47 year old mom...I have no sex drive and haven't since birth of 1st child 17 yrs ago--HELP

Gena - posted on 04/17/2010 ( 43 moms have responded )

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I have not had ANY sex drive in the past 10 years. I noticed it declined after birth of 1st child 17 yrs ago, but did not lose it totally until about 10 years ago. Had partial hysterectomy at age 34. Still have ovaries & do not take hormones. My husband is very loving :& understanding thank goodness. We have not had sexual relations in over a year now. That is the longest we have ever gone. I have ALWAYS been the initiator but just don't have any desire anymore. I feel as though I could go rest of my life without it. My husband does not pressure me or ask & get denied. He has never cheated on me & I know he never will. He is a godly man and the best father & husband u could ask for. I feel so guilty sometimes but I am not going to be intimate when I don''t feel like it because then it feels as though I am lying to my husband & myself. I have talked w/doctors & they are of no help at all. Just wondered if anyone else suffers from lack of sex drive as I do. Or if anyone has ideas or knows a way to get back those "butterflies"!!

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Sue - posted on 10/01/2010

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I have 2 solutions for all of you without a sex drive. I am currently taking bioidentical hormones and I feel great. A second suggestion is once my doctor told me that welbutrin (an antidepressant) can bring your sex drive back.. Good luck. My new worries are adult acne and hair loss. !!!

Janice - posted on 09/28/2010

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Hi, I am Janice! I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I had an experience after my hysterectomy of not having any feelings of desire for sex. I was experiencing dryness and felt like I didnt want it either. My ex and I are divorced now and I thought I would never be able to have those feelings again. I recently started dating a man who is wonderful, kind, very affectionate, so unlike my 1st husband, Those feelings of desire are coming back so strong now. We have not had relations yet, but the feelings are there. Stress is probably the culprit, and when you and your husband can begin to have date nights and all his attention is focused on you, hopefully sparks will fly. Something simple like rubbing your arm very lighly can bring up feelings of desire. Tell hubby you need romance, candlelight dinners, soft music, but most of all his undying attention and love. Best of luck to you!

Donna - posted on 07/25/2010

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Try what I suggested Val. My meds have helped kill it for me also although after reading these posts I cannot blame them entirely. I am 49 and had been on the decline for 3yrs, since my spine op. Hope my suggestions go some way to helping you also x

Donna - posted on 07/25/2010

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I know exactly where you are coming from, however, my husband isn't so understanding. He gets moody and switches back to his bullying tactics. The only way I got the 'butterflies' back was when we were away at our caravan together. Just being away from the usual daily routine has taught BOTH of us to look at each other as individuals. Not Mum and Dad, but, the people who fell in love over 25 yrs ago. We are fortunate to have a retreat, (such as it is). Maybe just making time every other week-end just for you and your husband. Do things you wouldn't normally do, start to enjoy each other again. Another helpful thing is every now and again we have no TV from Fri night until Sun night. Just being together, reading, talking, doing crosswords etc encourages the 'person' to shine through. Hope this has helped XX

Kelly - posted on 07/10/2010

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I understand how you feel I had my daughter at 1 month short of my 35th bday and have had yrs of issues with my period but once I had my baby that was it! I could have shut it down for the rest of my life, the only thing I can suggest is a couple of cocktails (probably not godly but...) that is the way I try to take care of my hubby but the butterflies have been gone for a long time and it is not that I don't care about him, it really is more comfort level I guess.......I would however suggest a couple of cocktails long before the drugs that are being suggested....I read only a couple of posts but well......

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Leah - posted on 08/28/2011

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Often this is caused by a lack of the amino acid L-Argenine which is essential for libido. Taking antidepressants can suppress production of this as well. Try a good supplement, give it a few weeks and you should see a change. And don't stress! That is a turn-off! Blessings!

Jamie - posted on 08/26/2011

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I have had no sexual arousal happen since I was 21 years of age, one year after I had my second child. I am not 38, have found no help whatsoever..to me it is almost like part of you is dead.

Gena - posted on 10/02/2010

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I don't have to worry about my husband turnng to someone else or pornography. He is a Godly man. That is why I feel so guilty sometimes. However, have found out that having partial hysterectomy, the heart medication I have to take, & stress have been Main reason MY sex drive has disappeared. My husband & I have been to a Christian counselor when I was having trouble dealing with the death of my father, his father, & his mother. Plus my mom (who has not been married to my real dad since I was 2) drives me insane. I have been working for her 22 years now & we have a horriblle relationship. she is a control freak. Tried getting her to go to therapy w/me & she only went once. Said she didn't need it..tried to explain to her that it was for ME & still would not go. I also suffer from fibromyalgia (chronic pain) & the anti-inflammitory med's don't help sex drive either. I am only 47 & about 15 lbs overweight. I was EXTREMELY athletic all my life. Now I cannot lift weights or run or walk per doctors orders. I do what I can for excercise but it is difficult. Think that too has effected sex drive. No adrenaline or endorphine rushes anymore. My husband & I do have date nites & spend quality time together & are intimate in other ways..Massages, Brushing hair (he does mine) I rub his bald head. LOL Foot rubs. manicures. So we are affectionate just not the physical act of intercourse. I think things are starting to get better. My med's have changed & I'm really focusing on trying to get aroused. Think it will all work out because we have God in our lives & He will help us thru this. Thanks for all your responses.

Pamela - posted on 10/02/2010

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I was feeling anxious for the same reason.and discovered I needed a hormone, and anti-depressants. I am also a long term pain patient. Even when I was feeling better, my husband still was okay with our sexlas marriage. Turns out he needed hormones as well! It isn't about the act of intercourse. It is about the intamacy. Do you have date nights? Maybe a counselor can help you and your DH get back into the swing of romance.

Darleen - posted on 09/30/2010

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Even though you don't have the sex drive like you used to, it's still ok to be intimate with your husband. Sometimes it's not about climaxing, it's just enjoying the sweetness and intimacy of lying closely with your husband and showing him how much you love him. It's not lying, you're just showing you care for him. 1 Cor. ch. 7 we studied in Bible study just last night. It says you are not to withhold your body from your husband. Your body is his body and his is yours. My husband is a pastor and counsels a lot of couples. Men have needs, and wouldn't you rather give him your love than have him turn to pornography or to someone else? Read the chapter and pray about it.

JANE - posted on 09/29/2010

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I am 44 with two boys 15 and 11 and have the same issue but I honestly feel I have fallen out of love? I want him but I can't seem to get close and I too was the one with butterflies, started everything. He still has his drive and is also understanding, in love, but would like to know the medication to take to help. I want to keep my marriage and not loose it to Sex!

SHEENA - posted on 09/24/2010

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prayer changes things in our lives, with God all things are possible, I will keep you and your husba d in prayer concern pastor

Lisbeth - posted on 07/28/2010

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Hi,
I know how you feel,I've been the same for the last 5 years,luckily I live alone with my son. But I think you are very staying very honest and thruthful to yourselv by not "giving in".I'm sorry if my language is a bit strange,I'm Norwegian.
I understand that you feel bad about the whole thing,but unfortenatly sexdrive doesen't come woth a switch. I suppose this wasn't much help,but atleast you're not alone. I also think that we women have so many things ti think about all the time(most men only have one thought at the time)that we get lost somewhere and forget about ourselves and our own needs. We simply forget how life was before we got kids,at least thats how I feel.
All the best.

Gena - posted on 07/28/2010

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I am on medications & have been for 11 years. I have atrial fibrilation so I have to take medication to keep my heart beat slow & rythym. Think that might have something do with it as well. I have not talked to my doc seriously about this so I will at my next appointment which will be next month..Want my sex drive back

Frances - posted on 07/26/2010

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I used to have a low sex drive in my mid-30's. I started taking wild yam capsules, standardized extract. It restored my sex drive to what it was before. I get mine from Swanson because they are cheaper.

Brenda - posted on 07/26/2010

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I know exactly how you are feeling. I am almost 45 years old and I have not had any sexual attraction towards my husband since I had my hysterectomy in 2006. I went to the doctor about it about a year ago and she told me that maybe it was not me maybe it was my husband....maybe I had been married to him for so long that and that the sex was just so routine that the flame was gone so she told me to try a secret exercise to see if my sexual desire was still there. Some of you may be against this and if you are I respect your beliefs but she told me to watch a romantic movie or look at porn or read an intimate book and see if I got those feelings sooooo I did what she said.....and guess what? I got aroused.....I got excited!!! Sooooo now I have the delimia that I need to talk to my husband and figure out what is going on between me and him. We get along good....I love him with all my heart. I think we just don't make enough "us time" for each other. I think the stresses of everyday life stay so much on the forefront of our brains "mine anyway" that it's hard to concentrate on sex because afterall sex for women is a mindset. I think maybe you should do the "secret exercise" to see if your libido is really gone or if it's just hidden under all the stresses of everyday life. Lots of luck, ~B~

Jennifer - posted on 07/25/2010

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Hi Gena.
I am glad that you are not alone in this and your husband is beside you too,especially during no TV from Fri night until Sun night, also being together, reading, talking, doing crosswords etc which encourages the 'person' to shine through". Much love, Jennifer

Jennifer - posted on 07/24/2010

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That butterfly feeling can be got by starting at the beginning of relationship but at the same time working yourself up to a fulfilling relationship. Reintroduce items that was high on the agenda during courtship leading up to marriage. As well as that say you are going to make one evening the most romantic one ever, mean it, and then act upon it.

Luisa - posted on 07/11/2010

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i sometimes feel this way its menopause i know but im heading this way so i cant be bothered .so this morning i thought what the heck . and im so glad i did its the same feeling .aparntly u have to use it or u lose it.. i was watching a programme the other day sex education it covered the subject check it out its on channel 4.(uk)

Gail - posted on 07/09/2010

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they do have some sexual pills fro women it is steel libido or try some with the maca they can be found in a health food store

Nell - posted on 06/26/2010

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that happen to me after i had my daughter 12 years ago. It was fine before i was pregnant but while i was pregnant i didn't have the desire at all. Try and explain that to your husband that you don't want to have sex with them he was not happy,and didn't understand what happen. I could go for a long time but i want to keep him happy so i will just do it

Ellen - posted on 06/26/2010

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Mine is not as strong either....but to NOT have sex b/c YOU don't feel like it may be a little selfish. I know that sex is to be enjoyed by both, but at times ya gotta give even when you don't feel like it.

Have you prayed about it? Ask God how you should handle this.

Hang in there.

Janette - posted on 06/24/2010

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I'm a mom again at 48, I have a 27 month old boyplus 2 grown children from a previous marriage. I also have lost my sex drive, it's been since my son was born, over 2 years now that we've not had relations, no drive and I'm always tired!

Tialene - posted on 06/21/2010

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Thankyou so much ladies for sharing, I dont feel like a useless freak anymore, I havent had a hysterectomy or anything like that, I noticed that my interest in sexual activity started to deplete a few years ago when I was in my late 30's, when I was 42 after lenghty discussions with my partner (who didnt have children of his own) I decided to have another child (my 5th) our son was born Christmas eve 2008 and weighed 10lb 11oz and since such a tiring and somewhat difficult birth my sex drive has gone all together. My partner is very, very highly sexed and desires sex 2 or 3 times a day, this has been a major problem for us, we have recently seperated which is very upsetting as the sexual issue is our main issue. I havent spoken to the doctors yet, maybe I will now or maybe thanks to all of you lovely ladies I will talk more with women I know and get ideas from them, Cheers everyone

Rachel - posted on 06/20/2010

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Hi. I am 42 and have two boys, the youngest is 14 months. I have had no sex drive since I had my last baby. I do try, but even though I find my husband attractive, and he is really lovely, I just can't find the urge. I think it is quite common. Think we need to try and get some decent sleep and maybe some time off completely, and maybe one day it will come back. I don't know - I'm feeling quite down about it at the moment and I know my husband is struggling with it.

Maureen - posted on 06/18/2010

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I am 43 years old and ever since I had lost my first ovary, I have felt less and less intimate in the bed room with my husband. My husband is a loving husband and also very understanding. I have no use of my other ovary and I have already gone through into Menopause. I don't feel comfortable talking about this with people because I felt kind of alone in that aspect. I am grateful to find others who are being open about their condition and sharing with others. It is like you mentioned...I love my husband so much but don't desire sex. It doesn't even enter my mind and feel I can just survive without it.

Dee - posted on 06/18/2010

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I am 53 and I have the same problem due to Menopause. My ob/gyn recommended Wellbutrin which is a depression medication but is also known to have helped many women increase their sex drive. I've been on it for about two months now and it's not doing much for me, but you might want to try it and see if it works for you. Ask your doctor to prescribe it.

Lee - posted on 05/13/2010

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When last did you and your husband "date" each other? Exercise together, dinner and movies, go to a dance or music venue? Also, if you are on meds (such as anti-depressants) these can REALLY drop your libido. Regular exercise such as walking or cycling, especially together, can also help. Good luck, it's a tough one but you are not alone!

Lisa - posted on 05/13/2010

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If you find out anything that helps please please let me know it is tough being 42 and not wanting to or even having a sex drive.

Lisa - posted on 05/13/2010

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Gena, Hi I am 42 and I have no sex drive either and havent for 5 years i have had a partial historectomy when i was 25 and a complete one when i was 30. At first I wanted to make love to my husband all the time and now i make excuses of why i can't i feel terrouble about it but dont know what to do he just gets mad and starts calling me names and says stuff like what the f is wrong with you Are you seeing someone else and he always knows exactly where i am I could use some advice to.

Nancy - posted on 04/23/2010

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Hello Gena, my name is Nancy, I can totally relate to the death of the libido as I call it. I can't even remember the last time I had a sex drive. L O N G L O N G time to say the least. One of my smart ass docs. told me I started too young and burnt the thing out. LOL Who knows. My husband passed away suddenly and very unexpectedly 7yrs ago, I have not dated since and have no desire to do so. My sex drive had died long before he did. It used to be my favorite and most enjoyable part of my life. At first I was really really concerned, but now, I could care less... I am now 52 and a Grandmother of 3, I guess they fill that void, who knows?????

Nancy - posted on 04/23/2010

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Hello Gena, my name is Nancy, I can totally relate to the death of the libido as I call it. I can't even remember the last time I had a sex drive. L O N G L O N G time to say the least. One of my smart ass docs. told me I started too young and burnt the thing out. LOL Who knows. My husband passed away suddenly and very unexpectedly 7yrs ago, I have not dated since and have no desire to do so. My sex drive had died long before he did. It used to be my favorite and most enjoyable part of my life. At first I was really really concerned, but now, I could care less... I am now 52 and a Grandmother of 3 I guess they fill that void, who knows????

DEBBIE - posted on 04/21/2010

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oh my we are the same age have the same issues wow i thought i was the only one out there lol have no sex drive at all thank you for putting this in here im still talking to my drs about this they cant figure it out either im going threw menapause too so that doesnt help at all

[deleted account]

In the book Intimate Issues for Women by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus these are some things that are suggested for help in this area:
Try a tad of testosterone...would require a Rx from your physician, zinc, exercise your body---energy is essential to feeling sexual. Some natural aphrodisiacs are kava and saw palmetto. Also Damiana, a shrub indigenous to the Southwest and the Mexican desert...my friend swears by this....I tried it but it didn't work for me...but she loves it. Also your mind is your most important sexual organ. (Chapter 3 of the above book is called "How Do I Shift into Sexual Gear?" The book is written by Christian women for Christian women.

Trinia - posted on 04/20/2010

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Gena, I don't know what you have done so far, but I have had three patients in the past month with the same problem. No, I am not a doctor, I work for a gynecologist and we address this situation regularly. Have talk with your doctor about estrogen levels. It doesn't matter if you have your ovaries or not. After a hysto. and having children in the house; can have this affect on women. The main thing is to keep commuications open with your husband. He sounds alot like my husband; has compassion and understanding. Another thing is you may want to try is KY products.

Linda - posted on 04/20/2010

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Like val said there are medications to help the same way they help men with rectile dysfunction, some of us are afraid of pharmacuticals and that is totally understandable so check out an herbalist, you would be surprised what is made from nature can do for us. Good luck to all you women and be thankful that you have understanding husbands and for Val I am sorry your mate is pissed but he needs to stop and think he could be in the same position. Personally I would seek counceling in your case because if he wants to stay with you then he needs to support you thru this. Good luck to all you women, but seriously look into holistic healing it can't hurt and does not cause cancer like pharmacutical hormones do. Enjoy life the best you can!!!!!

Vicki - posted on 04/20/2010

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I am 44 and had a partial hysterectomy last year and I feel the same way. Husband is supportive, but I feel guilty as we have always had a very active sex life. I thought I was the only one feeling this way. Nice to know I am not the only one going though this.

Cathy - posted on 04/19/2010

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Dont worry , I had a total hysterectomy , over , 25 yrs ago .. ( well after , i had my tubes tied & burn.. but gave me hormones( premarin .. ) after that , read up what went in there , then got cancer , ( it could be the reason that most of the females in my family had some cancer , of females oragns ..) or it could of been the premarin too .. or both .. after that didnt take it .. afterwards.. about 6 yrs ago i was in pain, dont kno if it was my liver , or what , but my dr did an MRI & an xray .. found out I had a tumor again !she called me up asking me that i didnt have a total hysterectomy , I told her to hand onm while I get the paper wkr .. yes I did . she said well where the left overie , is is a growth .. size of my fist . I was seeing red at the time .becuz I couldnt go back & sue .. & apploize to my dr for she was letting me know .. she sent me to a Cancer Dept at UCD , had the surgry , then on my 2 wk , she was asking me if I wanted to take any hormones, Told her no way, not when the side effects are bad .. & dont want to go back into the hospital again .. she understood
but , it does that ..once it does happen , even menopause , woud have the same issues .. my husband understands ..

Val - posted on 04/19/2010

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there is medication now that doctors can give you if you want them, just like they give the guys. Yes I have the same problem; But mine is because of medication I take, you did not say if you was on any kind of medication, if so check and see if that is the cause. my meds take my sex drive away, but my mate is pissed about it. there is doctors out there that will help with that you just got to keep looking for one good luck

Tina - posted on 04/17/2010

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your not alone i have felt this way for a long time , i felt guilty and thought something was wrong with me, i also had a partial hysterectomy in my 20's , i was told from a few people that is part of menapause, i used to just give in and fake it , well i cant even do this anymore, i dont know if it gets better or not , but your not alone and now i know im not the only one also..............good luck at least you have a understanding husband.

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