Why does it seem that my 17 year old son doesn't like me anymore, when we've always been so close?

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Katarina - posted on 06/04/2010

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Ugh. My son is going on 17 this year and he absolutely hates me one minute and the next he is as sweet as ever ond we get along great...But he is getting really distant and I have no idea what is goign on in his mind. He has a such a thick shell around him and pretends that nothing gets to him although he is SO sensitive and vulnerable. :( Its difficult.

Lisa - posted on 06/15/2013

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My son is 16 and we have always had a good relationship. We talked, kidded around and seemed rather close.He does well in school and friends with a decent group of boys.He would text me and let me know what was up and where he was. Then we got him a truck and he got a partime job and I just found out recently he had sex with a 18 year old girl that works where he does. Needless to say I am distraught. We have talked about sex and I told him I felt he was to young to understand the feelings that come from it all. We talked about protection if he ever did decide to do it. I argued with him about it and forbid him to see her anymore but I knew that wouldn't go well. So now he is telling his father whom he doesn't live with that I am fussing at him and on him all the time and he needs a "break"! and I think he may want to go stay with him becasue he would get away with mass murder! So I am giving him the silent treatment and hardly see him anymore. I just don't understand how he could say those things to his dad about me when I have been what I always thought was a good mother. Just very hurt right now.

Jess - posted on 03/03/2014

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OMG I can so relate to this, my son will be 17 in July and as he is getting older and more and more independent, the more distant he seems to be getting, I find it really difficult to hold a face to face conversation with him these days let alone have a laugh and a joke with him (but he seems fine with his friends) we actually talk more via Facebook or Text messaging when he isn;t at home (mind you saying that I tend to get 1 or 2 word answers to my lengthy sentances), I miss my son so so much and I love him that much, how he is with me really really hurts, is he just being a normal sulky teenager do you think or am I trying to be an over protective mum?

Shelley - posted on 09/24/2009

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PRAISE GOD! I cannot believe that I found this group! My son is 17..actually going to be 18 this coming October. Reading your comments has given me hope that I can find others to at least talk to! I have shed so many tears because he seems to hate my guts and his entire school is made up of pot-smoking, beligerent kids. He stays out so late every night, I am not sure that he is going to make it through school his final year. I have so many fears!

Deaunna - posted on 09/17/2012

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I'm so sorry you are feeling the pain and yes, agony of your son (most probably) cutting the 'apron strings.' He must do this to fully move into adulthood. Please know that it's not easy for him either, as he is psychologically grieving this process as well.



Become aware of your communication when you see your son. 2 things come to mind. Resist the urge to try and fix his problems- unless you ASK his permission- teenagers hate this. Mostly all they want is EMPATHY. Just to know someone cares- has been there- done that- helps teenagers to FEEL normal.



Also, resist the urge to bring negative things to his attention EACH time you see him. Instead, choose one day of the week- make an appointment- where you bring negative things to his attention. In this meeting always begin with a sincere compliment- then instruct- then reaffirm positive character traits and again sincerely appreciate him!



What will happen is he will begin to see you in a more positive light i.e. won't dread seeing you because he thinks he'll always have something negative to deal with. Give it a try- it's harder than you might think! I still 'catch' myself and bite my tongue constantly with my 16yo son.



BTW- Arguing and fighting will exacerbate the situation. You give up your parenting power when you get sucked into an argument. If he is escalated, just say- in a NON REACTIVE tone of voice, "we'll talk when we both are calm" and walk away. If he follows, continue to calmly repeat the same sentence until he goes away. Non reaction is the key here.



Do not despair! You've been doing a lot (x's 100) things right to have maintained a great relationship with your son for this long!!! Hope this helps! (((hugs2U)))

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Kate - posted on 09/18/2014

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My son left me at 14 yrs after I divorced his father for adultery and unreasonable behaviour my son is now 19 I have no relationship with him he hates me and ex husband and mother in law have poisioned my son I had a child my one and only and they took him off me and I am expected to live without him it breaks my heart I know the pain it's like a living berevement

Andy - posted on 07/26/2014

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Another post that says it all. so he has a lovely step dad and a 'deadbeat dad' - in your jaundiced opinion. The boy has sense.

Andy - posted on 07/26/2014

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Lisa - it's not surprising. It's not your business to dictate to him now he's 16, the more u try to do so, the more he will withdraw from you. you should be pleased he has his dad to turn to - your comments say it all really.

Natalie - posted on 05/29/2014

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Going through the exact same thing!!need help my 19year old son left me his mom & a great stepdad to live with his deadbeat dad!! So scare suppose to go back to school in Sept.leave message private on Facebook please... Thank-you

Kathy - posted on 04/14/2014

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My son is 17. He will graduate in June. We have been struggling with our relationship since Feb. His longtime girlfriend cheated on him. They worked it out, but his dad and I are very upset with how the girl treats him, as well as us. We have not been able to forgive her. It is affecting everything. I find myself wishing we could turn back the hands of time, but I know this is not possible. Now we cannot see eye to eye on any subject at all. He never wants to be home. This should be such a happy time for us, and it is full of pain.

[deleted account]

My Teen has been pulling away recently.. like even today she is sick and doesnt want mommy as much as normal. It does hurt and i am not sure if i am doing something wrong of it is normal. I know if i were to ask it would upset her. I have a newborn and perhaps i am just used to that degree of closeness..but my eldest used to want me so much and now she is slowly pulling away, is this normal? Some say she isnt pulling away, and its just me being paranoid..

Joanne - posted on 12/30/2013

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I think it must be a "normal" behavior for some 17 year old boys. We missed this phase with our first son. We have loved and cared for our 17 year old and he suddenly changed over night. He had fallen behind in school, and got involved in other things mentioned by others. It does break my heart but I know he'll come out to the other side, its the waiting that is painful. We raised him with our church, family and friends so there are solid roots and that is my salvation that he isn't alone. I agree, I found that listening and staying calm seems to build trust with him. There was a bit of confusion on both of our parts and now we are trying to communicate with more clarity. He felt every time we talked to him it was to bring up a "crisis", he wanted to have more than conversations about the "crisis." I keep telling myself, one day he will understand where his dad and I are coming from. I tell him, "what kind of parents would we be, if we didn't worry or try to guide him in another direction?" Thank you all for sharing!

Danita Rebecca - posted on 12/05/2013

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Lisa Ann, it is so good to hear these things. My son is not sexually active that I'm aware of, but, if he were, his dad would be the only one to know. I'm never told anything about any subject (work, school, etc.). He likes staying with his dad because he actually said he doesn't like living with me. Like you, I'm a good mother. He turns 18 tomorrow, and I even looked up the age of majority in Alabama on-line this morning to make sure he'll have to live with me another year so he can finish out his senior year. I'm so afraid that, if he lived with his dad, he would not go to college and may end up getting in trouble.

Danita Rebecca - posted on 12/05/2013

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Karen, you have described my relationship with my son to a tee! Everyone (without teenage sons) say, "Oh, it's just that age. Don't worry about it." Well, I do worry myself sick about it. I was that age myself once, and I would have never fathomed treating either of my parents the way my son treats me.

Tony - posted on 11/20/2013

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Well I am a dad, when my son turned seventeen everything changed. He don't listening to me I am wrong about everything and I owed him everything, or he would say you give but you want something back. I tried to say when you go to work do you want your pay check?.He started using drugs dropped school. I let him know the consequences of his decisions and tried to get him back in school or to work at an adult job that could provide for him as an adult.I paid for his car, car insurance cell phone and everything. I started taking things away. The more I did the worse he got. He moved to a different state to his sisters started working at Jamba Juice when he turned 21 years old ..He has to have a job and pays rent to room with his niece and he walks know. I really don't know what happened to him.He has creditors calling that I talk to him about I paid one of his bills told him I would help but he needed to call and try to fix these problems they don't go way . I can't do everything for him. Some how he gets mad at me. I miss my son who is this kid or I guess young man. I kinda feel I got ripped off I feed him raise him change his diaper know when he can go to college hit the golf course and that kind of stuff he's off doing dumb stuff and everything I say he acts like he's mad at me. I read a post here that said don't offer to help just listen thats what they need. I think thats how I have to be. Just don't want him to get to far down the wrong road. thanks for the advise.

Lesley - posted on 11/26/2012

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Wonder if anybody can help or give advice. I have a 26 year old daughter that has been very independent since she was about 13 with a mind of her own. She met her now boyfriend when she was 17 and has been with him for 9 years now even moved into his city where he lived and just down the road from his mother, aunt and Uncles. Now it seems we only get to see her about 2 times a year she hardly if anything rings us and only texts now and then. She always posting pictures on her facebook of her with his family never any of us (me n her dad) and spends every Christmas with them.

I have talked to her about it but she says I am just been paranoid maybe I am I dont know. We always have another daughter who is 6 years younger and my oldest daughter has said she feels like we favour the youngest one over her. Her and her sister were very close and when the youngest was 20 she went to live with her oldest sister and everything was great until about 6 months ago and now they hardly talk.

Her boyfriend is a nice boy but find him very immature and notice that he didnt like visiting us and use to get quite jealous of my oldest daughter when she did come over spending time with us. I have noticed that all his family are quite possessive of my oldest daughter, makes me wonder if him and his family might be trying to cause friction between my oldest and my youngest daughter.

Wonder if anyone can give me advice on how to handle this situation or should I just step back and see what eventuates?

Lmpecchia - posted on 11/22/2012

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It is a such a passage,When I think back I never knew my mom would have any feelings, she was the rock the one I never had to worry about until she cried one day,she was human I was the alien what was this, my brain is not thinking about those things only my new thoughts my dreams my fantasys wow...new discovery felt bad,had no idea and she was crying about something I wanted to do that was stupid,not in my mind at the time,I did not do it after that I started to think a wee bit about others but as a teenager it was a brain of mush nothing personal I would say back if I could to my parents.Not so easy on the other side as I have 2 teenager boys in that place.So I now sometimes Breath,keep the conversation light,football always good even though moms know not much about it as thy tell me .Its o.k its a little of something to have a lot of something down the road. hang strong moms..

Jennifer - posted on 08/31/2012

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It's so nice to know I'm not alone. My son (16) and I have talked about everything and shared lots. He lives far away with his Dad. So we have been forced to actually talk because we only get to physically be together 2 times per year for the last 5 years. I so valued our time on the computer and phone. I was his homework buddy. It was awesome! Now, just in the last 5 months, our conversations are short, if he calls at all and if I call him you would think I was totally messing up his life. Gosh this is so hard. I know it's natural but it seems all I can do is cry. It hurts so much. It's nice to know this is normal. I really thought I had done something wrong.

[deleted account]

OK Karen, this will probably get me thrown out of the community, but......I do not have a teenage child. My gf, who just recently passed, does/did have a child who was a former student of mine. Nuff said about that. LOL Anyway, when he was about 14 and started having the hormonal urges teen boys do, he acted on this one New Years Eve with his mom. After she responded, he and she became better friends and had a much better parent/child relationship. Their unique bond caused him to mature, her to expand her way of thinking and afforded them both the opportunity to excel. No fights over major issues, few over minor ones. I am glad to say that he and I are now best of friends after his mother's passing; I look on him as a much favored son and my children think of him as an awesome big brother/father figure. Maybe your son is just experiencing hormonal urges and thoughts that are a little out of "society's" box. Ask him, be open. Good luck and don't kick me out! Hugs, Lisa

Marquetta - posted on 07/15/2010

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I have a 17yr. and we are bumpin heads like crazy, I don"t like the company he keeps, so we are constantly into it. I am still mom and until he get it together we will continue to bump heads. I bought him a car with the intentions of him gettin a job, well that was the wrong idea, he let friends mess it up, so I took it and now he is walkin, so now I am the mean mom, but I have given him so many chances with that car, and he still doesn't seem to learn.

Janice - posted on 01/20/2010

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wow, I just started tearing when I read your question. I was there too. But I just want to comment: My so, also 16yrs old was like this w me n we always been close. I never stopped loving on him n realized that teens are trying to gain independence n control of their lives. Becaue I mentioned this to him n how much I was hurting n he now hugs me, spends time w me talking aout what happening in his world...I listen because all they want is someone who will always be there, no matter what. I do keep him in line when he forgets I am his mother but he likes that.

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i have a 17 yr old that has left home to live with his dad and since he left he dosnt want to know me we were so close till he left

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I think its just a normal part of the process of growing up. I have two teenage sons, one is 18 and the other will be 17 in March. The youngest and I have always been really close from the day he was born. He opens up to me, where he wont his dad. If he has a problem he comes to mom about it instead of his dad. I remember when he used to say that he thought girls were "Yucky" and now thats all he thinks about. lol He is a good kid, Ive never had any problems out of him and he knows he can come talk to mom about anything that bothers him. Its was hard at first for me to back down and let him have a little more freedom, seeing as to how I was the first woman involved in his life, now he has a steady girlfriend, she is a real sweet little girl and they spend a lot of time together. I know one day he will leave and get married and thats part of the process that all of us mothers will eventually face. My oldest, a daughter went through the same thing. But now she and I have a wonderful Mother Daughter, Friendship type relationship going on, a few years ago it was her seeing how rebellious she could be. I am happy to say that my son and I dont argue or fight, he has never gotten disrepectful to me and for that I am thankful. Like I stated before, I feel its just a stage he is going through, just let him know u are there for him and there really isnt much u can do aside from that. Wow, I see this was an older post, well maybe my reply will help someone ina similar situation. Best Wishes!

Paula - posted on 12/24/2009

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I understand exactly how you feel! My eldest seems to enjoy hurting me these days and we've always been close! Hang it there i'm sure as good parents that this will pass and all our hard work will pay off in later years! Happy christmas!

Zahra - posted on 12/24/2009

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I have the same my son told me the other day he does not like me. I wanted to really hear what there is for him with that but he refused to speak about it. And all I could say was that I love him

Michelle - posted on 10/05/2009

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I think its that age!!! I dont feel like mine does half the time... then all of the sudden i hear i love you mommy!! he will grow out of it!!

[deleted account]

Normal, normal, normal....In a couple of years he will return to being your sweet loving child you worked so hard on. Patience is the most important thing at this point!

Rebecca - posted on 07/24/2009

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yes i too have found my 15 yr old to be moody and how u cant do any right or they are always right none of u moms are alone... they all go thro this. stage... my son and i hve been close to and i have to step back and give him space as needed. good luck to all moms!

[deleted account]

I found this with my son also. We were told by "THE EXPERTS" that this is their way of making the break from mom easier. Strange way to do it but they seem to be right. My son was right on time with when they said he would do it. 6mos-1year before graduating as this is when they are discussing college in high school and they get scared. I hope I was able to encourage you. He is now 21 and we are friends again. Good luck, Trish

Danni - posted on 07/23/2009

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agreed...i'm right here with all of you. in the last 3 months i have become the lamest person ever in my son's eyes. he started hanging out with some 'not so ambitious' boys. marijuana, drinking, refusing to come home....i'm at a loss.

Damita - posted on 07/23/2009

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yes my son is 15 ,16 in sept very moody i cant seem 2 do anything right he doesnt want me 2 do this or that he is always right i know its just a stage he is going through i cant wait for it 2 pass

Dedra - posted on 07/16/2009

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Oh my goodness this is refreshing I am not the only mom who see this major change mine will be 18 in 6 mnths we have always been close and the last few months he has put me through the ringer and i still look at him and say no matter what you do i will always love you you are my baby whether you want to be or not he doesnt smart mouth or disrespect me verbally but his attitude sometimes is real bad and his behavior lacks brains sometimes and his actions are lets just say not thought out at all!!! Ive cried ive laughed ive pouted and i now have new blood pressure meds lol but i raised him to be self assured independant and and proud of who he is and who he wants to be and i often wonder these days what planet is he from but he will always be my baby thanks for letting me know im not alone and on top of all that i will still tell you that he is a good kid because he is a great son and person!!!

Anette - posted on 07/15/2009

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I have 2 sons and both have left home to study. My oldest are 20 and the youngest 19. We have to remember that with sons we are theyr first love, and we raise them to be independent. When time comes to let go of your mum, they want to show that they can take care of them self. i always tell them that i am interested in how they are getting on, and that i am there if things go wrong ( mums money is ok. sometimes..haha). My oldest is always calling me to say he is alright and my youngest pop in to chat when hw can. I am proud of what they have achived, but also remebering the long and winding road it has been :-)

Tina - posted on 07/14/2009

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I know how you feel my son is 17 to and he always wants to sleep over his friends house. I say no because I don't always want him being with other people so much. I know he's bored in all I do let him be around his friends, but not all the time. he like to shut me out also i want for us to be close I just need to give him his space. I know he'll come around so we just need to always be there for our boys and pray that god will always lead him in the right direction I hope I help you out god bless.

Terrie - posted on 07/14/2009

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My son just turned 15 today... We have some of these issues to. Seems like I cant do anything right at times? Are they just moody??

Lilian - posted on 07/13/2009

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dont worry ive have a 17yr old he has setled down now he still has mood swings he went through a stage were he go to school then wage school, smoked dope,stealing, but once we got him away from certain kids and got him a part time job with a friend tiling floors our freind told him straight out any crap from him he would sack him my boy liked the idea of getting money of his own but he was also told he has to go to school to the step program at our school helped to were they still did english, math,wood work making things for the town also for them selves metal work a tafe course in welding and work at a job one day aweek this went on for the hole yr he has finished school and is now training to be a mechanic finding him a job help with his moods he has learnt to be more patient with everyone now maybe you can talk to a freind that might be able to help him with a part time job and he can earn alittle money for himself my loveable boy has come back to me he always wants his cuddles from mum again

Danyon - posted on 07/12/2009

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ahhh so I'm not the only mom out there in the world who has a teenager who hates her. What a relief! Anyways, my son and I have the same temperment so sometimes its extremely hard to communicate with each other. I have talked to him and reassured him that it wasn't long ago that I was his age and I was the smartest person on the planet. I also informed him of "if I knew then what I know now" thinking. I was once told that I should allow natural consequences. Allow him to make a few mistakes to realize that I actually do know what I'm talking about. We have our moments where we just know to stay away, yet he also knows that I am always here if he needs ANYTHING.
I always said I would be that "cool mom that my kids will tell everything too"..unfortunalty I have not become that mom! I guess its still uncool to talk to your parents about things!

Liz - posted on 07/11/2009

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Awww mom....he still LOVES you! That will never change! He is just in that "Im almost 18, an adult" phase right now. Just stay firm in your rules and what you expect from him...and make sure you choose your battles. My 18yr old is about to go in the Airforce and ever since he got sworn in...he thinks he can do whatever he wants! Yea...I dont think so, not while ur under my roof! lol Love him, let him have his space...but stay firm. Hang in there...remember...he loves you..ur his mom! =D

Jane - posted on 07/09/2009

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Reading this is soooooooooo reassuring for me!!!!!!!!!!! I thought I was doing something very wrong. My son will be 17 next month and until 18 months ago, he told me everything. Nothing was a secret; he was a model student and an obedient, loving son. Nowadays, he's not disrespectful but he can be thoughtless. In fact, we have taken over a lot of the thinking for him for his own sake. The hormones are raging, he's testing the boundaries and Hubby & I are moving hell and high water to make sure his life stays on track and that he stays safe. I think that's all you can do. There isn't enough cotton wool in the world to protect them from everything. I will always be there though, kissing the grazed knees and mopping up the mess. It's what we do, isn't it?

Dawn - posted on 07/09/2009

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I also have a 17 year old son who doesn't like me anymore and the reason for that is he has been pushing the envelope and i have to stand my ground with him or things will get out of control very fast. He has a girlfriend who i think is all wrong for him and i am trying to show him that but he refuses to listen, when he is at home he lock himself in his room and refuses to communicate with any of his family members. They want to do adult things and are making some very poor choices and as a mother you have to show them the bigger picture, so that is the reason i think he doesn't like me anymore.

Stephanie - posted on 04/30/2009

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I know exactly what you are going through. My sons are 17 and 19. Just a couple months ago my 17 yr old and myself had it out, during the screaming match it came out that we both felt isolated from each other. I thought I was giving him space and he thought I was pulling away when he needed me. Every so often I tell him I love him and ask him if there's anything he needs to get off his chest. It seems to be enough for him to know that even though he's turning into an adult, I'm still there when he's not sure of what's going on.

Jeannie - posted on 04/28/2009

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Sweetheart, Im going through the same ordeal. Its hard! Times have changed, kinda worse now, but remember your still doing a great job, the kids are just leaving there little child behind to be a bigger child. Try taking a time out for you, I found it helps wonders, take a walk, a run, music helps, walk away then return on your terms. You get more with honey than vinegar (remember that in the conversation) be sincere, and listen, then make sure they hear you! Good luck.

Geane - posted on 04/27/2009

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Seventeen is a rough time for teenagers. With adulthood around the corner, they feel a rush to get there. It sounds like your son is struggling between being the son and becoming the man he wants to be. Just remember that he loves you and he's struggling with a few things that he has to find the answers to himself. That's the hardest part for Moms.

Alison - posted on 04/27/2009

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I have 3 sons aged 14, 18 and 19. Teenage boys go through phases....don't push him....he will get closer again in his own time. Sometimes a wee bit of space is the best thing. I'm close to all 3 of my sons but they go through stages of not wanting to know....all part of growing and finding themselves x

Robin - posted on 04/25/2009

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Looking back I didn't get better until I had a child. Then I fully understood with a few sleepless nights and the first cold just how much my mom and dad loved me and I started letting them know I appreciated all they gave me without thinking of themselves. I even became appologized and according to my mom stopped knowing it all and that made me somehow the smartest kid in thw world... I can only imagine thats how our children will come to understand us one day.

Amy - posted on 04/24/2009

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wow! sooo glad im not the only one! i have three kids... the oldest boy is 17, then another boy thats 15 and my daughter is 7. my boys are currently sharing a bedroom and im seriously considering turning our dining room into another bedroom. i was extremely moody as a teen so i can relate but man!!! i know to just walk away with his moods which change like this oklahoma wind... i can already see it coming with my daughter. yikes! my middle child.... i can reason with him easy. he tries to toe the line, but i can usually remind him who he is with just a look. i really hope 18 gets easier!

Robin - posted on 04/24/2009

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My 17 year old son has days when he is that sweet kid I've always known. He also has days when I think he'd like it if I were completely out of his life. I think its just his way of trying to grow up and learning to be more independent. Its as rough on him as it is on me. On those days when he is moody I give him space and remind myself I use to act like that too and this will pass. When he first started acting like this I use to try to "fix it" by trying to get him to talk to me and it only made it worse. I've learned if I let him go for a little while he's ready to calm down and talk sooner. AKA Return to being the sweet kid I gave birth too. Hope this helps!
Robin

Kim - posted on 04/24/2009

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I have alway's heard that they turn away from their parents when they are in their early teens and come back around somewhere in their twentys so who knows you are definitely not alone. With my 2 sons 18 and 19 we have our good days and our bad. But thinking back i didn't want much to do with my dad til i married then i felt i needed him even more but i married at 18. One thing i try and do though is watch for their moods if they are in a good mood then i find that they really open up to us but if they are in a bad mood there is no chance and i just avoid the confrontations lol I can't wait til we are really close again but the lines of communication are alway's open for them...

Naomi - posted on 04/14/2009

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not sure i can help but i do know how you feel my son is almost 17 and we bounce from each other argue fight its awful just dont seem to get along at all . I put it down to horemones !!! i love him to bits totally and he wont have a day away with us were a shan!!!!! hes going in the army in September and god ill really miss him just wish we could agree so you aint alone bet the is thousands more mums going threw the same as us we cant be the only 2!!!! just wish we could agree part of growing up i remember it well hope this makes you feel you aint alone

naomi xxx

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