1 year after baby I think were done

Roxanna - posted on 08/19/2012

Hillary, I am so sorry for you both to be going thru this! Here is my disclaimer, before I continue. I am upfront, brutally honest and have a bit of a mean streak. Here goes!

First things first, YOU cannot make anyone happy, they need to do that on your own. You are no responsible for his feelings, he chooses to feel this way. I had to read this a few times and make notes, so I could perhaps help you out. To begin with, he does feel emasculated because YOU are the breadwinner. He probably is more inmature than you let on and with him not providing as much if not more than you, he probably feels less of a man. This is NOT your fault. And that fact that he allows his friends to take precedence over you and your son is absurd! Take notes girl, so you can bring this up at counseling!

Second thing...How do you REALLY talk to him? Really think about this for a minute, tone is everything. Do you truly embarrass him in public or does he behave like a boor and you discreetly call it to his attention? Work out signals you both can use in public to let each other know little things like; I'm tired, let's go...or...I don't like how you are behaving right now, it is making me uncomfortable...

Social life...really? Where is YOUR social life? From newborn until about 6 years old, you really don't have a social life when a child comes into your life! What kind of friends does he have that they can hang out at all hours of the night? He'll change everything except his social life? Looks like you should make the decision for him and choose YOUR life. I can see him hanging out with his friends...after he has taken care of his responsibilities at home.

He belittles you to make himself feel better about himself. Typical bully/abuser behavior. Cleaning house is not one of my strengths, I was very upfront with my second husband about that. I will wash dishes, occassionally sweep and mop, maybe even clean counters. I'm lazy, but then I have those manic moments where I have to clean and the house is spotless! But my husband is just as lazy, but he will get up, when I ask him for help, and do somethings around the house. There is no excuse to not help around the house.

Who watches your boy during the week? Think about daycare, it could help you tax wise at the end of the year.

Hygiene.....ugh! I currently have that problem with mine and I am working on him. He has dirty clothes lying around, put them somewhere where the baby won't get into and won't stink up your room or bathroom. Let him wash his OWN clothes. He comes to bed stinky, kick him out of bed. You are both planning on going out, and his clothes are dirty, ask him to change. If he chooses not to, you need to decide if you are going to be seen in public with a dirty, unkempt man. It took my husband a few years to realize "Is that what you are going to wear?" meant, I don't like your outfit, please change. I like to groom my husband. Make a game of it, with sex, ofcourse as the reward! When he sees how much attention YOU are giving him to look good, he could very well likely do the same for you!

Change...are you WILLING to make some changes? We all have to evolve at some point in our lives. For example, I was a size 6 when hubby and I got together, 7 years later I am pushing size 14 due to health problems and side effects of the meds. My hubby is a BIG, BIG boy and he too has put on wieght. To the point where I cannot find clothes we can afford for him. He makes an effort to change his diet for a few days and then goes back to his bad habits. Since I do the food shopping, he doesn't get junk food, he needs to get it on his own. I, in the meantime, have been working out three times a week, changed my diet by eating 5 small meals a day, cut way down on smoking and only have an occassional drink. I also have PTSD, OCD and Bipolarity. I was driving him and my kids crazy with my rages. In one of our arguments, he basically told me to get help, he would work with me, but I needed help and our marriage will not survive. It was a hard kick in the butt! I have been in thereapy and medication for sometime now and I realize that what I have now is normal, not the life I had before.

Religion, that's a tough one. What is he? Regardless, most people have no respect for other peoples faith. I was raised Catholic, as was my husband. I choose to go to a Christian church, when I go. Occassionally, I will go to a friends church, Methodist, Episcopalian. But I won't go to a Jehovah's witness meeting, just not my bag. My relationship with my God is personal, I don't need to go to church to speak with him, nor do I try to influence my beliefs on others. and it really chafes me when people get pushy about that! Argh! My grandma was a JH, my nieghbors from acroos the way when I was growing up were Jewish and I became fascinated with the religion and the culture, I learned all I could. I had friends growing up that were Muslims, I learned from them too. I even have friends that are Mormon! Learned from that too! But he needs to respect YOU!

His friends say this, his friends say that....here is what I did to my first husband, Very similiar to your case, as far as hanging out with his friends, ignoring our baby, belittleing me. He complained to my parents about everything I did, or didn't do. With held sex if I didn't "behave" and tried to emotionally destroy me. He is panamanian black and puerto rican, hung out with African Americans, which no biggies for me, I look white, but am Biracial. We all got along great & then he got a new crop of friends that were very old school central and south american. Hmmmm..you see where this is going? Briefly, my parents flew me and the baby out to my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary in another country, I left food in the freezer for the first ten days I would be gone and then he was on his own, AND cleaned house from top to bottom. A week into my trip, he calls to tell me I need not come back to CA because his friends don't like me and he could do better! Sound familiar? I told him, if he isn't at the airport to pick me and his daughter up at the airport, I would make his life a living hell. He's Military. He was at the airport, waiting. In the car, after the baby fell asleep, I calmly told him that I was not going to leave him, he will have to leave me. I told him that if his friends are so important to him then they can wash & iron his uniforms and provide him with dinner and companionship. Since I did not work, I had to make do with $100.00 a month he would give me and I had to show him receipts of what I spent! I told him I was going to get a job and childcare because I was not going to be beholden to him anymore. Sex, well, he could forget about that, but if I caught him with another woman, his career was over... It took him only a week to meet my terms. Unfortunately, things didn't work out and 4 years later we divorced.

But he got the point, if not for a little while.

Babe, Open your eyes to this reality...can you see yourself being miserable for the rest of your life WITH him? Love doesn't mean you can be disrespected and not appreciated. You are too young to put up with that type of BS.