any tips on how to diffuse tensions between 25y/o son and stepfather?

Dawn - posted on 12/06/2011

Im glad you 3 were able to sit down and make some progress. I agree with everything Ive read so far. Unless there is a disability issue, your son should be working at any and all jobs he can find. He and his own self-esteem cant allow him to be picky. In some areas of the country, it is very difficult to find a job. In that case, he should be enrolled in college or some kind of training program that will make him marketable in the current job market. There are parts of the country that have help wanted signs all over the place. Look around. In the long run, it will be less costly to help him get on his own 2 feet even if it requires some initial investment. While he is at your house, the very least he could do is half the work involved in taking care of the house and home. He should even be volunteering to do extra. Its hard for young people to see what needs to be done, so a "Honey Do" list might be helpful. He is a grown man. He can repair the gutters, paint the trim, fix the fence, weed the flowerbed. Anything he can do to contribute to taking care of the house and family will make all of you feel better about the situation, especially him. BTW, he should not get paid for this stuff. We take care of our own environment because we live there, not because we get paid too. He is already getting paid by having a place to live. Good luck. I have a 20yr old family member that just moved in with me because there are jobs where I live. He is trying to get started being on his own and will just live here temporarily. Im a single mom and am paying all the bills so I understand where your husband is coming from. Fortunately, I feel a lot of respect from this 20yo and he is very helpful. Its still not always easy.

Adrianne - posted on 11/29/2011

Hi ladies, thank you all for taking the time to reply :-)
I would gladly ask my son to move out tommorow if he had somewhere to go, I will not put him on the streets, if tough love means throwing him out on the streets well then soft mummy love it is. I know how unfair it is on hubby to have to deal with and I've had many sleepless nights trying to figure out what to do.
My son is actively looking for work and he does pay a portion of his unemployment cheque to me as board. Since posting this we have had a sit down with the three of us and laid down some ground rules, which so far he has been following so there is hope for us :-)
You all make very valid points and i thank you for taking the time to comment, we are on a better footing now than we were :-)

Shannon - posted on 11/28/2011

What is the plan with the 25 yr old? He is an adult and it sounds like he has no responsibility at all - so your husband is supporting three adults and a 5 yr old - which is a big burden. Clearly, you respect your husband and it shows in all that you do every day - the disrespect of your 25 yr old also shows in what he isn't doing. If you re-read what you wrote "doesn't work, doesn't help out around the house and gets bossy with his sister" those can't be things that you like - so I would say to figure out what you see happening down the road and make a plan. For example: set a deadline for him to make some big changes. Give him a certain amount of time to get a job - say a month, then another couple of months to save then time to move out.
Your inaction on this is going to continue to create a wedge between you and your husband IMHO. Good luck! :)

Vickie - posted on 11/22/2011

yes, It's a man thing. There can only be one in the house. This is your husband's house. He is the king in his castle. he gets to set the rules and you have to agree to them. It's time for your son to grow up and take care of himself. You are doing him a big disservice by allowing him to be disrespectful to your husband, stay home and not contribute to the household by either working or helping out around the house. Your son should be able to support himself by now. Unless he has some sort of disability.Your husband has the right idea. The three of you need to have a talk. and be in agreement. Set a date. a deadline for your son to either move out or start paying rent. 3 months is long enough to find a job. The question is are you willing to do what is best for your family at this time? Can you respect your husband and support him in his decision to ask your son to move out? Can you use tough love with your son? and get him motivated to be the best that he can be? Either in your home or in his own place? Don't be afraid to lose your son. He may surprise you and thank you later for encouraging him to move on with his life and not enable him to stay where he is. I would, however, be afraid of losing a husband in this situation. It is not right to put your kids first. The kids need to know that the marriage relationship comes first. Would you choose your husband over child? tough to do I know. But this is God's plan for our lives. Marriage is God's idea. When you have your priorities straight. God will bless all your relationships.

Michelle - posted on 11/22/2011

Well first off at age 25 your son should definitely be encouraged to go get a job he can't live with you for the rest of his life. If it were me I would be charging my child room and board he is an adult and should have to learn adult responsibilities. Yes you may not be worried but sounds like your husband is worried that your son is never going to grow up until you as his mom makes him. All kids grow up and leave home you need to think about your new family and your son needs to start living his life independantly.

Kim - posted on 11/22/2011

not much clashing, but husband is insecure and threatened. he doesn't understand that my sons are my children and in no way compare to what he is to me as my husband. it is a very sad situation.