Husband don't help with kids or even spend time with them

Vicki - posted on 08/29/2012

I understand where your coming from Angela, I have been married to my husband for 15 years together for 18. When our kids were small i did ALL the work. All he did was go to work and then come home and relax while i still ran around like a chicken with its head cut off until 10pm not much time for resting then we were off to bed where apparently i was to perform my wifely duties! Many times i would tell him that i need help and that i needed for him to spend time with the kids and me, and i would hear him say we need the money. He worked very hard lots of hours as we were a one income family and behind alot in our rent and other bills. Because of this i would ignore my feelings and kept telling myself its ok we need the money. Years went by and the kids were getting older and not home much but yet his hours didnt change nor did his reasons for not being there! It got to the point that the kids thought i was the bad guy and he the cool dad the understanding one the fair one! I ended up going to councelling due to my unhappiness it was through councelling that i began understanding that i had low self worth and no boundaries!

I began to believe that i deserved happiness i also started setting up boundaries. I began to understand that due to my low self worth i made a life very comfy for my husband after time it no longer worked for me so i began demanding that he step it up and participate it definately created waves in his calm water! I also let go of the fear that i was hoding onto that was telling me if i speak up he will leave or i will create problems! Not speaking up was causing me problems! I have learned that there has to be comprimise both people need to feel happy and comfortable not just one. The relationship needs to serve both people. I believeif things are ment to be it will be. If its ment to fall aprt it will regardless of weather a person speaks up and stands her ground or not!

Amy - posted on 05/29/2012

I empathise with you....I totally understand how you feel because my husband is pretty much the same...maybe a litle bit better than your husband. (he seldomly spent quality time with the kids & me...to him brining home income & coming home everyday & maybe spend 10-15min everyday & maybe 1/2 hr on his days off is spending time with the kids already, and occasionally go out on an outing that last couple hours & he is already doing his job as a dad)
Have you guys talked about it? What is his response when you guys talk about this issue?
In my case...he really believes he is doing good already...just not up to my standards. (but I think that has something to do with his childhood, all throughout his childhood & even in his teens. His dad was a naval office who was deployed at sea for months at a time, he really just did not have a father figure in his life...thus he doesn't know how to be a husband & father)
If you haven't spoken with him...I suggest you do! And maybe even seek out counceling.

And why are you doing the driving when he is around? Whenever I'm out with my husband he does majority of the driving.

BTW...my husband & I are separating soon. He refuse to go counceling & he said he is unable & unwilling to make changes, (and I realize no matter how much I love him, how much effort I put into our marriage & family...if he doesn't put any efforts..things are not going to change.. this is not the type of marriage & family I want & I don't want an absent husband & absent father for my kids)

Good Luck to you!!