Stating the obvious

Molly - posted on 03/28/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Hello, thank you for visiting this community- all are welcome. I was shocked to find there were no groups for this type of support, considering it is a HUGE need for new mommies- their mothers!

My mother was wonderful in every way, and I really feel shorted and that my son is shorted for not getting to know his Grandmother! She died of cancer. My ultimate sadness with her death and my being pregnant was that I would be at the hospital and no one would say, "give me that baby" and I'd have to ASK for him/her back! You know, that just, maternal pride that you could share- really share with another person.

I'm seeking solace in hearing other stories of women loving and missing their mothers. Not to mention how this changes your lives, both for the better and worse.

Kids/Grandparent stories VERY welcome!!!

Thanks for hanging out and spending time with me!

Molly

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12 Comments

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Michelle - posted on 10/05/2010

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Hello Molly,
I just finished reading your Mom's story. It was a beautiful story. It brought tears to my eyes very quickly. She sounds like she was an amazing woman! Thank you for starting this group. I will post my Mom's story too.

[deleted account]

My husband and i were trying for a baby with no luck. My mother died unexpectantly and six weeks later i found out i was pregnant i concieved the day she died. I wonder if perhaps my son was her parting gift to me.

[deleted account]

Hello Molly!

Thank you for starting this group. I just found this Circle of Moms and didn't see a group like this so I was going to start one of my own. Then I did a quick search and found yours.

I want to take the time soon to read through everybody's posts. Just glancing through them now makes me cry. I lost my mom suddenly almost five years ago, and although I am a happy person with a blessed life, it is amazing how raw and overwhelming that pain still can be at times.

I find some comfort in seeing people who can understand (although I hate that anybody else has to feel this way too). My mom was my best friend and she never got to meet my two kids and sometimes I feel so alone in this life situation that it will be good to read your stories to know that I am not.

So thank you to Molly and the rest of you who have shared your stories. I hope to read them soon.

Blessings,
Jessie

Greer - posted on 04/30/2009

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mothers day is coming up, oh i am dredding not having her here to share it with, it's so unfair, who knew that at her 40th b-day surprise party she'de only be with us another 10 years oh yeah her birthday is coming up too

Molly - posted on 04/23/2009

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In a way, the divorce was a blessing for her too then? odd how things happen!

Greer - posted on 04/22/2009

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my mum was exactly the same as yours isn't it funny how after 25 years people live strong together the rest of there lives or they separate wanting more then they were given, mum and dad separated after 27 years of marrage and she was a new person she lived every day like it was her last from then on and continued to do so after after her diagnosis 2 1/2 years later and did so until she couldn't

Greer - posted on 04/22/2009

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my babies got my mums toe nails poor thing, I know she is looking out for her, i beleive that mum was the one that made me test positive for strep b so that she could be looked after the first few days while she was on antibiotics and i would have people i wanted to ask questions to ( the mid wives) i tell everyone i didn't want any visitors to the hospital because the emotions were going to be too high. you know you will never forget your mothers touch, before my baby was allowed out of the nicu i was resting on my bed, my mum use to love holding our hands, and i felt her holding mine.

Molly - posted on 04/21/2009

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Amber, what a struggle. I thought it was so horrible to lose my mother before my baby was born, and the loss of his grandmother he'll never really know... but had he been older, like your daughter, his loss would be just as great. I dont know that I would have been able to comfort him, as i didnt' know how to comfort myself. I have absolutely no idea how to comfort a child with the death of a grandparent. However, my sister's husband's grandma died, and they had a couple books on death for children.

What actually helped me was time and a Chicken Soup for the Griever's Soul book. I'm not big into chicken soup books, but this book was just what I needed. Other books seem to be more like manuals, and this one had happy stories, sad stories and everything in between. I'm not saying you wont cry- I cried at almost every one. But it might be something nice for you and your daughter to do together :) I agree, the emptiness and longing and feeling so alone are the trifecta that ensure misery for a good deal of time.

Greer, I felt that exact way starting this group. It's sad that there has to be one. But it's nice to take comfort in the fact that you're not the only one who has gone through something horrible and that people can survive it still standing...

My mom died in August of 2007. I'll tell my mommy story...

My husband and I met in January of 06, started dating after Valentine's Day, got engaged April 20 and were married by November of 06. Everyone said it was quick. No one really believed in us, except my mom(even though she was going through a divorce herself), and my brother who married us. Everyone said we were rushing and there was plenty of time. I had an urgency in me. We both wanted to get married sooner rather than later. Originally we were going to get married in November of 07, but we decided very last minute (6 weeks before the actual date) to get married that year, instead of the following.

My mother had been feeling sick all of that year. It seemed like a cold that wouldn't go away. She and my father had recently gotten divorced after 25 years (my father served her the papers at work, out of the blue, on her birthday- asshole *please excuse my potty mouth*). She started losing weight and everyone was happy for her because she was overweight. Then she met a man and they fell in love. A great love. Romantic, silly, happy, googly-eyed love. He was considerate and fun and liked to do things. My mom was so happy. I had to make an appointment to see her she was so busy with him and doing things with their friends. She lost more weight. Everyone said it was because she was so happy.

February, 2007 my mom goes to Texas with her Special Friend. Comes back, can hardly breathe. Goes to hospital, water/liquid in her lungs. She gets treated, is in the hospital for a few days, and then released with frequent doctor visits after that. She starts to feel better. A couple months later she cant eat anything- she throws up if she eats. She's feeling weak, lightheaded, etc. She goes back to the hospital. They transfer her to a oncology hospital nearby, stays 5 weeks total in the hospital, comes home for the last three weeks. I was at the hospital every day. i helped her with her morning baths, washed her hair, did her hair every day (it was really long), sometimes stayed overnight and just hung out. She had more people come to see her that I think I know. Everyone loved her- she was just one of those people that everyone loved and admired.

Even when we found out she had "months to live" which actually turned into 47 days from diagnosis she was the most calm creature I have ever seen. She never cried for herself. She did cry once when talking about the future and my sister's wedding and our babies- all that she was going to miss. She was calm and patient. We put her bed in the living room in her house, where the flowers kept flowing and visitors were countless. Our whole family was around, and in an odd way, those are some of the happiest memories i have. Where our whole family was near and we could just be with one another. A lot of things happen in those short weeks that made a huge impact on my life. If I hadn't believed in God before, I surely would now. No one could plan the incidents that happened in a more perfect way. My mother loved the way she died, surrounded by family and love. We sang, drank out of the "special" cups (you know, the china you never use- but it's sooo pretty!!!), ate and prayed- for a miracle. I take a lot of comfort knowing that the way she died is how she wanted it to be and that she lived her life to the fullest- at least in her last year.

She died in August, 2007. She was 58. She loved holidays (which makes them that much harder), she was an excellent cook (which makes them that much harder still), loved babies, friends and family. She was humble and wonderful. She had Beautiful hands and long nails and sometimes when I was sitting on a barstool at her kitchen counter she'd scratch my back or rub my shoulders. She loved to hug. I am the youngest of her children, so she had many grandchildren and she was great with them. She never forgot a birthday and was a thoughtful gifter (which makes birthdays/ holidays that much harder). She would have thought the moon of my little boy and loved him more than life.

Coping with this loss was and still is very difficult. The feelings - loss, emptiness, lifelessness, etc. were very strong. My husband's and my marriage was so young and we were so inexperienced in dealing with women/emotions especially with death that we had a lot of arguments/fights/etc. He was "strong" i guess you could say, and never cried for her once. He loved her also, but never cried. We argued about that. We argued about Everything.

I guess why I'm writing all of this is because I thought my life was ending. It didn't. Although many days I had wished it had. I didn't know how to move forward. One day I realized that whether youre ready to move on or not.. time moves you on. My brother told me to wake up. I was alive and I needed to live. I would see my mother again.... and I do.... What I interpreted as him saying "you'll see her again- in Heaven" didn't really turn out to be the case at all. When my son was born, everyone said (and still does say) that he looks like daddy. I dont mind. He does, and he's adorable! Although he has my mouth and chin and I love his smile. He's precious- he's my baby.... but one day, when Isaac was only a few days old, I was feeling sooo down and just feeling cheated that my mother wasn't there. Holding my baby, I examined his hands and found they were my mother's!!! I still love to hold his little hands and it makes me feel really blessed that I get a daily reminder of my mother in such a special spot!!!

Greer - posted on 04/21/2009

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Hi Molly, thankyou for responding. as bad as it is, it is so good that there is a group like this. there aren't that many people in the world(that you know that knows exactly how your feel) and the mother-inlaw that still has both of her parents 1 adult child a teenager and the rest of her life to look forward to is one of the last people i'de expect to understand what i'm going through. your more likely to talk to the older ladies at work who have at least experianced the pain and emptiness of losing their mums, than your mothr in law.



Molly when did you lose your mum?

Amber i'm telling you it gets harder before it starts to get easier, once you have been through the first few events, my mum passed 2 months 2 days after my wedding, 21 days before my birthday, 49 days before my little sisters 18th 2 months 12 days before christmas, she wasn't here for new years, the birth of the first grandchild, on either side of the family, and she won't be here to share mothers day with me on the 10th of may, these are the times I have found the hardest, the pain isn't as viscious anymore, but the emptiness is the longing that will be with us for a very very long time.

nearly 7 months on we will be placing mum on her birthday the 5th of may, she was 50 this was her year, it just wasn't as great as she had hoped it be.

Amber - posted on 04/20/2009

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I too lost my mother to cancer; she was 50 years old when god took her from me. I took care of her for 2 years while she fought against this disease, but the third time it came back she had no strength to fight anymore she told me that she was going to die on my 29th birthday. I will never forget the pain I had that day but I new that she was done. She died that December of 2008. it has been the hardest thing that I ever had to deal with. People tell me that it gets easier with time but I don’t think so. The whole that is in my soul I think will never heal. She was a great person and a wonderful grandmother and my best friend, she was always there for me to ask her for help raising my 3 kids. So it has been hard because I have very little friends with kids and sometimes I just don’t know how to deal with some of the things they are going through. I guess I just thought she would always be there, we use to talk about her being at my oldest graduation and how proud she was of her and now that will not happen. She was closest to my oldest daughter who is now 11 and she miss her just as much as me. We talk about her all the time, but I still see the pain in her eyes and it breaks my heart all over again. If anyone knows how to help an 11 year old girl with dealing with this type of pain and loss I would love to hear from you. My other 2 kids are much younger and don’t have as many special memories so they deal with it much easier. After my mama died I made a scrap book in her memory and found this poem online that I would love to share with all of you



If Tomorrow Starts With Out Me



If tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not here to see,

If the sun should rise you find your eyes all filled with tears for me;

I wish so mush you wouldn’t cry the way you did today,

While thinking of the many things we didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you

And each time that you think of me, I know you’ll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me please try to understand,

That and angel came and called my name and took me by the hand.

He said my place was ready, in heaven far above

And that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned and walked away a tear fell from my eye.

For all my life I’d always thought, I didn’t want to die.

I had so much to live for, so much left yet to do.

It seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays the good ones and the bad.

I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,

I’d say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized that this could never be,

For emptiness and memories would take the place of me.

When I thought of worldly things I might miss come tomorrow

I thought of you and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow.

When I walked through heavens gates I felt so much at home.

God looked down and smiled at me from his great golden throne

He said, “This is eternity and all I’ve promised you”

Today your life on earth has passed but here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last

And since each day is the same there’s no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful so trusting and so true.

Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn’t do.

You have been forgiven and now at last you’re free.

So won’t you come and take my hand and share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts with out me don’t think we’re far apart,

For every time you think of me, I’m right here in your heart.



Thank you all for reading this it is very nice to have a place I can share my memorys

thank you again



Amber

Molly - posted on 04/16/2009

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Hi Greer...I'm so sorry you have to go through the loss of a mother and the annoyance of a mother-in-law.  (I'm there with you)  I often wonder why so many mother-in-laws make it their goal in life to be difficult and such downers- especially when something so wonderful has happened! A grandma has all the perks of being a mommy, but no late/sleepless nights, worrying, etc!



I dated an Indian boy when I was in HS and I was the first (white) girl he had ever dated.  His parents were never nice to me, and I would often hear things like, "why cant you date a nice Indian girl?" right in front of me like I wasn't even there.  At least you and your husband are making progress with her!  That's a good sign!  Besides, if she wants to be dificult, she's the one missing out on your beautiful baby girl- she'll have regrets, not you!



My husband's mother is not in my top 50 people i'd like to have as a mother-in-law and often times i feel resentful that she gets to see her grandson and my mother does not.  Especially when she doesn't appreciate him the way my mother would... she doesn't ever want to hold him, and when we saw her the other evening for dinner, she didn't say more than 3 sentences to either of us, including my son.  She doesn't even try. In all fairness she's like this a lot- not only with us.  I think she is just bitter towards life, so I cant help but often feel sorry for her. 



How's your beautiful little baby?



 

Greer - posted on 04/13/2009

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Hi Molly,



I too lost my mum to cancer 6 months ago to a 2 year vicious battle with cancer, it was the cancer that spread to the brain which claimed her, she was 50 last may i'm 23 and her rand daughter will be 7 weeks on thursday,.



my husband and i had been disgussing having a baby before she was rediagnosed in febuary last year. After unfortunately seeing a friend in highschools deteriation from a very simililar cancer, i knew she would not be around for the birth of a grandchild and it was lucky she even got to attend the wedding of at least one of her daughters.. i have 2 sisters.



my husband and i were married  and 2 weeks later she was admitted to the palitive care ward of the hospital where she lost her battle 2 months and 2 days after aour wedding..



i was far enough along that the ultra sound showed the sex of the baby( which almost didn't happen because the stupid recepionist at the hospital gave us a booking for the appointment but, put it down on file as an hour earlier, we weren't going to not have that scan that day) and mum would know that her first grandchild would be a girl.



the hardest thing apart for her not being here, was not being able to do the things with my mum that i thought mums where supose to do with their daughters, like picking out materials for your mum to make cloths or curtains before they child is born.



now i have driven away my in-laws( who barely spoke to me even when i was at their place anyway I don't speak hindi ) not only was i, am i still grieving, and can't stand that his mum gets to enjoy her and mine doesn't. I wasn't allowed in their house for the first 3 years we were together, and know she wants to be apart of MY childs life. OH I AM SO ANGRY,  I am starting to wonder what it would be like if my mum was here i know she asked his mum to look after me with the baby, sure i have had no experiance with babies in the past but she wouldn't be in my back pocket like his mum tried too, i had barely set un-drugged eyes on her (pethadine is great  but she swalled mec. so had to go to the nicu and was in the cub house for antibiotics for strep b) and his mum was like, you have to do this, and this, and this, and this etc. Not once before she was born did she ask me what are your thoughts on such and such or would you like me to when she is born...not once.



When i did ask her for a little help, it wasn't help she gave me just more of an inconveiniance...my husband and i were too tired to cook( and i was still recovering from the infection i was re hospitalised with) so when she dropped over un announced i asked if she could make us dinner, she agreed but we had to pack everything up to go to their place 2 streets over it would have been easier to order a pizza. she wasn't think that way. Any way have to go to bed got an appointment with my councilor in the morning.

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