, gross motor delay, congenital hypotonia and reflux.  She seems to be outgrowing the reflux, and with the help of PT is making great progress and may even manage to walk before her second birthday!  But we wonder if by having a 3rd we are inviting even larger problems into our family.  Could we be lucky enough to have a "normal" child?  Could we handel whatever god gives us next?    Its very difficult to figure out.  I wish I had a crystal ball to help me see the future, maybe then I woudl know what to do . . . or not.

Jamie - posted on 01/29/2009

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I don't think having more children is selfish at all - in fact, I think it can be the opposite.  I am the mom of 3.  My oldest, Corbin, is almost 5.  He was diagnosed with Williams syndrome at 2 1/2 years old - 2 days after we found out her were pregnant with his younger sister!  (challenging week)  We just had our third, another boy, 1 month ago.  Since the day Corbin was diagnosed and we realized he might always have special needs, I actually made the decision to have a bigger family.  I figure, the more support, the better, especially as my husband and I get older.  People with Williams syndrome can have normal life spans.  That makes me wonder who will be there to look out for him once I'm not here any more.  I can only hope that his siblings might be there for him.  Some days it's a challenge, but it is amazing how much Corbin loves his brother and sister.  I can't imagine his (or my) life without them.

Ali - posted on 01/29/2009

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I should add to my other post that there are lots of times when I wonder if I made the right decision of having more kids as I feel torn between being with Amy when she is in hospital or at app'ts or being with my other children who also need me.  I sometimes think I am in over my head but then there are the days where I watch all three of them play together or see my son give Amy a big hug and kiss and tell her he loves her and then I know I made the right decision.  There will be lots of ups and downs if you decide to have more children but in reality there are lots of ups and downs in families with lots of children that aren't special needs. 

Ali - posted on 01/29/2009

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Hi Krissy



I have three kids.  My first has DS and Autism.  She is 4 1/2.  I then have a son 3 1/2 and another girl who is 20 mths.  I think our other children really help Amy.  I want to have another one but my husband is hesitant right now because we have a lot of medical app'ts with Amy.  Maybe once we sort that out we will have 1 or 2 more but time isn't on my side anymore!!  I don't think you are being selfish at all by wanting more children.   You should do what you feel is right for you and your family.  Best of luck!!  Ali

Ali - posted on 01/29/2009

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Hi Krissy



I have three kids.  My first has DS and Autism.  She is 4 1/2.  I then have a son 3 1/2 and another girl who is 20 mths.  I think our other children really help Amy.  I want to have another one but my husband is hesitant right now because we have a lot of medical app'ts with Amy.  Maybe once we sort that out we will have 1 or 2 more but time isn't on my side anymore!!  I don't think you are being selfish at all by wanting more children.   You should do what you feel is right for you and your family.  Best of luck!!  Ali

Ursula - posted on 01/28/2009

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Hi Krissy!  My oldest son is moderatley mentally impaired with sensory issues.  We never questioned if we should have a sibling, it was just our plan all along to have more than one child.  Well, we ended up  having 3 more and we couldn't be happier.  It is a challenge in many ways but having siblings has enriched Ethan's life in many ways.  And in a good way he is not always the center of attention.  Something really cute that has happened is that as each of his sibling reached his cognitive age,which is 3,  Ethan had an instant peer and playmate.  Our 4th son Luke is now 3, so there is Ethan, our soon to be 12 year old, down on the floor having the time of his life playing games and being silly with his  little buddy.  Just tonight Ethan was gone to Special Olympics basket ball and upon his return Ava, my 5 year old greeted him with, "Hi Ethan, I missed you!"  Everyday is an affirmation for me that having more children was the right decision.  Of course, with each pregnancy I worried about having another child with special needs, but you know what, that is out of our control.  Each child is a blessing and a gift in so many ways.

Julieta - posted on 01/28/2009

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Hi Krissy,



My first born is ten and she was born with an unusual syndrome.  She is healthy in every way but is blind with other minimal findings.  My husband and I had decided to commit our lives to raising her and not having any more children.  We were surprised that the pill I took while nursing Emma was not very effective and we had a second child one year and five months later.  I was worried about being able to give myself equally to both babies but, it just came naturally.  My oldest daughter called the baby her baby.  We had a third child and feel that the three children are very close and was the best thing for our family!



I think that you need to look at your life and write things down so you can see what you can handle.  Write down finances, time spent with your son and husband.  I think you will decide what is best for your family and it will be just fine.



Julieta

Julieta - posted on 01/28/2009

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Hi Krissy,



My first born is ten and she was born with an unusual syndrome.  She is healthy in every way but is blind with other minimal findings.  My husband and I had decided to commit our lives to raising her and not having any more children.  We were surprised that the pill I took while nursing Emma was not very effective and we had a second child one year and five months later.  I was worried about being able to give myself equally to both babies but, it just came naturally.  My oldest daughter called the baby her baby.  We had a third child and feel that the three children are very close and was the best thing for our family!



I think that you need to look at your life and write things down so you can see what you can handle.  Write down finances, time spent with your son and husband.  I think you will decide what is best for your family and it will be just fine.



Julieta

Francine - posted on 01/28/2009

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Hi Krissy, Let me tell you my story ...I am the mother of 4, my first son born almost 17 years ago with a severe disability both mobility and intellectual ... it took me 4 years to have another child ... I was fearful and spent my entire pregnancy worried but I knew deep in my heart my older son deserved to have a sibling and I deserved to be a mom again ... then 7 years later I had twin boys (surprise) !! and I thought my world had been turned upside down ... let me tell you ... whether sick/disable/or relatively healthy children are a blessing from GOD and never feel selfish if you need to bring more of them into this world to LOVE AND CHERISH !! All the best !!

Theresa - posted on 01/28/2009

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Hi! I am a 29yr. old mom of 4 children!!! My special needs child was our first born and he has Down Syndrome and also ASD ( Autism Spectrum Disorder ). He does require alot of my time. In the beginning I was very worried about having a big family, But now I see how much William loves his brother and sisters, and how much they truely enrich his life. While I don't always have as much time for him one on one as I would like; I know that some day that will change. Some day he will have so much of my time that he will be begging me to leave. I would not feel guilty for still wanting to have more children. Your sons younger siblings will be his best friends in life and that many more people on his team. We shouldn't stop living life the way we have always dreamed of, just because we have a child with special needs. With that said; I say still live your dream. I hope my words have been incouraging to you.....

Amie - posted on 01/28/2009

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I think any parent in your shoes would ask the same question. I would love to have more kids also; but my son has sensory integration disorder and may or may not have autism. He is my second child and my daughter has no health, or medical issues. Was this a coincidental or is it in our DNA? My husband and I are fighting with the same dilemma. Whatever happens will happen. If you are supposed to have more children you will. I am not sure if you are religious or not, but I believe God has a plan for us; and we just need to pray and ask Him to show us the way!



Good luck in whatever decision you make,



Amie



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