my son and my fiance

Stefanie - posted on 05/08/2010 ( 20 moms have responded )

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i have a fiance and he isnt my sons real dad?

we tend to get married in 2012 but im having second thoughts as they dont get on well and my fiance doesnt make much of effort to spend time with him apart from reading with my son?
and i hate and sic of having to ask him to take my son out and today my son said to him hes bored and all he did was turn around and said you got toys!

and now iam really upset about it and it pisses me off!
whats your advice ive got none else to talk too... and my fiance is not the easy of person to talk too either.

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Jodi - posted on 05/08/2010

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Pre-marital counselling. It will give you a chance to discuss this with your fiance in a more neutral environment :)

I actually totally agree with Sharon, you shouldn't marry him at this point. You guys have some issues to sort out before this is even a consideration. Just the fact that you don't feel you are able to talk to him about it speaks volumes.

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Stefanie - posted on 05/11/2010

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i chickend out last night as he wasnt in a great mood! but i will tell him at one point this week!!

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I'm late to this, but I ditto everyone. ;) Communication is SO important!!! If he 'blows up' at you or talks down to you.... those are 2 concerning red flags to me already. Good luck tonight!

Stefanie - posted on 05/09/2010

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thank you! i've decided to write down what i want to say to him and hopefully he wont blow up on me which i hate!
I'm going to talk to him tonight so i'll let you know how it goes x

Suzette - posted on 05/09/2010

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Stefanie, I hope that it works out for you and that the relate counseling will be good for you and your fiance. =) I can imagine it's pretty difficult to go through. Good luck!

Carolee - posted on 05/09/2010

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My husband is not my son's bio father (but we are expecting a daughter together). It's a fine line to walk. I did let him know from the beginning that if I ever thought he was neglecting or mistreating my son in ANY way, it was a deal-breaker. I suggest giving this guy a warning that this will NOT be accepted and you WILL leave if it continues. Hopefully that will help him realize what he has and that he does not want to lose it. If it doesn't change, don't marry him and leave with the kids. Good luck.

Lady - posted on 05/09/2010

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Relate counselling is really wonderful, they can help you both say what you want and get each person to understand the others point of veiw. You can fimd them in the phone book and will probably have to go on a waiting list before you can see anyone but they will only charge you what you can aford and for the sake of your son, your gaughter and your future marriage it's well worth it - good luck!

Stefanie - posted on 05/09/2010

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Maybe we should go out for a meal and talk things through and be brave about it! i just dont like arguing with him cause he talks down to me like i'm a child as he is 45! there's 20 years between us!

Suzette - posted on 05/08/2010

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I agree with Kati. If you cannot communicate with him about everything, the good the bad and the ugly, then there isn't a relationship to be had. Like Sharon said, I can talk to my husband about anything - it might get downright ugly - but we can talk about anything.

I know my step dad had a damn hard time being a step dad. BUT he is a wonderful Dad. He tried and tried even when I pushed and pushed at him to get away. There were family nights and there were my mom's nights with just him. There was never just "go to your room and play if you're bored." (Well unless it was my mom lol.)

If we were bored, my dad would find something to do with us, we'd go outside and we'd all play together. Of course, your situation is slightly different, my parents weren't able to have biological children together - my mom had a hysterectomy.

How is your fiancee with the daughter the two of you have together? Does he treat her differently than he treats your son? If he's showing her favoritism over your son then there IS a huge problem. I would suggest counseling if that's the case. Your son WILL notice that, if he hasn't already, and it will be extremely damaging to his self-esteem (what he views as his self-worth). He needs for your fiancee to be a good father figure, if he can only do that for the daughter the two of you have together, then he's not a good person for your son.

Rosie - posted on 05/08/2010

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i don't think you should marry him just yet. lay it all out, and make sure he knows how you feel. if you don't feel like you can talk to him, that's not good at all. you have to be able to communicate, if you can't, there is no relationship to be had.

Isobel - posted on 05/08/2010

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hmmm...my boyfriend used to be like that. One day, my boyfriend decided that my son had been sorely neglected because I had never taught him about sports. They spent all day in front of the television...they watched horse racing, baseball, soccer, even boxing...My boyfriend got to explain it all and my son soaked it up like a sponge. Their relationship has been much better ever since.

I still have to prod my boyfriend with a hot poker every once in a while to get actively involved with the kids...but leaving them alone (to go to school, shopping, etc) kinda forced them to get to know each other.

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I agree with Sharon. You've got to weigh pros and cons.

Your son can before the fiance and you fiance *should* accept him as part of you. If he doesn't what kind of life does that mean for your son?

Sharon - posted on 05/08/2010

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Who is more important? Your daughter? or Your son? who gets short changed?

Just some questions for you.

Stefanie - posted on 05/08/2010

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the thing is we also have a daughter together which makes it harder!
i love the bloke to bits but i want him to be a proper father to him and sit at his computer or tell him to go to play with his toys, i mean the only thing in comman he has with my son is the xbox but i want him to do more then the damn xbox!

my son means the world to me, my angel and star! his real father deserted him!!
from 7 weeks old.

i dont know what to do anymore! im very tempted to go gay lol

Sharon - posted on 05/08/2010

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no no no no... do not marry this man. All you are going to wind up with is a bed partner. Not a real husband and not a real father for your husband.

Its a damned fine line finding a man who is genuinely in love with children and not some pedophile. BE CAREFUL. Pay for online searches for criminal records. I shit you not, sometimes friends would give me the name of some guy they wanted to set me up with and I'd find out he'd been convicted of rape, sexually assaulting their mother, stabbing someone... lmao no no no no...

You know your son is the most important thing in your life. Do not marry this man just because you've been together for so long.

You've already seen that is not a good thing. Don't get me wrong we say that to our kids all the time. "I'm bored." "how about cleaning your room?" LMAO. But just as often we say "lets take the dogs for a walk then" or "wanna play mario kart?" or half a dozen other things.

If you can't talk to your fiancee about this incredibly important thing what else will come along in life that you can't talk to him about.

I can talk to my husband about ANYTHING. Not that it won't get ugly, but we can talk about anything.

Emma - posted on 05/08/2010

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I've never been in your situation and it must be really tough for you as you love your fiancé but your son has to come first. I know you say its not easy to talk to him but it sounds like you need to. Arrange some days out that you can enjoy as a family and see if he bonds better. Ask him to be more involved with him like playing with him at home. My son loves role play with his dad. Also ask your son what he'd like your fiancée to do with him.
If he doesn't want to do more then it doesn't look like he is the right person to be a step dad to your son.

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