so ashamed to admit i cant bond with my baby

Cheryl - posted on 09/20/2009 ( 66 moms have responded )

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i had a daughter 13 weeks ago, i knew she was going to be born with club feet but such a shock i have had, she had 2 heart defects, truncus arteriosus and a large hole, she had surgery at 4 weeks and thankfully survived as she wouldnt have without it, she has a genetic condition which involves more problems in the future. she is fed with a feeding tube and andhas reflux. i just let her lie in her swing most of the day except to feed and change her. i feel that she is so fragile and i cant get into the way of treating her as i would any other child because im constantly reminded that there are so many problems when i look at her. i dont want to feel like this and it is breaking my heart.

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Brenda - posted on 09/23/2009

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Cheryl,
If possible, pick this baby up! Hold her, sing to her, caress her forehead, sit for hours at a time holding her gently. She won't break I promise. This is why you are not bonding....but please start immediately, she needs to feel you and smell you now more than ever! Especially with her having special needs. If you don't feel you can do this, then please find someone (your Mom? His Mom?) anyone to give this baby what she needs.
You are just scared and overwhelmed, but peace will come to you both, I promise, if you just hold, touch, coo to that precious child. Do it for her at first, I promise that you will be doing it for yourself within a short amount of time.
My thoughts and prayers are with you both....
Brenda,
Mom of 4, one with special needs too :)

Renee - posted on 09/23/2009

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I'm glad you felt support from us.You can always come here to vent or get support.

Cheryl - posted on 09/22/2009

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i live in northern ireland i dont no how i would contact other mums and because of carlys heart i cant really expose her to a lot of people due to risk of infection but as she gets older i think that wud b a brilliant idea. from i first put this post on i have really tried more with carly and to be honest i feel a bit closer to her. i think it is just frusotration because i dont no whats going to happen (i like to be in control of a situation!) but i am goin to really try hard because i no she is a wee innocent baby she didnt ask to born with all these problems an she needs me. i really feel ur support has helped me. i was just sayin to my partner last nite i have not cried from she came home from hospital so that has to b a good sign?!

Renee - posted on 09/22/2009

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Quoting Terri:

Remember one thing...God never gives you anything that you can't handle or more than you can handle. I struggled with the same thing for a long time and doubting and saying to myself, "Why did this happen to me?" Quickly learned that it was meant to be.I have to kids with special needs. I wouldn't change either of my kids at all. They are the ones that have kept me going and I learn from them everyday.


God chose us to raise His Special Children.He knew we could handle them and their needs.Pray and get with other mom's esp mom's of Special needs kids.Are there other's in your area with her disabilities.Call Parent to Parent in your state.



My Nigel 11 1/2 has multiple disabilities.He has Osteogenesis Imperfecta,commonly known as Brittle bone disease,mild cp from 2 skull fractures at birth,ADHD,Bipolar and intermittent explosive disorder.We (my late DH and I) adopted Him from Kolkata India at 3 1/2 in 01.My dh had the severe form of OI.Nigel's is moderate he had 25 fractures before He was 10.We wanted a child with OI.We knew about the physical disabilities.The physciatric manifested at 4 and 5.I wouldn't trade Him for the world.God knew I could handle his needs and raise Him.Turns out I had bipolar too but was never diagnosed due to Epilepsy.I was taking the meds they use to treat it.So Good came from him having to see the physicatrist.I'm also a person with a disability.I had a stroke at 15 following my brain surgery to control my Epilepsy.



I'm praying it gets easier for you.
..

Laura - posted on 09/22/2009

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Quoting Anne:

dear Cheryl,
Dont be ashamed. It will only add to your burden, guilt on top of an already over sized problem for you.You have been chosen, (I know, yeah, thanks god!) to be the mother of a special needs child. It is normal, with all that is happeneing around you, to feel like you do. And DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED. You will , given time, adore your little girl, and think of her as totally normal.In a few years time, you will be so used to being her mum, it will break your heart to leave her side!
Firstly, you need to be supported. Time to get an army of your best friends, family and always remember strangers are just friends you haven't met yet! You need to get them to help you as much as possible, for whatever you need.Stay calm, think clearly, and stay clear of negative people and negative thoughts. The more relaxed you can try to make yourself, the easier it will be just to enjoy the "life" that she is! You are picked because YOU WILL HANDLE IT! (although it may not feel like you will, go easier on yourself, it's a huge shock)
Second, educate yourself on her conditions, so you know as much about it as you can possibly find out. This will help your confidence as well as help you make decisions and things that you will be asked by all the doctors and specaialists you will come across.
Third, Try to enjoy all the little things, when she smiles, etc, every little milestone, enjoy it. There has to be some happy in all this heart ache, even if you start off faking it, give yourself time, see the little girl within that body, so you can really love her. Do go easy on yourself, you didn't ask for all this, and in a way you are grieving the loss of the dream of a healthy baby.You are allowed to be upset by it all. You are human too!
So find your support crew, ask for help when needed,allow yourself an hour a day, to be alone to grieve, then no negative thoughts out of that hour! It will be hard at first, but it will get easier. Try to laugh.Eat bananas, they are good for the mind.Especially when feeling sad.
And there is only one thing worse than having a special needs child, and that is to have one taken from you once they are already in your life!



Anne,



Amazing post! I think we all should take your advice :)

User - posted on 09/22/2009

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dear Cheryl,
Dont be ashamed. It will only add to your burden, guilt on top of an already over sized problem for you.You have been chosen, (I know, yeah, thanks god!) to be the mother of a special needs child. It is normal, with all that is happeneing around you, to feel like you do. And DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED. You will , given time, adore your little girl, and think of her as totally normal.In a few years time, you will be so used to being her mum, it will break your heart to leave her side!
Firstly, you need to be supported. Time to get an army of your best friends, family and always remember strangers are just friends you haven't met yet! You need to get them to help you as much as possible, for whatever you need.Stay calm, think clearly, and stay clear of negative people and negative thoughts. The more relaxed you can try to make yourself, the easier it will be just to enjoy the "life" that she is! You are picked because YOU WILL HANDLE IT! (although it may not feel like you will, go easier on yourself, it's a huge shock)
Second, educate yourself on her conditions, so you know as much about it as you can possibly find out. This will help your confidence as well as help you make decisions and things that you will be asked by all the doctors and specaialists you will come across.
Third, Try to enjoy all the little things, when she smiles, etc, every little milestone, enjoy it. There has to be some happy in all this heart ache, even if you start off faking it, give yourself time, see the little girl within that body, so you can really love her. Do go easy on yourself, you didn't ask for all this, and in a way you are grieving the loss of the dream of a healthy baby.You are allowed to be upset by it all. You are human too!
So find your support crew, ask for help when needed,allow yourself an hour a day, to be alone to grieve, then no negative thoughts out of that hour! It will be hard at first, but it will get easier. Try to laugh.Eat bananas, they are good for the mind.Especially when feeling sad.
And there is only one thing worse than having a special needs child, and that is to have one taken from you once they are already in your life!

Cheryl - posted on 09/22/2009

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im just really scared what the future holds an i no i should just live each day at a time but i just want to b told theres been a mistake everythins goin to b ok! unlikely tho i no but as long as she can smile i suppose thats the main thing. when i talk to her she looks up at me but there isnt a lot of expression on her face, i try to think back did my boys respond much at her age but to be honest i cant really remember!! i do love her very much tho and will always b there 4 her no matter what. i just wish i had all the answers and because her syndromes so rare the doctors cant tell but can only judge on the other cases, which most were mentally retarded.

Linda - posted on 09/21/2009

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I have said to other mom's that whatever you are feeling and thinking, I have felt and thought too. Please realiaze that your body has been through a lot physically and emotionally and having to deal with all these issues takes a lot out of you. Some of what you may be going through is grief. You may be grieving for the loss of the child you hoped and dreamed about. I was told by a wonderful woman that I needed to grieve. That is was ok to grieve for that beautiflul "normal" baby I was dreaming about. I'm not sure I will ever be completely through the grieving process. You always notice what the typical children are doing. Some days I was able to cope much better then others. I was also afraid to become attached in case my little guy didn't make it. Hold your beautiful little girl, look at her little face. As you hold her and talk to her the bond will come. I applaud you for having the courage to talk about it. I'm hoping that in doing so, the healing process has already begun.

Kelly - posted on 09/21/2009

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you are feeling something natural, you have had alot of overwhelming things befoe she was born. don't beat yourself up over it, bonding sometimes takes time especially when it sounds like you have had much time to breathe since having her.

Cheryl - posted on 09/21/2009

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i no i havnt told anyone how i really feel i just act like i have accepted it but that is far from the truth i am totally devastated but i no in time i will b fine, it is hard not to think what the future holds.

Danielle - posted on 09/21/2009

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My daughter wasn't diagnosed with her condition until she was about 4 months old but even while I was pregnant I just KNEW something was wrong. Everyone told me I was just worried because she's my first and that I was just being paranoid... But even with everything being 'normal' for the first 4 months, I felt like I wasn't connecting with her. I never knew what she wanted, when she wanted to eat, how she liked to be held... nothing. My husband seemed to naturally know what she needed/wanted and that made it even more heartbreaking for me. I know her better than anyone now and I can usually always figure out what she needs/wants but it took a while. I think as moms, since we carry that little baby with us for 9 months and we give birth to them, after they get here we expect way too much of ourselves! Our bodies are in shock, our hormones are crazy, and we are usually so sleep deprived it's a miracle we function at all. Give yourself a break!! :) Let yourself cry for dreams you've lost and then think about everything that's good in your life and your child's life. London is almost 2 and she can't even hold her own head up, let alone sit by herself, roll around, or walk. She doesn't use her hands to grasp at toys and we're not sure how well she can see. I cried countless times about everything that she MAY not be able to do in her life- then I looked at her and for some reason, thought to myself "but she loves to cuddle, so I'm lucky because some kids hate that". From there I thought of so many other things to be thankful for with London. But, I had to give myself a break first and accept the fact that things weren't perfect and we were going to have a lot more struggles than most parents. Hold her in your arms and just let it come naturally- don't force it. And trust your gut! :) Good luck with everything!

Cheryl - posted on 09/21/2009

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thank u all 4 ur support it is such a difficult situation to b in, ialso have two boys one of which has mild autism, i have lifted carly a bit more today and talked to her and i am determined to get that bond no matter how long it takes, i suppose it has to b taken a day at a time, i am not saying i dont love her because i do with all my heart she is a gorgeous baby.

Terri - posted on 09/21/2009

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Remember one thing...God never gives you anything that you can't handle or more than you can handle. I struggled with the same thing for a long time and doubting and saying to myself, "Why did this happen to me?" Quickly learned that it was meant to be.I have to kids with special needs. I wouldn't change either of my kids at all. They are the ones that have kept me going and I learn from them everyday.

Laura - posted on 09/20/2009

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I think it is VERY, VERY hard to get used to the idea that your child isn't normal.....your baby is only 13 weeks old.....My Mason is 26 months old and there are days that I think why me.....finding a special needs mom club is a good idea for support.....I still haven't found anything in my area.....really just trying to keep up day to day sometimes is hard......Just love your little one......after awhile you get used to what "normal" is.....please give yourself a pat on the back.......sounds like you are doing a wonderful job......having a child with special needs is very difficult.....especially with all you have been thru in such a short amount of time....I think it is normal to feel the way you do......Do you have anyone that can watch her so you could get away for a hour or two for some me, myself and I time???? May try to talk to your dr about a moms support group.........or just vent online.....I think it really helps when your day is not so great ....HUGS :)

Virginia - posted on 09/20/2009

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well i will admit i had trouble bonding with my daughter mya i lost a son at 2 weeks old and when i found out that mya was goning to have problems i was scared to get atached to her worried i would lose her but just remeber she was given to u for a reason and the special kids r given to the ones god knows can haddle it if u ever need to talk im here for u

Vicki - posted on 09/20/2009

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I think you need to find mom's in your area with similar situation or even just special moms. I feel for you. I love my son but still have my days where this is too hard for me! But your baby didn't ask for all of this either and she will bring you joy in many ways. It is hard but play with her and you will be surprised how much love you can have for a special child. There will be bad days but with support you can get through it. If you are truly having trouble maybe speak to a doctor. It takes awhile to accept life will be different but is can also be very good too. Hope I helped you a bit.

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