At the end of the rope and no idea

Kris - posted on 01/25/2010 ( 51 moms have responded )

3

16

0

Hi,
I am 45 years old with a 6 year old daughter. My daughter is in 1st grade. The school she attends provdes each student with a behavior tag for the day. Green for good, yellow not good, red, getting worse, blue really bad.
For the past 2 weeks my daughter has not had a green day. She has been yellow and red. I have done time outs, taken ALL toys away, TV, games, friends, time outs and yes spanked (for those who don't believe in spanking, deal with it, I got spanked and survived, so will she.)
She was grounded for the past weekend. No TV, toys, friends, nothing. She was told to behave and listen to her teachers and warned more punishment would happen if she didn't get a green today.
She's blue. The worst color.
I don't know what to do. I have taken everything away except clothes and food. I have talked and talked and talked and have no other punishments left in me.
How do I get her to understand she HAS to listen and do as her teachers say? How do I get her to behave? She's a smart girl. She has no problems with any of the school work. If anything she is bored. The school system doesn't do G&T until later grades so she has to stay where she is. I have never had this trouble for so long before. She wasn't always on green every day, every week but she has never misbehaved for two weeks straight. At most a day or two of no greens and then back to green for a stretch.
Does anyone have any ideas on how to get her to understand and what other punishments I can use?
FYI.. she already does chores, helps cook dinner, clean it up and behaves great the whole time. She always does with me and her Aunt. It is just at school I am having the problems.
Any information would be appreciated as I am at the end of the rope and have no where to go except further insane.
Thanks.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Christine - posted on 02/04/2010

1

0

0

GET HER OUT OF THAT SCHOOL IMMEDIATELY. What kind of a school would allow such terrible negative-based behavior modification? I'm not sure what state you live in but most have open enrollment. Find another school that uses positive reinforcement - such as rewards for good behavior rather than marking them as problem children.

From everything your describe, your daughter is perfectly well-behaved at home - helping out and acting like a normal 6-year-old. So I honestly don't think the problem is with her - it's with the school (or maybe the teacher).

Find another school or homeschool for a year. Report the school to your state departement of education. Their system is just wrong.

I am a 41-year-old mom with 3 kids (9, 3, 2). Positive reinforcement is a much better motivator than wearing a tag announcing behavior.

Kate - posted on 02/08/2010

1

15

0

Hi! 41, have a 6 year old who spent three weeks on black (the equivqlent of your blue) Dad is 56 and definitely recycled with this one!.. We found punishment didnt work, BUT, Dad started picking her up on Fridays with the understanding that if she stayed on green thru the whole week, just the two of them would get to have McDonald's for dinner together on the way home from school. the first week was tough, but now its their regular routine and she's having great success. Maybe just start with 1 day at a time and something she likes at home, or just go for the gusto like dad did and see what flies. GOOD LUCK.

Tuesday - posted on 02/06/2010

1

0

0

Hi Kris,
First and foremost, your school system sucks, they should in no way be labeling children like that, its cruel and distroys their self-esteem which is very important for them right now. Second, is school the only time she has what the school calls a "behavior problem'? If so be careful the school system gets more money from the state and local government for labeling children with ADD/ADHD and Behavior disorders, what ever you do don't let them. They labeled my oldest with a behavioral disorder until I bought this book by Dr. Doris Rapp called "Is This Your Child", I highly reccommend this book for all parents. My husband and I eliminated all foods with red food coloring added first and within a week they had to eat their words. We soon found out though that we had to eliminate all food coloring additives period. We choose to eliminate the food coloring for both our sons to avoid any problems and animosity between them. You have to read food labels carefully as red is a favorite to use as a color enhancement, especially in cake mixes. There are foods and drinks out there without them, for example: Malt-O-Meal cereal in the bags (lots cheaper than a box), and I believe it was the Capri Sun brand they could drink in place of kool-aid. We bought them gifts for Valentines, Easter, Halloween and Christmas, when ever candy was the norm for a holiday. For those who are wondering, NO our sons did not have a problem with not getting any candy what so ever, and they were careful not to eat it when given it at school either. I hope this helps you and anyone else who reads this. Good luck.

Mary Lou - posted on 02/04/2010

1

1

0

I agree with Angelina about going into school and observing to find out what is really going on? Have you sat down with her and ask her how she feels when she goes to school? It is hard for kids to express their feelings and tell you that there is something bothering them in school. I have found with having 4 childern, 9 times out of 10 it is either the teacher/child connection or peer connections inside the classroom. Don't be so quick to punish her as it seems she may be acting out due to things going on in the classroom. My son had a kindergarten teacher that was new in her job and could not control the more stronger willed boys. My son started to act out in class and we could not understand why until my husband started to volunteer in the classroom and found out that this teacher was just too controlling and got into struggles with the more active and stronger willed childern. Also talk to the other parents because you will find that other childern may be having the same issues but teachers won't tell you those things. They will make you feel that your child is the only one whice is not always the class. When my son went into first grade I discovered from the other mothers that their childern were also having issues in that kindergarten classroom and that they had complained to the principal. I knew nothing of this until a year later. That teacher was taken out of her job 2 years later because she was not the right fit to teach younger childern. There are so many great teachers out there but there are also teachers who for a variety of reasons just do not click with your child. Open up the conversations and ask for resources at the school to help you try to understand what is going on.

Theresa - posted on 02/04/2010

1

1

0

I like the idea of rewarding her for the green days. But I would also ask her why she misbehaves...but it's probably because she's bored. She probably won't realize it, but if you can lead her through some situations to get her to realize what makes her act out, then maybe she can become aware of what starts her being bored and she can make a better choice. I know she's 6, but don't underestimate her understanding this on a child's level - she sounds smart enough to get it. Also, is there another child in the class that she does not like or maybe is jealous of? That could be a factor. And I would definitely talk to the teacher and ask her what's going on and for suggestions. The teacher is supposed to be your ally in this and if you get him/her in on solving the problem, then you may change how the teacher looks at your child. If he/she won't do anything then you have a clue into the teacher's attitude and/or stress level and/or ability to manage the class. But there also may be things going on in the teacher's life that any little thing sets hin/her off. So talking with the teacher may give clues to that. If you just sense indifference or perhaps a dislike of your child, I'd go to the principal - not dogging the teacher - but asking if they have any ideas. The more you can get on your "team" to help guide your child to her good potential (including the child herself) the better things can turn out.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

51 Comments

View replies by

Kim - posted on 03/31/2014

1

0

0

hi im a 29 year old I have a 6 year old boy and 1 year old girl... well my son I think needs help .. even the conclers at school cant get through to him .. he hits spits .. says mean words ... destroys any thing he gets a hold of ... he is a loving boy . has a wonderful stepdad that's been here for 4 years takes him fishing . playing ball every thing swimming camping . we show him love just as much love as his little sister/ he loves her a lot .. his real dad been gone for some years he talks to him and sees him.. my son is so sweet .. he helps he is so cool// but at school and at any one elses house well ill say this hardly any one wants him to stay the hour let alone the night even his grandmas don't know what too do. he helps a lot in side with me and out side with me he plays he has a few friends so he is a good child but he don't listen to teachers .just when he is not home he is not the same person ... I don't know what to do with him... .in the last 2 mths school calls me to come get him .. cause of his spiting or hiting or destroys the class room my child need help and I don't know what to do... please help thanks

Dawn - posted on 07/26/2013

4

0

1

I am at a loss too, tried everything, right down to explaining that kids that do exactly what they were told not to when parents turn their back end up in prison. My husband and i have made a hard decision after magic marker was found all over the couch. The day after my step son burned me really bad with a sparkler. I feel awful, but we are done with it. We are turning him over to the state. He is destructive in some way every day, and doesn't care what you tell him, he does what he wants to, just as soon as you walk out of the room. My husband has had full custody of him for 7 months now and i guess he was so awful to his mother and stabbed her cat with a pencil. I know it seems harsh, but sometimes its for the best for every one. I'm sure this isn't even an option you have considered.

Pam - posted on 02/08/2010

3

5

0

Have you tried talking to your pediatrician? Maybe there is something medically wrong that you haven't thought of. Also, you could look into her diet. Also, positive reinforcement gets you a lot more than negative attention.

Michele - posted on 02/08/2010

24

44

3

If does not have problems with here school work, she is bored and they need to give here something else to do to keep her busy. my son was the same way we took things away from him he did even care, nothing to him. If she does the work at home maybe the tacher cam give her a task a school to keep her busy.pick up papers, sweep , floors etc, see if that works.

Danielle - posted on 02/07/2010

36

19

0

Well, someone has probably already posted this, but it may be helpful to come up with a strategy with the teacher. Her teacher spends as much time as you do with her and has most likely seen everything. I'm wondering if the teacher has even contacted you? If the teacher hasn't, then maybe the problem isn't just your daughter. I've had a few issues with my daughter and after just a couple days of acting up, her teacher will contact me and we nip it in the bud immediately. Her just knowing we are talking straightens her right out. I'm sure everything will be fine with her so try not to worry so much. I know that's easier said than done. :-)

[deleted account]

My son has a little behavior problem in school too. He's in third gade and insists on acting like the class clown. Sometimes he disrupts the class during a lesson. The teacher wasn't telling me everytime he was doing this, so I didn't know. I too have had to take away his toys and xbox privleges but it didn't work. He still continued to do it. I finally came up with a solution by telling him that everytime he behaved , he would get new pokeman cards which he loves alot. It finally started working. Every now and then he still does this and he doesn't get his cards but he finally started calming down when he sees that he doesn't get his cards if he doesn't behave. My son is very smart like your daughter and I believe he is bored too. Maybe you can ask your daughters teacher to give her a side project that will keep her mind occupied and she won't get into trouble. Also have you made sure that nothing different is going on in school, like she may be hanging out with a new friend and getting in trouble with this new friend. My son was hanging out with some of the trouble makers of the class and becoming one himself. Good luck with your daughter and just know, she'll grow out of it eventually.

Christine - posted on 02/07/2010

1

3

0

Hi, I'm 42 with a 5 year old who has just started school. They are struggling to get her to stay in class and to pay attention. I agree with Robyn. Try draw a chart for her giving her a star or a sticker for every green day. Let her fill it in and praise her for good days. She should respond to that. Give her a treat if she gets 3 green days in a week, a goal to work towards.
You're not alone, hang in there

VIVIENNE - posted on 02/04/2010

3

23

0

speak to her teacher to find out what is actually happening in the classroom, after that you will have more information to ask your daughter why she is doing these things, i agree with the other mothers that the teacher could be the cause of the problems, one of my kids had a teacher that she did not like, i never knew about it until she started not wanting to attend school, the teacher was very mean to her & she was not behaving whilst in class due to how she was feeling, when she no longer had that teacher her behavour improved because she had a teacher she liked & one that made her feel good about herself, i would look into this matter further & not punish her for what happens at school until you find out why she is playing up, also i agree with getting an adult she trusts to speak with her to find out more, kids alway have things they don't want to tell mum & dad, but will tell someone they are close to or trust,this way you will be able get to the bottom of this problem

Patty - posted on 02/04/2010

9

2

0

Have you asked her why? Is she getting more attention for being in trouble or does she get equally rewarded for being good. If 1/2 the day is at school and she is messing around, but 1/2 the day at home is more well behaved than you may just need to work on some adjustments in her schedule. Allowing her the time to goof off, be silly, be by herself, be challenged when she is at home. Continue to include the lessons of actions = consequences and taking responsibilty. If she is bored help her to get creative and excited about something in school that she can also take home to share. It's alot but if she is a smart kid and you can be patient, ask and listen I think you can turn it around...

Kris - posted on 02/03/2010

3

16

0

One again, thanks for all the responses.
To answer as many questions I as I can.
She is getting in trouble for not listening, interupting, talking when they are to be quiet, touching other kids (though at points it isother kids touching her first).
I have called the school and requested the teacher to call me. I have not had a response. Parent/Teacher conferences are in two weeks. No, I do not want to wait that long, but I am a single mother and I have to work during the day. We are in a high crunch at work and taking off would not be a great idea as people are being let go all over the place. I work 45 minutes from the school and to try and do this during the lunch hour is not feasible and would disrupt the class.
I have talked with my daughter extensively about bully's, the teacher, teasing, etc. She gets teased like most kids, periodically kids will pick on kids. There has not been any outstanding teasing, kidding, bullying going on. She likes her teacher except when she caught misbehaving.
As for letting the school deal with it, NO. Schools are there to teach kids not raise them for the parents. They are not responsible for all aspects of rearing a child. The are responsible for teaching math, writing, reading, etc. I have seen way to many parents ignore outbursts like this and letting the child get away with it. That is NOT acceptable to me. I, as a parent, am responsible for ensuring my child has respect for the individual, knows right from wrong, and the rest of lifes lessons. It is NOT the teachers responsiblity for any of that. I believe that is half the problem with todays kids. The parents expect all learnings to come out of the school and that is not what the schools are for. They are for education. Not the rearing of children.
I do reward my daughter. When she has been good and behaves, we have LOTS of fun. We play games together, go out to eat, go to arcades, toys, etc. She earns the rewards though. If she does something extra special, it is rewarded. I also encourage her all the time. I have told her thousands of times how smart she is, how good she is at math, reading, whatever. Each night we do homework, I compliment her on how well she has done something.
As for the chores, my daughter actually likes dusting, sweeping and mopping. Yes, I have to go back over things sometimes, but she does like doing it and has fun. Especially with the Swfter Wet Jet. And yes, my floors are really wet and have to be re-mopped, but she helped and that's what matters to me.
I want her to know and learn these things early in life so she will take them with her as she grows up. It's how I learned and it worked for me. I was cooking full meals by the time I was nine. My mother was handicapped and needed help. It was up to me and my sister to step up to the line. We had a lot of hot dogs in those days but we got better and better.
My daughter especially LOVES to cook. She gets to sprinkle spices and pour cans out, she can stir a simmering pot and help put all the ingredients together. She loves mixing things together to find out how they taste. How many 6 year olds do you know who know the difference between garlic, oregano, Italian spices, cumin, etc. She has even stated she wants to be cook when she grows up. Along with being a scientist, firefighter, police officer,ballet dance and a host of other professions. The more she knows, the better her chance will be of finding what she will love to do for the rest of her life. I won't hold her back and will encourage her every step of the way.
At this time, we have had only one bad day since the last report.
I see sunny days ahead and will hope the little rain clouds pass quickly by.
Again, thanks to all of you for your responses.

Tamara - posted on 02/02/2010

1

0

0

You said that you need her to understand that she HAS to listen and do as her teacher say. The fact is that she doesn't HAVE to. She has absolutely proven that. This maybe more of a power play than a real behavioral problem. You might think that punishment is unpleasant and therefore she will stop, but infact when you become upset, especially to the point where you spank her, SHE is the one in control not you. Instead of piling on the punishment come up with one punishment that fits the circumstances, perhaps depending on the color of the day it could be more severe. Also have a reward for when the day is green. When she chooses to misbehave instead of becoming upset become very condoning. Say things like "Wow I am so sorry that you made these bad choices, now you won't be able to watch TV tonight." If she chooses to misbehave every day you should become even more sympathetic to her about the consequences that she must now face. Believe it or not this works way better than become upset and trying to "make" her behave. Quickly she learns that she is not controlling you at all the only thing that she is controlling is whether she is receiving consequences or not. Good Luck!

Roby - posted on 02/01/2010

19

8

1

Is she being teased on the playground? Are the teachers aware of any conflicts with other children, maybe asking her and her teachers where a potential problem may lie. She may be getting bullied and nobody knows about it but her. If this is the case she might be told to keep her mouth closed by the child or children doing it to her. Kids can be mean, and when our kids are the product of that type of situation, they will lash out. Instead of taking things away from her, maybe ask her if there are kids she is afraid of, or that she doesn't like. Even at this age, a child will protect their parent (in a sense), they don't want us to worry about them, so therefore they don't talk. Hope it helps, and good luck

Julie - posted on 02/01/2010

16

13

1

I had this problem with my oldest when he was in 1st grade too. I took away the things he liked to do. He had a tv in his room, we took it out. He had games and treats he liked, they were taked way till he got a greens for an entire. Gave stuff back for the weekend and if he came home Monday with something else other than green stuff came back out and stayed out till end of following week. If greens he got stuff back, if not he didnt. He got tired of his stuff being taken away , the had it now its gone, he realized i meant business and changed his behavior half way through school. I think the thing that works is being firm and consistant. At this age, they are testing their limits because their life is changing and the world is expecting more out of them. School didnt want to work with me. They thought they were right with this form of discipline even though it obviously wasnt workin for them.

User - posted on 02/01/2010

3

32

0

Seems like you have made your child responsible with chores, cooking, cleaning, she does all of the work that is required of her at school. When does she have fun??? What is it that she is doing? What is she doing so wrong that she deserves punishment for at home when she is already being demoted at school with color changes. She is only 6 years old she is doing everything you want her to do and meeting all of her responsibilities at school. We want our kids to stand up for themselves, to be independent, so they can make it in this world(we want them to be leaders) and the minute they start doing it we chastize them, punish them and demote them,and try to make them submisive. If she is perfect at home enjoy her don't punish her again for something she did at school, something you don't even know about. Let the teacher deal with what she does at school, if you don't like it or you truly think she is out of control, find her a different teacher, they should be the experts in crowed control not you...

Amy - posted on 02/01/2010

20

12

4

As adults we sometimes forget to stop being upset that our children are not being perfect. I went through this issue with my son, I was mortified. What I found out shocked me, the teacher did not like my child and was punishing him for everything, even dropping a pencil.

Stop punishing for a minute and talk to your child, adults are not always in the right. Your child may be experiencing some sort of "discrimination" from her teacher that you are not aware of. Look into the situation, it might not be your child that is in the wrong.

Yvonne - posted on 01/31/2010

5

8

1

1 of to things is proably happening. She is either bored. When my daughter was in the lower grades her teacher gave her extra work to do on the back of her work sheets. Sometimes she helped a child who was having trouble. There may also be a problem with either the teacher or another student. She does know how to deal so she is acting out. I would try to talk to her about what's going on at school 1st to rule that out.

Rosie - posted on 01/30/2010

11

19

2

Have ou asked her why she is doing this or if something is bothering her? Yet it could be the teacher how is her relaationship with the teacher at this point any punishment is not going to make her behave. I guess trying to find out what is going on would be your next method. not to make excuses it could be the teacher or something that happenend that she is know getting in to trouble in class. My son had a teacher in 3rd grade and my son waas a good kid but she would sometimes ambarrass my son in class or because he wouldnt talk in class she thought something was wrong with him and my son was very unhappy did not like the teacher or wanted to go to school. I know its hard but this is not the time to go insane there has to be a reason why she is acting this way talk to her because sometimes yelling and spanking will get you know were. Im all for spanking but it seems you have tried everything. Good luck let me know ow it goes.

Jeanice - posted on 01/30/2010

17

1

2

since punishment obviously is not working I would try positive reinforcment and you should ask the teacher to do the same. Maybe there is a problem with the school.

Denise - posted on 01/30/2010

4

1

0

Hey Kris,
I give you kudos for disciplining your child.
I would put the responsibility of her discipline on her teacher and administrator. I would tell them I have done all that I can, but as you can see, you are getting frustrated. I would tell her teacher, if she needs to be excluded from going outside, not going to gym, or other activities until her attitude changes. She is receiving what she wants, attention. As a teacher for 35+ years, you need to explain to children bad behavior can cause consequences. Once she learns this and you continue to make the punishment fit the crime, I am sure she will understand her actions are not acceptable. Good luck

Ann - posted on 01/30/2010

26

27

0

Did you ever stop and think?? Maybe it the teacher who is picking on her. Having experience with my 2 oldest, My Son is now in 11th grade and our school district has on many occassions singled him out to a point He now has a bad reputation because every move he makes is monitored to a point he's coming home being angry all the time. His Teacher's would hear the stories being spread about him and they would blame him for other kid's behavior. Yes, Some problems he has made for himself ( no an Angle). It sounds to me that you might want to sit your child down and talk to her/ him about what the teacher is doing to her as well ! I also have my 11 yr. old actting up in school because she feels threatened by the teacher's and students and when she mentions to the teacher that others are picking on her, The teacher refuses to listen and calls her a lier. I have a feeling she's being picked on in school.

Christine - posted on 01/30/2010

312

39

29

you never mentioned what type of misbehavior she was being "carded" for at school.

Karen - posted on 01/30/2010

4

35

0

Ok here is my take on the situation..if she is only misbehaving in one place that is where the problem lies. Have you spoken to her about bullying?? is someone bullying her?? We just went through this with my grandson who is in 2nd grade..let her know that even when she is bad you still love her but if there is a problem you need to know about it so you can help her fix it..when they are little poor behavior is often the reaction to something else going on..is there an adult or teen whom you both trust that could sit down and talk to her?? and find out what is going on..when my youngest son was in K we had this problem and found out that a couple of the older kids were giving him a hard time on the playground before classes started. Let me know how you make out Karen Willis

Donna - posted on 01/30/2010

121

4

13

Have you tried asking her what is the problem? Something has to be causing the abnormal behavior. When my daughter was little she stopped wanting to go to school and it turned out that a boy was tormenting her on a daily basis. I had to go talk to the principal. I would talk to her teacher too.Possibly she needs to talk to the school counselor.

Lorinda - posted on 01/29/2010

16

3

0

Oh, Kris, so happy for you and your daughter. You are working so hard to have a great relationship with her -- you know, some people wouldn't even notice any problems after just two weeks. Just wishing you all the best. Hugs!

Renee - posted on 01/29/2010

621

28

139

Yes it sounds as if she is acting out about something at the school. Is someone (child or adult) doing something to her? That would be my very first question if she is behaving, and getting her school work done. It just doesn't make sense that she's doing her work, understanding it, she understands good behavrior from bad so there is a significant reason she's acting out. I would go and get to the bottom of it at the school.

Kris - posted on 01/28/2010

3

16

0

Want to thank eveyone for your responses. I would love to be able to answer everyone's questions but I believe it would take me the better part of a day to finish. 8-)
I can state my daughter has gotten a green for the last three days. All punishments have been removed. One day earlier than expected but due to a weather front no school for tomorrow and she behaved beautifully the last three days, at school and home.
I will clarify a few things.
I do praise my daughter for everything she does good. I also reward where I deem it is deserved. Tonight during homework, she did so good with all of it, including the challenge phase of homework, that she earned an award.
This is her first year in this school. I have asked her if she is having any problems and if she wants to go back to the school she had last year. She turned the offer down. She would not be able to see our neighborhood kids and play with them if she transferred and she doens't want to lose that contact. This I completely understand and accept.
I also asked if there was a problem with any of the teachers or kids. The answer was not really. Just the regular kid stuff.
To Melinda Izzo, I really like your idea and would be happy to take it to the teachers.
I have changed the approach/punishment for bad behavior and reviewed with my daughter the new rules. She does understand them and likes the new plans. She even suggested a few items herself and they will be implemented as well.
As ofr her not wanting to tell me stuff, I do understand this can happen, I am very fortunate that my daughter talks to me about everything. She will hold nothing back and I respect her for it and reciporcate. This is the relationship I had with my mother and she was my best friend.
As for the other parent, I am a single mother. The other parent would be my sister who shares the house we own together. The 'male' has not been around since my daughter was 1 year old.
I believe things have turned a corner and the new plans will help alleviate any more behavior problems. I know there will be bad days as no one is perfect. 8-) For those bad days we will survive and find good days to couteract them.
Again thanks to everyone for your responses. I truly appreciate them.
Be safe, at peace and happy.

Donna - posted on 01/28/2010

8

7

0

You need to find out what is going on in her world. If you can, spend a day in her class. Something may be going on there, or she may just be bored. Good luck

Nelly - posted on 01/28/2010

47

61

8

If the school has a counselor, try to see if she can explain what is going on in school.
It is happening to me too. It takes some time, but I hope it works for you. Punishment is not working, so if it only happens in the school, it would be convenient to have a one-to-one with the teacher. Something is definitively bothering her…other students, being bored, not good chemistry with the teacher, etc. Ask your daughter what she WOULD LIKE different at school that she will enjoy better. Finding out the root of the problem may help you getting a solution. Reward good behavior, for example, if she does not get into trouble, she can have whatever she wants for dessert, she can have 15 more minutes of play time, things like that. Try this to see if you get different results. Good luck!
.

Tammy - posted on 01/28/2010

4

10

0

welcome to the extra smart and bright child i have a son that had the same issues the teachers had my son on speed dial the teacher found out that she is board that means she need a class that is challenging for her asst principal had to look in on my son class than found out that after he finish his work witch was faster than most of his classmates so she put him in a more advance class and she put him in charge of some class chores like line duties collecting paper from other kids than when the see that he was giving orders and giving kids answers to their work that is when the put him in an more advance class now he is too busy to do anything wrong i belive if you try this it and the school you will see a big different side of your child . they also test him for special ed they seen nothing was wrong with him. good luck

Trish - posted on 01/28/2010

10

3

0

Hi. Been there. Here's the good news: My older daughter will be 18 in a few weeks, and she's doing great. As a teacher of more than 20 years, and I've taught all seven grades, kindegarten through sixth, I can tell you this behavior thing is probably a phase that will pass. That isn't to say blue cards should be ignored. From the snapshot you described, it sounds like a conference with your daughter and the teacher would do a world of good. Find out what negative behaviors need to be replaced with positive ones. If your daughter needs more academic stimulation, you can find out what kinds of concepts the teacher is working on and make a game of it at home. See my blog http://trish.trish-blog.blogspot.com and click on the post about making contracts with kids "If You Have a Spacy Smart Kid, Try This." I think the tag words are 'contracts,' and 'gifted kids.' Both my girls needed activities outside of school to keep them plugged in and out of trouble. As far as discipline, we found the "carrot and a stick" approach worked best: lots of praise and special play time for good behavior, a written letter of apology to the teacher for poor behavior. Why written? Once we spoke to the teacher to figure out which behaviors needed work, we came up with alternative behaviors, and writing them down helped to crystalize their responsibilities in the classroom. To be fair, though, we wrote for everything. I wrote little messages and love notes to hide in their lunches, we wrote family outtings, appointments and phone messages on the white board in the kitchen... you get the idea. By the way, both girls are fabulous writers. Oh, and keep your sense of humor. Once you've talked about the negative behaviors at school and carried out the consequences, let it go. Make jokes. Laugh as much as possible, and look for positive attributes and actions to give your daughter compliments and encouragement.



Relax and breathe. You'll get a handle on this. If you want to contact me, you can reach me at trish@gradebygrade.com. Best wishes!

[deleted account]

Stop punishing and start praising. Have her develop a plan with you to help her deal with agression, impulsiveness and defiance. She may need some scaffolding. Have a help me be good jar. Start at home first. Every time she does what she is told to do the first time, praise her and put a nickel in the jar. When she receives $1.00, take her to the dollar store and let her spend it. You can increase the amount the next time to a small toy she wants to earn. Find out how much it costs and have her earn it with good behaviors. Next put in a quarter for a green day, a dime for a yellow day and nothing for red or blue. Make sure you and the teacher know when and why the behaviors are happening. She may just need help during transitions or a specific subject area. Is she doing it for attention, avoidance or tactile( food, sensory?) Children need to know that you are willing to help them as long as they are willing to try. Good luck. Stay on the teacher. Ask them what they are doing to teach the appropriate behavior. You can't be there. Have them video tape her for you so you can see how she is behaving. sometimes children benefit from seeing themselves.
Good luck

Debbie Ann - posted on 01/28/2010

14

8

0

I think you should show up one day in the class and see what is going on.Maybe there are bullies in her class or she is just sitting around trouble makers and copy catting the behavior.Or she is just going through a growth spert.I noticed with my 4 kids that when they were growning sometimes they were irritable.But try going to the class so you can see what is really going on.

Laurie - posted on 01/28/2010

9

0

0

I think it's time to involve a counselor. Either at school or at a family clinic. My first impression is that your daughter is having some self-control issues. There are a LOT of things that could contribute to those - diagnosable syndromes like ADD or Asperger's, medication, diet issues (sugar, food additives, etc...) or even just stress she may under that you aren't aware of. To get to the bottom of it, you have to get the help of someone who knows what to look/listen for. You didn't say if she's hitting/fighting or just talking too much and not staying in her chair...

I would suggest that all the punishment you are doing is probably not going to help if she truly has a behavior disorder. Try some positive reinforcement - it's like the opposite of what you're doing. When she does something RIGHT (like helping with dinner or cleaning up), offer a reward like watching a favorite video or an extra 15 min. of play time... you'd be amazed how different it will be when she is working FOR something, rather than trying NOT to get in trouble.

Good luck!

Debbie - posted on 01/28/2010

18

0

1

Did you ask her why she makes these choices? Do you acknowledge and reward good behavior? Did something change in the house hold? I found when my kids would be acting like this I would take a one on one time out of the house and have a heart to heart. Most of the time I would get it out of them what the problem was. Give it a try. What could it hurt. Good Luck!

Lorinda - posted on 01/28/2010

16

3

0

I would also like to add for all of us -- please be careful when you tell a child he or she HAS to listen to her teachers. Do not be too forceful about that, because as all too many news reports show us, not even schools or churches can guarantee that all adults are safe people. Try to ensure that you are open to listen to grievances about other adults in their lives. A lot it -- I hope all of it -- will be rather petty by our standards (Teacher didn't give me an A) but you will leave a door open if anything is serious. Another point -- don't automatically say, "Well, you must have deserved it." Because that cuts the conversation and all future conversations off short. Sometimes all you need to say is, "Oh." Or, "You sound annoyed." You may be surprised that your kid may then say, "Yeah. I guess I need to study my spelling more," if you are not always ready with advice! (I once swept my daughter's tea set off a counter with a laundry basket. Something broke, and before I could say what was on the tip of my tongue -- and you KNOW what that was... "You shouldn't leave your things lying around" --I said "Oh1", and she said, "I guess I should have put it away.") :-) hugs and best...

User - posted on 01/28/2010

2

0

0

I agree with separating home and school. After all, her teacher has her own goals in teaching a room full of children; goals that are different than yours as the parent of your child(ren). In other words, things that are important in the classroom: conformity, etc, aren't as important in the home environment. So don't judge your child according to what the teacher says. The teacher could be wrong or stressing something not that serious in the long run.

Melinda - posted on 01/28/2010

1

8

0

As a trainer and a behavior therapist, I have often suggested to teachers that they do away the red, green, yellow system, and preplace with it something similiar, but the children move their color cards for good behavior. Upon moving all their cards, they get to color in a cirlce on their chart. When ALL the children get ALL their circles colored they ALL get a party, reward, etc. What happens inthe classroom is that the teacher replaced the negative with positive. So, now instead of pointing out the bad, she accentuates the good in each child. If you think your teacher would be open to such a system, I will happily email you the system.

Sounds like that might be a good system for you to institute at home. Start focusing on the good, praising the good things she's doing. Right now she may be pretty discouraged if school is negative and now at home everything is negative as well. She may have resigned to a "why bother?" attitude.

Start praising her every day, telling her that you're so excited to see how great she's going to do TODAY. Leave yesterday's mistakes in yesterday. Keep home positive. If she gets a red, blue, yellow, just hug her and tell her that you know she's a great kid and you know she wants to do well. Don't react, Mom. Once at home, take responsibility for home. You're can't be there at school but you can take control of home. So, put a smile on your face, honey! Decide that your home is going to be one of positives, but with limits. Loving, but firm! And read, read , read! Go to experts such as James Dobson (Dare to Discipline) .

Toni - posted on 01/27/2010

126

6

4

My eight year old daughter was having trouble at school for awhile so I talked with the school counselor For the time being we are keeping school and home separate. When she misbehaves at school they will deal with it then and not let it carry over to her home life. Since we implemented this she has greatly improved in school and has much more green days.

Linda - posted on 01/27/2010

5

6

0

Well, I am 46 with a 10 year old. Does she have another adult to talk to other than her parents? It could be her Sunday School Teacher, Pastor, a friends parent. Alot of times there are things bothering them that they won't talk to parents about. Also give her lots of hugs and tell her not everyone is perfect. Don't take everything away from her it won't work. Set a goal like a trip to Build A Bear, Chuck E Cheese or to a movie. Alot of times that works. I homeschool my son because he was getting bullied at school because he was smarter than the rest of the kids. Kids are mean and a number of times they will act out just to get Mom to talk or react. It will pass. Otherwise you might need other help. If I can be of any assistance don't hesitate to contact me.

Mercede - posted on 01/27/2010

42

2

2

" It is just at school I am having the problems."

If I were you the first thing I would do was CHANGING HER SCHOOL. I still can't get over the fact that they tag students. This is horrible. I call this so inhumane, shamefull and humiliating. why should a child get tag for her behaviour. so we as adults have different moods and moments too. should we get tagged and labled too. this is so embarasing for a child with a sensitive soul. It sounds like they are keeping prisoners not students. if a child does a silly thing - just because he is a child- should he carry the tag of being a bad kid for the rest of the day. this actually engraves the bad attitude and bad behavior into him for the rest of the day/week/....! to me your daughter just sounds like a very normal and typical kis at her age. it's just this stupid and humilating school policy that is making her act silly, aggresive, or whatever. there are some schools out there that don't even have timeout policy. nothing as punishments or anything of that sort. I have a 6 year old son who is in SK and have dealt with all sorts of problems but things are gettting better as he gets older. and I used to be a teacher for a few years.

once again, please change your daugher's school before it's too late and before they damage her dignity and personality for the rest of her life.

Joy - posted on 01/27/2010

2

0

0

Hi Kris. God bless you, Hon, I feel your pain. My husband and I have custody of our 6 year old granddaughter (whom we've had since her birth). She went through a phase just like your little one a while back. She could not seem to get on green (her school has red as the worst behavior). There were several factors that I believe played a role. For one: she usually acts out when she doesn't feel well and she had strep for a little while. When that was over, it turned out a little boy was calling her a "baby" and she didn't like that. And I also believe that she was bored for a while. We used all the same punishments that you tried, to no avail. I finally quit making a big deal over it and just told her that enough was enough and calmly left it at that. And then suddenly, she was done. She has been on green consistently ever since. I truly think that it was just a temporary phase and just like my little one, your daughter will get tired of acting out. Especially when she sees that 'good' behavior gets recognized more sweetly than 'bad' behavior. I suggest asking the school if your daughter has complained about anyone teasing her and if not, maybe they could give her more challenging work, in case boredom is the issue. I truly hope that I've helped somewhat and that perhaps even today the 'bad' phase will be over and life will be sweeter for you all. :-) Blessings! Joy P.S. I believe in spankings. :-)

Melissa - posted on 01/27/2010

19

17

3

I think Lorinda hit the nail on the head. If this is such a radical change from normal behavior than the cause for the change is your first and most important step. You have tried talking to your daughter. She has been in so much trouble that she is no doubt feeling like a failure and/or angry at the very least. Something at school is triggering this. Somehow you have to find out what. Talk to her teachers..ask for details on what they consider to be her "bad" behavior... sit in on a class.. (this works well unannounced but even better when they know you are going to be observing and can plan for your presence). Punishment hasn't changed the problem so rewarding anything good that you can find is an obvious next choice. I remember being in trouble in school. There came a point where, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't avoid this one teacher's bad side...so I quit even trying. Eventually, my mom pulled me out of her class and I managed to pass the grade. I would not have passed that year in her classroom. I'm not saying "It's a bad teacher" ..I'm just saying it may have a reasonable explanation that you can address and fix for her. No child wants to stay in trouble. If she can't seem to fix this on her own then you should be looking for the root of the problem.

Lorinda - posted on 01/27/2010

16

3

0

Maybe it is time to stop talking and talking and talking. Maybe someone needs to listen. You sound like a caring mom; what about the teacher?

What else has changed at home or in the classroom in the past two weeks? Colored tags do not tell you much about what the behavior is. Has she been ill? Is there a new kid in the class? A substitute or student teacher? A new class pet? Did your husband lose his job? Allergies? Playground bullying? Nervous over something? One idea, that fits this timeline, is that if she has been exposed to news about the earthquake in Haiti, her sense of the world may be shaken, as it is for many, many people way older than she is. Kids get things (news) from other kids, and not always accurately, so you don't always have a clue until you get quiet and ask.

I think that you need to stop thinking about your kid as being bad, even if it's driving you nuts, and gently see if there is some help she needs. Some kids have heard about "tattling" so much, they don't tell you stuff. One of mine was bullied for almost her entire first year and neither I nor her teacher heard a thing about it until she broke into tears the first week of her second and said, "It's starting all over again."

Also, at this point, your daughter is getting a lot of attention for those non-green labels. It is not bribing to smile and acknowledge the green tags. Most of us thrive better when someone notices us for the good stuff ("Great meal, Honey," is way more helpful than "What is this junk?")

What you are doing is not working, so you might as well take a risk and change your approach. She sounds like a great kid and I bet she doesn't like the way things are and quite possibly doesn't even know why things are so awry. Even though she is intelligent, she may not know. We all have bad weeks, and sometimes we adults don't know why, either, and don't notice until someone says, "Boy, you've been a grouch lately!" and we stop and think about our lives.

Take some deep breaths and focus on the stuff that is going right for both of you.

Debbie - posted on 01/27/2010

2

22

0

I do feel for you - but my 6 year old son is the opposite. He is a perfect sain at school but comes home and gives me great grief. He is cheeky, obnoxious, swears, hits siblings, has mood swings like a hormonal woman, goes from being the most loving child to brat in 6 seconds, i don't have any answers sorry! But it may pay to get her checked for little things like hearing (my son is on his 2nd lot of grommets in 18 months), and they are also checking his thyroid function - how does she sleep at night - is she a restless sleeper, or happen to wake at night for no apparent reason. Unfortunately sometimes you can't see the answer in front of you - but its worth pursuing with your doctor if it continues. Hope you have luck - im still getting my sons behaviour looked into!

[deleted account]

Well maybe her and the teacher just don't click. You don't say why she is misbehaving just that she's misbehaving? Sounds like there is more to this issue. Have you sat in her class just to observe? I'm curious to know what her answer is when asked why she is misbehaving. Does her school offer counseling? So many questions going thru my mind. Like is the teacher new or has expierenced? Like previously said, "maybe they just don't clik" I would sit in class for one or two days out of the week if your able to do so. Maybe that will help your daughter and the teacher. Take a note book and make notes.

Robyn A. - posted on 01/25/2010

10

13

2

It does sound like she is very bored with her class. Have you tried rewarding her for green days instead of punishing her for the bad days. I know that seems like a bribe but anything to keep you sane. As she grows into further grade levels you may want to look into testing her for higher education. At some point school should be a challenge and interesting so there would be no time for misbehaving. Let her know that you believe in her and you know she can do better. A treat for jobs well done may make her want to do better all the time. Now what that treat will be is up to you. Good luck.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms