Feeling guilty ,should I tell my 19 and 20 year old to pay or leave ?

Cheryl - posted on 11/11/2009 ( 26 moms have responded )

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Okay, I have four children two of which are a boy 19 and a girl 20 . I was out of work for three months last year and I have to say my son stepped up to the plate and took on some of the bills in the house . since then he has helped out a little but I have never asked either of them for so called rent or anything . My daughter did not help during the time I was out of work in fact I had to drive her to work because her car had broken down and she could not afford to fix it .
My son has a full time job and makes pretty good money for a 19 year old (I wish I made the money he does at 19 ) . My daughter works part time at a fast food place and does not make enough to keep her car on the road . I feel guilty about asking them for anything is it not my job to take care of them ?
I feel like my son has been contributing but I feel like my daughter is just using my husband and I and I am afraid to put an ultimatum out there for her because I feel like I may never see her again.
What should I do ?

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Tracy - posted on 11/12/2009

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my heart goes out to you with this dilema that you find yourself in and i am sure it is one that all parents go through. I think that you have to do what is right for you and your family life, and take each child as an individual. If your son is able to help with financial matters then that is how he can contribute. If your daughter is unable to help with money matters i am sure there are things she could do for you and your husband around the house.
My daughter is also 19, holds down a part time job, and a full time course at university. In doing so what she earns just about pays of what she needs in day to day life. But she does help me if and when she can and does alot for me with her autistic brother. As with everything in life its swings and roundabouts. But saying this there does come a time when they do need to learn that living is not free and if there were out in the big wide world, everyday living comes at a cost.

Patti - posted on 11/11/2009

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BELIEVE ME YOU WILL SEE HER AGAIN! I ALSO HAVE FOUR KIDS. ALL ARE OUT AND MARRIED EXCEPT FOR MY SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD SON. IF YOUR SON AND DAUGHTER LIVE AT HOME IT IS YOUR DUTY TO MAKE THEM PAY FOR RENT. THEY ALSO SHOULD HELP OUT AROUND THE HOUSE. TELLYOUR DAUGHTER IF SHE IS NOT MAKING ENOUGH AT A FAST FOOD PLACE ,SHE SHOULD BE LOOKING FOR A JR, COLLEGE SO SHE CAN START THINKING ABOUT BETTER PAY. AS LONG AS YOU LET HER USE YOU SHE WILL.TOUGH LOVE CAN REALLY HELP!

Peggy - posted on 11/12/2009

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Cheryl, I am a mother of 5, 26, 24, 20, 18, 15. My oldest a daughter is married and the only one not still living at home. My husband and I agreed when our children were young that this is how we would do it. When they graduated from high school, they would get a job and go to college. If they chose to go to colleg close by which they have so far, we would "allow" them to continue to live in "our" home. They would pay for their college education, their clothes, and if they had a car their car, insurance and gas. Our oldest daughter graduated from college and our second daughter will be graduating with her degree on November 30th. Our third one our son, will be graduating from one school in a year and going on to another after that, and our fourth one is in his first year and going strong. They all work full time, go to college full time and own their own cars, pay insurance and put gas in it. I over heard one of their friends one time say to them "Wow, your parents are hard core making you pay for everything on your own mine do almost everything for me" My son looked at his friend and replied..."No they aren't they are teaching us life lessons, and teaching us responsibilites."

That is what it is all about...not whether or not your their best friend but whether you have pushed them to learn life lessons so they can survive on their own, be a success and feel good about it. When our kids are done with college then they will be expected to move out on their. The small thing we do is give them room and board, the rest is up to them, and they know that if they quite school they are paying rent or out.

Do your daughter a favor and teach her how to be succesful and proud of herself by making her responsible.

Sharren - posted on 11/12/2009

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I totally agree with Joy Carver. Having them contribute will teach them some responsibility and management with regard to paying bills. If they have something to do with their money other than spend it at the mall, you will also teach them how to manage their money. I know your daughter only works part-time and even if she doesn't have all the money to maintain her car, she should have some of it. I think children learn to appreciate things more when they share the cost of obtaining something (just my experience).

Patti - posted on 11/12/2009

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I have 3, in there 20's, all were out of the house but one is returning. She will be paying me rent as she wants to. I totally believe in Tough Love. It really works. My 2 daughter god love them both work full time and go to college full time one is married and pays everything for her husband and is getting ready to pull Tough Love on him. My other one is struggles bad and is returning home to me for help emotionally but negotiated with me that if she returned home she would pay rent to me if I would help her. If you enable them they WILL walk all over you.

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26 Comments

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Bobbie - posted on 02/03/2013

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Trust me you will see her again,se will use that too not pay anything,she has to grow up,what if she had no choice,My daughter's gave me $25.00 every two weeks when theystarted working in high school,even though i paid all the bills,they could spent the rest on anything they wanted to,it taught them that nothing in this world is free.Your daughter loves you,i know it's hard to see them grow up, in the long run it will help her in life Don't feel guilty,she will undestand when she has chilren of her own

Jo - posted on 11/13/2009

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Guilt! Isn't that a mother's dilemma? We feel guilty when we do and guilty when we dont. We feel guilty if we can and guilty if we cant!



Hi Cheryl,



As members of a family children, regardless of age, should contribute to family life...and when they start to earn an income they contribute to the outgoings.

While my 16 year old daughter is at school and working part time her contribution is through chores and covering her own entertainment and personal clothing expenses...I will buy basics such as underwear, sleepwear and basic footwear etc but label or fashion items are her responsibility. When she ceases her schooling and works full time she will be required to pay board. I believe that this sets them up to understand the need to budget, prioritise and contribute.



I believe that both your children should contribute to the family outgoings on a regular basis.

Darfetta - posted on 11/13/2009

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You should explain to both of your children that as adults nothing is free. I have a 19 yr old daughter and a 24 yr. old nephew whom live with me they each pay $100.00 per week as well as pay one of the utility bills. It's far. It shows responsibilty and prepares them for when they will get out on there own.

Michele - posted on 11/13/2009

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It's easy to feel guilty....but don't. Your not throwing them to the wolves,you are asking for help. Any little bit would help I'm sure, in these times. If you keep going at this rate, you will probably start to feel like your being used. That can cause some resentment which will lead to REAL GUILT. Believe me, I know! My 23 year old was back and forth between being on his own and living with us, for 4 yrs. He couldn't seem to grasp the "being responsible for yourself" thing.When he did live at home we asked for 50.00 a week. The only time he was allowed to skip was if there was a small paycheck and car insurance was due.(no car-no job). Sounds like daughter may need another job, or maybe a 2nd job part-time. Is your son able to save money for when he is able to step out on his own? Anytime you see them at least trying to be independant,I twill be a boost for you all. Good luck to you all.

Maria - posted on 11/13/2009

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who does his chores? please put your foot down,if you give a man a fish he lives for a day ,but teach him how to fish he will live for a life time,give your son some tough love

Lisa - posted on 11/13/2009

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Just let her know how your feeling and just ask for a minimum amount of money like $50 or show her how her portion is contributing what bill. She obviously can't afford to be on her own and everything is SO expensive, so let her know if she can give a little to take the stress off you. Give a little to help a little. Hope that helps.

Veronica - posted on 11/13/2009

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you have raised them, when they get passed 19 , they should want to help your daughter can do something only if she just buys tissue and washing powder, i ask my daughter for money when she gets her own place then i wont ask her for money , she also is 19,what if she had to live out on her own she will need more money, maybe she needs a better job, walmart pays better than a fastfood place!!

Robin - posted on 11/13/2009

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When I turned 18 and had a job my mom told me that I was to pay 75$ a week rent to help out with food and bills in the house. She also explained that it was cheaper than having a place of my own. This I understood and I was glad to help until I was able to get my own place. I help me to set a budget. So tell them this and I am sure they will agree

Wanda - posted on 11/13/2009

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I hear you Cheryl!! My son (youngest) is 23. Still lives @ hm. No job. He worked for his father but had to be layed off (construction). My husband gave him $1,000 to get him on his feet. He blew it. I have been helping him now because his car got impounded (suspended license) He's such a good guy but when do you stop? He pays NO rent contributes nothing to the hm. No chores nothing. Every once in a while if he is hm (back from partying-hanging w/friends) he will cook. I understand the quilt. This is causing serious problems with my husband & I. What to do? Anybody??

Dani - posted on 11/13/2009

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HI, Cheryl... I know how you feel. I am the mother of 4 children.. 2 at home (ages 10 and 12) and two on their own (ages 21 and 23) I beleive that as parents we all want to do what is best for our children. I also feel that the best thing we can do for our children is to teach them responsibility and prepare them fro the real world. Your children may be upset with you for asking them to pay, but being a parent is different from being a friend. It is up to us (the parents) to make tough decisions that will allow our children to grow into productive adults. You may think that if you love them, you will continue to support them, but it is my belief that if you truly love them you will teach the to be self supporting. (give a man a fish and he will eat for a day- teach a man to fish and he will eat for life) Life's lessons are not easy, but neccessary.... good luck!

Barbara - posted on 11/13/2009

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First of all your daughter will always need her mother. Keep that in mind. Give her the ultamatum. She is grown and needs to pay her own way. It is our responsibility to teach our kids to be responsible adults. It is up to you to teach her.

Sara - posted on 11/12/2009

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My girls all knew that they could stay at home rent free if they were in college full time, through their bachelors degrees. But if they didn't keep up adequate GPA or quit then I expected rent of at least 45% their incomes. No rent no room. They didn't always liked me but now they understand, respect it and are responsible educated women. We all like each other and have good relationships. As a Mom we gotta love our kids, but we don't always gotta like them and vice versa.... Good luck

Helaine - posted on 11/12/2009

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This is the time that you need to encourage her to get her CPR or to become a cna license, a lot of times colleges do not tell you what you need to survive, parents have to!

Angela - posted on 11/12/2009

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My daughter is 20, still lives at home and although she does not give me money, she has taken the responsibility of paying some bills in the house. With children today, if you do not let them know that you are having money problems and that you need their help, they will not do so. Everyone is different though, if I as either of my daughters for help they will do all they can to help me. In my family they have been without and do not want to see me struggling since they have jobs. But you have to ask/tell them or they will not always just give the help.

Traci - posted on 11/11/2009

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My mother and father told all of us children that once we graduated from school and started working that we were to pay 30.00 a week. It never hurt any of us. It teaches them responseability. It is not that we had an altumatum it is just the fact that they told us that was the way it was going to be. I did the same with my girls. I hope this helps! I hope that you find the answers you are looking for. God bless

[deleted account]

My 20 year old daughter treats the house like a hotel. She has a good job and is attending a local university. She had been gone for 2 years at another school and in basic training. I have her do her chores the same as before she is saving for her wedding and apartment. I do not pay for her clothes or gas. We only pay for college if she maintains a 3.3 gpa. I think you need to set rules and have them both give into the family. perhaps treat it as tithing and ask for 10% each week. Let them know that they get to keep 90%. That way everyone gives what is fair. As for driving her to work we charge $.15 per mile. That covers wear and tear, gas and partial insurance. Have her set a plan for fixing her car or she will milk it as long as she can. The bus is also a good incentive to get her motivated. Tough love with their best interest in mind.

[deleted account]

Quoting Cheryl:

Feeling guilty ,should I tell my 19 and 20 year old to pay or leave ?

Okay, I have four children two of which are a boy 19 and a girl 20 . I was out of work for three months last year and I have to say my son stepped up to the plate and took on some of the bills in the house . since then he has helped out a little but I have never asked either of them for so called rent or anything . My daughter did not help during the time I was out of work in fact I had to drive her to work because her car had broken down and she could not afford to fix it .
My son has a full time job and makes pretty good money for a 19 year old (I wish I made the money he does at 19 ) . My daughter works part time at a fast food place and does not make enough to keep her car on the road . I feel guilty about asking them for anything is it not my job to take care of them ?
I feel like my son has been contributing but I feel like my daughter is just using my husband and I and I am afraid to put an ultimatum out there for her because I feel like I may never see her again.
What should I do ?


 

Joy - posted on 11/11/2009

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I know it would be hard to ask, but sit down and discuss a reasonable amount. Otherwise you will be enabling them to never totally grow up & take responsibility. Luckily my oldest was in the Marines and very responsible & my baby is a senior in HS so I have not had this problem. I hope you are able to resolve it. You should not feel guilty - easy for me to say.

Ann - posted on 11/11/2009

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How about just being honest and saying, "Your dad and I are really having some financial problems right now so if you could help out in any way, we'd really appreciate it."



I have a 21 year old son who lives at home but is in his third year at college. I've never asked him to pay for anything but he does pay for his own gas and car payment. Good luck!

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