Grown-ups misbehaving

Nancy - posted on 11/26/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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My sixteen year old son has a best friend who is the sweetest most kindest young man. They hang out together, they go to the same school, they train in Martial Arts together...etc. They are like peanut butter and jelly. Its the kind of friendship that could last a lifetime. Recently his mom and I have gotten into it over some really stupid stuff. We seem to disagree about everything except the love we have for our boys. We are like hot and cold water. I thought it would be a good idea to let my son know what was going on between his best friends mother and I. Did I do the right thing? I don't want whats going on between the adults to effect their friendship. I feel I might have already put a strain on the friendship by not defusing my dispute with his friend's mother. I don't think this woman and I will ever be friends again. I don't know how to feel about any of it. Should I have told my son or not? My son's response was: "Gee Ma, you guys got a Tupac and Biggie thing going on here" and he shook his head (as if in disappointment). :(

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Patricia - posted on 11/29/2010

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I think sometimes as parents we seem to feel as though we must tell our children everything ( go figure? lol)....when indeed that can sometimes cause more problems...whatever your reasoning its probably best that you keep it to yourself...if he mentions anything...you may just brush it off as as an adult it's my choice not to....but you may continue being friends with her son....hug him and leave it at that! :-)

Louise - posted on 11/26/2010

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You do not have to be friends with your sons friends mothers so it is unimportant. I would not involve him as he wants to feel comfortable around his friends house when his mother is there. Just stay away from the woman she can not argue with her self! Try not to mention it to your son again as it will have an affect on him and his friend and that is not fair. If his mate is a nice chap then that is all that matters. friendships like these do not come along very often.

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Rose - posted on 12/09/2010

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Since every child is different it's hard to say if you should have told him. But I hope you let him know it would not affect his friendship in anyway. Maybe the two adults here could just agree to disagree but not let it hurt your sons.

Barbara - posted on 12/09/2010

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Being a mom of 5 was/is hard on me sometimes....But, one thing I learn from my own mother is seperate your personal life from your kids life....No your didn't have to let your son no what was going on between you and his friend mother...It was not his business.... But, if you love his friend as if he is your own son, don't stop. He have nothing to do with it either....So all I can say is pray on it...And if the situation between you and your son friend mom was not the serious try to forgive each other...Even God, is a forgiven God...

Peace and Blessings!!

Gail - posted on 12/09/2010

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I have a 25 yr old son a 24 yr. old daughter a 18 yr old daughter and a 14 yr. old son, there has been times in there lives I have not seen eye to eye with their friend's mom's, I always tried to keep the kids out of it , but you do have to stay in contact with the parent to make sure no misbehaving is going on that you are un aware of because of lack of communication, make it short and sweet, but always keep involved in what your kids are doing.Kids ahve disagreements with friends and work it out, it's us grown ups with the pride problem.:).

Morna - posted on 12/09/2010

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Don't be so hard on yourself. Some of the best friends in the world are total opposites. Just keep being a good example to your son and be nice to his friends mom. Everything else will fall into place.
Morna L. Williams, Author of "Steps to a New Future, Memoirs of a Foster Mom."

Ana - posted on 12/07/2010

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I agree with Lynn Taylor. Common courtesy and respect is all that is required. Your son doesn't have to be involved in the situation.

Victoria - posted on 12/07/2010

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First hand experience with both telling my mom about a spat with a friend (she decided she no longer liked my friend) and a friend telling her mom about our spat (20+ yrs of friendship), causing a problem between her mom and I, and later, her adult daughter too. I'm 43, but this stuff makes us behave like we're 8. He is your son. It's natural he'll want to defend you just as my friend's mom and daughter wanted to protect her and my mom wanted to protect me. Now that the seed has been planted that there's a problem between you and the other mom, tension will most likely ensue. It may not happen today, or tomorrow, but it will happen. Anything that is said or done by his friend, or his mom, will undoubtedly come into question at some point as to whether or not it had some underlying negative message relating to you. This might cause him to react to something totally innocent. You don't have to be her friend, but everyone should respect the friendship of the boys and keep the other stuff out of it. No sour words should be spoken about her. These will just be more negative seeds needlessly planted, which your son will hang onto in the back of his mind. These may lead to doubt and second guessing later on about things totally unrelated. It's best to sit down and work it out with the other mom over coffee in some neutral location - talk it out, or keep your distance and be civil when interacting. If you did value the friendship at some point, you should tell her so and share a couple of things you appreciate about her. People like to feel good about themselves and needed/appreciated by others, especially our friends and family. You may find she valued your friendship too. Best of luck to you and hopefully it was just a case of everyone having a bad week and it will simply blow over.

Lynn - posted on 12/03/2010

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In my opinion u guys don't have 2 be friends just respect the fact that u'r son n her son will b friends...what ever functions that you find u'r self @ n she is there just b respectful of 1 another...simple

Dawn - posted on 12/02/2010

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Relationships are best between 2 people. While it would've been nice for the grown-ups to be friends, it's not necessary. Diffuse it as best you can and step back. Hold to the thing that you and the other mom have in common, love for your sons and an appreciation for this wonderful friendship they share.

Truth - posted on 11/29/2010

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Having been through this myself with a "friend.... It certainly isn't an easy one. This friend (sadly now ex) and I began to struggle with each other long before the actual parting of ways. It began over a boy (my godson, by the way) that was friends with both of our sons. Next it was over her difficulty with a program that our Sunday School Director at the time was trying to "lead". We had a new pastor who was still "feeling the waters" of our church... and his counsel to her was, "If you have a problem... take it up with the Sunday School Director." When I refused to get into the middle of her disagreement and refused to take sides... she got even more frustrated with me. One day when we were "talking" about it, she became more and more agitated and I gently asked her if she was having a problem with authority figures....

Well, what I thought was a simple question..... you'd have thought I had slapped her in the face. She quickly got off the phone. She wouldn't answer my phone calls or e-mails. Then the accusations started. First it was an accusation against my son. Which, we vehemently denied, and years later found out was a total fabrication by one of her kids. Then there were accusations about me and what I had(not) said about my godson.

the whole affair got really ugly. I never spoke about it to either of my kids. But, I didn't have to. She kept her younger children away from my whole family... and she left our church. She isolated herself and her family from the only friends and "family" that she had known for years.

Her son and my son, though remained friends throughout. It did take some time for that friendship to be restored, though, but my boys were younger than your son and his friend. I do not think that your telling your son will have any impact on the relationship at all.

I believe that telling the truth sheds light on things that will clear the air. It may be a very painful thing up front... but it is much easier to deal with and come clean about than to hide and have to lie about... and keep lying about and try to remember the lie and to.... hold on to the pain of the loss.

While your son may be disappointed, it may not be you that heis disappointed in... I am finding out in my 18 year old son... that he sees and hears much more than I ever thought that he did. He also understands much more than I ever thought that he did. You see, he and his friend talked about the behavior of my friend and they both decided that she was wrong to demand that they not see each other anymore. So when "Joe" got his driver's license... he started hanging out with my son... and my godson again.

And it took the death, tragically, of a mutual friend's daughter to bring my friend back into my life. You see, we still live in the same town. We do see each other upon occasion, and each time we meet, I treat her as if nothing has ever happened between us. And slowly, over the years...she is starting to respond... I actually got a hug from her... it was at the funeral home, though. You see, the 14 year old daughter, cousin of my godson, had been tragically killed in a bicycle accident.... just 4 days earlier.

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