Help!! I caught my 15 yr old daughter having sex!

[deleted account] ( 16 moms have responded )

It wasn't in the midst but immediately after the deed! She's been with her boyfriend 8 months but at 15 I still think she's way too young and we've had the "talk"hundreds of times. I'm beside myself with emotions. I don't know what to do. I know for a fact they used a condom. I found it. I don't want to condone this and let it continue. I can't exactly forbid them from seeing each other ever again. I did call his mother right away and tell her what was going on. Itold her she and I need to communicate for now on with each other if they want to come over to each other's house.

What's done is done. But I don't know what to do now. She says I never listen. But it's more like she doesn't listen because it's not what she wants to hear.

Any & all advise is welcome. Thanks!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Janice - posted on 02/24/2010

14

40

1

Cheryl,
I have no girls and I am very concerned with my teenage boy. He too has a girlfriend and I strongly believe in supervision.
I have spoken with the mother who allows him over but I am on him like white on rice.
Now that IT has been done. I would share with her my concerns; pragnancy, stds, stuff like that and say that in my house I will not accept this type of behavior unless they are going to be Responsible in school; graduate, get a job, things like that.
I am a Christian and have strong religious values. I would tell them what it means to wait til marriage and ask if they are planning to marry. Her body is her temple. I mean not much was said about the boys character. Character counts for both.
It is still your home and you have rules. Try to maintain an open commuication with her and his mom. Let her talk about her concerns, stuff like that. But take a stand, they will respect you for it and themselves as well. Good luck.

Madi - posted on 03/26/2013

1

0

0

Omg 15 I would talk to the boys parents and get her tested for std's and make her break up with the boy and take a pregnancy test

Jo - posted on 09/02/2012

1

0

0

This is the worst thing you could have done. By forbidding them to see each other again, they are even MORE attracted to each other, and they will sneak out to see each other. This is how unintended pregnancies happen. What you need to do is to allow them to see each other, and handle this correctly. The damage is done, and if she doesn't sleep with him, she'll sleep with someone else. What you need to do is to let it take its course. You need to remind her premarital sex is not a good thing, and if she still intends to go through with it, provide her with birth control pills, and keep her from letting the worst happen (which is what you are trying to prevent, obviously). It's sad she lost her virginity that soon, but she's growing up. You can't get her virginity back.

Sarah - posted on 12/03/2011

1

0

0

I hope all you mothers who think you are being so responsible read the fine print on the birth control and realize you are jeopardizing your daughters' future fertility and health by putting them on hormonal contraceptives. It is amazing to me how many women don't realize how dangerous the pill is. I was on it for years until I did my research and realized what poison it is. And it does not protect against STD's and STI's which 1 in 4 Americans has. What will you do if your daughter doesn't get pregnant but contracts Herpes which she will have for life? It is insane to me how many parents are afraid to BE parents. YOU are the one in charge. You need to supervise your children and protect them from this risky behavior. They don't understand the longterm consequences of it but my gosh, you adults should!

Dawn - posted on 08/24/2011

56

25

6

I have a 15 yr old daughter and she had a friend who's mother use to allow her to have boys over to the house all the time. I made sure my daughter understood that there would be no way a boy would be allowed in our house unless me or my husband was home. And they would NOT be in a bedroom. I did take my daughter to the OBGYN 2 months ago and got her birth control. I don't want to be one of those mother's that thought that if I get the pill she'll think it's ok to have sex so I don't get it. Just because I got her on the pill isn't the go ahead to have sex however at least she is protected from getting pregnant and I have spoken to her about STD's. So a positive for you is that your daughter and her boyfriend WERE being responsible. If you forbid them from seeing each other you will have more problems on your hands because then they will sneak off. Kids will have sex no matter what we say or do so we as parents just need to make sure they are educated and protected. I hope this comment makes sense. Good luck

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

16 Comments

View replies by

Jacqueline - posted on 07/10/2014

32

0

1

Throughout the discussions you had with your daughter in the past, the reason why your daughter had sex probably isn’t just because of the media influence. It can also be because of you. In your discussions with her about sex, it depends on what you SPECIFICALLY said and did.

As a child, I was hurt by the smallest details in people's sentences that most others didn't notice, I would dive into deep thought if someone smiled or frowned at me (or didn't smile back), and I would continuously ponder on small elements like the way someone moved.

I absent mindedly gave a title for every movement one made:
Shifting would highly represent uncomfortable, shy or unfriendly and smiling would be entitled goody goody, fake or friendly.

The slightest moves you make and the most particular words you say to your daughter will be immediately calculated to these labels depending on how sensitive or observant she is.

You must be very careful with what you say and do around her during discussions of great importance, for I’m not insulting your expertise on psychology, but it is almost unnoticeable when you daughter has been changed or highly affected/insulted/influenced by what you have said.

You can firstly heighten her awareness and knowledge of sex and its consequences/causes, but then you must inform her of her wrong-doing and her shattered innocence, and make her feel firmly supported as you begin to go down the road of disremembering that unwanted episode with her boyfriend and discontinuing that pattern.

Good luck!

Aimee - posted on 09/10/2012

1

0

0

I could use advice too. I just found written notes in my 15-year-old daughter's dresser drawer. The notes were to her friend and they talked about how she had sex with a boy at school, had a pregnancy scare, and possibly could have an STD. The reason I read the notes was because our daughter shares nothing with us and I wanted to know if there was anything I needed to know. Boy was there! I have not shared anything with my husband yet, because I know he will flip out and that won't help anything. I did make an appointment with an OBGYN for tomorrow morning and I am checking her out 30 minutes before school ends to have a discussion with her. I have to work at 5 so this was my only option.



Any advise would be most welcome. Cheryl, I wish I had some for you.

Susan - posted on 07/02/2010

2

8

0

Great advice - ditto - I was horrified to find a codom in my 14 year olds garbage - I cried - then followed adivce like writtne above....

Melissa - posted on 06/26/2010

63

17

2

YEP, that's what I said... 16 and Pregnant, Teen Moms, and Secret Life of th American Teenager... GOOD ways to open lines of communication!!!

Melissa - posted on 06/26/2010

63

17

2

Oh Cheryl, that is my worst fear for my 14 year old. You have done what I think was a great job with your response. You need to now do what I have said I would do too is talk to her about PERSONAL birth control and say, I know you don't want to be a Mommy and I DON'T want to be a Grandma, so lets go get you on ... THAT is what I would do. That is not condoning it, but being responsible because she is already having sex. Worse than having sex would being a teenage parent.

Not the most popular answer, however; you cannot guarantee it won't happen again. Tell her that she is too young and you don't want this to continue, and you will trust her to make future decisions that are in HER BEST INTEREST OF A FUTURE. Explain that college would be almost impossible for a teen mom and that this guy is most likely not going to be the one that is there in 10 years.

THEN have her start watching "Secret Life of the American Teenager" and "Teen Mom" Those 2 shows have been GREAT ways for me to open lines of communication with my daughter. She sees what these girls are going through and says. "I don't want THAT to happen to me" and it means more than a 4 hour lecture from MOM!!

Good luck, I wish you both well!!!
Melissa

Jodie - posted on 11/22/2009

123

19

4

i have a 15yr old sexual active girl as well.i know what you mean.and i was the same to,but i tackle very differently with my girl.as a young mum,myself.19 i was when i had her.so i was in my prime of still discovering and learning bout life as a teenager,also,i had encounter a very dark social life,that involved alot of hairy,and o.m.g moments.i would go behinde my parents back and have sex elsewhere,and i got myself in to sum dangerous situations doing it.it was a lack of no knowledge for me,but over time i gain knowledge,so much of it,i knew the dangers of how life works in a teenage world.so i made it my mission to teach my daughter,the dangers,the risk if making out any where other than home.from the age of 11,i slowly but surley taught my daughter,how to be street wise and street suvvey.100 points for the responsabiltiy of the two teenagers,where a condom is provided.with all the talking in the world.meaning,teaching her bout the birds and the bees,clearly something has paid of for you,with what you have talked to her bout.yes 15 is young.and even though you dont wont it to contiune under your roof.it will contiune elsewhere.in a park at his house at a mates place,anywhere.i did that as a teen.and all it got me,was a low sense of dignity.i look back now and think gross,but its apart of a teenage world these days.sex that is. my parents did not let me have sex under their roof.so i took it elsewhere.my advice to you.is to sit her down,get her the pill,and sit down propley and hand down some boundies with her.no matter how hard,or how far you you are willing to take it,by saying no you can not have sex under my roof.honestly,you may live to regert it.course all she will do,is meet him somewhere else,and if you get her on the pill,and you make that choice to not let her do it in the comfort of her own room.you may just find her,rebelling more,stop taking the pill.not use condoms,course in a teenage world,when we try to lay the law down,they will seek revenge,and you could find yourself dealing with a teenage pregnacy. i know you must think,no way,we set the rules and they must obey,by them.for teenager nope,these are the years,they can go 1 of many ways to get what they wont.or there are just some teenagers,that dont have a life at all.and most teenager,go the way we wish they wouldnt,and thats to start experimenting in things they know are wrong,but to them its new and exciting,and they wont that life to.as hard as it is to accept,its happening in your life now.yes its painful knowing your child is sexually active,but the damage is done,and it wont go away,no matter how hard you try to make it go away.so all you really can do.is accept that this has happen,doesnt mean you dont like it.but you you do need to work out rules sourrounding it. how i view it with my girl,id rather know she is safe in her room,using protection and i know where she is.of course,i do not encourage it at all.her boyfriend doesnt stay over night,and my girl respects and understands that.yes i allow it,but when it does happen,my girl comes to me and ask me if she can,then we talk bout safety measures,and then i leave her be.although my girl knows all bout the dangers if shes not protected.and what may b if a mistake occurs.its bout being open minded to it all.its how you tackle it.my girl and i have the most beautiful bond and relationship,shes open and honest and tells me everything.the difference is i knew this day would come from day one,being that teenager once before,i had a very open mind bout it.and when the time was right,i taught my girl,the basics,i explained things to her,that she could understand,and as the years passed by,she learnt through school bout sex ed.but she already knew bout the birds and the bees.we wont to protect them from this activity,but teenagers do feel the pressure of other kids.and in their mind,need to see for themselves.and we all know it anit all that.but they need to see for themselves.allow yourself to listen to her,it may not be what you wont to hear,but you need to. but before you do that,you need to tell her,il listen to you,if you listen to my rules if i allow you to contiune doing it.its comes down to reasoning with your girl,and making her respect your wishes and your rules,and when you say no for one day,that she ask,she needs to accept that,and say maybe another day.and leave it there.if you are open and honest with her,on how you feel,by letting her know,i dont like it,but clearly i cant stop it.but id rather it happen under my roof and not at a park.that way,she knows whats expected of her,where your rules apply.and if she breaks those rules,that there will be conquences put into place.and tell her before she breaks the rules.and maybe for a week stop her from seeing her boyfriend.and explain you broke our deal,so then in saying that to her,you will find,how much she starts to be open and honest with you.i know you must think,im pretty much telling you to allow it,im not. im just merly saying to go in to it with a open mind.i guess this is the one thing we keep our kids from ever doing.reality we cant,its happening all over the world,as parents sex and babies with our girls is the one thing we try to protect our girls from.course i know some mums dont know how to deal or cope with it.society has changed,its not like the old days.and we cant lock them up 24/7.all we can do is become apart of their world,to understand them and the pressures they are faced with each day as they find there way thru,teenage life.i honestly know,that teenagers deal with alot of stuff.they do or can make wrong choices and they will learn.but as there parents,they need to know we are there for them to talk,not to judge.course one thing i learn't being judged as a teenager by my parents.it drove me further and further away from them,and i lead a life of hell.not that im saying you judge your girl.it just me making a statement to how teenager can be driven away by their parents judgement.thats why i say get in to her world and let her open up.then that way,you know you can trust her,why having sum time with her b/friend in a private moment.yes its hard to accept your girl is sexually active.try n look pass it.and work out a soulation that suite you both,then you need to ring his parents again.by the way good on you,ive done the same,and my girls b/friends parents are aware of it.and we have decided,that which ever house the kids are at,that the adults house they are in,are responsiable for making sure the kids are safe.it works for us.all parents have different views,and hay thats awesome.this i can say,despite my girl having permission to do her private stuf.she also knows,that school work and school will all ways be the top of her list.my girl is a good head on her,she knows her career she wonts,and shes a good student,thats the one thing im very strict on her education comes 1st.just trying to keep her balance in her life.its okay to have emotions running through,as what you walked into,was the fright of a lifetime.walking into a situation you thought you would never ever had to see.but you did,and i can understand,your frustration.and not knowing what to do.so i hope i have given you some ideas on what you could do,if you dont wont to drive her away.as hard as it will be,to allow it.just think to yourself,you know you made the right choice,course i guess it could of been a whole lot worst.the one thing parents to ask themselves when a crisis like this has occured,they feel they have failed as parents.you havent,we can only teach and guide our kids down the right path,and hope they make right choices.teenagers just get lost in the moment,and before they know it.its gone to far.and for some kids,they dont know how to talk to their parents,course in some teenagers minds,they havent had the chance to gain an open relationship and a honest one,with their parents,so yes they do behave badly.but you have the chance to stop that with your girl,from driving her away,course we get angry and say things we dont mean,and then its too late.so i do hope i have given some sort of guide how to tackle the situation.why you still have a bond with her.from this situation,talk to her,open up and allow her to do the same.and i bet you will find after a while,you will both have a clear understanding to each others needs and wonts.be her friend,but not a clingy friend,but 1st and for most,differently dont loose sight of being her mother as well.they need rules and guidelines.and friends dont give that,but parents do,its our job too.dont be hard on yourself.and also have a friend to support you,a friend that has been down that road before,who can understand your emotion,course like most things if you havent experience the ordeal yourself,people seem to judge you,and tell you something that wont get solved,but make it worst.ive been on that pathway with my girl.1 judgemental friend,who has 1 kid,thats a boy and only 5.that imput you dont need.i do beleive you will find a way thru this,we always do.so i do wish you all the best with her.and i do beleive you will make the right choice,with watever you decide to do.as long as safe sex is put in place,and talked bout with both the kids and his parents,then you all know where you stand.it will be okay.but honestly be you stopping it from happening,they will find other ways to do it.and like i said there could be serious mistakes may be accounted for,just through her,maybe,not saying she will,but revenge on you,for saying no.do u wont that.sometimes in a teenage life,we need to give some lee way,for them,course at the end of the day,truthfully one way or another all teenagers at some stage before they hit 20.they drive there parents up the wall.it all up to us to how we handle the situation.and so you know this is my own life experience,and i tackle my daughter by explaining propley,like you have with your girl.difference is,your girl never got your permission she just did it.and thats just disrespectful for you,but now you are aware of it. i hope ive help by giving you by thoughts and feelings toward how to deal with this situation.wish you all the best.and good luck with your girl.if shes an understanding kid.most teenagers anit,,lol,she will gain and respect your wishes okay.cool,they are complicated as our teenagers are.but we love and will do anything possiable to protect them,and thats our right too.best wishes for your journey ahead.

Angie - posted on 11/10/2009

17

14

2

We can't 100% control our kids even with the best parenting they will make bad choices. God uses mistakes for growth. The world is not over. I understand your emotions. I would be really upset too. I personally do not think sex between teens is OK so I would still allow them to date but NEVER be alone again. Supervise well! Just my opinions.

Patricia - posted on 09/15/2009

234

47

44

Quoting Cheryl:

Help!! I caught my 15 yr old daughter having sex!

It wasn't in the midst but immediately after the deed! She's been with her boyfriend 8 months but at 15 I still think she's way too young and we've had the "talk"hundreds of times. I'm beside myself with emotions. I don't know what to do. I know for a fact they used a condom. I found it. I don't want to condone this and let it continue. I can't exactly forbid them from seeing each other ever again. I did call his mother right away and tell her what was going on. Itold her she and I need to communicate for now on with each other if they want to come over to each other's house.
What's done is done. But I don't know what to do now. She says I never listen. But it's more like she doesn't listen because it's not what she wants to hear.
Any & all advise is welcome. Thanks!


Cheryl... its a fear every mother has for her children/daughters and sons alike. First and foremost there has to be more open communication towards what sex education really implies, apart from just the biological functions. There are many reasons why teenagers opt to having boyfriends/girlfriends.... most of it is seer peer pressure. Have a talk with her about yourself when you where her age... bring to awareness apart from
unwanted mistakes of early responsibilities... there is also diseases associated with sex. she says " you never listen" then ask her what is it that she feels/thinks you are not hearing!!! as you said "whats done is done" yet there is so much more to all this... do not make her feel guilty... now that it has happened where do you come in as a Friend/mother and see how best you can educate her further on the whole that is to say mentally and emotionally...









 

Linda - posted on 09/09/2009

16

22

1

I know that this is a very hard thing to accept but your part now is you need to make sure she is keeping herself safe and using protection. You can't forbid her cuz believe me they will and do find other places to have sex and not always the safest places. I have 3 daughters ages 18, 14 and 12. I know for a fact that my 18 and 14yr olds are having sex. I am a grandmother of a 3yr old and there is another on the way due Dec 24th. This is not what you want. I raise my grandchild right now and I am sure I will help raise the other. They are both my 18yr olds but her first she had at 15. I did get her on birthcontrol right away but as you can see from the results birthcontrol alone don't always work so she needs you to teach her these things. So talk with your daughter don't make her scared to talk to you. You need to be her friend and her mom I know sometimes it is hard to draw that line but it needs to be there. You are her mom and you want her to learn it from you not from her friends. I hope this helps you some.

Rebecca - posted on 07/22/2009

172

10

25

hope she is takeing some kind of birth control at that age has she seen the show 16 and pregnant? i guess since she feels that she is an adult now she can make them choices for herself ... if that is the case u need to give her some tuff love... as much as it hurts something needs to be done babys haveing babies? i would defenatly draw the line about having them in a room together exspecially hers or his and the door needs to stay open if u dont want this too happen again.and yes stay incontact with his mom as well and both need to talk and comunicate.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms