son with adhd, problems at school already

Chris - posted on 09/11/2009 ( 7 moms have responded )

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school just started last week for my son, and already he has out of school suspension for swearing and threatening students and a teacher. please help, with ideas. he is 11 and need advice on how to discipline at home with him, single mom of two here.

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Heli - posted on 09/20/2009

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You asked "How long is to long to ground a kid at age 11 for them to get it that they are the ones responsible for their own actions." I believe this depends on his reaction to the grounding. We grounded our son for progressively longer periods of time till once he was grounded from everything for a month! Home from school, unpack bag, to his empty room, only out for supper & washroom. This did nothing more than make him indifferent. Now we ground him for shorter periods (1 - 4 days) and allow him to earn back priveledges by work & behaviour both at school & at home. This seems to help most times. If he has too long a grounding, he has nothing to look forward to so what is the point of good behaviour?
I'm glad to hear he also gets counseling as well, outside of school. I would keep him off the meds & see what the research study program for ADHD kids at the college in your city accomplishes. You could try physical exercise to get the endorphines up & hopefully increase his sleep requirements.
We all try to do anything that helps, & I know how you feel about "grasping at straws in a hat and do not know what is truly the best way." All you can do is keep exploring alternatives. This site is a great place to start. Good luck

Lisa - posted on 09/18/2009

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It's a good thing that your mom backed you up. It took my mom a long time to figure out that every time she went against what I'd set as a punishment for his behavior it took three times as long for him to get it. Taking your son off the meds for the research study is okay, but in the meantime I'd contact the researchers and ask them if they have any other ideas (natural treatments) for you to use to keep him focused during the school day. I would suggest having your son do one extra chore each evening in the future if you're going to make him work. I am assuming that while he was out of school your mom kept him. Is there anything she could use help with? At 11 he's more than old enough to do just about any work. It's getting to be the time to rake leaves. My son always whined about it which meant it added extra work. If he rakes you could actually join him in a game of leaf pile jumping! I know he's being punished, but it doesn't hurt to do something fun with our kids. Heck, I miss having a lawn to rake this year! I know it's hard to build in any extra chores in the evening, but our kids need immediate praise or consequence. If, in the future, you need to put it off I'd suggest putting it on the calendar in RED so son is reminded every time he looks at it and when the time comes remind him again why he's doing the extra work. Actually, I'd sit down with my son before the work began and discuss what work he will be doing and why he's doing it. Good luck! I'll think of you and your son tomorrow while I'm making mine help at Grandma's house. Mine isn't in trouble, but seems to think that he doesn't need to pitch in. My parents sold their house and have one week to be out, so this weekend there's lots of stuff to do there and my son thought he was going to sit at home watching tv all weekend. haha not happening He's 6 feet tall and weighs close to 250 plenty big enough to help move furniture and boxes.

Chris - posted on 09/16/2009

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yes there is in IEP and just had meeting with Principal and teachers this morning. I am hoping things will change, but not sure. I asked him this morning what he has learned from getting suspended out of school and being grounded at home, and his response was appalling to me. He responded that he could not do things he wanted to do to have fun. I expected him to say because of his actions and threats at school. I did make him write letters of apology and grounded him until this weekend. He will be doing extra chores this weekend, it is difficult for me during the early evening because I have to make supper, dishes you know the daily routine of things plus make sure homework and everything else has been taken care that both him and his sister need on a nightly basis. Your comments are greatly appreciated and encouraging. Please add more!!!!! I don't think grounding him has made any impact, he was even still grounded from tv and computer at grandma's house, which he was really hoping that he would get to do at grandma's house, but HE WAS NOT!! Thank you mom for standing behind me on this one!!!! How long is to long to ground a kid at age 11 for them to get it that they are the ones responsible for their own actions. He also gets counseling as well, outside of school and she wants to put him on meds he was on that we just weaned him off of because he was accepted into a research study program for ADHD kids at a college in the city. He has to be off that med to participate in the study. I am trying to do anything that helps. I am grasping at straws in a hat and do not know what is truly the best way. It is the beginning of the year and i really do not want him placed outside of my home, he's my first born and my son and i love him dearly.

Shannon - posted on 09/13/2009

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Lisa the advise you are giving is very good advice and I hope chris reads it and checks those things out.

Shannon - posted on 09/13/2009

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Check with your school about a full time mentor. Hopefully budget cuts haven't done away with them. Keep a journal, it's important to notice triggers of behaviors. I had a child in my class room who was similiar. He couldn't be around children for more than two minutes. With a journal I kept track of what was happeining at the time of the behavior. The classroom setting can also have a big impact on his behavior. through time and patience, pick your battles, things can turn around. Be positve, but firm. When I say pick your battles don't nag about everything, just redirect his attention else where. Remark more on the good and just quietly redirect the bad.

Lisa - posted on 09/11/2009

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((((Chris)))) I know those phone calls well. I really wouldn't know what to tell you to do without knowing what you've done in the past, what's work, what hasn't, Does your son respond to having to do extra chores? Does he have (a) gaming system/s you can take? Would he respond to having to write apologies to all those he threatened or swore in front of?

In the past I have done all of these. My favorite is taking away his gaming.systems, yes plural he's a bit of a brat lol. Actually I don't take the entire system I confiscate the connection cables. He can't play them if he can't hook them up. I also like making him work. He doesn't like to do any type of housework, so when he's totally teed me he gets to start by cleaning the bathroom and we go from there. How much he winds up doing depends on how much whining and complaining and refusing he does. The more w/c/r he does, the more work he does. Yes, it makes for a loooooooooooooooong day, but sometimes he just pushes and pushes till I blow.

Does your son have an IEP? Who diagnosed his adhd? Has he had a complete neuro-psych eval? Often an adhd diagnosis is just the first crack in the dam and by the time it's all said and done the adhd is actually a component of some other disorder.

I'll check back, but in the meantime you need to realize that no matter what your child does it's not your fault. Your son is old enough to know what he was bringing on through his behavior and now he needs to pay by not having fun while he's out of school.

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