cos of me helping i feel my familys falling apart

Lynn - posted on 03/21/2011 ( 1 mom has responded )

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hi this is so complicated im a grandma of 5 wonderful grandkid and a mum of 5 kids 2 of which are grown up with there kids who live near enough for me to go visit on a bus i make sure i do this at lease once a week sometimes once in two weeks one of my grown up daughters who lives with her other half and 3 kids is very much like me when i was bringing up my kids when they were very young she dont drink in the house only once in blue moon when she goes out with me or friends they are a very close family unit, my other daughter has a 10 year daughter who is lovely she was from a previous relationship my daughter was 16 when she gave birth lived with me and family for nearly 2 years after giving birth to her daughter i tried to tell my daughtger its very important to keep a stable life for her little one and to have order and proper bed times etc so her little ones knows whats what. my daughter then being very young did not really think this important oh yer by the way her partner left her when she was 5 or 6 monts pregnant and did not want anything to do with the baby once born so its been a strugle for her even though as a family we gave her support after while after the birth she met someone who she saw for some time on and off but they became a volitile relationship and the little one was by now picking up on this friction my daughter left to go live with this boyfriend and took her little one with her to go live at her boyfriends mums house was crouded with his sisters brother mum and step dad she ended up leaving him being put by council in to a hostle for young people her daughter went with her it had a lot of support there but was not a nice place to live in after about 18 months or so she and daughter was moved to a diff hostle and this one gave her all the independece but she still had someone she could call on if needed once a day then after a year or so she was offered a council flat for her and her little girl which they moved into we as family were still close to her and visited them and met up regulary she met a man in a put over 6 years ago i soon found out he did not work and he was in the pub more then i was happy about but she seemed to happy i did not want to burst her bubble they shortly were seeing eachother every day then months later he moved in with them all seemed so great with them until some time later the arguments started and my daughters phone calls to me upset me so much telling me they had split up and he had left after while she was getting back on her feet again only for me to hav phone call from her telling me they back tog this has been happening for all the time they been tog since the first time sometimes they go months before the split happens sometimes longer and other times its weeks and then he is off again left her to it for few days sometimes weeks yer you got it her is drinking much more and im worried for him i think he has a drink dependency and my daughter over the last few years has been dragged into this life style she had a son with this man over 4 years ago and they love the kids but the drink is ruining there family unit the daughter is now 10 and uncontrolable some of the time and always getting into trouble at school she recently ran away from home at end of schoo day instead of walking the 10 mins home to her home she decided she had had enough of home life and walked over half hour to my house i was shopping at the time with son and a daughter but it was lucky one of my other daughtgers was home to let her in by time i got home my grandaughter was red eyed and in a hell of a state yer i know she has been known to make stories up of wot happens at home etc but when i explained to her i had to phone her mum to let her know she was here she begged with me to let her stay with me to live with us but i tried to talk to her but she was telling me all sorts of horror stuff was going on at home like wot her mum and step dad were saying bout getting rid of her and giving her to her bioligical dad etc and when she said her step dad had hit her with a belt i was getting a bad feeling if this was just a story why was she so terrified to go back home the terror was in her face so clear any way cut this long true story shorter i phoned my elder daughter up to let her know my grandaughter was round my home i said mayb it was best if she slept at mine that night and then i take her school in morn then she could walk back to her normal home after school to let her and my daughter calm down after i said they my daughter was demanding i take her straight home so of corse i was in a pickle as to wot to do so little later i took her back to her home i got my ex to drive us up there he stayed in car with grandaughter and i went to my daughters to see if i could talk things through with her and my son in law as i did not want my grandaughter to witness all of this my daughter went wild when i said no i was not bringing her daughtger in house till they talked calmly with me to work this out it took over hour of talking but i realised ( no i was not brain washed by them ) i realised she was a mum struggling to control her 10 year old daughter my daughtger was stressed and unsure wot else to try to get her daughtger to calm her attitude to everything down. and she also asured me yer her partner still drank quite too much but she had calmed the drinking down so i ended up going out to car and getting my grandaughter out the car and having a heart to heart talk to make her see her mum is doing her best and sometimes she needs a little help from her with her keeping check of her attitude and behaviour etc and she agreed in end to going back to her home if i took her which i did i said at the door ok keep it calm so in end i left to go back to the car feeling mayb just mayb i had helped them until i told my 18 year old daughtger what had been said etc she went mental telling me its not good enough she was going to phone social services if i did not i told her to calm down and give them some space to see how it works out for week or so but she was wild bout it all in end she got a bag of her stuff and left the house on asking her what time she was going to come home that evening there was no reply but later in evening she left message on facebook telling me i diff words she wished she could leave home to go live with her friend now if she could she would and she would not be comming home till there was oppotunity for her to leave to live with her friend i know she is living at another of my daughters homes temp and now i hav two daughters very very angry with me i cant see light at end of tunnel i just dont know wot to do to get my family back i only tried doing wot i thought was best at time and now i feel im loosing my family please if anyone has solution i would be very greatful if you reply

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Louise - posted on 03/22/2011

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I think it is very hard to sit back as a mother and watch our children make mistakes, but this is sometimes what we have to do. Try and step back and let your daughter work out for herself that the relationship she has with her partner is affecting her child. You have to play the role of moral support without saying anything. Let your daughter come to you and talk and try not to be judgemental. Tell your daughter you are happy to have your grand daughter at any time to allow your daughter to do what she needs to do without delicate ears listening. At the end of the day she is the mother and will raise her daughter how she sees fit. Try and be the stable adult in your granddaughters life and make sure she knows that she can come to you at any time for a chat and a cuddle. Then step back and let them all get on with it. If you try and offer your advice you will be seen as meddling so sit back and let your children make their own mistakes.

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