cant get through to my 16 year daughter feel like im loosing her

Lynn - posted on 06/12/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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31

i have 5 kids 2 grown up with there own kids who live near by and 17 year old daughter planning on going to live in spain with her best friend next year and 2 more at home a daughter Olivia whos 16 and son 14 they are all good kids iv been bringing up the younger 3 for over 3 and half years on my own and try being a truely good supportive mum. Im always there for them when im not working my part time job, and im very open with them. They all know they can come to me to talk about anything. The problem is my 16 year old daughter who has just finished her gcses in high school she has applyed for college to do catering which she is really looking forward to she is a good girl but has been constantly bullyed in high school she is so happy those times are all behind her, she has been going out with a 18 year old lad who when i first met him he was homeless jobless and moneyless iv treated him like he was myown helped him get somewhere to live in a hostal at the moment iv tried getting him motivated to look for job iv helped him get his benefits for money sorted out in this way i feel im helping my daughter Olivia too as she asked me to get involved in this way. now since leaving school she has been comming home at all hours very very late with no remorse for doing this i try explaining she is not grown up yet and i need to know she is safe at home before i can go to bed and i put a time of 11.30pm to be home unless she is going for sleep over at a friends last night she was not home after midnite and on phoneing her she yelled at me she was on her way home i knew from the way she came in the door she was in an argumentative mood but as a mum i have to find out how she is and if there was anything wrong so i asked her why she was so late and she was yelling at me to leave her alone she told me she was not a child any more after 10 mins or so of this she ran out of the house i ran after her in bear feet she is fast i could not catch up to her i shouted after her come on home lets talk whats wrong, she just yelled back she was not comming home she will be staying at a friends for a few days when i asked her what friend so i knew she was going to be ok she would not say now im left worried and wondering wots up as in the argument at home when i asked her whats wrong she kept on replying whats the point in telling you cos you will never understand i consider myself to be a very understanding person but i could not break though and get her to open up and tell me i even asked her if she was pregnant and she just yelled at me no im not but all the thoughts going round my head are upsetting me and she wont answer my phone iv left her text messages and messages on facebook but nothing back from her have any of you been though simila and how did you cope what am i doing so wrong i feel like im being punished for something i dont know iv done.

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6 Comments

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Mary - posted on 06/14/2010

2

2

I even wrote letters to my daughter when she was away years ago. I think it helped.

Mary - posted on 06/14/2010

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You are not being punished. A typical 16 year old. Don't feel guilty. Just being there when she really really needs you is all you can do. I've been through the teenage years with my daughter, she came back years lately when she realized I would always be there for her. She is a wonderful daughter. Time is on your side.

April - posted on 06/14/2010

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My daughter was bullied in school as well. At 14, is when the trouble started for me, the sleepless nights, the worries, the phone calls, the driving around looking for her, I thought I was going out of my mind. Nevermind I was going out of my mind....anyway I decided to get my family dr involved because of the bad behaviour...we found out from the bullying at school and all the trouble we had involving other kids...than my daughter was suffering BPD...borderline personality disorder...we are getting help and now as she ages it is getting better...no it is not you and no you did nothing wrong...it's damn hard being a parent in this day and age...good luck

Quilty - posted on 06/12/2010

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8

My heart goes out to you. I have four daughters.

It's unfortunate, but it seems that girls from 15 to 21 are the most vicious, thoughtless creatures on the planet!

All I can say is stick to your rules, take away privileges (like her phone), and she WILL eventually outgrow this phase.

VicTORIa - posted on 06/12/2010

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I am an old woman now. But when I was 16, my mom and I did not form a relationship. She nagged and criticized a lot, and she had 9 other children she wanted me to help clean up after... I left early, worked full time and got through college in 9 years on my own. BUT, I do regret, that in the process I did not really bond with my family. When she died I was still excluded by most, even though I did get a chance then to spend some visits with my Dad, whom I loved and liked a lot! I have had some times with my teen daughters that they left angry...but I keep the doors open, and wait for them to be willing to talk. I don't sent text complaints, but I send "I love you" messages. Being a mom is a hard job, just do it with love. Teens do survive, some have a harder time than others. I too helped a couple of boys that my girls were hanging out with. But I tried to never complain, just listen, eventually my girls realized that they needed to move on, on their own. They learned a lot, have become independent women, are good judges of character, have learned from mistakes...(sometimes the hard way!) And we still have a relationship of trust and love. BTW: In my experience 16 is one of the hardest ages for girls today. My youngest is 16. We are experiencing some of the same drama. I just know from experience with my other children, that she will be OK! Hang in there! I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers. The P in parent is not for perfect! it is for persistence!

Elise - posted on 06/12/2010

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I remember those events with my teens. Sounds like your daughter is disconnected and your attempts to connect are viewed as acts of parental control. You do have the right to determine what rules will be followed in your home. Make sure you are not enabling her or this "lad." That will lead to less responsibility on their part and much broken heartedness on yours. I would say, connect with her on neutral territory. Like out for pizza, or a walk at the park. Make it a time when you LISTEN. Keep your questions about her, not what she does or does not do. You are trying to show her that you love her and want to know more of her heart. This way, when she is 21 or so, she can come back to that mom for relationship. Not shy away from the mom that nagged her, yet enabled the very behavior she was nagged about. Teens need strong role models and loving authority. Pray for her eyes to be opened and her heart to be yielded to what Jesus has for her. He will always lead her to a place of healing, peace and positive-life-sustaining growth.