Difficult 11 yr daughter

Ame - posted on 07/25/2012

I have a 9 year old daughter. I dont have the patience to deal with her tantrums, bad attitude, talking back, lack of respect..... she can be good at times but its mostly bad. When she starts it doesnt stop, smacking, time outs, taking away her cell phone, TV & games... she couldnt care less....... Her father doesnt apply dicipline, so I'm on my own....She hates me and LOVES the father.... will this ever get better?

Joy - posted on 03/18/2009

kids are beautiful, although mine are all grown up, these are the days i wont forget, if i said no would go ask dad, and the interesting part was when they would do it front of me,

but me and hubby worked that one out and  it would come to what did mum/dad say, get there answer and then sya ok i will talk to dad/mum and let you know, with the attiude well i would give it back, stamp my feet, say in a minute,im busy, etc and the look on there faces was pricelesss, but it ksort of helped,

but please remember when they get older, they love the chance to repeat to you what you used to say to them, my middle son who was 20 at the time had the chance to throw one of my sayings back at me,  ,he brought me tea one night and asked me what i wanted and my answer was i want such and such kand his reply was, you will get what you are given not you want lol then finished ears to say that to you laughing

Nadine - posted on 03/18/2009

Every child is different. You have to figure out what works with each one. Taking away privlidges may work.Grounding may work also but it's pretty much a hit and miss. Just keep trying different things until you find the one that works. My daughter really had an attitude problem. When she was about 12 I would take away the phone and she thought she would die without it. Good Luck

Kathy - posted on 03/18/2009

My 11 year old daughter has ADHD, axiety/depresssion, and "oppositional/defiant tendencies". She started doing some insane things when she was in 2nd grade. In 3rd grade, right after her ADHD diagnosis by her pediatrician, she told someone a lie about being burned and we had to deal with a social worker for3 months. At the SW's suggestion we took her to a psychologist and that is when she was diagnosed with the other stuff. She has been in counseling with a LCSW for almost 2 years now. She has always been a daddy's girl and so she has defiance towards me (sometimes her dad eggs it on and refuses to admit that he is making it worse) and now that she is older and bigger she is in the phase of yelling at me and slamming doors. I have 3 kids that are 6 and 8 years younger than her and she is jealous of the time required of me to care for them, especially when my soldier husband has been deployed 3 times in the last 5 years.

I try to make time for her when I can, to take her shopping and go with her to her Girl Scout meetings now that my husband is back to take the little ones that one night a week. THey want us to back off, but they still want our attention, just in a different way now that they are maturing. I find that one thing that works a lot of times with her, though not always, is making full eye contact with her when I am talking to her about her behaviour, same as I do with my little children. I tell her to look at me and I keep my eyes on her eyes and tell her that I love her no matter what, but her behavior is unacceptable and will not be rewarded.

I don't know if that helps since I've got extenuating circumstances and I just started this roller coaster ride, but hang in there, we're all on this log ride together.

Mandy - posted on 03/18/2009

Hi Denise,  I went through the same with my daughter Lori at that age, we had been really close up until then. It was difficult for a few yrs but hold on in there because it really does get better. The arguments got louder as she found a voice but with my husbands help we managed to hold it all together, although I'm ashamed to say now we had a few screaming matches when he wasn't around but try to carry on as normal if that happens and dont feel too bad about it if it does, my daughter says it didnt really bother her in fact she said later it was a good way to let off steam because she knew she was in a safe environment (i.e home) at the time.

Lori is now 21, a qualified nursery nurse with a good job and still living at home so those few yrs didnt have any long lasting effect on our relationship which is now as good as ever.

If you need an ear at any time, I'm always about, Goood luck much love mandy x

Vanessa - posted on 03/18/2009

Hi Denise,

  I feel your pain, I have 2 teen boys and my daughter is now 20. I can remember very trying times in her teenage years. There is some good advice on here for you , setting boundries and listening is the best advice I can give.. I just wanted to let you know from my experiences with my very head strong and self asurred daughter of mine that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just think of it this way, adolecsence is a short period of time in a lifetime, it will get better. My daughter and I are very close again and best friends. We look back at those "trying years" and laugh about them now. Stick firm to your beliefs of what is best for her, guide her and talk to her, this is all you can do. One day she will be that same lovely little girl in a womans body and you and her will be ok.

Denise - posted on 03/17/2009

Mary thanks for the advice. I dont blame you for putting a stop to the texting, it

seem he was a little obessed. OMG what am I in for.

Mary - posted on 03/17/2009

Cuz it only gets worse sorry to tell ya. Samantha started with the attitude at 11 now she is 12 and its getting worse now that she is in junior high but sit here down and let her know she can tell you anything and you will not judge her. That way the lines of communication stay open. Samantha has a 9th grader that has a crush on her and was texting her every 5 minutes I had to put a stop to that so I took cell away and the next time he texted her I texted him back and let him know I have her phone and he needed to stop texting her or I would talk to his parents. He is the brother of her best friend. he is also 3 years older then samantha. Grrrrr

Denise - posted on 03/16/2009

Ladies Thank you for your advice. I will definitely start setting boundaries for her

I'm glad I'm not the only parent going thru this.

Carla - posted on 03/16/2009

I have an 11 year old who is going through the same thing.  Sometimes with this age it's all about giving her space but not too much space.  the earlier post by Dawn Coble Schoate is so true about the fences....The female hormone is a very evil thing.  I find when my daughter is in her "mood" I try not to be too overbearing and give her her privacy and don't make a big fuss over everything with her.  I find when I do this in the next day or so she comes around and wnats affection from Mommy.  Knowing when to do this is the trick.  I also find that when she is defiant or has an attitude I just sternly tell her that her actions and tone of voice are not appropriate and she will lose privledges i.e. sleeping over at a friend's house, a new book, etc.  That seems to work very well.  No shouting, ranting or raving but if you take this action you must follow through with it.  I know this is a very difficult time and you want to be close to her.  Just remember you will have time to be friends later on in life.  Right now she needs a mother who will give her boundaries.  She may not like it or even understand it now but in the end she will.  P.S.  I have experience in that I helped raise my stepdaughter who is now 28.  She is a very happy, responsible adult who thanks me on numerous occasions for being a mother to her.

Marie - posted on 03/16/2009

Hi Denise, i am new today to this site and never done this sort of thing before.I ahve a 13 yr old daughter and 15 yr son, they were both great until they hit the 10 yr mark so i deffinately understand.All i have been told is that it will get better!However, i feel you must stay united with your husband in disciplining her as she will try and play you off against each other, as in asking you something you say no then going to her dad and unbeknowns to him, ask him the same and he will prob say yes lol hope this makes sense but hang in there xx marie age 40 cheshire uk

Dawn - posted on 03/15/2009

I don't know if I have any real advice accept to say I think they all start to have an attitude around this age. My daughter is 12 and when she was 11 she started to become more defiant and having an attitude. She never did this before. She was the best baby and young child in the world til this point! I can tell you hormones really do have a lot to do with it. She "become a woman" right after her twelth birthday. I also have a son who is 17 so i can really say the tween years and early teens are the worst, and unfortunately girls are more emotional, and in my opinion, harder to handle. Just be consistent and hang in there. I would not give up working with her though because she needs your respect. I know it's like hitting your head in the wall but you'll reap the rewards, in time, for standing your ground and letting her know you won't put up with her insolent attitude! She really is testing you right now and like one of my favorite sayings for children goes, "The difference between wild horses and tame horses are fences!" Now is the time to put up those fences! Best wishes. :)