handeling a friend's divorce

[deleted account] ( 6 moms have responded )

My husband and my best friends are separated and thinking about filing. They have 3 children ages 4 and under. These are the friends whose wedding Jason and I met in. I was a bridesmaid, he was a groomsmen and we walked together. Needless to say, we are both heartbroken, shocked and deeply saddened over the whole ordeal.

I won't get into the specifics, but the fault is solely his. She was just as shocked as the rest of us, and actually wants to work it out and stay in the marriage. But he does not. So she took the kids and moved four hours away to be with her parents.

I have not seen her or spoken to her (other than through text) since it all went down. I feel like a horrible friend, because I want to call or write, but don't know what to say. I can't put it off any longer and made it my goal to have a letter written and in the mail by this weekend. But what do I say? What would you say? What would comfort you in this situation? What would you want and need to hear?

I'm just at a total loss.

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Lady - posted on 07/08/2010

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I think you just need to let her know you are still her friend and that if she needs anything of if you can help in anyway then you'll be there for her.
Whatever you do don't start bad mouthing the hubby because if they do get back together it might make things awkward. Be as honest as you can and if she wants to vent just say as non comital things as possible but still be supporting like - well that's not good or no I wouldn't like that much either - or whatever fits the situation.
Good luck - just try to remember you've been friends for a long time and that always helps because you've so much past you both share.

*Lisa* - posted on 07/08/2010

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I think visiting on their birthdays is a lovely idea and will mean a lot to her! It's such a sad situation :( Maybe send some bright flowers with your letter?? I think she might be really appreciative of your call. I'm sure lots of people are unsure of what to say to her so may all try and give her space at the same time which might feel like rejection. I think I would call soon just in case she wants to talk. If she doesn't that's fine, at least she knows you care and are available for her.
I agree with Kati! It's easy to see in hindsight all the things you should have/could have done but you had no idea this was coming! Don't blame yourself.
Good luck Sara :)

Rosie - posted on 07/08/2010

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sara, don't be so hard on yourself!! how are you supposed to know why someone is being distant with you? there is not fault on your part here woman!!

just let her know that you are there if she wants to talk, and that you are there to listen, or whatever. just offer support in any way you can. she may take a while (i know i would want to be by myself for a bit) but just keep your presence known, and i'm sure she'll come around when she's ready. :)

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[deleted account]

Thanks Kati! The plan is to write her, then wait a while, then try to call. I also hope to travel the four hours to see her kids on their birthdays coming up in August and September, but we'll see.

[deleted account]

Thanks Gillian. Good point about not badmouthing the husband. He is an asshole, but it won't help the situation to tell her that.

We do have a lot of history behind us. But one issue I'm facing is that this past year she's been very distant. But now that everything has come out, I understand that her distance was a result of her feeling insecure in her marriage, even though she didn't know why her marriage was crumbling until very recently.

I don't know, maybe I should have been a better friend and tried to push past the boundaries she was putting up. I was hurt that she was doing that, but now it seems so silly. Shouldn't I know by now not to take things personally, and that there is probably something else going on when people change?

Now I'm rambling. But it's time to stop being a crappy friend and reach out to her.

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