older kids with dead beat dad

Brandy - posted on 01/06/2010

My daughters are11, 6 and 5. We left their father in June of 08 when he totally lost it and threatened to kill all of us. I felt bad so I told them he could have supervised visits (he showed up once) they haven't seen him since Aug of 08. They are all in counciling now and it helps but some questions are hard to answer. He was a stay at home dad. They ask why he doesn't love them anymore and if he'll get better someday. My 6 yr old aske if he would get a lump of coal for Christmas. We talk about the " good times", look at pictures and are still close to his family and those things help too.

I tell them that I love them everyday and that I hope someday he will "get better". I know that some days they don't like him but they still love him and try hard not to say anything negative about him in front of them.

Just take it one day at a time.

Patricia - posted on 04/14/2009

I have two boys (7 & 11.5) they would visit their father, then he moved to California. So on top of him NOT paying C/S he doesnt visit or call (which he never called even when he was here) But to the point. I have had my boys in counceling for 3 years now. They like it and I love it. It doesnt fix the "issues" that they are going through but it softens the blows. Also I am getting advice on how to handle certain situations with the best results.

I also talk about every single "good time" I had with their father. (even if my oldest , who dispises him, gets annoyed with my stories.) But I know in the long run it makes them feel like they can have something of their "deadbeat dad" that is positive.

Janet - posted on 04/01/2009

I wish I knew the answer to these questions.   My XH had a mid life crisis, had an affair with a coworker and left our family the day after our son graduated from high school.   We had been married for 27 years!   Since that time (4 years ago) he has barely seen or spoken with our kids (D24 and S22).   He secretly married the OW right after our divorce.   I learned about it 5 months later when I overheard the town gossips cackling about them in a restaurant.   Needless to say, I was horrified when I realized that he had not told our kids.   I contacted him and told him how I found out and that he needed to tell our kids in person without delay.   It took him another month to get up the courage to tell our daughter and he never told our son.   I had to do the honors before he found out the way I did. 

What causes men to just FORGET about their kids like this?!?!?   XH not only dropped me and our kids, he also dropped all our old friends completely.    Then when he runs into them the pretends like we are still married!   What is up with THAT?!?!?  

My daughter is currently in therapy and on Prozac to help deal with her Dad's infidelity, lies, and sudden disappearance from her life.    My son seems to be doing a little better, but I wonder if this will come up at a later date for him.    I pray for my children every day that their lives will not be forever shattered by their Dad's selfish choices. 

Janet - posted on 04/01/2009

I wish I knew the answer to these questions.   My XH had a mid life crisis, had an affair with a coworker and left our family the day after our son graduated from high school.   We had been married for 27 years!   Since that time (4 years ago) he has barely seen or spoken with our kids (D24 and S22).   He secretly married the OW right after our divorce.   I learned about it 5 months later when I overheard the town gossips cackling about them in a restaurant.   Needless to say, I was horrified when I realized that he had not told our kids.   I contacted him and told him how I found out and that he needed to tell our kids in person without delay.   It took him another month to get up the courage to tell our daughter and he never told our son.   I had to do the honors before he found out the way I did. 

What causes men to just FORGET about their kids like this?!?!?   XH not only dropped me and our kids, he also dropped all our old friends completely.    Then when he runs into them the pretends like we are still married!   What is up with THAT?!?!?  

My daughter is currently in therapy and on Prozac to help deal with her Dad's infidelity, lies, and sudden disappearance from her life.    My son seems to be doing a little better, but I wonder if this will come up at a later date for him.    I pray for my children every day that their lives will not be forever shattered by their Dad's selfish choices. 

Patricia - posted on 03/13/2009

Yes, I share your pain. My son is 11 and has not seen his father since he was 2. The subjest of his father is a very touchy one. Let your daughter express her feelings, even if they are negative, but be very careful about what you say b/c even agreeing that yes, he stinks can backfire. Just let her know that it's ok to love/hate the same person and that your love and support her.

Rachael - posted on 02/11/2009

I totally know where you're coming from. I dread the day Tori's bio-father decides he wants to see her. I know someday it will probably happen. I wanted to let her know about him just in case. I myself grew up without my father and my mom always let me know who he was. Sure enough I was 15 and he said he wanted to meet me. She left the decision up to me. I always thought she did the right thing and that is what I'm doing with my daughter. The only difference is she never hid from me what a drunken loser my father was. I on the other hand do everything in my power to bite my tounge. I don't know if it really makes a difference but i guess I've watched too much Dr.Phill and Oprah...LOL.. I truly did think he would come around before now. I thought he just needed time to grow up some. We were young. I was wrong. He is from another province but come's to mine to work. Only in the next town, about 5-10 minutes away from where I live and work. We have actually met up with him in a couple of stores a few times. He walked by us like he had never met us. He is so lucky she didn't recignize him from the pictures she had seen. I would have been fit to be tied even more than I already was. I had to keep my cool for my daughters sake so she wouldn't know. I'v sent him and his family pictures (they are no better than he is) now and then, just so they could see what they are missing out on. I've heard stories that he has told people that I wouldn't let him see her. Anyone who knows me knows better. He doesn't realize just how many people I know that he knows. I was also told that when she was a baby the way he went on you'd think he was father of the year. Told people he sent me money and a car seat. Funny must have gotten lost in the mail. I didn't get anything.
Anyway, When she was four I finally got him in one place long enough to get him to court. Since he moves around so much this was very hard to do. For the last four years he has been paying child support once a month. (didley squat, And still never made any effort to see her) Then in December the month a person usually needs it most. There was no payment and still hasn't been since Nov. I called Maintanance Enforcement and they can't do anything about it unless I find out his address witch is currently in NFLD, but I don't know the exact address witch i need. Then they have to send the papers over there for them to enforce them. What a crock. I mean he never paid much but I'm realizing now how much I'm missing it. I also think the child guide lines table is a crock too. The it must have been a person paying child support that made them up. I think a person who pays child support should at least have to pay for child care while the other person is working their butt off to do the rest like put food on the table, clothes on their back, keep a roof over their heads plus all the little extras like lunches for school and activities like sports or brownies ect....When I took him to court my daughter was young and not in any activities yet or school and my grandmother was babysitting for me. So I didn't get any extra. When she got older and was in day care I called to find out about taking him back to court and they told me to find out about getting subsidised it would be easier. I mean it is a big help but you still end up paying out the hole. And even then he wasn't paying enough to pay for my parent fees for the month.
Anyways, sorry for writing so much but I feel a little better now that I have vented. Thanks for listening (reading).

Celina - posted on 02/11/2009

My daughter is 12 and has never met her Bio-Dad, not that she remembers anyways as she was much too young.  He has never shown an interest and has dodged his child support all of these years up until 3 years ago when the support office (FRO) caught up with him & took him to court with the option of making a payment plan or jail.  At which time he filed papers to have his arrears lowered & dragged me into court requesting a DNA test!  Our daughter was 9 years old!!  The judge did not order a DNA test as bio-Dad did not want to pay for it.  Mind you there is no chance she isn't his, believe me, if I could have her be anyones but his, I would.  Anyhow, that drama had ended, and he went off the radar again for a few years until he found Facebook.  He has recently contacted me saying he wants to see her.  No reasons for a change of heart, no explanation, etc.  I spoke with my 12 year old and she was willing to meet him, if purely for curiosities sake, but only if me & her Dad (my husband who has raised her for the last 10 years) would be there with her.  He will not agree to her terms.  So she wrote him a very to the point yet respectful letter, to which he has yet to respond to, and likely will not.  He wouldn't even give his own address for the letter.   I am just waiting for the 'next episode' so to speak.  How these men can pop in and out of someone's precious, brittle life without a care in the world is beyond me.  I hope the next time he gets a brief moment of guilt or conscience he waits a whole five minutes for it to pass before acting on it.  She was willing to meet him, and for what?  To be denied that meeting by jerk who asked for it.  Unbelievable!!

Believe me, I feel your pain.

Rachael - posted on 02/09/2009

Hi, My daughter will be nine in May and the last time she saw her father she was 15 months old. She knows of him and has seen pictures but doesn't understand why he's not around, why he hasn't seen her as a big girl. It's tough. But you're sure not alone.