how to deal with a child that refuses to do anything you ask even on her meds

Ashley - posted on 05/05/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

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yes i am new to this and before i begin i wanna tell you all that you are great moms and im sure you are doing everything you know how to take great care of your children even with all the stress. i have a 5 yr old daughter who has been told that she has a mood disorder,adhd, a sleeping dosorder, learning disorder, and possible bi polor. she is medicated but still refuses to be good at home but is great at school. i dont understand why she cant be good at home. i also have a set of 2 yr old twins that thinks she is their everything and wants to do everything she does and im not sure how to teach them not to because it is a everyday thing with her she likes to hit,pinch,slap,yell,cries,will not pick anything up after herself,and will not do anything you ask of her and its driving me crazy. i cant work becuase she is so bad no i know will keep her so i also have her at homw with me all the time. can someone help me to understand why she does the things she does. and help me to figure out a way to not let my twins act like her thank you for listening and i will be here if you need to talk as well

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Mandee - posted on 05/19/2010

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Structure, Schedules, Rewards/Consequences have all made a huge difference with our little one. They work wonders with children who don't have special needs as well. for ours it was often attention seeking behavior, and if she feels she isn't getting attention, then look out. However, this is not always the case. We have had to learn that she is trying to tell us something, but sometimes it isn't always that easy to figure out what the something is. Working with a behavior analyst has also helped tremendously.

Carrie - posted on 05/11/2010

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It sounds like you have your hands full. I have twins with no other children...both special needs but I can't imagine having a 5 year old too. I read that they say she has mood disorder, sleeping disorder, learning disorder and possible bi polar. I am a counselor and would never give a professional assessment of your child not having met her but personally, I think she is too young to be diagnosed with so many things. If she has a sleep disorder that can cause the multiple symptoms that may appear as other disorders. Has she had a sleep study done? I would start there if I were you. Also, be firm, consistent and fair with discipline. She may need a great deal of structure which can be difficult...try it with all of them. A structured bed time, nap time, waking up time along with meal times...also, play time...we go outside to play between this time and this time or we watch TV from this time to this time, this is story time...sit with your legs crisscross applesauce...like they do at school. Eventually she will get to know "what time it is" and that kind of structure can provide predictablity she may need. Sometimes a strict schedule they follow with rewards...lots of positive language can help...but also, with things like time out. They go to time out for pinching, biting, talking back and so on...every single time it happens. It is hard to get it started at first but eventually they get it. There has to be both for example time out for misbehavior and then lots of love and praise and happy face time too. Expect appropriate behavior from all of them. I used 1-2-3 Magic with mine...at first I was like..."oh yeah that's going to work on my son" but I stayed firm to it and it has helped a lot. I think sometimes when we have kids with special needs we forget that they don't get to misbehave just because they have something different about them. My daughter has seizures but she still goes to time out for hitting her brother or throwing a tantrum...her meds make her moody but she still can't hit her brother. Colby used to make himself throw up or cough if I told him he couldn't do something...this is a kid with a Nissen and history of aspiration and at 18 months he learned that he could control me with a fake wretching episode...you know a real one when you see it. It got to the point where I was like, "OK, go ahead but you are still going to time out for biting your sister, I'll take you to the hospital when we are done." You can't be emotionally prisoned or blackmailed by your kids...it isn't fair to you or them. She doesn't act that way at school because she can't..school is very structured...so don't let her get away with stuff at home. If she can do it at school she can at home. I tell myself all the time, "I am the mommy." It's a matra for me!



You are doing everything you can...so be nice to you too! It isn't easy to parent. And ask your peds about the sleep study.

JESSICA - posted on 05/08/2010

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hello i am the mother of 8 year old twin boys who have been diagnosed with adhd and odd.i also have a 5 year old healthy son who also does everything my twin boys do especially the negative things.my twins are medicated and i still have alot of the same issues you have.ive recently put together a reward chart for their behaviors that they need to work on and its going alot better then i expected it to.when they have positive behaviors they earn a certain number of points towards a reward.it can be anything to going out to eat,to getting a new video game etc.ive learned that the more consistent you are the more they will start to listen.my twin boys hit,destroy property,refuse to clean up their messes,so what i do is when they refuse to clean up their toys i give them until the end of the night to clean up and if its still there after they go to bed its garbage.maybe you should also speak to their doctor and make sure there on the right medication and the right doses.ive been dealing with my childrens medication for the last 6 years and it took many different types of medication before i found one that was really helping them..i hope this helps you........

Autumn - posted on 05/07/2010

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I agree with the others..My 9yr old daughter is bipolar 1,odd,adhd and some others and she does best with strict routine and schedule..Any kind of change will cause an episode.She too was very violent and destructive because she couldnt control her moods so thats how she acted out..She unfortunately stayed in residential treatment for almost a year and since she's been home things are much better...Teach her to talk about her feelings and some coping skills for when she gets upset ie..count to 10 or punch a pillow...She also will act out to get attention wether its good or bad so def. try to have some one on one with ur daughter maybe while the twins are napping..Hope I've helped..Good luck I know it hard just have patience,it will get better..

Ann Marie - posted on 05/06/2010

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Ashley,

One of the reasons she behaves at school and not at home is school has a strict structure and schedule. She moves from one activity to the next and always knows what to expect.

She would benefit from a firm schedule, all the way down to what time to get into the bathtub. This will also be good with the twins.

Focus the twins on helping rather than mimicking their sister. This will help you concentrate on her behavior.

Please read this, as it will give you some good ideas on ways to help control her behavior. First is "Beyond Time Out" http://www.helium.com/items/1270864-disc... Second is "Managing Defiance" http://www.helium.com/items/782953-tips-...

I hope this helps,
Ann Marie
Author of "Taming the Terrible Twos: A Parents' Survival Guide"

Amanda - posted on 05/06/2010

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try a rewarding her better behaviors, tell her more of the good things she's done that day, evenif it was just waking up, try a star chart or kelso's charts. try to expalin to the twins that she is a little different from them and that some of the bahaviors she does show isn't always the right behavior. How much time is she getting one on one daily? i know that ur life is extremely hectic but even once a week with some one on one may change her attitude, and giving her praise on the things she's getting better at.

Julie - posted on 05/06/2010

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Wow that is alot to deal with. I grew up with a schizophrenic bi polar father and know my daughter is showing some signs so know the feeling. My 3 year old is autistic and its hard but it does get better when they find the right meds for the bi polar. As for teaching the twins different is just to explain why and keep at it with discipline. I know even my son can understand no that hurts even if he sees sissy doing it too. Have you tried to ignore some of the bad behavior? Roselani (my 9 year old) has improved dramatically since we are picking our battles at home. She also behaves well at school and church but not at home. We ignore anything that is not hurting herself or others and anything that is not harmful to our values. Of course the hitting and stuff is dangerous but try taking away privilages from her or isolating her where she can't damage anything. I can't think of anything else right now hope that helps.

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