Scared and needing strength

Jennifer - posted on 03/13/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Well, my husband of almost two years has decided that after a child that is 9 months old and a child on the way, he is not ready to be a daddy or a husband. He has 3 kids by two different mommies before me. It hurts, because he is the one person that was never suppose to leave or never hurt me and keep his promises to me at any and all costs. It hurts more now, because I know our boys will be affected by this once they get older. The unborn child will barely even know him and the 9 month old just sees the back of him every time he leaves. I feel so bad for him, but am thankful he is so young that HOPEFULLY he won't know the difference. It just hurts so bad, because I exhausted myself literally trying to make it work. We were separated once before because he would not try. Now, I gave him the option after trying to work it out by separation and counseling or a divorce, he chose divorce. He is having me file because he has no time. He is a disabled Army vet from the Iraq war, and has many issues. I have had to really grow up and mature so I can raise our son, and our child on the way. Both his ex wife and family have pretty much made me the "black sheep" of the family since day one. His ex wife even said recently that she was proud of him for going to school full time and working full time to get away from me. Yet, I am a pre law major and would advocate for her as much as him. I even took care of her girls when she abused them. I have always been there for him and his kids, and now he wants his freedom leaving me to care for the two we are having together. Only now it won't be together. He has agreed to alimony and child support, but when they get older they are going to have questions. I hate that this is happening to me. I won't be able to move on for a while, mainly because of being a full time stay at home mom and a full time student...but more importantly because I don't want to confuse our boys. That and the pain is too great to even try to have someone else. I don't know if I can trust anyone else right now....anyone else have advice or know of something to help me get through this besides prayer and all that. I pray everyday and am very religious. Please any advice would be wonderful!!!

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Wintress - posted on 04/01/2010

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First of all if you are carrying, you must try and stay calm and composed at all costs. Children are very susceptible to the environment around them, especially babies. If you are stressed, they will pick up on that energy and knowing something is wrong. And sometimes, they are fussy and crying because they can sense that something is wrong with mommy. As far as good old hubby goes, LET HIM GO!. I am currently married to a Marine and Iraqi Vet (or he will be when he get out of the corp) and some of them are they same. The military teaches them how to have their boys' backs, but they don't teach them how to be fathers or husbands. My situation is very bad, except my husband is the coward and won't leave, he is waiting for me to go on my own. And I am. He has no time for me or the boys, I look forward to the time that he is not home, so why stay married. My motivation is this: If I stay, he is teaching my boys how to treat women. What could I possibly say to my son' wife if she calls me saying that David won't help her with the kids or the house if I put up with that behavior from his father. We teach our kids what is acceptable and what is not acceptable even when we are not talking verbally, it is in what we do. You are a strong, intelligent, loving mother and woman, you will be fine. You have the strength inside you to be a great mother and offset what he does. You do not have to answer to your boys for their fathers behavior. One day they will be able to see in his actions, the reasoning behind your decisions and they will love you just the same. We always say that we have to do what is best for our kids, but we as women deserve happiness too. What may be good for our kids is not always good for us and in the long-term can actually hurt our children. You do what you feel you need to to take care of you first. Because if you are not being taken care of, you can't take care of your kids. I do not know if you believe in God, but if you do, you should talk to him and ask him for strength and guidance. You will be okay and one day you will look back and it will be only a memory. I hope this helps.

Mindy - posted on 03/19/2010

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I have a two year old and a five year old. My husband told me in January that he doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce. We have been together for 10 years and married almost 9, so it was a huge shock when he dropped this all on me. I had always been extremely close with his family and am now feeling like the black sheep as well. I struggle with wanting to tell his family all the things he has said about them over the years, but at the end of the day, I know it is his family and I cannot do that. I know that God wouldn't want me to. I have learned to lean on God more, sometimes WHen I don't even know what to pray, I just say" God you know my heart, I don't know what to pray, but you know what I need." I have been leaning on my friends and family so much through all this.WHen I want to cry, I call someone, then I am not crying alone. THe most important things I have done for myself is to talk to people and to do things for myself. I tend to think that all my free time when I am not working should be spent with the kids. BUt I was forgetting about me. I am starting my life over at 30. I can either dwell on it or I can rediscover who I am. SO for a couple hours every week I spend some time with just me. Doing things I enjoy, whether it is reading a book, or window shopping, Going to get my hair done, or going to the spa with a friend. It depends on my budget for a week but that time alone is important to get to know myself more. And even though it has only been about 3 months since I learned my husband wanted a divorce, I am starting to feel better just in the last couple of weeks. SOmetimes I still feel so alone and afraid and confused, but thats when I call my friends and family cause it helps to share my feelings. Also, what has helped me and I know we have all heard it before, exercise. AND I absolutely despise exercise. But there is sometime to getting up in the morning and putting on a dance video or going for a morning walk that makes you feel better through out the day. I didn't believe it till I tried it.



And when I get to feeling so low that I don't know what to do I turn to Jeremiah 29:11. It gets me through the toughest days. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord; Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I have taken that as God's personal promise to me. God doesn't want me to have to go through this. ANd he doesn't want for you to have to either. BUT he knows what is in store for you. He has BIG plans to give you a hope and a future. Isn't that cool? Now, all we have to do is be patient cause it is God's time and not ours. Be strong for your babies, but remember that you need that time when they aren't around to breakdown.



I don't know if any of my rambling has helped you because I am still new in this whole divorce thing. I am still hurting and feeling broken. I am still feeling alone and scared. But slowly I am starting to feel happy some days. I am starting to feel better and better every day. So Anyways, I hope sometime here helped you out.

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Jennifer - posted on 03/20/2010

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Thank you so much. I did turn it over to God, and well God brought him back to me. We are working things out and he does not want to be apart from me. He found himself while he thought he wanted someone else, so I was fortunate that God helped me keep him.

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