Difficult relationship with stepdaughter.

Gladys - posted on 01/19/2010

when i married my hubby he had a 3yr old daughter,we have been married now for 22yrs. it wasn't easy at all,she was trouble too. my hubby had 3 older girls that were all grown up,loved them and got along great with them. i have 4 kids of my own,my baby at the time was 15,and a pill. but he was easy and very good to my hubby. my hubby would take her side even if he wasn't around to see what happened. she would say i did this or that and he would yell at me,so i made it a point if she was at our house she went where ever he went she didn't stay with me. if she wanted something or to do something he had to give her permission to do it. but letting him decide means u have to go along with it weather u agree or not.but it does get easier to set back and let him decide what goes on. your hubby and u will have less fights,i can say 3 yrs and she will be gone out on her own.......lol my stepdaughter has done alot of changing towards me,loves me now,alot of it is issues they have with their own mom. my stepdaughter would get me in trouble and that would make her mom happy,and if her mom was happy that was what counted with my stepdaughter. i have to tell u even my stepdaughter's mom has told me she is sorry for what they put me threw,and that was one of the best days in my life.i went to a parenting class years ago and one of the things that stayed with me was ,when u tell a child to do something and they give u flack walk away,don't stand there and fight with them,because when u do u will loose the fight. u have to stay the adult. ps when u disagree with something your hubby allows,wait until u are alone with him and tell him so but don't fight with him either just walk away. another thing i used to do was put notes in my hubby's lunch box telling him how i felt,that gave him time to think about it and usually that was the best way to deal with issues.

DeAnna - posted on 01/17/2010

Teenage girls are not born with an "attitude" that will come about in their teen years. If they are not respected as people from the time they are born and see the people in their lives they are to look to as role models respecting each other (parents) then that is when the attitude comes into play. YOu are in my opinion in a dead end relationship. You have NO baggage but yet you say you have NO chance at a new relationship. Please "respect YOU" before anyone else. Your husband and you need to be on the same page or you will be wasting another 10 and 10 and 10 and 10 and 10 years with him and his baggage. You have alot of decades to come please do what you can to make them happy ones. No one person should ever subject themselves to an unhappy life for the sake of anothers disrespectful child and for their disrespectful parent (dad/your husband) I saw if he does not head your warning of step up to the plate and give me the one "you chose" respect and devotion or you will get a complete DIVORCE. And Please don't let them be idle words!! YOU are beautiful and full of life don't settle for a bad life you only get one. Go meet youself a man near retirement with grown children of his own and be his queen!! That is what all women deserve as long as they don't spend "his/your" live on the couch. Enjoy your days left on this earth and breath some well deserved happiness. I think that giving the two a 10 year go at it is really enough time to prove to me it is not worth it to THEM to be happy in YOUR world. Just showing you the other side of the coin. Hope when you flip it, it lands on the happy side. Good luck to you, DeAnna

Carole` - posted on 01/17/2010

Hi Michelle, man that's a tough one. After raising 3 of your own, you are an authority, you do come with experience. Sounds like your husband is insecure in dealing with his daughter, throwing your experience back at you is his way of "shutting you up" because when you make suggestions he takes it as an insult to his manhood/fatherhood capabilities. My suggestion is to step back, instead of making suggestions, tell your husband your concern and ask him to address it in some fashion with his daughter. If your daughter is able to "cause trouble" between you and your husband it's because she has been permitted to much access to that relationship. Keep your private affairs private. You've done what you could and time flies... that child with be an adult in 5 years and your lives will inevitably change. Good luck.

Donna - posted on 01/17/2010

Teenagers have lots of attitude it would not matter if it were her natural father; she would still be giving you attitude about something at this point in her life. I raised 3 natural daughters and 2 stepdaughters. I also had one natural son. The girls always where harder to raise as teens than my son. The stepdaughters were playing my husband and myself against each other. Sometimes they would side up with me against him, sometimes they would buddy up with me against him. It was a constant tug of war. We finally got family counselling; it helped us not only with the stepkids but with our kids we had toghether.

Amanda - posted on 01/17/2010

I have a similar problem, but its my daughter against my hubby(her stepfather) She tells me she hates him I now have a nearly 1 yr old and its tough I feel like I'm being pulled this way and that way If I say anything to either it is looked upon I'm siding with the other party My daughter is nearly 18 My hubby is stubborn.My daughter is not a bad teenager ITS THE ATTITUDE thats killing us as a family??????????????????

Michelle - posted on 01/16/2010

Hi there my name is michelle,and i know just what you mean.
My husband and i meet 13 years ago and at that time i had a 6 year old daugher,all was going well until he received a letter in the mail for D.N.A testing on a wee girl 8 years old.
It just rocked our world, but we have both managed to deal with the fact that it turned out to be his. Since then we have had 2 children of our own and carry on with life.
Two years ago she came to live with us and has blossomed into a lovely young girl 17 years of age.
I surpose what im saying is no matter what we do as stepmoms our husbands always take these kids sides and the stress levels become impossible and almost do your head in,but im learning to just try and step back and take it in my stride as i still have 2 wee ones to raise and my older daugher is now 19 and moving on with her own life.
Like most stepmoms out there we could be the queen of bloody england, but our men have this thing about protecting these girls because of there own guilt.

Donna - posted on 01/16/2010

Your stepdaughter is at a difficult age but she is not likely to change over night. Or over the next year or so. I have two stepdaughters; they played my husband and me against each for years. They are now 34 and 29 they still try but we have grow older and wiser. You and your husband must find a common ground to stand on as parents. Our marriage was often tried by the tug of war of the girls in the early years. Have you considered family counseling? That is how my husband and I found common ground to stand on. Yes he was reluctant to go. Yet after we began it truly helped all of us. Including raising our younger children we had together. I hope some of this is helpful.

Joan - posted on 01/16/2010

I am on the other side of the fence, I have two children from my previous marriage and we have a little girl together. My older daughter just turned 17 and has more aditude then personality most days. My boyfriends believes that my older children do not respect him and that they never listen to him. I believe myself to be very level headed and openminded and when i do see things similar to what he says I step in and correct my children but there are times when he has oversteped his bounds as well. For the two years directly after the birth of our child this house was IMPOSSIBLE to live in. My oldest daughter was now not the only girl, started teenage hormones issues, and he dad moved across the country.We almost separated becasue I refuse to live in and bring my children up in an enviroment of fighting and aruging and stress. We sought counciling and the family couciler tolds us that Kevin had to step back and let me parent my children and led by example when it comes to respect. Things have gotten better they are not 100% but we are still together. My answer to you is to seek professional advice, there may be an undelying problem.

Barb - posted on 01/16/2010

Michelle: I'm sorry you are having difficulty with your step-daughter. I have been married to a wonderful man for 23 years now & have been in your shoes. This is my 2nd marriage-his 3rd. Hang in there if you can. It does get better. Your step-daughter is acting like she is because she's 15. She is also feeling a lot of rejection from what her Mom has done & is taking it out on you because you're there & it's safe. You won't reject her, & if you do she will feel like she is not worth loving, it confirms the fact that she is so worthless even her own Mother did not want her. It's tough, but hang on, they do grow up & attitudes change. The turning point came for me when I took a big step back from the battle & decided that my step-children(had 2- a boy & a girl) were their father's responsibility & he had to step up & handle the disipline, I simply refused to put up with any more b.s. It seemed to work in my case & it was a descision that worked for me. Hope this helps. Remember, it does get better! Hang in there!

Barb D.

Lisa - posted on 01/16/2010

I am having almost the same problem, My husband was married before me well I inherited his 2 children who were absolutly spoiled by there grandparents and I could never do anything right.Well its going on 8 years that we have been married I have a sone of my own that is 26 and is trying to make it on his own well my husband thought lets bring his son out here from staying with his mother to go to college to see if he can do something with his life. He pays his daughters college payments off already and she works in New York and shes 27 she could be making her own payments. But anyways Carl is here going to school and I for the life of me cannot tell that kid to keep his room clean or do his laundry. He smokes in the front of our house and it looks gross. everytime I say anything to his dad he says quit bitching about my son is that all you can do. So he will do things and make us start a fight same thing when his daughter comes from NY. When they all get together no one talks to me I am just the person that cooks whenever they want to eat. Or when ever they need something. I confronted my husband about it and he says I'm just crazy things aren't like that Then their mom will call and all of them are having a good ol time. I don't know what to think. So I think if someone was to give out advice if you go out with someone find out if they were married before and if they have baggage thats what someone already told me.