have a 23 yr old son still lives @ hm. with no job for 3 yrs.

Tammy - posted on 11/10/2009 ( 56 moms have responded )

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i have a hard time getting him 2 look for a job, in the paper, computer, are just go fill out app. untill i start complaining about it he'll do 1 or 2 to keep me off his back. i get tired of telling him. also he's a dad to a 2yr. old daughter. that i feel i need 2 take care of her with here needs sense he doesn't have a job. but it's not even fun anymore i feel it's a job for me. but if his friends call him he's up, showered & out of here. so if any 1 has any help for me please send a few words thanx!

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Melissa - posted on 11/21/2009

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You do not want to enable a life time of bad choices. Tell him that he needs to learn to ask "Would you like fries with that". Adult kids these days think they are to good for certain work when any work is better than none. Good luck! Tough love is easier to preach than practice.

Ann - posted on 11/11/2009

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How is he getting money to go out with friends if he is not working?? If you are giving him any.... I'd stop and force him to get a job. Tough love works best in this kind of situation. Just my two cents.

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Lala - posted on 10/14/2013

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dear mom,i'm in the same situation but there is no baba. i am now on the internet looking at jobs for hom abroad,just walked tohis room and shut the door. i have now felt the courage given to me by god, to tell him if he does not find a job, he has to leave. his father runs a small business so he thinks that daddy is working to support a grown man. how do these kids of today think?tired of of the useless life hes living. tough love is gonna be applied from now on. good luck with your son and god bless

Loral - posted on 07/30/2011

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I feel for you Tammy. Without going into details, we went through something similar. But, I would keep on him until he gets a job and sticks with it. It's difficult that there's a child involved. I would go to the courts and try to get guardianship of the child and then if you are granted that, I would tell your son to either get a job and keep at it and pay you rent or he needs to move out. I know how hard that will be, but in my experience, he's only worried about himself. Be strong. I know how hard this is. It's also unfair to the grandchild.

Patty - posted on 07/23/2011

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First of all, you are enabling him. Second of all, he knows you very well, so he is manipulating you because he knows you love him. Having a pep talk will be met by a few applications and same ole same ole..
so this is what you do, if he is a single dad, make a interview for him to be put on public assistance for him and his daughter and take him there..if the child is not with him, request that he gets food stamps and money to help out, tell him you'll take him there. Look around for temp jobs and watch him call...and nag nag nag.. that's our job as mothers..everyday morning noon and night..until finally he gets so fed up he moves.

Edna - posted on 07/11/2011

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He's comfortable and refuses to deal with reality. He's mentally checked out and he knows that mom will do everything for him regardless of what you say. eventually you'll come in and save him or do it for him. it's time to cut the umbilical cord. give him a deadline and if he doesn't follow through then out he goes. As for his daughter, it sounds like he's not responsible enough to take care of her. You need to work with a third party to make sure the daughter is cared for

Patty - posted on 11/25/2009

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You have to give him the talk..give him Three choices ,,school, job or leave..but under no circumstances are you supporting a man from his twenties into his forties....then stick to it..give him 2 months , mark it on the calender..each day....just make sure hes in the room when you xing that calender..then if he doesnt do it..drop all his shuff off at his freinds house..and go home, but stick to it..I know you dont want to be a b*tch but if you dont you will enable him to be a bum.

Tammy - posted on 11/20/2009

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Wow! I'm not there yet. Sounds like it's time for tough love. So since he doesn't have a job I guess he is eating for free and not paying rent?
If his daughter is not living with you... it's time to kick him out of the house.
Do not give him any $$$$. You work too hard. Is there any medical reason or anything he can't work? I know it will be hard and it sounds cruel....it is not fair to you at all. How does he support himself to "go out or buy gas"?

If he were to get a job and pay you rent if you can afford to save some of the rent money for him to get a deposit on an apartment in the future???

Cathlene - posted on 11/20/2009

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Quoting Dori:

My son moved back in a year ago. He doesn't respect ANY rules no matter how big or small and this has caused problems between his father and I. After doing this on and off for years, I finally have had enough and told him its time for him to GET OUT!! I have no doubt he'll find a way to make it just fine, much like your son does when his friends call! Do yourself a HUGE favor and do him one too, set a time limit to move out and if he doesn't put his things in storage and pay the first month for him, that should motivate him! Its taken me 24 years to figure out all I'm doing is making him an emotional cripple! Trust me on this!! Stop enabling him!



I agree with Dori,



     I went through this with my ex-step son (I am divorced from his Dad now) anyway, when he lived with us following graduating from school he would not get a job either. He did what I call silent refusal by NOT getting one. He said he applied every where but we found that very hard to believe, when he never left the house.



   Finally after setting a dead line to move out if he did not get a job, he did more than we expected. He joined the Marine''s.  I thought, how odd is that! You don't want to follow our rules and get a job, but you join on of the hardest "job" of all... the service.



    I guess he wanted to be "in charge" rather than us when we made a demand. But it worked! He no longer laid around the house, ate everything in site, and contributed nothing around the house... he finally did something positive for himself and the entire family. (He was the oldest at home and the example the younger kids were watching, and watching what their Dad and I would do with him)



     I am not sure if you need him to join the service, but a dead line is great... make sure you hold to the consequence if he doesn't...



 



     I wish you the best!!!

Barbie - posted on 11/20/2009

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Dont allow your son to be too comfortable living with you. If he isnt working, or even looking, put him to work there around the house. Make him start taking some responsibility for himself & his daughter. I'd have him working his tail off, so he'd rather get a job.

Jenny - posted on 11/19/2009

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Its tough when this happens, but I think he is old enough to look after himself. Sometimes we think we are helping our kids but we are actually stopping them from being responsible for themselves. He is a father and with that comes responsibility of looking after the child.

Crystal - posted on 11/19/2009

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I think you need to put your foot down he is taking advantge of you I know it hurts but you have kick him out and tell your family not to help him he needs to become a man.and take care of his daughter.my son is 19 and moved out with his girlfriend they live on their thier tuioton money his girlfriend got a job.when they go on trips with us my my hubby makes him take money for their own things we still have a daughter 27 that lives at home we have to take care of her,

Joni - posted on 11/19/2009

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Keep your faith. That grandchild is very lucky to have you. Think what her life would be like without you. You are a wonderful woman keep up the good work. Your son on the other hand sounds very selfish. Sometimes they take a lot longer to grow up. I don't know what to say about him (I got lucky my boys started working at 13 yrs.) But always remember you are doing a great thing.

Ann - posted on 11/18/2009

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Hi Tammy...Wow, you do have a problem on your hands. Does your son's friends have jobs?? If so, maybe they could help him get a job. I'm not sure where you live but in Michigan jobs are far and few between with this rotten economy. He may qualify for some help to go to college. Ask him what he see's himself doing...does he have a talent. Yes , he should be contributing to his daughters wellbeing and maybe you will have to give him a nudge out the door. Maybe things are just too good at home for him and why move out....be tough and preservere!!!!

Teressa - posted on 11/18/2009

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Quoting Carolyn:

I drove my sons to the recruiters. It killed me but i didn't know what else to do. The oldest worked, but at Wendy's and who knew where his money was going, (he was 20,now 25), the youngest was married and moved in with a wife and step son. All they did was sleep until 2pm, (he was 20, and now 24). There comes a time when we have to stop enabling them. Both of my boys have grown up, they really didn't have a choice. I told them a job or the army. They chose Army. Both have been to war and I kick myself everyday when I hear that a soldier was killed, but I didn't know what else to do. So now I pray and pray and pray for their and all soldiers safeties and for the families at home.


Dont be so hard on yourself. It is difficult. In the end it will be for the best for you and them.

Teressa - posted on 11/18/2009

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Yes you are enabling him from growing up. Kick him out. Dont feed him. Make him grow up. I know because I did this for awhile with my oldest that is 22. He called to tell me he hadnt eaten in two days. I did send him 10 dollars and told him to make his own way because I was tired of supporting him. He will be homeless if he doesnt do something. I refuse to take care of an adult child that is capable.

Carrol - posted on 11/18/2009

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MOTHER OF 23 YR. OLD I WOULD GIVE HIM SO LONG TO HAVE A JOB AND A PLACE TO LIVE. IF YOU HAVE TO YOU THE BABY AGAINST HIM. TELL HIM HE IS GETTING OUT. HE HAS THIS LENTH OF TIME TO GET A JOB AND A PLACE TO LIVE. TELL HIM IF HE DONT YOU ARE THROWING HIM OUT AND GET CUSDODY OF THE GRANDCHILD. WHETHER YOU DO THIS OR NOT I WOULD TELL HIM THIS IT WILL GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT I KNOW RAISING ANOTHER CHILD IS A FULL TIME JOB. I HAVE GRANDCHILDREN TOO. I DO HELP WITH MY GRANDCHILDREN AND IT IS A FULL TIME JOB. BUT ITS NOT OUR GRANDCHILDRENS FAULT THERE PARENT IS MESSING UP AND THE GRANDCHILD SHOULD NOT PAY FOR IT.

Carrol - posted on 11/18/2009

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Quoting tammy :

have a 23 yr old son still lives @ hm. with no job for 3 yrs.

i have a hard time getting him 2 look for a job, in the paper, computer, are just go fill out app. untill i start complaining about it he'll do 1 or 2 to keep me off his back. i get tired of telling him. also he's a dad to a 2yr. old daughter. that i feel i need 2 take care of her with here needs sense he doesn't have a job. but it's not even fun anymore i feel it's a job for me. but if his friends call him he's up, showered & out of here. so if any 1 has any help for me please send a few words thanx!


 

Kim - posted on 11/17/2009

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tell him to ask all his friends and find out how many of them are willing to support him because he is soon going to realize he will need a job because nobody lives for free. If you cut him off he will wake up. Tell him the only way he can stay at your house is if he pays rent if he doesn't evict him. Its hard but he will wake up.

Kim - posted on 11/17/2009

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Give him a ultimatim and a time line things are really hard now days. I don't know what kind of job you have but it must be good if you can support him and his child and pay all your bills. He is a big boy who has a child and should be supporting it. Your grandmom not mom or dad. That is their job make him do it. Tell him to get a job within a time range and if he doesn't then tell him to get a job or find another place to live. It is not fair to you or his daughter for him to free load off you. You have to be strong. Your a great mom and grandmom tell him you want to enjoy life with him and your granddaughter and him being lazy means you can't. Stay strong good luck.

Carrol - posted on 11/17/2009

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sherri that is a great thing you have done for your son. you bulit his esteem and made your self feel better to.

Carrol - posted on 11/17/2009

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drove your sons to the recuiters: you did the right thing for them you made men out of them none of us like the war. keep praying that is good for you and for them. you will be a proud mother when your sons come back home. yes we have lost a lot of good healthy men. that is the bad part of wars. be proud your sons fought for our country. i am proud of every american man and women who stood up for america. and we keep praying for them. carrol

Carolyn - posted on 11/17/2009

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I drove my sons to the recruiters. It killed me but i didn't know what else to do. The oldest worked, but at Wendy's and who knew where his money was going, (he was 20,now 25), the youngest was married and moved in with a wife and step son. All they did was sleep until 2pm, (he was 20, and now 24). There comes a time when we have to stop enabling them. Both of my boys have grown up, they really didn't have a choice. I told them a job or the army. They chose Army. Both have been to war and I kick myself everyday when I hear that a soldier was killed, but I didn't know what else to do. So now I pray and pray and pray for their and all soldiers safeties and for the families at home.

Carrol - posted on 11/17/2009

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I AGREE HE IS OLD ENOUGH TO LEARN RESPONSABLITYS ITS TIME TO HELP TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

Carrol - posted on 11/17/2009

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GIVE HIM TWO WEEKS TO GET A JOB OR FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE LET HIM FIND OUT WHAT THE REAL WORLD HOLDS FOR HIM NO ONE IS GOING TO SUPPORT HIM I TAKE THAT BACK I HAVE A STEP SON AND HE IS GOING TO BE 40 IN MAY AND HE FINDS WOMEN TO SUPPORT HIM

Carrol - posted on 11/17/2009

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I THINK YOUR DOING THE RIGHT THING. WHO DOES HE LIVE WITH AND WHY ARE THEY SUPPORTING HIM. TO MANY CHILDREN NOW DAYS BRING IN A GIRLFREIND OR A BOYFREIND AND HAVE CHILDREN AND LIVE WITH THERE PARRENTS TO SUPPORT THE BUNCH OF THEM THATS NOT RIGHT

Carrol - posted on 11/17/2009

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SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO HAVE TUFF LOVE. IF HE IS NOT TRYING GIVE HIM A CERTAIN TIME TO HAVE A JOB OR TELL HIM TO FIND A PLACE TO LIVE. GIVE HIM 30 DAYS. THIS IS MY OPIONION. OTHER WISE SUPPORT HIM MAYBE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE TIME

Carrie - posted on 11/17/2009

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Tell him? Boy what a novel idea? What do you think she's been doing? I have had all but 1 adult child live with me w-a-a-a-a-y-y too long at one time or another, "telling" them never worked for me. I had to wait it out, blow a fuse every so often & feel like a heel for it. I think fro me the hardest part is knowing they are capable of so much more and sitting there watching them just be satisfied with live is just really hard to do. Right now I too have a "basement dweller" he will be 25 in April. He works at the same tavern/bar I do, (who do ya think got him that job?) is good at it and the owner thinks he's great. But, it is truly HARD to get them out of the nest and make is stick. Just keep chipping away some day our time will come. Right?
Good luck & keep on him, I will.

Renee - posted on 11/17/2009

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Who buys his clothes and where does he get the money to go out with his friends? Who buys his personal hygiene supplies? Who buys his food? He is 23. The more you coddle him, the more he is going to take advantage of you. Sometimes love is called tough love because you feel terrible having to do the right thing, but letting him walk all over you is not doing him or you any good.
Stop cleaning his bed sheets. Make him responsible for himself. Those were all temporary priviledges. He is an adult now, it is time that he acts like one and you stop allowing him to be a baby. He wants food, have him eat supper at the salvation army a few times because that is the life he is leading now.

Michelle - posted on 11/15/2009

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There is a movie I forget the name Angela Bassett is in it, and the point is her son decides to help out he's going to sling drugs, she packs his bags and head him for the door she is not going to have it. TOUGH LOVE, wish I'd have done the same. My 23 year old son and been in and out of jail since he was 16, he has a two year old son, that actually he see's and loves, but he can't give him anything, he has no job. His record does not help him any. He would probably be still living with me, but my fiance will not have it, and I have an 8 year old son too that I have to sorry to say think that his brother would not be a could influence on. So he lives with his sister, get's GR, says he's looking for a job all the time, even went to one of those Wyoteck schools, graduated but he still has no work. The point I'm making is, why would your son really stand on his own when he's got you to support him? God I know how hard it is to send him out the door and worry where is he? is he eating? Does he have a roof over his head. But he's 23 and a father, and he has you taking care of that too. You already know in your heart what you have to do, he has to get a job, pay rent or get out. He is totally disrupting your house. He is so taking advantage of you and you are letting him. I bet he comes to you so sweetly and needs some money and on top of room and board you give him that too. I know I did it for a long time, but now my son knows I love him, but I'm done supporting him. He can not stay at my home. I still worry about him and go through where did i go wrong bullshit in my head from time to time. But you know I raised him and his sister under the same circumstance, and she is a productive memebor of society, It's your house, it's your rules, get him out. The mamma bird has to kick her babies out to learn to fly. Keep him there and your going to have a 30 year old still living at home.

Trudy - posted on 11/15/2009

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If he has a H.S. diploma, he should be able to get a job as a bus boy, waiter, stock boy, short order cook, grocery cart boy, etc. I have a 25 yr old son, who was slow to get his act together. Never mind emailing for jobs, have him go to the restaurants, fast food places and grocery stores. He shouldn't be above any of those jobs. He needs some tough love from you. It will really help him, even though right now he is complaining. Don't give him any money, don't give him your car or pay his bills. Insist on some type of room and board. He is just being lazy, and seems to have little movitation to get a job. Let him know you love him, but he needs the responsibility for his own daughter. That should be motivation. Maybe he is hanging out with kids who have no direction. Stick to your guns, give him a timeline, such as -age 25-have your own place. Good luck. Don't worry if he gets mad at you, he'll thank you later.

Kerry - posted on 11/15/2009

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my son was the same and i told him he had to get ajob as he was driving me nuts and he now has one and cant quit as he will get no money from the dole if he does and he is much better for it

Marilyn - posted on 11/14/2009

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I agree with some of the other moms out there, give him a time limit. If he isn't out by that date, pack his stuff and set it out and change the locks on your house. It's time for tough love. It's a shame that there's a little one involved. I bent over backwards to get my daughter a job where my husband and I had worked, she walked out in the middle of the shift. Her shift leader came to me and thought I could do something about it. I told her to do what she had to do, my daughter wasn't going to ride on my coattails. It may be very hard to put him out of your house, but you have to stick to your guns. He'll get the message that he needs to grow up and take care of himself and his child. Good Luck, I'll be praying for you.

Maria - posted on 11/14/2009

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If you have someone providing everything for you why would you want to work,and if you complain am sure he would tell you how grown he is,well you know what 2man rat can,t live in the same hole,sorry but you need to put a stop to it

Maria - posted on 11/14/2009

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Quoting tammy :

have a 23 yr old son still lives @ hm. with no job for 3 yrs.

i have a hard time getting him 2 look for a job, in the paper, computer, are just go fill out app. untill i start complaining about it he'll do 1 or 2 to keep me off his back. i get tired of telling him. also he's a dad to a 2yr. old daughter. that i feel i need 2 take care of her with here needs sense he doesn't have a job. but it's not even fun anymore i feel it's a job for me. but if his friends call him he's up, showered & out of here. so if any 1 has any help for me please send a few words thanx!


 

Sherri Lynn - posted on 11/14/2009

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By the way, my son loves the volunteering job, it is doing wonders for his self asteem!

Angenella - posted on 11/14/2009

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let him know that he can not come and go in your house like he want to. if you are giving him money stop today.give him rules.no coming in after 12 am,door are lock and will not be open.let him know you will only hep the child when needed. where are the child mother?tell her you will not be helping unless needed.tell him he will start to pay rent in two monts are he will have to leave

Michele - posted on 11/13/2009

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I agree with Dori. You have to give a time limit. I don't understand why so many of our young men are in this situation today. We do coddle them. They DO Know how to work thier Mama's!The Daddy's Do get frustrated with us. Guess what? The Dad's know that they need to be kicked in thier pants sometimes. The little boys need to grow up. How will they learn to survive should anything happen to the parents? Good luck.

Crystal - posted on 11/13/2009

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tammy, i feel 4 u been through that w both my step-sons. They sure can take all the fun of being a grandparent out of you when u fill like u need 2 do for the child what the father isnt.there a thing called tuff love and trust me it hurts you more then it seens to hurt then but you may need to just ask him to leave until he finds a job and can help out their jobs at all fast food places hope this helps

Wanda - posted on 11/13/2009

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My youngest is 23 also. Doesn't wk. Says he is looking but how would I know? I don't know when & how to stop helping him. He got into some trouble about 3 yrs ago and I've pd most of the court fees. Finally have it down to about $200.00. The thing is if I don't continue to pay it he will go to jail. My husband & I have serious issues over this. Me helping him out. My husband gave him $1,000 to get him on his feet (and guilt I think for having to lay him off in construction) Blew it within a month. If I help however, my husband gets mad. I'm so torn! Any suggestions?

Barbara - posted on 11/13/2009

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Put his butt out of your house and tough love him. It's time for him to be a man. Sometimes as parents we have to make tough choices to force our children to do the right thing. We had to do the same with our 23 year old son, he has 3 kids, by 2 different women. You have to put your foot down.

User - posted on 11/12/2009

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I guess there a lot of us moms going through this....My family is a cross between the Brady Bunch and Rosanne. We had 6 kids when we got togeather; sets of boys and girls about three years between each set. Even our smartest of the four oldest did not finish school and go to college even though they all watched me and dad work full time, never miss a day, and me go to college nights for the last three years...After five years we were finally married on July 4th this year...then we moved. Our oldest two are starting family and finding out how hard it is to take care of children...The middle two don't want to do the hard work to get them where they need to be (both are not in school and living with their mom and dad). It hurts not being able to fix their lives, but even when I trired it didn't work. I had to step back and let them try to figure out what they want (and if they want it bad enough to do the work). Then maybe I will be able to to help them reach their goals. Today they don't have any goals, but I do. The only thing I can think to do is keep loving them, let them know I am here, keep setting a good example, AND WAIT. It's hard because I want to do it for them....and I can't. We are concetrating on the youngest two now (14 yr olds.) With 6 kids the odds have to be in my favor,I get one right. Right?

My wisdom to my children was that they could stay with me as long as they had something to learn that I could help them with. Once there was nothing left for me to do they became responsible for themselves. (of course, I have a few emergancy saftey nets in place) but they are learning to make it on their own, and I will be here to guide them and support their goals.

Brenda - posted on 11/12/2009

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Wow that sounds a bit like my house I have a 21 year old who has had 1 job and quit, thinking about charging hime rent or giving the the option of school or job by Jan.1 , thinking about the failure to launch movie,

Sherri Lynn - posted on 11/12/2009

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Is he disabled? Our son is 24 & mildly disabled, still at home with NO job as well. I just signed him up to volunteer at the food bank. It will give him work experience & a good reference! :)

Traci - posted on 11/11/2009

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Tell him it is time for him to get off his butt and find a job. I know that jobs are few and far between right now. But he needs to make an effort. As far as your granddaughter goes she is his responsiblity not yours. Tell him you are busy and have your own life. Don't be an enabler any longer! It is time he grows up and starts pulling his own weight around. I hope that you will find an answer to your problem. God bless

Patti - posted on 11/11/2009

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IT'S CALLED TOUGH LOVE! HE IS NO LITTLE BOY AND HE HAS A DAUGHTER TO CARE FOR. AS LONG AS YOU CARE FOR HIM HE WILL TAKE WHATEVER YOU GIVE HIM AND LEAVE IT UP TO YOU TO TAKE CARE OF HIS CHILD. TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM BUT HE MUST FIND A JOB NOW AND START LOOKING FOR HIS OWN PLACE NOW.. AS FOR HIS CHILD IT SOUNDS LIKE HE IS NOT READY TO BE A DAD. NONE OF THIS IS HER FAULT. ALWAYS MAKE SURE SHE IS TAKEN CARE OF TILL HEGROWS UP AND WANTS TO CARE FOR HIMSELF AND HIS LITTLE GIRL. YOU HAVE MY PRAYERS.

Terri - posted on 11/11/2009

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I've sort of been there. My son is now 23 ( last week) and for many months he loofed around while my husband and I went to work each day and paid the bills, fed him etc. He would act very offended if we suggested he move out, but he would only get his butt moving if it was for something he wanted to do. No job was suitable so he never tried to get one. It was very stressful for us and caused lots of discord in the family. It wasn't his fault he was made redundant and shafted by his employer so we cut him some slack but how much do you do this? Well, the outcome is encouraging...he was extremely depressed which caused his behaviour to deteriorate, his sleeping patterns to go haywire and his attitude towards everyone to crash and burn. He had no motivation and no energy to do anything and was negative about every suggestion of help we made. Anti-depressants worked a miracle. He began university in Feb and has started to make friends and is definitely more active and motivated to do things, although still picky about what job he will do over the summer break, which started last week and may be over before he makes an effort to find a job. Overall life has improved for the whole family as he is more helpful at home and less argumentative with us, except for with his dad....and that's a whole 'nother issue. Two adult males in one house is too much for me....but my son, feeling so much more confident, is talking about moving out by next semester or sooner.
Don't give up hope, but do encourage him to get help. Good luck, I'll pray for you and your family.

Dee - posted on 11/11/2009

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Hey I think our sons are twin! But mines is a year older. I told my son these words "Hey they got jobs lined up at this temp place and they pay the same day. The next day he got up and when down there today only to be closed!! Veterans Day!!

Dori - posted on 11/11/2009

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My son moved back in a year ago. He doesn't respect ANY rules no matter how big or small and this has caused problems between his father and I. After doing this on and off for years, I finally have had enough and told him its time for him to GET OUT!! I have no doubt he'll find a way to make it just fine, much like your son does when his friends call! Do yourself a HUGE favor and do him one too, set a time limit to move out and if he doesn't put his things in storage and pay the first month for him, that should motivate him! Its taken me 24 years to figure out all I'm doing is making him an emotional cripple! Trust me on this!! Stop enabling him!

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