Defiant 19 year old daughter

Mary - posted on 01/05/2013

If your daughter has decided to be adult treat her like one give her the same rules as you would any adult living in your house and don't argue the point. It sounds like she wants the financial support (benifits of home) of a child and privlages of an adult let her know she can't have both and if you don't like the boy tell him he's not wellcome in you home.

Lisa - posted on 12/27/2012

@Lisa, clap clap clap, that is what is what is suppose to be done, if she was right then she would not be sneaking in. And if the place she was at was so good for her to be at in the wee hours, why didnt she shower there?

Kudos to you...

Lisa - posted on 12/27/2012

Good luck!! I too am experiencing an issue with my 19 yr old daughter, who is risking being thrown out over a boy. She visited him out of town against my wishes of course and after 7 days calling me for money to get back home. Im not for sure how that works, you ask for assistance from me after being so defiant. They have defiance and adulthood confused.

I don't blame myself for her decision, I know that I have raised her right. And your child has made the right choice to seek a counselor, hopefully she can have light shed on her about people who lie about who they say they are, and chasing rainbows with fake colors.

Once again, good luck!

Rose - posted on 12/09/2010

Counseling is good. She is an adult. Stick to your guns about the ground rules. Jeeze!! Life is so hard sometimes. Good Luck!!!

Leigh - posted on 12/08/2010

I concur. You have laid down reasonable rules. She will not abide by reasonable rules. Time to learn how to be an adult if she feels she is one. Tough love time, Mama. I've done it...it's not easy. Never easy and as you already know, you'll be awake nights wondering where, why, how. I don't know how my situation will turn out, but she is moving back in after Christmas with my granddaughter. She is working and wanting to start college...so...as long as she meets her responsibilities and is civil...ok...more than civil...I can deal with this. I wish you the best of luck and a strong, loving, tough Mama's heart. You have to make a decision to do what is best for the "whole" family and stick by it. You can always message me if you need another shoulder. After 2.5 years, I hope that my family can be whole again. I think yours can too, but tough love is in order.

Lisa - posted on 12/08/2010

I must clarify, My daughter's friends dad was flirting with my daughter and when she came back to us we told her to be home on school nights before 12:00am We let her go out but she was gone all day and all night and would shower, eat and sleep and then off again with friends or boyfriend. Last week she came home in wee hous of the morning to sneek in, use the shower , grab some clothes and be gone before I got up. THAT IS WHY I ASKED FOR THE KEY! aLSO WHY I FEEL SHE SHOULD PAY RENT OR BE OUT BY MID JANUARY!!!

Lisa - posted on 12/08/2010

Hi, Here is more of the drama...My daughter moved out of our house behind my back and moved in with a friend and after having her license for 2 weeks took the car, and all her clothes and left everything behind for alittle over 3months. I went to talk to her at her friends house . I went to see what was going on, since I didn't see this coming! She said she was, DONE with me and her father. The friends father and brother told me to get off their property! I told them if she wanted to live there then it was fine with me, but that the car was registered to me and that i would like the keys. My daughter refused to give me the car keys and her friend's brother called the police. So, the cops came and said that my daughter was an adult and could stay there and made her relinquish the keys. I did what I had to do, being that she was a new driver and I was afraid she would get tickets or crash the car. Then it would be on my record. I did not hear from her. I called the friends dad to ask to speak to her, but she refused to talk to me, since i stop paying her cellphone. Which the BF's dad said I had no right to do and accused me of being uncaring and promised that he would buy her a car since I took away the other, Nice friend's dad. He told my daughter I didn't care about her and only the car. Anyway my daughter called me and told me that the family she was living with was acting very cold and strange. The father was a "little" too friendly. So I brought her back to live with us. Then after we told her she would need to be home before 12:00pm and at least call by 1:00am if she would be out late, she moved out after 3 months. Then over these last 4 years has moved in and out over 3 times. This last May 2010 she came back, knowing that we would require her to pay $100.00 a month IF she would not help around the house. So now we are going into the Holidays with DRAMA again, She has paid $60.00 once in in Aug. and $20.00 last week. She comes home after 3:00am if she comes home and sometimes is gone for over 3 days with out calling or texting after we call her. Now she has been crying that she has no money for rent...but the day before Thanksgiving had bought herself a $100.00 coat, $30.00 boots, and new shoes and clothes. She syas that I give her migranes and is REALLY disrespectful. I asked her for the house key and she locked herself in her room and refused to give it to me. Her dad finally got the key, since we told her we would be forced to change the locks. her reply, " Not if I call the social services, you can't denie me access to my clothes. She said that she has a spending problem and that I stress her out so she wants me to get her counceling! As I write this i see how pointless counceling would be, cause she belives that I am the one with the problem. Not just me but her father who is curently on unemployment( do to stress at his demanding sells job). She also thinks her 10 yr old brother is a problem since he doesn't have as much chores as hers. Which is: clean your own room, keep the main bathroom tidy, and help with the dishes. Patti if you read this, can you relate?

Leigh - posted on 12/08/2010

I have a daughter that at 17 I asked/told to move out of my house for bad behavior. After the third time I called the police to the house due to her abuse of me, I put my foot down in order to have some peace and my son also to have some peace and quality of home life. Here it is 2 years later, she'll be 20 in Feb., and she is moving back in with her 1 yr old daughter. Bad choices are made in every family...whether by the child or parent. None of us are perfect or have all of the answers. My daughter has had to come to grips with her bad decisions/behavior and wants a family again. With her now being a parent, it has made a difference in how she views things. I don't begin to say that all is rosy and perfect, but I will say that it's life. Life is part of learning what battles to pick and what stands to make. I will not apologize for what I demanded...I will apologize for having my son in a hellish home life for as long as I allowed it to go on. Pick your battles with her, but make sure that she is accountable for her actions and is either in school & working part time, or if not in school, working full time and providing a small stipend to you for her upkeep. It is perfectly within your realm to say you do not want the boyfriend at the house...then enforce that but say no more about him. She'll figure it out soon enough...if she hasn't already. He'll show his true colors...wait and see if he doesn't.

Lisa - posted on 12/07/2010

I have a daughter exactly like yours, but ran away at 18 for 3 months. Wouldn't talk to me, call, or email. She told me and her father that, she was done with us. 4 years later and moving in and out of our home is getting really stressful for us. Today we caught her in a lie, so she huffed and puffed cuz we asked her for the house key. I want to write more , and will do so later. I need a mom who can relate. How is it going for you 2 now? Did she get counciling?

Kathy - posted on 12/07/2010

she is 19 so there are not a lot of options. I have been through this If you keep giving her negative reactions about this young man you may push her right into his arms. It is unfornate the choices that our children make sometimes but we have to remember we can not make decisions for them weather we agree or not, counsling is a good option. another option is when she is seeing him it can not be at your house..

Lynn - posted on 12/03/2010

G Luck...glad I'm not n ur shoes...just b there 4 her when n if she falls...never say I told u so...also if u have a higher power may I suggest praying

Joy - posted on 12/02/2010

teenagers, i think it is payback sometimes,
it is great you have her going to someone to talk to, and hopefully this will help her wake up to him,
but i found it was best to keep my month closed whenn it came to gf and bf, for the more you say the more they go toward the person, it took one of my sons 6 years to wake up to his problem, but he did and realize a little to late, but is happier now, we also kicked him out for this reason, but they can only learn by there mistakes not by ours, the same way we all did when we were young,

Shelley - posted on 12/02/2010

and i dont think she resents you, she resents authourity, and being told what to do, when to do it, and how...

Shelley - posted on 12/02/2010

take your daughter out to lunch, have an adult chat to her, ask her what she wants from you, and tell her what you want from her, ask her where she wants to be in 5 years time. ask her to write down all the positive things she can think of about the boyfriend, and then all the negative things, tell her you love her, theres more to life than just having a boyfriend, encourage her to look at other things in life, travel, employment, volunteer work, cooking, find something shes interested in and get her to focus on that.good luck,

Elizabeth - posted on 12/02/2010

i can relate to you i have a 18year old daughter h
who pick a bad one for her first boyfriend too he is too controling and they have only beeb together almost 3 months only good thing is see register for college full time starts end of jan all we can do is be there for them when they get hurt fall and pray most of all this week so far kaitlyn and i have been trying and had been a better week good luck hold you head up we will get thjru this

Donna - posted on 12/01/2010

I would just accept the boyfriend. The more you tell her you don't like him and not to see him the more you push her towards him. She is 19 and has to make her own decisions in life. I would not kick her out because of her choice of boyfriend. If she is living at home until she can afford to move out you know she is safe. It's hard to sit by and let them make mistakes but that's how you grow and learn in life.
Don't fight with her. If she says stuff to get you going just ignore it. If you don't respond there can't be any arguing.

Joy - posted on 12/01/2010

That was a really good move to get counseling and I am sure you will probably be able to work things out with the counselor. My oldest are 24 and 22 and by time they were 19 they had bought their own cars and had full-time jobs and paid for their own bills. When my 24 year old was 16 she had a boyfriend that was a real loser and we both told her over and over how bad he was and she wouldn't listen. Finally we backed off and prayed together every night for her. The next night she had a dream and realized how bad he was and broke up with him. Prayer works wonders too!

Ginamarie - posted on 11/30/2010

Patti,
It sounds like you are really agonizing over this. I do have a question for you. How long has she been dating this stellar of virtue? Was she under 18 when they started dating? There are things that you have control over in this situation, and certain things that you do not. Let me start with the things you don't have control over. If she started dating him after she turned 18, there is nothing you can do to "make" her stop seeing Prince Charming. Legally , she is old enough to make that decision--even if it is a bad one.
You can't make HIM stop seeing your daughter. Those are the things that you DON'T have control over. However, you DO have control whether or not he is allowed inside your house-- even if your daughter lives there. You should let her know that yes, she is allowed to make her own decisions- but some decisions come with consequences. If this man has a problem with stealing -- you have every right to protect your belongings . Does he have a record? It sounds like they ( both your daughter and her beau) want things their way- to stay at home with mom and dad and younger siblings AND declare themselves as independent adults. If you do not htink you are being told the full story on this guy- check him out... so some snooping or hire someone to do it for you- I think it should be done anyway....to find out once for all, his actual age ,credit history or any other public indiscretions. You have the right and the obligation to protect your other children. Do you really think therapy will help? Or is she doing this to appease you and your husband? IF you decide to make her move out- you must be willing to deal with any of the fallout. I do think that your daughter will eventually grow out of this guy and decide on her own that she deserves better. I think your daughter is so resentful because you don't agree with her choices. You didn't do anything wrong and her bad decisions are not your fault.Your daughter is legally an adult, but she's far from a grown up. I'm crossing my fingers and saying a prayer that things will eventually work out for the best. Good Luck!

Linda - posted on 11/30/2010

I think it is awesome that you at least got her to go to counseling. Maybe it is worth the cost to have a background check on him. Tough spot you're in. Does she have a job? She'll have to get one if you don't supply her with money. Then maybe she'll meet a new croud. Lots of luck

Laura - posted on 11/30/2010

I'm sorry you are going through this. I was that girl, the one like your daughter. My parents told me I was off the dole. I had to pay rent, insurance on the car (didn't have to buy my own, as I had an old one from them), didn't get money to go out, buy clothes etc. They let me make the decisions I had to without supporting the bad behavior. I'm not sure what they would have done had I been living with them, but the complete cut off was an eye opener. They always said they loved me and would be there for me, they just couldn't support my behavior. It took some time, but I figured it all out. now we are truly best friends. Hold your ground and don't give in, but stop fighting about it. Lay down the rules and stick with them.

Rose - posted on 11/29/2010

Well to begin with she is 19, try treating her that way. If she lives with you make her pay rent, help out around that house like maybe 1 night a week it is her turn to take care of dinner for everyone.
As a parent it is hard to let them go, but you must trust that you guided them in the right direction while raising them.
At 19 they are going to make mistakes and we just hope that they learn from them. Try hard not to be over protective. Of course she is not going to act 30 cuz she is still 19 and learning about life,

Randi - posted on 11/27/2010

my mom always told me, about my son who is about to be 26 in feb. you just let them try their thing and they come around, they have to learn from what they do in life and some times they realize the miss hap they have chosen. give her some time to make her mess and she can clean it up when its a mess. keep him out of the other two childrens lives, he sounds like a real looser. she knows what is right, she just has to make her own way, and will rather you like it or not.

Debra - posted on 11/27/2010

shouldn't she be off at college focusing on a career instead of a deadbeat boyfriend?

Dee - posted on 11/27/2010

I feel for you about this. It's always hard when people we love make decisions that we don't approve of. I really need to echo what others have said: your daughter is 19 and makes her own decisions about who she wishes to date. The only rules you can put in place are not allowing him in your house, or being in with your other children. I urge you to back off, unless you want her to leave, then its your right to tell her to leave, regardless if she has a place to stay. The only time I would do that is if she is a over the top rude, a danger to your family or can't abide by house rules and lets the BF hang out at your home. The more you bad mouth him, the harder she will hold on to her choice of a partner, if nothing more than to prove she can!

I wonder what would happen if you said,"Honey, we love you very much. We don't find _____ to be our favorite person, but know that he is special to you. We don't, however, feel good about him at our house, or with your siblings. So, if you want to see him it has to be away from here. These need to be our house rules. Can we agree on this? We won't pressure you about him, or make comments against him. Let's get back to keeping the relationship we have together healthy." Hopefully, he will soon lose his appeal when you stop pushing her away and into his life. Best of luck!

Crickett - posted on 11/27/2010

so sorry you are going thru this. may i quote dr phil..the more we try to warn them away , with any sign of anger from anyone we send them rite into the others arms... i would suggest you set firm rules of household behavior. let her know in your home she must act as you have always required. do this as a couple if you can. then set the two of them down together explain to the young man that if your daughter cares for him you would like a good relationship with hme. you must let him understand if he wants to spend time in your home he must follow basic rules you set down. your home is your home treat him like a neighbor. you would not let a neighbor come over and act any way they want without some kind of quidelines set the same with him... hope it works

Ginny - posted on 11/26/2010

your daughter is an adult. ultimately it's her mistake to make or not. you do not have to allow him in your home, but make sure this can't be resolved nicely. meet his parents, find out what the truth is about his age etc., without telling them he lied. just act like you are finding out for the first time.
try hard to make agreements you can keep, and do counseling as long as needed.

Denise - posted on 11/26/2010

She is 19 but if she has no where to go how can you ask her to move out? Why does she resent you? I believe you will know the answer to that. We all make mistakes & the more you voice your disapproval the more attractive he becomes. If you have given her your ethics & boundaries are in place she will be ok. BTW, she is still a teenager!

Paula - posted on 11/26/2010

Tread lightly here. Set clear boundaries, continue to tell your daughter how much you love her, respect her choices. This is a very hard process as far as parenting goes but she is an adult. Glad to hear she was open to counseling. Maybe you could find someone to talk to as well and bounce some thoughts off of.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/25/2010

i feel for you my daughter turn in oct 18 and pick a bad first boyfriend too are we can do is pray they find the right way and better choice next time

Patsy - posted on 11/25/2010

I'll be blunt , theres nothing you can do except it , no comments or conversations about it she will find out in her own time ! Get your house at peace ! Just let her know hes not welcome in your house and leave it at that !

Pam - posted on 11/24/2010

Counseling is always a good idea, in good times and bad. She will always be your daughter-relationships with those you like and dislike will happen through out her/your life. Be there for her, if she was my daughter/son, I would NEVER kick her out! She needs you, again, in good time and bad. I always "accepted" whom ever my children chose, bit my tongue if needed. They will find out what the other person is like-usually from their peers/friends. But she will need you when her heart is broken. We had a no fight policy in our home-everyone could discuss issues-but not judge or diminish each other, but be there for each other. We had 4 children-no matter what their age-their still our children. Again just be there for them and hope the counseling works.

Deb - posted on 11/23/2010

Less is more. It takes 2 to argue. I try not to get sucked into defending myself. My counselor told me to use the broken record technique and when you are being pulled into the vortex you just keep saying over and over again "I love you too much to argue". It works and the plus part is it stops the fighting and gives them a little taste of being stressed. The other thing I like is turning it back on them. "What are you going to do about that?" "I'm sorry you feel that way" What are you going to do about that, good luck, and walk away. Some of this is from Love and Logic and some is just common sense, good luck, I've been through this before.

Chaya - posted on 11/23/2010

You can kick her out if that's in the best option, if she's a minor in your area, you can't. You can tell her the boyfriend is not welcome at your place

Cj - posted on 11/22/2010

She is only 19, that is an age where they know everything, and really knows very little. First back off the boyfriend, let her find out for herself. Hard to do, but the more you bad talk about him, the better he looks to her. Talk about any thing but him!! As far as his lying, call him on it in a nice way. The more they feel attacked the closer they will get. This will be one hard test for you. Ask her about what she has done for the day, but not about him. I do agree that you do not want this around your other children, you must always look out for them as well. It might help if you go with her to some of the counseling as well, shows that you are willing to do everything you have to work with her. Bottom line, she will either learn what he is about or will have to learn a very hard lesson. My heart goes out to all of you. Good luck!

Louise - posted on 11/22/2010

I have to say that at 19 she is not a child anymore! My son is 19 and has moved out to university and is very mature for his age. Your daughter is old enough to make her own mistakes now and sometimes as a parent you have to step back. Tell her that you do not want him in the house around the other children and then leave it at that. If she is continually rude or disrespectful then just tell her she has to move out and give her a deadline. She will either buck her ideas up or move out and experience the real world. I don't think counceling is going to help she has made her choice all you can do now is protect the other children or take a stronger stance and throw her out.

Patti - posted on 11/21/2010

Thank you both for your thoughts and support. It helps to hear from others that someone else understands how much you love your child and how helpless you feel. I always want a relationship with my daughter but, I also know that I can't be someone who does not have the character to stand up for my values and morals.

Marion I hope you can find a way to have contact with your daughter and grandchildren. I can only imagine your pain and wish you good luck. Patti

Marion - posted on 11/20/2010

I do wish you luck. I am going through a similar issue with my 20 yr old daughter. She has refused to have anything to do with me since Sept 7th. All because of her dog. We got into an arguement because she dumped her dog on us in March, when her husband joined the Army. To make a long story short, the promises that were made to provide for the dog were not kept, after 6 months of having put up with my yard getting destroyed, household items getting broken etc, I found a home for the dog. My daughter says she isn't mad at me about the dog and finding her a new home was fine. But ... my daughter says she wants nothing to do with me anymore. She has a gorgeous little boy who I miss dearly, she just gave birth to her daughter to which I was not to be told when she went into labor. My so called good friend and her father kept this from me. We found out when a text msg was sent to my 15 yr old . My daughter leaves for S. Korea next month for 2+ yrs. I don't know how to fix this with her, believe me I have tried. Do I just leave her alone and maybe one day she will contact me? I have 3 other girls at home, she hasn't just hurt me but they are hurt by her actions too.
Any input would be welcome too.
Good luck Patti, I wish you well

Deb - posted on 11/20/2010

Having teenagers is no easy feat. And your daughter is becoming an adult that is thinking for herself. As much as you dislike her choice and want her to do so much better you can't force it. But, if she is living under your roof then she is going to have to respect you as the homeowner. It would be the same no matter where she lives unless she moved out on her own.

I wish you lots of luck and hopefully the counselor will make some progress. I know this is not easy at all for YOU and your spouse. Remember to take some time for you too! This stress is not good for anyone!