support group for moms staying with husband for sake of kids?

Sarah Vander - posted on 02/06/2012 ( 18 moms have responded )

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Does anyone know of an online support group for moms who are staying with their husbands for the sake of the kids. I'm looking for some conversation with women in a similar position...(it'd be nice to know I'm not the only one out there!)

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Laura - posted on 03/01/2012

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You are defiantly not the only one I've been there for a year now, it's hard I know. But don't just think about the kids because if the kids are in a bad environment because you and your husband argue or something because your only staying because of the kids that can affect the children in the wrong way. Mommy has to be happy to because kids observe all, and if things are always like that the children will think its normal.



But you are defiantly not alone I know plenty of women who don't want their kids to suffer just because the relationship isn't working out, just remember you ARE important, almost the most important because without you where would your children be

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Adriana - posted on 09/01/2014

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Hi I am in the same situation. Maybe we can chat, and come up with some ideas?

My name is Adriana. Hope to meet you.

Lisa - posted on 07/16/2014

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so glad I found this, I cant believe I am in this position at this time of my life. I thought I had it all. not to say all was perfect but perfect for me and us.i was so busy with kids, friends and family for years. now. ...he took away my friends, his manipulation that I didn't see was turning my 2 older girls against me. I opened my eyes and finally saw that he slowly pushed everyone away from me. I opened my eyes and see that he is drinking more then I thought...ALOT MORE THEN I THOUGHT. every night he drinks, he tells me how I think I am god's gift to the world and that every thing is my fault and everyone knows I am an alcoholic and I make him drink. he talks nasty to me till he finally passes out and in the morning calls me like nothing happened. he doesn't remember anything. then if something that he broke the night before he blames me. I have 2 young boys. NO THIS IS NOT THE ENVIORMENT I want for them but they are kids and don't know how life would be with no money, medical insurance and etc. I have to protect them and working part time. so I am home for them is all I can do for them. I am the lonely person on the planet

Zara - posted on 04/25/2014

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I really need that too. I hate my marriage. My husband doesn't love me and just treats me like a big annoyance in his life. He has depression and a lot of self esteem issues due to his self perceived failures in life and hates his work and blames me for everything. He won't put any effort into us having a functional marriage. He expects me to constantly tell him everything he does is perfect and wonderful when he's irresponsible and doesn't do anything around our place. We live on a farm and the place is falling apart because all he does is sleep and play on the computer on his day off. If I say, hey our son had a busy day with school and sports and little kids need to go to bed early, so please make sure he's in bed at x time, he gets mad and says I'm telling him he's doing everything wrong. If I say, the horses really need to be fed before dark (we don't have a lighted barn), same thing, gets mad at me. i still love him, because I'm stupid, but coming home from work, happy to be home and see him and then to be treated like dirt is heart breaking. How he treats me depends on how his day has gone. If he has a bad day at work, he comes home hating me too. If he has a good day with friends, he comes home liking me. It sucks. I'm staying in my marriage for financial reasons. My son is my life and staying married, I can work part-time and be home with my son most of the time. If I got divorced, I'd have to work full time and have joint custody and wouldn't see my son as much. So I'm trying to just stay strong and not let my husband affect how I feel about myself.

Ames - posted on 04/07/2014

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I would love to have the same! You are not alone. I would love to have someone to talk to.

Lebanksie - posted on 04/03/2014

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is there a way to start a thread on this? i need help. my husband is irrational and i feel so unloved. and afraid of having to change my living situation. i dont want to divorce. i really dont. but i dont love him anymore. i dont know if i am fully done or just need to fix all the wrongs and perhaps rekindle something? i am terrified of having to raise my 2 boys alone. and have to change all my life choices and moving and ... ugh. i am not sure if this is even an active thread anymore? maybe once i join the online community i will see similar posts. i have never joined an online group before and i am excited to know that there is possibly someone out there that would even want to listen to my blabber. or maybe not! ha. also i would love to repay the favor by having the opportunity to offer some support myself.

Roxanna - posted on 08/19/2012

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Jessie, I won't be polite; GET OUT!!! It starts small, a comment here, a jab there..you've had pee thrown at you!? If you go to church, get help from your pastor, join a mommy group, get a job, go to school but most of all GET OUT!!!! Nothing will change an abusive man! My youngest Dad was a complete Sociopath, I was just blind for 18 months. He even claimed that he didn't remember beating me then raping me! When I finally had enough, I had an album full of pictures and copies of all the reports. He even had the nerve to press charges on me because I had to stab him because he was choking me! Eight years later and one new husband, he still tries to pull his cr&p with me and my husband (Law Enforcement) has put him in his place many a time. He finally got the hint.
Babe, do you want to be a statistic or a survivor?

Hillary - posted on 08/13/2012

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Hi,

I am new to this group and am having some marriage problems of my own, but I just want to share my own experience with you. My parents stayed together for the sake of the kids when I was younger, it got so bad that the three of us had an intervention with my mother and said "Please get a divorce, this is rediculous, it isn't a marriage." My parents werent hostile to each other, they just didn't speak to each other. My father slept on the couch for 15 years. Now my mother is happily re-married and I have to say I am glad my parents aren't together anymore. It really hurt us as their children for them to stay together like that, and to be honest I think it warped my view of marriage a bit too...

Just from experience.

Nova - posted on 06/25/2012

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Hi Sarah,

I am in exactly the same situation as you and have been looking for a support group, too. Probably we can start one because some days I wish I could at least share my feelings with someone who can relate to it.

Thanks for writing this post. Please email me at nova15@mail.com

Regards,
Nova (not my real name)...

Anne - posted on 06/21/2012

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I dont have a support group to recommend but i will suggest you read ''fascinating womanhood''...a book well designed for women with marital problems and those without.You myt realise you have been the problem all along.It changed my marriage for the better.All the best Sarah

Melissa - posted on 06/05/2012

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I've been doing this for a year now myself. My husband had a one night stand while deployed to Iraq a couple years back. Both he and the woman were irresponsible and she got pregnant. I chose to stay in my 8 year marriage for now at least because of my girls. We are like roommates with our own rooms. It is very difficult for me most days because I miss my old life. I love him still and he is a good father, helps me a lot, and is a good provider, but we are both financially strapped partly due to him now paying child support to this child. We have a small child ourselves and I feel for now, this situation is working. My oldest daughter would suffer emotionally more so if we separarted. We don't argue in front of her. She has sensed my sadness over the year though. I am not sure I can continue with this new/different arrangement. Good to see this question and know I am not alone in this!

Cynthia - posted on 03/27/2012

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Yeah i was like that at first but after 3 domestics and 1 attended strangulation...and injury to a child! i realized not even for my sons sake should i stay with my husband. He was abusive..a drunk...called me names..possesive..and all that made me the misrable person i am today! i cant get over it i find it so hard to forgive. If u are not happy and you see that you are different when he is around then when your with family or friends maybe take a break. From my experiance it made my marriage worse. We live together but sleep in different rooms hardly talk and when we do we argue. Not healthy for you or your children. Tried the hole counciling thing and he did angermanagement but some people will never change! Sorry for the long post just wanted to share my experiance. Good luck to you though. :)

Amy - posted on 03/21/2012

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To Sarah,

I've been there for a couple year (feeling like we are just roomates) but difference is my husband is never around for me & our kids, but about a year & half ago I found out my husband been having an affair for 1/2 year & he currently still keeps in touch with that women although she is not physically in CA anymore & he has befriended couple "Female Friends" I tried & tried to keep the marriage & our family together....but I'm finally getting out!! But your situation doesn't sound bad. Maybe it will help if you guys get some marriage couseling or even read some books about saving marriages. Maybe you guys just not communicating to each other's "Love Language" check out http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessment...

Good luck to you!!



To Jessie,

This is not a healthy environment for you & for your kids!! You are not doing your kids any favor by staying with him!! No matter how well he treats his kids!! Kids learn about love, trust, life from their parents, the way their parents treat them & the way they treat each other!! You should get out of that marriage. He is ABUSIVE(eventhough he is not beating you up physically, but all the behaviors & the threats about taking the kids from you that is consider adbuse) You should look into getting some domestic violence group for help, they can help you in many many way, physically, mentally, financially & with legal issues. My sister had worked for a domestic viloence group before, if your environment is hostle, they would even have police escort with them to remove you & the kids from the home & get restraining order, they can arrange for places for you to stay, they have lawyers that can help you & many many other resources. Good Luck!!

Sarah Vander - posted on 03/20/2012

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Oh Jessie, I feel for you. I usually don't believe in giving people "advice" because: (1) I usually don't fully know their situation; and; (2) what the hell do I know anyway?



That being said, your husband seems much different from mine. Similar to your friends, my husband would NEVER do and say the things that you've described. The things that you have described are abusive, plain and simple.



I'm not going to say "you should get a divorce". I don't know enough about your circumstances. However, I urge you to consult some experts to advise you about whether this would be a good idea. For instance, a lawyer can give you information about custody and financial issues, and a psychologist can give you valuable information about the pros and cons of leaving the marriage vis a vis the children's best interests.



Take good care sister.

Jessie - posted on 03/20/2012

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Sorry, I didn't respond to your question at all. I should have created my own post but I figured I could be a part of the conversation. I wish you the best!

Jessie - posted on 03/20/2012

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I saw your comment and was drawn to it. That's exactly the way I think -I'm staying with him for the sake of the kids. My issue may be a little different though. We have been married for 10 years now and have 2 kids -a boy who's 4 and a girl who's 5 and a half. He has been better lately, but I have had him tell me that I'm stupid and I'm a bad mom. He once threw a diaper full of pee (which exploded on my leg and all over the stairs) at me because my son had a diaper rash and he thought it was my fault. He dumped orange juice over my head and into my eyes because I wouldn't fill his sports bottle up with "the good orange juice," and on my son's second birthday he smashed cake all over my shirt because I was arguing with him about changing the cake I had worked so hard to make. I blamed those things on being stressed financially and with his career and him not being used to having two small children. When we used to argue and I would bring up divorce he told me he would take my kids away back to South America and hide them there. I have never thought to write others about this, but I have talked to my friends and family who know both of us. He's not a horrible person and he loves his kids dearly. They adore him too. I'm not a helpless little woman. I have a good education and I also have a full time job. I feel like sometimes things sound worse than they are...but my friends have told me their husbands would never have behaviors like those listed above. I really feel stuck. After we short sold our house and moved things have been better, but I don't feel like I love him anymore and it's very hard to be affectionate with him. This puts him in a bad mood and the cycle continues. Not every day is bad because we just have to go on with life and it is what it is and we share the joy of our children. But I do worry that they see him treat me a certain way and they will think that is appropriate when it's not. I could go on forever. I'm very conflicted with this -never pictured getting a divorce and I know my husband would likely take it very badly and it would not be amicable. I need lots of advice!!

Laura - posted on 03/01/2012

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Well as long as its working for you both that's what matters, and it's okay for the mind to wander and wonder what if. Just means your curious and still alive! Hope you all the best with everything in your future

Sarah Vander - posted on 03/01/2012

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thanks Laura. It's not that my marriage is BAD. We aren't hostile to one another or anything...we're just pretty much roomates and co-parents. Life could be so much worse and he's an amazing father, so I'm going to put my own desire for romance etc on the backburner. Most days are just fine but every once and awhile I wish for more...

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