20 year old son who is very disrespectful

Michele - posted on 08/02/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Hi all. This is the first time I have posted in this group. I have 4 kids...a 6 yr old son, a 9 yr old daughter, an 18 yr old daughter and a 20 yr old son. To make a long story short, my 20 yr old son was kidnapped by his father when he was 3 1/2 and raised in Morocco til a yr and a half ago. He is now living with me and has been for almost a yr and a half. We have big culture differences that pop up once in a while. He got mad at me the other day because I asked him to stop badmouthing our small town cable company on facebook cause the storm had knocked out the internet. His life is the computer and he is in college for computers. He won't talk to me but messages me and has since been saying horrible things to me. He says things like he is sacrificing his life for me by living with me and keeps saying I am doing and saying things that I am not, inorder to keep from being wrong. It goes on and on and don't want to make this too long. I can't take this disrespect and hate and his hypocrocy and ego. My husband says he is only saying these things cause he is angry. He is just making excuses for him, in my opinion. Am I overreacting? And where do I go from here?

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Nancy M - posted on 12/13/2012

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Show him the door. And add that his behavior effects the other children in the home as well. If hes got it better at Daddys so be it. But, two men in the same house WILL NOT LAST LONG. He will show his poor behavior over there too. Dad may not let you know but, thats on him. Let your Son know you love him but, until he can speak to you with respect dont wast his breath. You need to remember there are 3 other kids that need , deserve AND respect you.
My oldest Daughter really did some damage to our family and still leads a distructive life and has 3 kids from 3 different men as she drags them through the hell she makes . My situation is different and Im not sure what or how to start I really need some advice . My Son is 29 and married so Maybe I can get a Parent with a kid that age to help me .

WickedLizzie - posted on 08/08/2010

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Bottom line is he is 20 years old. He can either treat you respectfully or find another place to live. You don't have to tolerate his behavior. If he refuses to leave, then you will havetoget the police involved because what he is doing could be construed as domestic violence.
Since he is an adult, and with the situation of him being out of your life for so long, you need to have proper expectations with regards to rebuilding the mother/son relationship. You also may have to just accept that the relationship will never be the one that you fantasized about the entire time he was gone.
I suggest that you find a therapist, see if he is willing to attend sessions with you, and see where that goes. I'm so sorry that you are in this situation, but you have a lot of time that has passed that you were not able to have a relationship with your son, and you should go to therapy just to deL with that.
Relationships don't just happen overnight. He probably does have a lot of anger, and feels resentment towards you. Perhaps he may have wanted toe reunited all those years and expected you to come see him or to come take him home. That's why I recommend talking to a therapist, this is just too complex an issue to solve on a message board.

Best of luck to you and update us on your progress.

Nancy - posted on 08/08/2010

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Has he seen a psychologist/counsellor since he came to live with you? His entire life has turned upside down in the last couple of years, and that's a lot to deal with for anyone. You didn't say whether he was aware of how he came to live in Morocco, but if that was something that came out recently, that's also another big thing for him to get his head around. I think anger is a natural reaction to how much his life has changed, but he needs to learn how to deal with it.

The culture change is huge - especially in terms of how women are treated. Perhaps talking to a professional might help. No one deserves to be treated with disrespect by their children.

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The culture thing is a HUGE thing. I would sit him down and have a serious chat with him. #1 - it's about respect: this is YOUR town, YOUR friends and YOUR culture, YOUR house. you do not disrespect his culture, but he IS disrespecting yours. Since he is in college, tell him he needs to move into the dorms. From what you've said, I would assume that he is using you for the education you can provide him. He is NOT "sacrificing his life for you" - but he IS taking advantage of you. HIS dreams/expectations of you don't match the true reality and for him, that is harsh. We have hosted several exchange students and this last one had a hard time adjusting because his expectations didn't match the reality of life with us. we had to constantly remind him that this was the real way it was. we managed and still keep in touch, but it was hard. However, this is your son and that makes it even harder for you. your reality is that you love him and have missed him and been worried about him for a long time. i dont' know about life in moracco, but i'll bet that he's also NOT used to women being "in charge" of anything, so a lot of his issues stem from that. it could be that the disrespect is due to that, too. Set some House rules and then stick by them. who is paying for his education? his dad or you? if the behavior continues, then make continued payment of his education part of the deal, shape up or go home... good luck, my heart hurts for you..

Carmen - posted on 08/07/2010

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I have 3 chirldren all over the age of 18. I had no trouble with 2 of them but that middle child was disrespectfull with her bad mouth. What I did was tell her if thing we not to her liking ger the H*** out! she is doing well now and we have a very good relationship.

Audrey - posted on 08/07/2010

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Put his sorry butt on the otherside of your front door. If he thinks he is sacrificing his life to live with you then by all means tell him to get on with life and move the heck out. Yes I have 3 grown children and my son was extremely disrespectful. They are only this way because we allowed them to get away with it one too many times. Put the brakes on his behavior or it will only get worse. Good luck to you!

Lynda - posted on 08/06/2010

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Why is he still allowed to be at home? I have 4 grown children and my oldest who is 26 lived at home till early this spring when she started bad mouthing our family and church on facebook. At that point we told her she had to move out and gave her a deadline. She moved out in a huff and quickly realized that she was an idiot. But she is now living on her own, appreciates when we help her and is making much better choices. In return we let her make her own decisions about everything in her life. Still not easy to watch but sometimes you have to stand up and let them fall on their faces to get them to grow up.

Dawn - posted on 08/05/2010

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You may need to give an attitude adjustment by telling him its time to learn how to be on his own.

My son started in this past year with diesrespecting and talking behind my back to his friends, making his life sound so rough. So I told him you are 18 and its time you get prepared for the real world. You dont want to be parented anymore so I am willing to let you do as you please in return for a rental contract between us.

I set his rent at 175.00 per month
He did set chores in exchange for utilities
His internet was unlimited for $30.00 per month
He was to provide his own groceries, laundry supplies, personal supplies.
He had complete privacy to his room that he was renting, and could have friends over. Quiet times were 10pm-8am during the week and midnight -8am on weekends. Overnight guests were allowed with prior approval.
He was not to use the items outside of his personal space adn if he needed to, he had to have permission first.

Then the stipulations were set that if he missed paying rent he had 15 days to pay back rent plus current month or he gets a 3 day eviction notice.

If he did not abide by the other rules of the house he would get a 2 verbal warnings and then a 3 day eviction notice.

Needless to say it worked great he worked his job at McDonalds and then went to Menards as it paid better. he got his own truck, paid his bils, learned how to budget and is prepared to leave for college.

Best of all, I only had to give him 2 warnings and we didnt fight everyday and I didnt have to pull my hair out and cry cause of the stress we used to have.

Dawn

Michele - posted on 08/02/2010

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To add a little more...he also said he wouldn't stop badmouthing my friends even if I asked him too....and that I have mistreated him cause I don't treat him the way he was treated in Morocco like he expected me too....and that I am making him feel like a victim. We have given him a lot and are now putting him through college...I am just so hurt!

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