After 28 years of marriage. Without warning, my husband was caught in an 1yr affair. Now he has left our house and moved in with her. Nor even a single look back. My older sons 28,2 and

Lori - posted on 10/13/2011 ( 25 moms have responded )

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My husband of 28 years blindsided the whole family with an affair. He then moved in with the GF. my sons 24,26, and 29 are stunned and dissapointes in their father for doing this to our family. We weren't the Waltons, but far from "unfixable" since moving out he has had little to do especially with our 11yr old daughter who
Misses her Daddy, very very much. I am leery about having a lot of quick involvement because I don't know how long Dads girlfriend will last and also due to the affair I trust neither of them

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Caroline - posted on 10/17/2011

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let him rot in hell and get on with your lives with your daughter and sons. The very same thing happened to me and my daughters 3 years ago. we are one happy family without him and he is now having a miserable life with his girlfriend but without any contact whatsoever with his daughters. you will be happy again, I promise you.

Connie - posted on 11/07/2011

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You have my deepest sympathy. My husband of 21 years did the same thing last year, and didn't even have enough respect for me and our years together to look me in the face and tell me. He sent me a text message. We don't have any children of our own, but we have had custody of our granddaughter since she was 2 weeks old. She was 11 when he left; just turned 12 in May. She is disappointed and hurt, mostly because he won't even call her to talk to her, or make arrangements to see her. I would never keep her from him, and we see his family several times a week, but if she wants to talk to him, she has to call him, and he refuses to talk to me at all. I was stunned by his betrayal. Our marriage was not the stuff of fairy tales, but we had, I thought, a good stable marriage, and a good home for our little girl. It has been a horrible year for her and for me, but my best advise is to give yourself time, grieve all you want, and when YOU feel able, move on. Don't give him another chance. He hurt you once, in all likelihood he will do it again. I will love my husband until I die, but I would never take him back. I know I would have never made it through the past year if I would not have had to keep going for my granddaughter. She needs me; your children need you. People kept telling me to forget it and move on, but a year later I still break down from pain or wake up in tears. God bless you as you deal with this. Be strong.

Angie - posted on 10/18/2011

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Lori, I 'm sorry you and your family have to go through such a bad time. My thought is your daughter really needs her Dad no matter who he is with. I would have a hard time to letting my child go with her father and some lady you know nothing about!! It hurts the kids way more than it hurts the parents. My Mom and Dad were married for 25 yrs. Then on day my Mom said to my sister and I ,"I'm leaving your Dad". I was shocked,sad,angry.Our family like yours was a good family.We would take trips together. I thought my parents had a great relationship. I was one of the hardest things I have gone through in my life as a child. My Mom had no one else on the side but she found out that my Dad did and she told me, "I will not live like this",, You should never stay with someone who cheats on you no matter if you have kids nor not!" It was such a long and hard journey but It all worked out in the long run. I think for you two older kids they will be fine. As for you daughter this will affect her for the rest of her life. Please,Please if you can find some one both you and your daughter can talk to about this breaking up of your family. Sometimes parents forget about the kids, which your husband has. I know you will always be there to pick up the pieces for your kids. Stay strong, God Bless:)

Karen - posted on 10/17/2011

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I am so sorry. It is never easy at any point in a marriage, and children of your daughter's age don't understand what has happened and why. At her age she needs him but, also he needs to explain why he did this to her not you,but he will continue to be selfish. ask one of her brother to take out for a walk or dinner and ask her if she is ok and does she understand what has happened. They can help her more right now more than you can, their lose is the same and her grieving is different than what you are dealing with. Forget him! He will do it again if you let him come back because you are telling him you will do anything to keep him. Last point, I'll bet you have wonderful sons who love their sister very much and would never hurt like her father is and so let them be her roll model not a man who cheats because she will feel it's okay to let a man walk over her because dad did it.

Connie - posted on 10/15/2011

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sometimes I don't know what people are thinking, or if they are!! I hate that its (usually) the woman who is left with all the emotional & financial to deal with while daddy is having the time of his life sleeping with the new girlfriend! DUH...they are so selfish..they don't care about anyone but themselves & self satisfaction. Women have to be strong for everyone...But stay strong mom. One day the hurt will subside & you will be seen as the hero you really are. You will have the love & respect of your children & future grandchildren that dad will lose out on. Been there..done that...my ex doesn't have the honor of knowing the 3 most precious little girls in the world...but I do & that's my reward!

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Marilyn - posted on 10/29/2011

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I can completely relate to your situation. My husband of 20 years left me 2 years ago. Our daughter was 9 at the time. He claimed no affair but the cell phone bill told a different story. I'm so sorry that you are going thru this. I think it was the hardest thing I have ever been thru. Once I realized there was someone else I had to begin the painful process of getting on with my life. It does get better although after 2 years I am still not completely over it. I wish you the best.
Marilyn K

JuLeah - posted on 10/26/2011

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Ahh man, couldn't he have just bought a red sports car??? Sorry ...

Caroline - posted on 10/26/2011

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Actually, according to her email, this man left the entire family--including the 11 year old minor daughter. He doesn't want to see any of them. And I respectfully disagree. If he doesn't want to see the child, forcing it on him will be worse. He will be resentful of the child, the child will feel unloved, the child will know that he was forced to see her, etc. The best thing to do is to keep the door open in case he ever comes to his senses, but to continue like assuming the temporary decision he made is a permanent one. You can't think "what if he comes back". It will drive you crazy and you will be disappointed every day. Plus, you don't want to be one of these women who lets the guy walk all over you at his wish. IF he does want to come back, it should be with stipulations--mandatory therapy for a certain amount of time while in separate households during the transition. Chances are that without some sort of therapy, he never learned his lesson and there's nothing to prevent him from leaving you again. And without some kind of affirmation TO YOU, if you let him back in the house, you'll be paranoid every day that he's going to leave again, or that he's looking at another woman at work, etc, etc. You owe more to yourself and your children, especially since he did it once already with no warning or regard to anyone else.

Cathy - posted on 10/26/2011

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My heart aches for you, I'm so sorry. I know it is very difficult to do this but you must try to divide these feelings and realize that he left his marriage- you- not his kids. You need to not only allow but encourage your wayward man to continue to see your 11 year old and your adult children on a routine basis- whether he sees you or not. It will not be easy but your children deserve both parents.

Caroline - posted on 10/26/2011

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Lori, if it's against his wishes, be careful about insisting that he sees your daughter. The longer he doesn't see his daughter now, the easier it will be for you to get full legal and full physical custody in the event that you divorce and he contests. Believe me, you do NOT want to share physical or legal custody with a man who's selfish and doesn't care about his children. That is going to be pure hell for you and your children.



And if he stays with this woman, she will most likely be an ally for him, not you or your children. If she has her own children, guess who is going to be favored in that household every time your daughter has to see him for mandatory visitations? Let him stay away. Keep your daughter busy. You'll be MUCH better off without him.

Caroline - posted on 10/26/2011

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And Lori, that's another thing. Women are expected to keep it together despite all negative forces being thrown at her, AND they are supposed to show respect to the man (the same one who's basically abandoning the family as part of his mid-life crisis) and not say anything negative about him to the children. HE DID A NEGATIVE THING that affects your family on a daily basis. How can you ignore the big white elephant and pretend like it didn't exist?

On that note....be careful when you go through the divorce settlements. Since he's obviously shown that he cares about no one but himself, keep your guard up. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Make sure that you receive at least half of the financial assets and that you have/get enough money to support your child, who is still a minor for another 7 years. Don't be victimized TWICE.

Caroline - posted on 10/26/2011

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@ Allison--I hear ya too! This happens wayyyyyyyy too much with women/children and divorce, and the family law courts don't do anything about it. While the men are totally fine neglecting the family for their own selfish reasons, the woman has to fight to keep her children in check, and the family law don't care about any of it. They don't see or don't consider the father's actions as negative to the child.

Caroline - posted on 10/26/2011

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Yup. Exactly! Been there, done that too. Just last night, after my 13 year old daughter told my ex that his wife of 3 years treated her poorly and drove her to school late in his absence (during his custodial time), he had the audacity to tell her, "I don't appreciate you saying negative things about my wife. We are a unit, a team, and you can't break that apart." My daughter was like, "Whaaaaat? I don't care about her, you or your "unit". I'm just letting you know what happened while you were gone because you should know. I am your daughter, and you should care about me, and care to know that she got me to school late." BTW, she then said that she wants nothing to do with him anymore, and wants to stay at my house full time from now on. (Most) men seriously have real deep self-esteem, mental issues that prevent them from being giving, nurturing, protective parents that most women naturally are. I would never side with a boyfriend or a new spouse over my child--especially when it came to their safety and emotions. NEVER!

Caroline - posted on 10/26/2011

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Tell you daughter that your husband not coming around is a negative reflection on HIM, not on her. If your husband is too selfish to think of his family, I'm not sure that I would want that kind of person around my impressionable children anyway. If I don't trust or respect someone and their life choices, why would I want that kind of influence around my most prized and most important people in my life--my children? He can stay away all he wants, for all I care. Even if he came around, he'd probably be a complete different person. Do you want that kind of person around your daughter?

Caroline - posted on 10/26/2011

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This is very sad for you and I'm sorry. You can use this as a learning and teaching opportunity for your daughter (and sons) about trust, dependability, reliability, selfishness, etc. It's a good thing that your sons are disgusted by their dad's behavior. You raised them right to not be tolerant of such actions. As far as your daughter, this could just be a lesson on trusting men and being vulnerable. I recently saw a saying "I may get the courage to forgive you, but until further notice, I definitely do not trust you."

Lori - posted on 10/18/2011

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My daughter and I are seeing a counsellor and it has been good for her to be able to open up to someone without feeling like she is betraying me or hurting my feelings. I would love for her Dad to spend time with her, but even when I ask him to he claims he's too busy. I am leery about her spending time with his GF because I don't want her to get attached and then get hurt. But I would allow it if it meant time with her Dad. She feels very abandoned and he just doesn't care to believe how she feels. I have even invited him to talk to her and the counsellor but he refuses saying that counselling is hogwash and doesn't help.
My daughter invited him also but he won't go. I think deep down he's ashamed of himself and doesn't want anyone telling him he did anything wrong.

SAC - posted on 10/18/2011

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Bless you...it's not an easy road. Wow, after all those years and boom. It is extremely hard once you have devoted that many years to someone and they turn their back without any rhyme or reason. Sounds as if insecurity in being a man hit him...you know...the proverbial mid-life crisis. Marriages often go stale after so many years. It takes two to keep it going and working. I have never walked through the aspect of my husband leaving...though he did have an affair years ago and we made it through it...but I do have one that is more married to a TV than me anymore. I am just the staple around the house that takes care of everything (no kidding) that he doesn't want to take care of...which includes all shopping, paying bills, cleaning home, cooking, laundry and most repairs...sigh. Does me no good to complain now...I actually left earlier this year and came back way too soon...he is still married to his TV and it quickly bounced right back into the same rut for me. Some days, it really gets to me and I get depressed (other things are causing that too...so it just makes it worse). I just try to move forward and work on making myself better, stronger and more independent.

If you find that you are falling into the depression a little too much...perhaps this might give you tips to help... http://www.squidoo.com/finding-your-way-...



This too, Shall pass...

It's not easy, after the kids are grown, you start thinking you will finally have time to do the things you gave up to raise them (of course you still have one left at home, but it was just around the corner) and something like this happens. Whether you let him back into your life when the 2 to 3 years of newness in the relationship ends and his blinders come off is purely your own choice. No one here can tell you what is right for you. You may be able to forgive (I don't think we ever forget) and build a stronger relationship, but I wouldn't wait on it to happen. For your own sanity....TAKE CARE OF YOU! Time has a way of taking care of the pain and fortunately you do have one child left at home that depends on you. This can be a life-saving ring of sorts...because she needs you, it will help you pull the focus off of your own heartache some as you try to help her through this terrible time.

Stand strong...

Just a little something I came across once...



Be Brave/Strong. Even if you are not, pretend to be. No one will know the difference!



My prayers are with you and your children. I hope time helps to heal your wounds...who knows, maybe he opened the door for someone who will bring you a happiness in your golden years that you never would have known otherwise.

Alicia - posted on 10/18/2011

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I know how u feel. Just pray and the Lord will fix it for you. L Let go and let God.

Lourdes - posted on 10/18/2011

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Lori, I am sorry for the pain you and your family are experiencing, know that it gets better, be strong, your kids are counting on you to be strong, I know my daughter was the only one who inspired me to keep it together when my exhusband left (and she was only 2!) I took strength from the love I have for her...time heals everything , I remarried to a wonderful guy (when my daughter was 7) he could not be more special and has been a father figure to her, the years have passed so quickly (my daughter is now 22) and I think back sometimes and reflect; we can never control the actions of others only our own, so as difficult as it may sound, don't look back...your family will thank you for it, I wish you well and pray that God gives you the strength you need, God Bless you♥

Allison - posted on 10/17/2011

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Amen to what Connie said. I have an ex who gets his kids cause he has to on his wkend. Having trouble with new wife tho and hes taking her side. But I dont have to involve my children around her. Its his loss not mine!!

Lori - posted on 10/14/2011

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Just dealing with my own depression and heartbreak without showing it to the kids is so difficult. It's hard just to put one foot in front of the other.

Louise - posted on 10/14/2011

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Lori men are such shits! I am so sorry this has happend to you, you are left dealing with emotional children as well as your own pain. All I can suggest is to write to your husband and tell him that his daughter needs to see him regularly and that she is hurting. Tell him he can access to her without you being there if he wishes but he does need to pull his finger out and help with his daughters emotional needs. Then go to the solicitors and get maintenants for her and you. This may be a short lived thing, but really would you want him back after such a public slap to the heart. Probably at the moment the answer is yes but in a few months time you will have established a life without him and will think differently. My advice is don't rush into anything at the moment, send the letter to let him know the damage he is doing to his daughter and leave it at that. Stay strong! xx

Rhonda - posted on 10/13/2011

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Thats Awful Men just dont care sometimes! U are right to proceed with caution they are new to this and the girlfriend may or may not be permanant so give it a while tell him he can come see them at ur home for right now even though the sight probably makes u eerie the kids need to know he is still there for them no matter what

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