Are you part of the "sandwhich"generation??

Sandy - posted on 02/22/2011

I was an only child and took care of my mom and dad basically till their dying day. It was hard. My dad had organic brain snydrome and was in diapers at 70. We had to turn him often so he wouldn't get bed sores than we had to put him in a nursing home. His body became dead weight and we couldn't turn him. I understand where you are at. Fortunately, my husband at that time was a good help at least to talk to and my mom was sort of complaint of whatever I could do for them. They lived with us. After my dad passed away, my mom got lymphoma and passed away within the next year. I don't know of any support groups out there but this is a good website to come to talk things out. I never had any regrets on how I handled them. I just wanted to say hang in there, try talking to your mother if she's willing. We only hope that our children will be there for us someday like we were there for our parents.

Kimberly - posted on 02/21/2011

http://www.caregiver.com/
http://helpguide.org/elder/caring_for_ca...

Kathryn - posted on 02/21/2011

There are organizations in your community who can give you moral support. I am not a care giver personally, but my aunt cares for my mother-in-law who is diabetic and on
dialysis. A care giver's support group has contacted my aunt on several occasions to invite her to join them and get an occasional break. They provide a competent individual to stay with my mother-in-law while my aunt gets a little time away and is able to talk to other care givers about the stress etc. You might contact some of the home help providers in your area and ask them if they know of such an organization. Also, a local counseling center may be able to provide you with information about a care givers support group. I admire you for what you are doing. It's difficult to be in your position.

Randi - posted on 02/20/2011

What about Hos pis coming and helping out, thats what we had when my mom had lung cancer for 7 yrs. The last 3yrs was really rough. I had another sister to help me too and thats makes a big difference. They'll just come in and let you and your mom go out for a few hours, go to lunch or something. You might could try your church to if you didn't want to go that way. good luck randi

Ginamarie - posted on 02/20/2011

Ann,
Thank you for your response.I will look into respite care services. My problem is that my mother is not willing to have outside help. She is aware enough and sharp enough that I can't challenge her legally about mental status . I talked to the wound care nurse that has made visits to check on my father's sores. She commented to me that my mom MAY "let" her come once a week to check on my dad-but she sees what I see- in my mother's refusal for outside help. I was crushed when the nurse said what everyone else has said 'Your mother is never going change" and he's "nowhere near THE end- but things will never get better--but we can slow down the time it takes for things to get bad" The reason this statement is important is that affects my dad's qualifications for hospice care- at least if covered by insurance.Although I am not emotionally close to my mother anymore, I adore my dad-- but I'm not sure if I can take 10 more years of this.(I just turned 50- but don't feel that old) I have no siblings and relatives ( mom's brother) doesn't see why I am struggling- that this is "just getting old" ( he's a retired doctor) My purpose for establishing this post was to see if anyone else out there was also struggling-- so far I have received a lot of wonderful advice,but still feel I am the only one struggling--that everyone else seems to have it pretty much under control. Thanks again for the advice- I appreciate it all!

Ann - posted on 02/20/2011

How about Respite care services? or a local hospital would be able to get you in touch with the Visiting Nurse Association....I hope this helps as I live with my mom(73) and my husband parents are older also(79 +84) both have had recent illnesses that have required sibling help.

Michelle - posted on 02/17/2011

I too work in healthcare. There are support groups for caregivers/families. Check with your local hospice for more information regarding caregiver support. As for the abuse - contact Adult Protective Services. They will definitely make sure your mom is monitored. You are not doing yourself or your dad any favors by ignoring/accepting your mom's behavior. Ultimately, you could be held responsible for not seeking outside help.

Ginamarie - posted on 02/16/2011

Stephanie-
My Dad has dialysis three days a week and has wound care once a week- aside from interspersed doctor's appointments. I do not think my mom and dad would go for adult day care- and quite honestly, I'm not sure he's physically up to it. There is a senior center down the road and we have used their transportation services on many occasions. My mom doesn't acknowledge that she needs time to recoup--she just needs me to be" more helpful" around the house- so she says. My mother was a community organizer and she has worked extensively with
Senior Citizens- so she is very aware of the resources available to her. My parents do have a living trust and I am mentioned as trustee if BOTH parents are incapable of making decisions on their own behalf. I have mentioned before asking my cousins ( their nieces) to help when dad was sick or just out of the hospital and my mom said that they had their own lives and that we'd be just fine. The fact that I am unemployed seems to affirm to my mother that there is no need for outside help-- that's what I'm there for.
I am not emotionally close to my mother anymore, so telling her how I feel ( I do that often) seems to fall on deaf ears. I even asked a dear friend of my mother's to give me advice on how to handle her.. or maybe even talk to her (he is also a social worker) but all I got in return is "your mother is never going to change". Hurt and defeated, I never asked anyone that knew my mother for help again. I am still looking for resources and am considering talking to her main physician about what REALLY goes on in this house. My concern is that she would know that it was I who had talked to her doctor- and that would have disasterious results back here at home. If it sounds like my mom has been physical with me and my sons, she has in the past.( Just me and my youngest son) older son seems to have escaped her wrath. There are many supports for seniors.. and seniors who are being abused-- and their are some caregiver programs, but they don't go far enough an they don't seem to apply to my situation. But no one ever considers Senior that abuse( physically, emotionally ) their caregivers.
Thanks for caring,Stephanie.

Stephanie - posted on 02/15/2011

What about day care time for your Dad so you and your Mom can have time to recoup? There are a lot of these programs in many cities. There should be some time of support groups in your town, church, county etc. Can you get your Mom to let you have some legal standing in case they both go down hill then what? What about any other relatives helping, nephews, nieces etc.?

Ginamarie - posted on 02/15/2011

Louise
Elderly parents AND a potty -training 2-year old? Wow. I want to be you when I grow up! May I ask a question? With regards to caring for his aging parents, where is your husband in all of this? I am referring to helping you talk to his parents about moving closer. I understand they want to keep their independence and their lives as they know ( or remember) it. You must love them ( and your husband) very much to be doing this virtually all by yourself. You said that your Mother in law is going into the hospital on Friday. Is it possible for you to stay at you In-laws while she in the hospital ? could you take your 2 year old with you for that period of time? ( I don't know if you have other kids or work outside the house) If it's possible, I'd suggest it- just to eliminate some of the wear and tear on YOU. it might speed up the potty training, if you weren't always on long trips in the car.
With regards to my mother-- She HAS done it all by herself-- and she will tell me that she can do it again.. but with me it's just easier. I took my son up to college not long ago, and stayed up there around three days... I had told my neighbors to keep an eye out on them and told them where I was going. When I came back, they were both still living ( a good thing) but my mom could HARDLY move and hurt so bad it took her 4 days of near inactivity to regain her strength. I had asked her if the neighbors had said hi ( didn't use the words "check in on") and she had said yes, and that she refused all offers of help- reassuring everyone she could do it herself. So no one asked after that. My concern is that something will happen to her while helping my dad and that will leave them both helpless, being that my dad is an amputee and limited to only his wheelchair. One day I came home and found the paramedics parked outside my house. My neighbors told me it was my dad- I raced inside and found them picking my dad up off the floor. My mom was transferring him from his wheelchair to his recliner and slipped- and my dad was on the floor-mom couldn't pick him up , so she called the paramedics. Everyone was fine--the paramedics were very kind to all of us.( My parents belong to a Fire-Med program through our city- so paramedic calls and visits are free). My dilemma is not that my mom CAN'T do it-- it's that she can- but she SHOULDN'T. It is tearing her apart physically and emotionally--which she takes out (verbally) on my father and me. I am going to try and talk to my mom's doctor and tell her what is REALLY going on.
Louise, I hope all goes well with your mother in law- and I hope you make some time for yourself- you have a lot on your plate, and I don't want you burning out. If you'd like to chat, I'm here. It's a comfort knowing that I'm not the only one going through this. Take Care!

Louise - posted on 02/15/2011

I understand to some extent what you are going through I also have grown sons but I also have a 2 year old I am the only daughter to my parents as my brother lives the other side of the country and is no help. I am also the only daughter in law to my parents in laws as there daughter died. My parents in law are approaching there 80's and have numerous health problems and I am left juggling the lot. I live over an hours drive from my parents in law and they refuse to move any closer but still want the help. My mother in law is going into hospital for 5 days on Friday and I am going to be driving back and forth with my 2 year old that is potty training every day. Joy. I did send Age Concern to there house that has surveyed the house and said they can have bath rails, hadn rails outside the door and numerous kitchen gadgets to help them stay independant at home along with a disabled parking badge to help them park closer to the shops. This was some help.

I read that your mum was a social worker and knows all about what is available to her but I would of thought that her being in her 80's things have moved on. Surely she is entitled to a home help to assist with the care of your father for a few hours a day! Make a call and find out what actually there is available today and then explain to your mother that it is to much for you and you need help. She may be stubborn but she is not blind to how hard you are working to keep them healthy. If your mum thinks she can manage then don't go around for a couple of hours and let her manage alone and she will soon realise that she is being selfish if she does not allow you to get some help.

It is not nice being the only one everybody relies on it is a lot of pressure and at some point you are going to need a break.

Ginamarie - posted on 02/14/2011

Jennifer-
Thank you for responding-- my mom was a social worker and her speciality was community organization- tell the community what and where the resources are. However, I guess when it comes to he husband, she thinks that she can do it all. I've brought up the idea of home health care coming in a couple of times a week- but I think she would see it as an intrusion and and my moms seems to think she knows almost as much as the aides do- she comes from a medical family. We had a therapist from the Wound Care Center come by and tend to my dad- after she had finished,I talked to her privately about the situation- she said that mom is pushing herself too hard and putting both her and my dad in jepordy. She is also looking into any support groups in the area for me. I was grateful-- I haven't heard from her regarding any of the groups, but just the fact that someone saw first hand what's going on here gave me validation and didn't make me feel like I was Nurse Fletcher in One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest.
I ask the mom's ( and dad ) out there- WHY are there no support for groups for caregivers and the FAMILIES of caregivers? those of us out there feel alone and isolated- and we feel guilty for being resentful of the demands and the stress. If anyone is interested in starting such a support group..let me know. Thanks, Jen for caring

Jennifer - posted on 02/14/2011

I understand your struggles although I am not in that situation I have done home health care work for years and just so you know there are places where you can get help but I might suggest to try to get home care so that you can get out sometimes it will help relieve some of the stress for you anf your mom good luck