Daughters making bad choices

Karen - posted on 11/08/2009 ( 33 moms have responded )

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I have a 28 yr old dughter who is choosing to live with a guy who doesn't work, uses her money to live on and child support and ssi money. I have now been informed they have no food. I can't help them because I am barely making ends meet as it is. My daughter won't work. I have tried praying but I still worry, what am I supposed to do? I do not like this jerk off, he is rude to me and causes me to be mad at him constantly. There are two children 8 and 3 involved. She is bumming food from neighbors to survive. What do I do?

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Andrea - posted on 11/15/2009

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Karen, the hardest thing to do is to step back and let things happen. It's really hard for you to do this because there are two children involved. Is one of them his from a prior relationship or are both from your daughter? I read your note and hear so much guilt inbetween the lines. You need to know the facts. Your daughter is 28. Your daughter is old enough to move out, have babies, get into relationships with men of her choosing and decide how to care for herself and her children. You did your job. You gave birth to her, loved her, nurtured her and tried teaching her all the things moms do who love their kids and want them to succeed. Now step back, pray, believe in yourself and know that you DID your job and where she is in life right now at this very moment is from the footseps she's decided to take. You're looking at a path that hurts to watch, but you'll hurt both of you more if you don't realize you did your best and she's all grown up. It's on her now. Love yourself and forgive yourself if your daughter's upbringing was less than perfect. You showed her the real way, the right way. It's time for her to learn along her journey on earth, to take more fruitful paths. You can't do it for her. Pray for the ability to do these things and in the meantime, your daughter may wake up and realize this man isn't fulfilling a role she's allowed him to have in her life. Times are tough so forgive yourself for not giving your 28 year old daughter your extra change either. You take care and breathe while knowing you really can't live her life for her now. She's lucky you are her mother right now, whether you swoop in with cash or not. She'll still be on her path. Stay on yours. Good Luck!

Bridgette - posted on 11/08/2009

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Karen you said you tried praying but you still worry...The key is pray and leave it there...If you want your prayers to be heard you have to trust and believe the lord will answer you & trust me he will....He may not come when you're ready however he will come just in the nick of time...Not only pray for your daughter,pray for the kids and pray also for the gentlemen...The bible said pray for our enemies and he will make them your footstool.....God Bless!

Dyan - posted on 12/31/2012

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Do these daughters, mine inclusive, ever snap out of their codependency? What makes these ladies have such low positive regard, low self esteem?! Gee, my daughter, too, is a college agraduate. She seems stuck on this self centered, low life guy who walked away from the marriage when their baby was one. She wants the baby to know his dad. Personally, I think it's best if he does't. Will she stop chasing after him? What is her problem? She adores her two year old and is a great mother. But, I don't think forcing this man to be a good parent is going to help her precious little boy in the end?!

Any comments?!
Thanks, Dee

Sandy - posted on 11/10/2009

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Ok she is 2 1/2, what does she say? Does she know her name? Does she point and make eye contact? I would try to keep the lines of communication open with her and him for that matter cause she probably listens to him (mine does). I would watch how you talk to her guess you could call it manipulating her but if you could get her to stay overnight then you could start having more of an impact on her, which is what you want. Does she go to a pediatrician? Is she updated on her shots? If she has a drs. appt, maybe you could go and talk to the dr. about your concerns, or volunteer to take her. When will she be 3. If they have autism there is a concern there and the dr. should be concerned?

[deleted account]

Karen, you started the right way... praying! I know sometimes it feels like it's not enough, but its the best way to help her and your grandchildren. Giving her money doens't sound like a good idea because he may take it, so could you invite them for dinner? Or perhaps make lunches for the kids? Something that would help the children directly but not tempt the adults to take advantage? As far as being mad at the man.... I can tell you from eperience it will only hurt you more... let it go. As hard as that is to do, you have to forgive even when it continues. The forgiving is as much for you as for anyone else. And the anger only increases the problems. I'd love to hear how you're doing... and I'll be praying for you.

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Barbara - posted on 08/14/2012

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MY DAUGHTER IS 28 YRS OLD WITH 6 KIDS ALL UNDER 13. SHE IS ON HUSBAND NUMBER THREE( MEANING DADDY NUMBER 3). THE 4 OLDER CHILDREN HAVE BEEN ABUSED BY THEIR DADDY,ALL FIVE OF THE OLDER CHILDREN HAVE THEN BEEN MOLESTED BY THE STEP DADDY( WHO WAS DADDY TO ONE OF THE FIVE), AT THAT POINT THEY WERE TAKEN TO A STEP GRANDPARENT WHO MOLESTED THE GIRLS. THEN MOM MARRIED AGAIN WITH BABY NUMBER SIX ,HAVING MADE WAY INTO THE WORLD. THE FIRST FIVE KIDS ARE ALL EXPRESSING FEAR OF THE NEW DAD, HIS TEMPER, HIS SHOUTING HIS AGE AND HIS DISRESPECT OF THEM AND THEIR MOM, AND THE UNCERTAINTY THAT IS AND HAS BECOME THEIR ENTIRE THEIR LIFE. ACCORDING TO THERAPISTS(AND THERE ARE MANY) THE DIAGNOSIS IS THAT THEY ARE SUFFERING FROM REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER, POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER, TWO HAVE SEVERE ADHD, ONE WITH OBSESSIVE COMPULSION DISORDER, ONE WITH OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANCE DISORDER, ONE HAS COMPLETELY SHUT DOWN EMOTIONALLY. HE BEST PUT IT AS NO ONE EVER EXPRESSES ANYTHING BUT ANGER AT HIS HOUSE OR THEY IGNORE THEM(KIDS) UNLESS THEY NEED A FAVOR FROM THEM. THEY ARE OFTEN LEFT ALONE, OFTEN GO WITH OUT( MOM NEVER DOES BUT THEY DO).THEY (KIDS) ARE ORNAMENTS TO HER IN HER WARPED REALITY. SHE IS VERY INTELLIGENT AND BOOK SMART AND REALLY GOO AT HER JOB BUT REALITY ESCAPES HER. SHE USES THEM FOR THE ATTENTION THEY GET HER AND EVEN TAKES CREDIT WHEN THEY WORK HARD AND MAKE ACHIEVEMENTS. IF THINGS DO NOT GO WELL WITH HER MEN THEN THE KIDS ARE HER SOUNDING BOARDS AND FRIENDS .

THE CHILDREN ARE REALLY HER WAY TO FILL THE VOID OF HER OWN EXISTENCE I THINK. SHE JUST KEEPS MAKING MORE, EVEN THE KIDS HAVE MADE COMMENTS ABOUT THEIR MOTHER NOT NEEDING ANY MORE KIDS OR ANY MORE MEN. THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH HER ALTHOUGH THEY WANT TO SEE AND SPEND TIME WITH HER BUT WHEN SHE BECKONS THEY GO THEY ARE WITH OUT A VOICE OR A CHOICE. CHILDREN'S SERVICES ARE OF NO HELP THEY CAN NOT DO ANYTHING TIL SOMEONE IS DEAD I GUESS AT LEAST THAT SEEMS TO BE THE ATTITUDE. SO IT GOES ON , AS A GRAND PARENT YOU CAN NOT SAY MUCH TO HER CAUSE THEN YOU WON'T SEE THE GRAND KIDS AT ALL THEN WHO IS GOING TO LOOK OUT FOR THEM. SO YOU TRY TO BE CORDIAL AND BE THE BEST YOU CAN FOR THE KIDS WHILE YOU CAN. DRS THERAPISTS AND COUNSELORS ALL AGREE THE KIDS SHOULD REMOVED BUT YET IT DOES NOT HAPPEN NOT ENOUGH NOT ENOUGH NOT ENOUGH... MONEY IS A BIG MOTIVATOR. THE KIDS CAN BE AWAY FROM HER FOREVER IF SHE DOES NOT HAVE TO PAY ANYTHING. NOT EVEN CALLS OR LETTERS. BUT YOU MENTION HER HAVING TO PAY FOR THE SUPPORT OF THE KIDS SHE MADE AND SUDDENLY SHE MUST HAVE THE KIDS BACK BECAUSE SHE CAN NOT PAY SUPPORT IF SHE DOES SHE WON'T HAVE MONEY TO PAY HER BILLS...REALLY? SERIOUS? IT IS HARD BEING A GRAND PARENT IN THIS SITUATION AND LOVING YOUR OWN CHILD TOO WHO IS TRULY MAKING BAD CHOICES, IF IT WERE HER LIFE ONLY NO PROBLEM... SHE IS DRAGGING 6 PASSENGERS WITH HER. I READ ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE' PROBLEM CHILD AND FELT THE NEED TO GET THIS BIG ONE OF MY CHEST. WE REALLY DO NOT SEEM TO HAVE RECOURSE AND IT IS SAD, SO VERY SAD.

Cheryl - posted on 11/13/2009

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Karen, You are getting some really good advise here. I have been in your shoes and even had a grandbaby in the picture. The more I helped, the less she took control. I thought I was helping. When I finally gave it to the lord and stepped back and stopped helping, she took control and the lord showed her the way. I had to keep reminding myself that it was in his time, not mine. She is now 32, married to a great guy, happy and even owns her own business and is a wonderful mommie of two step children as well as her own little girl. God reminds me every day that he does answer prayers. I just had to learn to BELIEVE!

Barbara - posted on 11/13/2009

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There is really nothing you can do. Your child is grown. She can go to the state and get Food Stamps or to the food banks for help. In this situation, I would go and feed the children, and let the adults fend for themselves.

Kim - posted on 11/13/2009

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Unfortunately this girl is a grown woman who should know right from wrong by now. What does she see in this guy? What does she want out of life? Its all about choices and if thats how they choose to live there isnt alot you can do. I think I would be letting your daughter know if things dont improve especially where the kids are concerned you will be reporting her see if you can call her bluff. As a mother its very disheartening to see your children with grubs like these, they seem to suck the goodness out of them, make them feel they cant do better for themselves and drag them down along with them and blame them for life being bad. Do you get to see the kids or have them stay over and see how they feel without been too obvious. I told my daughters I raised you and put alot of effort into you and dont appreciate it when some scumbag comes along and takes all that away from you. Stand up and be counted, believe in yourself, your the only one that can make changes in your life to make life better for yourself and your own children. Best Wishes, Good Luck.

Sara - posted on 11/12/2009

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You are in a place that really sucks. Your daughter has made her decisions, but you can also call the appropriate child welfare oraganizations in your area anonymously and they can check on things. Tough love is the hardest thing we can do, but it can and does work. Let her know you love her and that you still have your boundries. Keep your lines of communication open and non judgemental. Every little bit of anger you feel towards him lets him win. They have their relationship just as you and her father had/have. Honor her choices, keep your boundries and offer what you can, when you can without sacrificing anthing you have. This is a huge life lesson for all of you. You can anonymously report her to child protective services if you feel that strongly and I wouldn't hesitate to do that for them. At least someone not associated with family would be "looking" at them. It might let her get some help. She may also be in a very abusive relationship that she has no way of knowing how to get out of. Any way she is an adult and has the right to raise her children as she wishes. Keep your prayers going, but be sure you are praying for the whole picture. Perhaps instead of praying for him to leave, drop dead etc, pray that he will become the best father he can, pray for your daughter to become the best Mom she can, pray for the children to grow into the beautiful people He created. Pray for understanding and patience for yourself. Everytime I get crazy at someone, I have to kinda laugh and think, "Guess I am needing to learn patience right now" cuz shooting them with an Uzzi usually isn't an option at that time! LOL. Love, Peace, Joy and good luck.

Traci - posted on 11/11/2009

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Prayer is a great start. God helps those who help themselves. Have you talked to children's services. It sounds like the kids are not being taken care of the way they should be. You need to take action. I know it is hard, especially considering it is your daughter and grandchildren. The adults can take care of themselves the children cannot. If it gets to the point that the children are in danger and hungry you need to involve someone outside of the family to help them. Keep praying and may God bless the children and your daughter. God bless you

Patti - posted on 11/11/2009

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WHEN THERE ARE CHILDREN INVOVED IT ALWAYS MAKES THINGS HARDER. MY DAUGHTER AT ONE TIME ALSO MADE SOME BAD CHOICES THAT MADE ME SO UPSET I ALMOST CAME TO THE BREAKING POINT. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR DAUGHTER IS AT A AGE WHERE SHE WON'T LISTEN TO YOU AND THE MORE YOU DISLIKE HER BOYFRIEND,THE MORE SHE WILL REBEL. AS LONG AS THE CHILDREN ARE SAFE AND BEING TAKEN CARE OF, YOU MAY NEED TO TELL YOUR DAUGHTER SHE IS ON HER OWN. IT SOUNDS LIKE SHE NEEDS SOME TOUGH LOVE TO MAKE HER COME AROUND. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU KAREN.

Kathy - posted on 11/11/2009

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My 2 yr, 10 month old granddaughter doesn't say her name, she has said bye, che (for cheese), hi, mama, and dada and that is abt it. My daughter swears she said "i love you" and called all her sisters totally thrilled abt that. I don't know if she really said it or not. She has been to genetic testing since autistic spectrum disorders run in the family. Doctors don't know whether she is on spectrum yet or not, she is behind in development. My daughter hasn't taken her to dr. recently because she (my daughter) has problems dealing with other people and understanding things. I am wanting to take the child to the dr. so I can see what they tell me. They live abt 25 miles from me so I can't just run over at any time but want to spend more time with the child if daughter will let me.

Dori - posted on 11/11/2009

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I've learned the hard way that the only thing you can do for your adult children is pray. You can not make your daughter or the person she chooses to run with see the forest for the tree's and whatever you do DON'T ENABLE them by "helping". I've spent 10's of thousands of dollars most of which was behind my husbands back helping one of our son's, and believe me, if I had it to do all over again, I'd of continued to pray for him and with him, but would not have given so much as one cent!! I've created a monster and the repercussions are far worse than anything you could possibly imagine! There are shelters & soup kitchens well equipped to help should that be their choice. As for the children, if they are your grandchildren, then for heavens sake file for temporary custody! That will ensure their safety, will help give you some peace of mind, and the state will make your daughter either grow the heck up or you'll gain full custody. If money is the issue, in a lot of states you can become a foster parent to your grandchildren and the state will provide them health care and you funds to properly provide for them including daycare. Our daughter is currently trying to get out of a horrific relationship with the most loathsome of people we've ever had the misfortune of knowing. What’s worse is they have a child he is now using as his weapon of choice. I am sympathetic to your plight and I wish you God's grace and mercy!

Dori - posted on 11/11/2009

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I've learned the hard way that the only thing you can do for your adult children is pray. You can not make your daughter or the person she chooses to run with see the forest for the tree's and whatever you do DON'T ENABLE them by "helping". I've spent 10's of thousands of dollars most of which was behind my husbands back helping one of our son's, and believe me, if I had it to do all over again, I'd of continued to pray for him and with him, but would not have given so much as one cent!! I've created a monster and the repercussions are far worse than anything you could possibly imagine! There are shelters & soup kitchens well equipped to help should that be their choice. As for the children, if they are your grandchildren, then for heavens sake file for temporary custody! That will ensure their safety, will help give you some peace of mind, and the state will make your daughter either grow the heck up or you'll gain full custody. If money is the issue, in a lot of states you can become a foster parent to your grandchildren and the state will provide them health care and you funds to properly provide for them including daycare. Our daughter is currently trying to get out of a horrific relationship with the most loathsome of people we've ever had the misfortune of knowing. What’s worse is they have a child he is now using as his weapon of choice. I am sympathetic to your plight and I wish you God's grace and mercy!

[deleted account]

It is always hard when there are little ones involved, but she is an adult and has made her own choices and she needs to learn from the consequences that are before her. If you feel the little ones are in danger, are not eating well, etc., you can file a report with child protective services so that they can help to force her hand to see the choices that she is making are not good nor healthy for her nor the children. It is a hard thing to do, but with Gods help and your Love, you will all get past this. I've been there, I made bad choices growing, I have 3 grow successful children, 2 younger ones and two grandkids. I also know many others in you situation and the out comes is a positive one. Good luck and God Bless.

Denise - posted on 11/10/2009

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You are doing a great job trying to help and you are legitimate in you concerns, my grandtr is just two and has early Intervention once a week for a slight speech delay--if you offered that in your area--it will be a great help -- my grandtr is now trying to put together 4-5 words together at 26 mos--you could approach the idea to your dtr as getting as an outside opinion and an evaluation could not hurt--your dtr may just have to agree--although I have a little suspicion she is not being totally honest with her child pediatrician--he would def refer her to Early Intervention or some kind of other program--Question--was your grandtr a preemie?

Lori - posted on 11/10/2009

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something needs to be done before the neighbors turn her in to D.S.S. and they will come take her kids. maybe if you let her know that she will get rid of that peice of crap. My kids would come 1st, not no man

Sarah - posted on 11/10/2009

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Karen, if there is no food in the house for the children, then this is very serious. Some "tough love" may be in order. An anonymous call to child protective services would prompt a visit from an agent and may be enough to snap your daughter back into reality.

Nancy - posted on 11/10/2009

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I truely feel sorry for you. My daughter has made horrible decisions also. She is engaged to a piece of crap that can't afford to get divorced from his wife. He has two kids from his wife, one by my daughter and who knows how many by other women. She collects welfare and they blow all of their money. They never pay bills. She had a great credit history and was attending college until she met him. When she met him she quit school and ran off to live with him. He bought a new car under her name and never made a payment. 4 months later it was repo'd and he puts all his bills in her name because get this-------- his wife ruined his credit! He never pays child support and they both have backed out paying student loans. Her bill collectors call us none stop and she lives 4 hours away from me. We have tried to talk her into leaving him and coming home so we could help her raise our granddaughter, but we are horrible people according to her. I have NEVER HATED anyone as much as I hate him. I told my daughter that I hated him the minute I met him and I will hate him until the day I die. I just pray every day that she will come to her senses soon and she will come back to us. I will pray for your family also. I wish you all the best.

[deleted account]

I guess my suggestion is that you not give her anything and ask friends, neighbors, etc. not to give her anything. Until she feels the real impact of her bad choices, she will likely continue to make them and she will never feel that impact as long as others are bailing her out. I know it is tough because of the kids, but I think many people use their kids to enable them to continue making bad choices.

Bobbi - posted on 11/10/2009

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You tell her, unless they start working, get on some kind of game plan your taking the kids!! She cant get child support without her kids. Taking away her means of support,might straighten her out. Those kids are the ones hurting and suffering and its your responsibility as their grandmother, too do whats best for them..Call Child protective services in the area if you cant take care of them! GOOD LUCK

Laura - posted on 11/10/2009

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I totally can relate, Karen!
In my daughter's case, she got to actually talk to her bio-father on the phone a few years ago. When I told her I'd give her his number to stay in touch, she said "he's nuts. I wouldn't WANT to know him or talk to him again ever!" He is a real airhead and he, too, had told me to abort her back in our college days.
Her step-dad, my current husband, has narcissistic personality disorder, so he's unable to give her the love she needs at all even now.

Karen - posted on 11/10/2009

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That is also true with April's father who passed three years ago. He was an alcoholic and was 3 times over the limit and crashed his Budget truck with go-carts in them and it burnt him up. April's father walked out on me when I was 2 1/2 mo pg and told me to get an abortion. He wanted full custody of her at 11, even though he never spent a lot of time with her thru that. She was 11 and told him I don't know you. I know that is what April is looking for, the love and peace that comes with a good relationship with your daughter. Her stepfather and I are divorced and he shows her more attention then my her father. So, I agree with her.

Laura - posted on 11/10/2009

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well Karen, in my situation, my eldest daughter picked the "scrub" because her step-father/my husband basically never gave her the love she craved. My eldest got the brunt of the abuse from my husband, and so she continues to search for "love in all the wrong places."

Karen - posted on 11/10/2009

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Gettting custody would not work. I had her living here with me and I got tired of her "gypsy" ways and dragging the kids with her. As a mother she does love her kids, they are bathed, and taken care of, I just keep praying that God will take him out of her life and she figure it out on her own. How come one daughter is doing great and the other is being totaly crazy. Yes, I pray,. and yes, I worry. Those kids have always been here except for about three months. I will not take him in, he can work just as good as I can and do.

Kathy - posted on 11/10/2009

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Hi, I also have a 28 yr old daughter who gets ssi and is living with a guy weho won't work, they only have 1 child, a 2 1/2 yr old. This guy can't or won't work, but his mother lives with them and is currently working, so at least there is someone in the household working. The guy is hard to get along with, we believe he is also on the autistic spectrum, as my daughter is, but not dxed. They do get medicaid and food stamps and so I don't worry abt them not having food, but I am concerned abt my granddaughters develpoment. They spend time with her but not enough, she is behind developmentally and now they are allowing me to see her but we can't keep her overnight. She is missing out on valuable development resources, they stay in the house playing games and watching TV. I am concerned that she don't get enough interaction with people, she seems so sad when we see her and she latches onto us and don't want to let go. They don't want her to be a "needy" child, crying to get her way, want her to be satisfied be play by herself, and be happy with that. They love her but are inexperienced at being parents, both are very immature. I have told them that the child is the main concern, not their feelings and I will do what I have to to see that she is taken care of--which is why they won't let us take her overnight. What should I do---they both say" people development at diff. rates," but she is not really talking at all---more like a 10-12 mo. old, and not putting any words together at all. What should I do??

Laura - posted on 11/10/2009

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As far as what you do...you report the situation so the children are taken out of it and let your daughter do what she wants.

Laura - posted on 11/10/2009

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Karen, I echo what Bridgette said...pray and leave it there. My situation is that I have 4 children, all girls. The eldest is living with a guy who is crass, perverted and flat out RUDE to everyone. My next daughter pretty much "plays" with guys like they are toys, has a daughter of her own, and lies like a rug! My 15 year old is homeschooled, usually treats people decently, has no boyfriends, is working on her drivers license, and is a big help to me. My youngest, age 10 is a social butterfly and lives in constant fantasy. Each child is different and we raise them as well as we can, but there comes a time when our raising of them has to change to our letting them make their own choices and respecting though not agreeing with those choices.
You aren't alone.

Stephanie - posted on 11/09/2009

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Hi Karen! Keep praying...but offer some advise as to who can help with food..Angel Food Ministries or churches in her area. That might help as far as food goes. Try talking to her and put things in such a way that makes her WANT to do better. Like the kids. Unfortunately, until she decides that she wants to make a change, there isn't alot you can do. Just be there for her and listen. Make her stand on her own two feet. Good luck!

[deleted account]

Pray, pray and pray, that is about all you can do. Are the children in danger? Are they eating? You could try to get custody of them, but you would have to prove that your daughter is unfit, and that is hard to do. Try to take the children home with you when you can and make sure they are fed, but otherwise, give it to the Lord! Good luck!

Sandy - posted on 11/08/2009

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My daughter is also 28 and lives with a guy who doesn't have a real job and has a 3 year old and is pregnant by him so I have nothing, but I am here to listen if you want to talk. She has a college education, works, has a car, bills, but has no common sense when it comes to the guys she is picking and now they are bringing another person in the world.

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