adult daughter in a domestic abuse relationship

Dena - posted on 01/12/2010 ( 20 moms have responded )

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Hi, My daughter whom is 20 is with a 22 yr old male whole has caused her isolation, intimidation and control. He lies to her all the time and she chooses to believe him over her own family.He got fired for sexual harrassment of 5 girls while on the job and he has her believing that it was a set up to get him fired. He threatens my family all the time of pressing charges on us for I do not know what it is a scare tactic he uses on my daughter. Family members have alredy gave up on her and I don't want to she is my daughter.He is already dealing with courts from his previous relationship with the mother of his child for stalking,domestic and harassment. I don't know what to do anymore it seems I push her further into his arms.I am ready to tell her to just move out and be with him so I do not have to deal with the pain of seeing all this.He has no job his car got repoed and he lives in a apartment.And now my daughter tells me he has her social security number.She is going to counseling. I love her so much I just dont know what to do anymore.

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Francie - posted on 01/12/2010

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I found a poem that I carry with me all the time. This poem may help in letting your daughter make up her own mind. She will not leave the situation untill she is ready. Keep you strength and never forget to take a breath and never ever forget she is your life. I hope this poem helps. Here it is:



Letting Go

Author unknown



To "let go" does not mean to stop caring,

it means I can't do it for someone else.



To "let go" is not to cut myself off,

it's the realization I can't control another.



To "let go" is not to enable,

but to allow learning from natural consequences.



To "let go" is to admit powerlessness,

which means the outcome is not in my hands.



To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another,

it's to make the most of myself.



To "let go" is not to care for,

but to care about.



To "let go" is not to fix,

but to be supportive.



To "let go" is not to judge,

but to allow another to be a human being.



To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes,

but to allow others to affect their own destinies.



To "let go" is not to be protective,

it's to permit another to face reality.



To "let go" is not to deny,

but to accept.



To "let go" it not to nag, scold or argue,

but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.



To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires

but to take each day as it comes,

and cherish myself in it.



To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody

but to try to become what I dream I can be.



To "let go" is not to regret the past,

but to grow and live for the future.



To "let go" is to fear less,

and love more.

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20 Comments

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What ever you do never break the strings of communication...be there for your adult daughter. I know what you are going through. Love her and Pray pray pray.
There is no great love than a love a loving mother.

Denise - posted on 01/19/2010

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PLEASE PLEASE, dont give up on her, i was in the same realationship myself for over 20 years. I am finished with him now thank god and six kids later. He did the same with me turned my family away and friends, deep down she knows his wrong but he has this power on her and fear. Its like they take over your mind. But my mother never gave in and in the end was there for me when i was ready to leave and i never would have done it with out her. just be patience if it takes years its worth it to be their in the end to see that no good coward been tossed to the side and believe me he will left lonely, as none of my kids have anything to do with their da, and i get the pleasure of watching them grow up. i no its hard but she not thinking right at the moment, just stay on the side lines and help whenever you can, just let him (it will sicken him to know that) and her know that you are always here.

Lorraine - posted on 01/18/2010

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i so feel for you . My daughter went threw an abusive relationship but after 8 years she finally got away from him and is now divorced from him. All we did was constantly be there for her. It was so tough at times. we finally convinced her to go to counseling for her self not her relationship and i think that brought back her selfasteam in her self . he always tried to take that away from her. telling her she was good for nothing. My daughter is now 29 and has a good job and a new better relationship . She did move out of the area to get away from him but we are so proud of her and we are still hear for her if she ever falls down in life again. So just hang in there and let her know that what ever happens she always as a safe place in you.

GAYLE - posted on 01/18/2010

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Sorry to hear about your daughter but basically all you can do is be there for her, even though it hurts you to see all this abuse. Your daughter is still only young and she will eventually come to find out what a creep this guy really is but until then all you can do is keep telling her that you love her and that you are there for her. Try to be patient as some girls feel that they NEED a boyfriend to fit in. Has this guy actually hit your daughter and if he has then you really will have to be careful as he will have a hold of your daughter and she may not really be able to tell you exactly what he is like. Your daughter is sort of telling you that she wants out but doesn't know how to do it as she has told you that he has her social security number. Just sit down with her and tell her that if she does need to leave him then you are 1000% behind her and that you will protect her. She may not find it easy but try to make her realise that so many other people can't be that wrong about him. Do you know the mother who he is in dispute with from a previous relationship and if you do try to meet up and find as much as you can about this creep and then you can show your daughter just what a bad person he is and how bad things will get if she stays with him. Try to be patient and don't push your daughter as the more you push, the more she is likely to go towards him and that is totally NOT what you want to happen. You could also try to write all the bad things down so she can actually SEE what he is doing to her. Why does this guy need her SS number? He don't. You could also ask her why she wants to be with this guy. But like I said earlier all you can do is show her that you are looking out for her and that you will always be there for her..no matter what. If you don't want to talk at home try go out for a coffee/tea and tell her that you are not nagging her and keep telling her that you love her and that you are behind her. Hope my advise helps you and your daughter to become strong and get through this bad time in her life. x

Rhonda - posted on 01/17/2010

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I was abused for 10yrs. and I'm just going to be honest theres nothing you can do till she's had enough and decides she don't want it anymore. But tell her life is to precious to waste on a looser like that.

La Deann - posted on 01/17/2010

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First youmust get on your knees and pray to God, to keep your daughter safe. Ask God to remove everything from your child life that is not about her and for her. second off he would just have to call the police on me, because i would be in their business every chance i got. and your daughter need to understand that your not going to tell nothing wrong and that she will understand later. I would also tell my daughter that she could see him and live in y house. I would also lety him know that i willbe talking to his probation officer. he has a probation agent nioe times out of ten if he has these existing cases he is on probation. dont give on your child be a thirn in that man side untilhe get tired and give up and leave. Working with god on your side all will turn out good. I was i n the same situation withmy daughter but when me and my brother went to talk to the guy he had a change of heart and told my daughter thather family was craszy. I will kepp you and your family in my prayers.

Julie - posted on 01/17/2010

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My heart goes out to you. I would say don’t, under any circumstances encourage her to move out , if she is still under your roof at least you know (maybe not everything) but some of what’s happening and although that’s heartbreaking it would be a whole lot worse if he has total control with you not knowing where she is or even how she is..
Another thing, try to get her to understand what love is? ask her what she thinks it is? In knowing what love is she will in turn, hopefully start realizing what it isn’t and it isn’t painful, it isn’t controlling, it isn’t abusive etc. But do this with love and understanding with gentle persuasion if possible.
Good luck and God bless

Robbin - posted on 01/17/2010

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Hi Dena,

There is nothing you really do. She is grown. Just put it in Gods hands My daughter was in an abusive relationship when she was 16yrs old, thank God she got out of it in less than a year, he was horrible she had bruises all over her body, she would so them to me and say she don't know how they got there. I told her brothers and she lied on me and they believed her ,but now they all know he was not good.

Mary Gail - posted on 01/17/2010

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Dena - don't let your daughter go - meaning do not make her move out of the house. I was in a relationship like this; and, this was the option my Mother took. She knew he was wrong for me, but I couldn't see it. But, by not showing unconditional love, she made me think his love was the right love. I think she knows something isn't quite right because she tells you things going on with his "life." You have a man in your post. Is he significant in your daughter's life? Perhaps he can help. Are you involved in a church? Prayer is an amazing thing. If you are not, they still have prayer lines you can call, so others can pray with and for you/your daughter. I was completely paralyzed from an illness that has no known cause/cure - because of prayer I was completely healed. Do NOT let him isolate her. She will feel like you abandoned her; and, she has no choice but to stay with him. I will pray for you and your daughter. God bless you - your heart has to be breaking.

[deleted account]

That is a tough one! As long as she "thinks" that he loves her she won't see the light and the more you talk against him the more she will cling to him. I would consider getting professional help for yourself to learn how to help her. As moms we don't want to see our children hurt,but at the same time if they don't want our advice the most we can do is tell them we love them and they know where to find us if they need to. And then live your own life.She'll realize all the truths when she has no one to depend on and no one to blame but herself.

Patricia - posted on 01/16/2010

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I feel for you. I got into a similar situation where if I said I was going to the store he timed me and if I was gone to long he'd come looking for me. We got physical a few times. Then he got into drugs (again) and threatened that no one could put him out. Well he had warrants so I just called 911 and they came and got him. And I just put his stuff out & never let him back in. I know that's not always the case. Until your daughter realizes how serious the situation is (thank God she's in counseling) she won't leave. Sometimes a woman (or man) feel they can't leave for whatever reason (threats, kids, ...). Just be supportive and don't give up. Try to help her without pushing or you'll push her towards him. Hopefully she'll see him for what he is and find a way to leave him alone and get him to leave her alone (that also can be a problem).

Ann - posted on 01/16/2010

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My mum bought me and my brother up with the view of giving us enough wings so we could fly and enough roots so we knew where home was. At the moment you need to give her some "wings" whilst always ensuring that she knows that you are there with the "roots" to see her through any situation. From what you have said so far you are doing just that. Keep strong and remember that everybody has to travel their own journey in this life - it ain't a dress rehearsal. Keep telling her that she is clever, beautiful and that you love her she will get through this in her own way.

[deleted account]

Oh, Honey. I can so relate to your story. My oldest daughter now, 25 went through almost the same thing. She ended up marrying him and he became physically abusive and it took 5 yrs and another awful guy for her to leave him. Take her and get her social security number changed and tell them why. And keep her in counseling, do not kick her out, she needs you now more than ever, you are her life line, God is yours. God will give you the strength, he has me, I have had to pick up the pieces more than once. She needs to know that she does not need a man to determine her worth as a woman. She is precious a your daughter and as a child of God. She is worthy of Love that is unselfish and gentle and kind, Not selfish and destructive. If you need to talk to me in more detail I am a non-denominational pastor and christian counselor. i am at yahoo as pastor.carrie God Bless, My Prayers are with All of you.

Drucilla - posted on 01/12/2010

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Dena,



My name is Drucilla Adams and I am a victim of Domestic Violence. My children were very much where you are now. They wanted me to leave the situation but, I wouldn't. I want to give you some advice from your daughters stand point.

There is a good chance that she is suffering from what is called stockholm syndrome. Many of us abused suffer from this. He has broken herself esteem and scared her into thinking she is nothing and that he is capable of following thru with the threats. She is confused and it will take sometime for her to get past that. The best thing is to definately get her away from him. If he is doing these things to her at your home file a restraining order on her behalf. You could possibly have him arrested as well. Try to get her to speak with a counselor our your nearest domestic violence center she will do better listening to a stranger then to you. Remember most of those abused don't realize it.

I can tell her it only gets worse. I was in the relationship for five years it only go worse. I was put in the hospital twice and injured many times that I didn't go for help. This man by your description is a classic batterer.

Dena - posted on 01/12/2010

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Quoting connie:

hello dena, my name is connie, i really sympathize with you, i myself was in a domestic with my ex husband. i was married for 15 years. i couldnt have any kids with him cause of all the stress of physical and mental abuse. i couldnt tell anyone about it i kept it to myself all those years i tried to leave him many a times but he also threatened the same sort of things to kill me and chase me around. at the end of the day i ended up with three kids 8 years down the track with gods blessings, he started to hit them too that was the last straw for me. i picked up and left not knowing what he was going to do. at the end of the day your daughter needs to make the decision by herself and move away on her own. when i did it he was lost and confused he didnt think i was going to leave him. he was in a state of shock. so you know the saying never be afraid of the dog that barks, well its true, he might have said a lot or done alot but at the end of it he did nothing to try and stop me. your daughter needs to make up her own mind no amount of counselling will help her and no amount of talking or trying to convince her will help her change her mind. you need to be strong and say to her its her life and she is old enough to make her own choices. reverse pshycology sometimes works. once she knows she is on her own with no help from anyone she will finally see that there is a bigger and better world out there. the more you push her the more she will stay with him . you have to be strong and just love her for who she is and what she wants to do nothing more.she will change in the long run when there is no more interference. as for her social security number that can be changed at any time. good luck


 

Connie - posted on 01/12/2010

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hello dena, my name is connie, i really sympathize with you, i myself was in a domestic with my ex husband. i was married for 15 years. i couldnt have any kids with him cause of all the stress of physical and mental abuse. i couldnt tell anyone about it i kept it to myself all those years i tried to leave him many a times but he also threatened the same sort of things to kill me and chase me around. at the end of the day i ended up with three kids 8 years down the track with gods blessings, he started to hit them too that was the last straw for me. i picked up and left not knowing what he was going to do. at the end of the day your daughter needs to make the decision by herself and move away on her own. when i did it he was lost and confused he didnt think i was going to leave him. he was in a state of shock. so you know the saying never be afraid of the dog that barks, well its true, he might have said a lot or done alot but at the end of it he did nothing to try and stop me. your daughter needs to make up her own mind no amount of counselling will help her and no amount of talking or trying to convince her will help her change her mind. you need to be strong and say to her its her life and she is old enough to make her own choices. reverse pshycology sometimes works. once she knows she is on her own with no help from anyone she will finally see that there is a bigger and better world out there. the more you push her the more she will stay with him . you have to be strong and just love her for who she is and what she wants to do nothing more.she will change in the long run when there is no more interference. as for her social security number that can be changed at any time. good luck

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