gay daughter

Patricia - posted on 01/12/2010

Not sure if this will help or not but I'm giving you my story. I'm a 54 year old gay woman with two children. My step dad and my dad both had a hard time with this but after talking to a few people they realized I"m still the same Pat and my sexuality didn't change me. It wasn't easy for my parents but they loved me and they realized I was happy and this was what I wanted. I thought I would never be a mom which hurt a lot because that was the one thing I wanted was children. Well little did I know but God had a plan for me to be a mom and I have two of the most beautiful girls ages 5 and 6 that we adopted 2 years ago and they have made my family complete. No, my family isn't conventional but it is a loving and happy family. The other day I was told my girls seem to be happy all the time of course their not, they get in trouble and do things they shouldn't but I teach them the best I can about God and judging others. They love both their moms and all our friends are the best. My parents passed about 14 years ago and never got to me my girls but I know their looking down on us and proud of the family I have. Not sure if this helped at all but your daughter will go through some tough times and will need both her parents and brother. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Karen - posted on 01/11/2010

I have a gay brother so have experienced something similar and have also watched my folks go through it. I think in a way you have to grieve the loss of your dreams. Face it, as Moms we have all had dreams / fantasies of what our children will do and be when they grow up. Your daughter's situation means that those ideas will never come to pass. It's possible, however, that she might have children and also might live a more conventional life than some straight people. If you think about it, there are many straight people who are single parents, stepparents, unmarried and living together parents, etc., and also multi-married or never married (she could have already found "the one" and how wonderful / conventional would that be?) It will just take time and you (and your daughter) have to be willing to recognize and embrace that. She has probably spent quite some time coming to terms with it and accepting herself. Unless you were privy to all of that time, you have just had a very limited time to deal with it. Therefore, it's not fair to you or her to expect that you will be in the same place as her right away - you need that kind of time, too. You have 20 years of dreams (and the rest of your life prior to that) to examine and reevaluate in light of this new information. If I were in her shoes I wouldn't be too hard on you. As long as you're polite and trying to be accepting, supporting, and loving, in time this new reality won't be anything that is even thought about. My brother told me 20 years ago now, but it's only been in the past 10 years that it has even entered my mind, that's just who he is. I wish that he had come to the conclusion that your daughter did when he was 20 because maybe he would have found someone to settle down with by now. Your world has been changed pretty much overnight, so be kind to yourself and each other, and the love of your family will win out over whatever else is happening.