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What do you do when you find out your 13 year old son isn't the angel you've always thought him to be!?

Shannon - posted on 02/09/2009 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My 13 year old son and I have always been extremely close. He's always been sweet, kind, considerate of other people's feelings and just an all around great kid. Good grades and always respectful. Well a couple of weeks ago, I was looking at old text messages on my phone, clearing out the ones I didn't need and I came across some that my son and a girl at his school were exchanging. They were VERY inappropriate and I was shocked to say the least. When I confronted him with the text messages we sat down and talked about sex and all the things that go along with it. I'll save all the details, but later on that day I found out he had lied to me about something as well . And then after that, same day mind you, I found out he had tried a cigarette at a party. It was too much. I was devastated. When I tried to talk to some of my friends about it, they said I should just be happy that he's not doing drugs or drinking. Well duh, of course I'm glad he not doing those things, but the things he had been doing were still very upsetting to me. My kid has never been in ANY trouble for any reason. He was as close to perfect as you could get. (And yes, I know no one is perfect). Helps around the house without being asked, still wants to be tucked in at night, says I love you every chance he gets. The only thing I could ever say that wasn't totally positive is sometimes he gets sarcastic, but we are a very sarcastic family so he comes by it naturally. Which leads me to his next problem. One week after all the other trouble, I got 2 emails from 2 different teachers (he's in all advanced classes in the 7th grade) telling me about his disruptive behavior in class. One even gave him a detention she was so tired of it. He likes to talk too much and be the funny guy that makes everyone laugh. Again, I was devastated. I guess I'm going on too long here. I guess it really doesn't matter what he did. What I need to know is HOW do I deal with this and the way I'm feeling. I know he's growing up and exploring and experimenting, I was a teenager too. But it's hard to look at him the same way. Please, don't take that wrong. Nothing could make me love my son any less EVER, but I find myself checking up on him more now (which I guess isn't a bad thing at this age). I don't take what he says at face value because it was SO easy for him to lie to me. I guess I am just so sad and sort of disappointed. And yeah, I know it could be worse. Please, help me with ideas to deal with my feelings on this. Thanks!

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3 Comments

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Sandy - posted on 05/15/2009

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Hey when did you meet my son? Cause you so just wrote my story with my 13 year old son. The only difference is I know that when my son started with all of his "change" there was a girl involved that mind you I had all but forbid him to talk to cause she had caused so much trouble with another boy that we knew. And so like i found out a week ago today that they have been dating a few weeks now and that is when I first started noticing the change but his dad says longer than that but I didnt want to see it like everyone else cause that was "Momma's Baby Boy!" I dont know if I believe that or not but hey.LOl

Dee - posted on 04/17/2009

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I read your post and I could relate my son older now and I went thru something very simular at that same age , a key word you used was disappointed, it leaves you hurt, I always say that my mom did such a great job because she did for the most part make it look easy especiacally when I was young, and I really as a parent was not prepared for the DISAPPOINT it brings at times that being said you seem like you are close with your son as I am with mine, it was hard for me get past that feeling I guess but once I put it in check and we sat down and aired it all out we are still close and we share and talk. There are times that they may not share everything and they are not perfect nor are we so I think we just have stand firm on our rules, always let our love show, and guide guide guide and they will be fine, you sound like a wonderful mother and you have a wonderful son who is learning about life I am sure he will be fine with your guidance.

Denise

Sarah - posted on 02/11/2009

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Oh I feel your pain, my 'perfect kid' bubble has also burst.

Yes, I had the perfect daughter, and then oh god, she started liking boys - and {gasp} the horror, she was kissing them. And well, I was devastasted too...I remember learning that she had sex. That was a numbing few days let me tell you. She actually wrote me a letter about it. I say all this because, its hard when your kid is ready to grow up , before you are ready!!

I do have some relief in that she has had a very good influence for a boyfriend these past few months, and she has chosen to be sober! No drugs or drinking. -And funny, if I had to choose, I would pick this natural act, sex, over under age drinking and drugs anyday.

I know, most people seem to think its impossible for teens to opt -out of this lifestyle....but it does happen! So I believe all you say about your wonderful son.



Anyway, I'm giving you all this back ground, beacause, I, thankfully, have it in the background now! Mind you its only been a few months since it all came down, but man,I tell you I feel invinsible now! I've tackled, birth control pills, pap tests, condom buying, it made me cringe to think about discussing with my daughter so soon{16}, but of course, I'd be doing her a disservice if I didn't.

I think if you see your son, as a person, simply learning about himself, than you can put away that feeling of dissapointment. Mind you, at the same time, he's got to follow some of the school & house rules, have consequnces to his actions...

Does he have adequate outlets for his chatty-self-confidence? Perhaps he needs a place to let this out; drama classes, toastmasters, clubs at school, run for prez of student council?

I remember my daughter was in tears because she didn't feel she was any good at anything, so we got her signed up for piano lessons again....now shes got something to focus on other than school....and I think that is also important for them to know that there is more to life than school...

One more thing, I 've always told my daughter is nothing is more important than honesty. Its all we have in relationships! I remember telling her all I want to hear is the truth. Even if its bad. I think kids lie because they are afraid of telling the truth, for fear of hurting us {and they so desperately want our approval -even now!} And sometime lies, can be dangerous, or put them in dangerous situations. So, if you can convey that, and not, although it hurts like hell, not to over-react, to what they say, than the trust will be there. And I think thats the best start to being open.

My two-bits anyway!

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