Have lost touch with my 15 year old daughter

Samantha - posted on 03/18/2010 ( 28 moms have responded )

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We were so close and now, when I tell her no about anything, it becomes such a dramatic moment and it takes so long to move past it. Ugh. I'm sad and wondering if there are magic words to move the ickyness along a little quicker so that we don't miss having good times together. Any great ideas?

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Dorma - posted on 03/19/2010

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Mom, just stand your ground. Now is not the time to be your child's friend, but their guide through life. Right now, there is so much going on outside of the home, she has to have boundaries. She is at the age of boys, clothes, drugs and sex. This is what waits for our kids. You have to be firm and mean what you say. She still loves you and you love her. Right now though, you are law.

Lynn - posted on 03/19/2010

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Samantha - I have three girls - 18, 15 and almost 3. Believe me when I tell you....this too shall pass. It is just the age. Girls are going through so much. Just let your daughter know that you love her and are there for her. But you need to be her mom. She has a lot of friends. And you need to tell her "no". She will get over it. As much as they complain, they crave discipline. It is a miserable time but you will get through it and so will she.

Gwen - posted on 03/31/2010

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Dear Samantha,
I always find that honesty is the best policy when dealing with teenagers. Impressing personal responsibility for their behaviour , or lack of it, is also EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!!!! Explain your decision of NO!!! It may be concern , lack of finances etc. A 15 year old has more maturity than a 5 year old and just say to her that you are speaking to her as an intelligent person who has the capability of understanding your position.
Gwen

Fiona - posted on 03/23/2010

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My youngest daughter is only 8 but is already behaving like a teen , having been through this twice before im always looking for solutions , when Rebekah gives me attitude and stomping about the house in a mood ,i send her to her room to think, then sit down and chat to her about her behaviour we tell her what we expect from her and let her put her opinion across ,we take away a privilage from her and thank God so far its working .My other "children" are 29 and 23 , i remember many occasions when i was at the end of my tether but we got through it , i have found remaining calm (even just on the outside) is better than shouting back .x

Christina - posted on 03/21/2010

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All I can do is tell you what worked for us. When my daughter was ready to be more independent I often said no out of fear and reaction. She was starting to hate me! My husband pointed out that we had to start giving her more freedom so he took over. But first we all sat down and created a contract which clearly spelled out privileges, rules and consequences for breaking rules. In my opinion she had too much freedom but I had agreed to let go. She responded very well. Our relationship began to get better and when she did break a rule she already knew the consequences so she never bothered to pout. She appreciated our trust and actually became much more open with us. FYI we tied a lot of privileges to grade point average. Good luck. It's a tough time.

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Mary - posted on 04/04/2010

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It does get better as a previous mom pointed out. Stand your ground and remember that respect comes before love, because you really can't have one without the other. Most of us Moms have had to go thru this and my daughter who is 29 now did too. We all do the best we can to be good parents and most of us succeed and so shall you! and the first time we hear when they are older, "Mom I know you were right" or "Mom thanks for letting me figure it out on my own" that's when you know for sure you got it right.

Karen - posted on 04/02/2010

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Hi, I'm having similar issues with my 17yr old son! He was overspending on his mobile contract so I stopped his £10 a week and now he's not talking... he emailed his disgust last week and the only way I could reply so he would 'listen' was to email back.. he doesn't want to sit down and resolve it. Very stressful.... Someone told me tonight that some of it is his way of detaching from me and not to take it personally.... Mmmm....

Stephanie - posted on 04/02/2010

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After months of drama my 15 year old moved out to live with her dad and I felt like the worst mom on the planet....however I have 18 and 12 year old daughters as well who say the house has never felt calmer. Not one raised voice or argument since my 15 year old left (about 2 months now) I didn't have the same problems with my 18 year old so I think it's just personality. My cousin who went through the same thing with her daughter said to be greatful the girls have a safe place to go. Don't beat yourself up, it will pass, just keep letting her know you love her and set a good example. I've tried a few things that might be helpful though, bike riding or some kind of group activity on the weekends and making dinner together daily. I think our hectic lifestyle is part of the problem, you would be suprised at the conversation that develops over cutting tomatoes :) I think their generation is losing out with all the instant gratification, the kids are impatient and some even spoiled. Making dinner together seems to be a lost art, I can remember my mom, aunt and grandmother making dinners when I was a kid and just sitting listening to them talk. The kids learn how to cook, communicate, cooperate and develop an appreciation for family time. I also decided not to cram the kids into activities everyday either and try to have some sort of balance. Lastly, try reading together because when all else fails a good cuddle with a blanket and book on mom's comfy bed does wonders to settle the nerves and reconnect, I can usually get them talking once we've had this downtime together. Not to mention I love it too :) Good Luck!!!

Sharon - posted on 04/02/2010

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Just be there when she wants to talk. But be firm and say NO when you need to, You are the mom. I went thru the same thing with my daughter at that age and now we are real good friends. She calls all the time to say how good I am as a mom as she is going thru times with her daughter. It does get better.

Lesley - posted on 04/01/2010

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saying no to a 15yr old can seem a very harsh word ; i always found that by saying i dont think thats a good idear to do that and i;ll exsplain the reason why if you have time to listen to me ;that way it seams like you have left the choice to them to make i think when teenagers a told no it backs them into a corner and feel thay had no say in there abiltity to make the right choices ;and if thay make mistakes in the choices thay choose well i alway put it down to lesson learnt .i think its safer than then climbing out the windows and you not knowing what thay are doing give them every reason to be honest with you ;dont forget you where this age once put yourself in there place ;im a mum of 4 boys; and 1 girl ;oldest 22 youngest 13 ...

Donna - posted on 04/01/2010

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Have a serious talk with her. There might be an underlying problem and she is just taking it out on you because you are the closest.You always hurt the one you love.

Maria - posted on 04/01/2010

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My daughters (2) were so like your daughter. I cried alot when they were growing up. Take heart. My eldest daughter now has 2 sons. She came to me and told me that she was thankful for the way I parented her. My other daughter who is now married is starting to see that we weren't that bad that we actually were good parents. This time with you daughter is just too short and you have the rest of her life to share good times with her. No matter what is happening in her life she just needs to know that you are there for her.

Colleen - posted on 03/26/2010

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teenagers are funny creatures. Sometimes they just dont want to share with you.

Do not worry, she still Loves you...Your daughter is trying to find her independance.

You can tell her how you feel though, you know, have a conversation with her like she is a young adult. Believe it or not her independance is healthy, it will help her to become a strong woman.

Just keep loving her and try to set some special time aside for the two of you.

I hope this helps, I have a son, 19, and 2 daughters, 14, and 16.

Colleen

Michelle - posted on 03/26/2010

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hi there, honestly this is so common. As long as you are not stopping her from going out, and holding her back, because she will rebel and sneak behind your back somehow. I have just finished going through all this with my 20 year old. She back chatted everything. Although I always let her go out anytime she wanted, as long as she could be truthful and always let me know where she was, even if she went from one place to another, she would send me a text message, I would still worry, but I had the trust, so I gave her her freedom. She would still detest everything I did. Dont worry it really is a teenage thing. I remember doing it to my mum and regretting it. My daughter told me that she never knew why she did it, its just a stage. Just always be there for them, they will soon realise, its only because you care. (just in case it is a going out thing), dont ever hold them back. Out of 4 friends of my daughters friends, one was never allowed to do anything, she is the worst out of all of them now. It was always a trust thing with me, I felt my parents never trusted me, so i got them back. Dont whatever you do let this happen, because they will pull further and further away. Good luck.

Gwen - posted on 03/25/2010

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Samantha,

Gwen here, my son left home when he was 16!! He is now 33 and I have seen him about 5 times in that period. In the begining he was very angry at me even though for the first 15 years we had been very close, or so I believed!!

I learned the most powerful lesson of my life

OUR CHILDREN ARE ONLY LENT TO US WE DO NOT OWN THEM!!!

Believe me all these years later I am still stuck in grief over his leaving. It is all fine and well to cope with it on a logical level but oh boy, that Emotional stuff is very hard!!!! I have recieved professional help to heal that gaping wound, I tried to heal it on my own but it just didnt happen. As we are all different maybe you can cope with this on your own but I would strongly urge you to seek Professional Help!!!

Tammy - posted on 03/25/2010

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Just hold on honey !! It will be over soon a alittle patience thats all you need I have 2 girls been through it and they always come home for a mommys love, I promise . they just dont know it yet.Make sure you keep a loose hold without them realizing it and you'll be just fine.

Paula - posted on 03/24/2010

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Samantha...I'm a Christian so ofcourse the Best advise I can think of is..Go to God!! & If You are like me & already have prayed & asked God to (whatever u asked)..I never had anyone tell me that Hey U already have Prayed & Asked God to take care of this ..rite? Yeah..ofcourse..SO WHY ARE YOU STILL PRAYING & NOT THANKING HIM??? Hmm...WOW..it was like a HUGE lightbulb went off in my brain ..(TY GOD) lol..& It ALL Made perfect sence..She was rite, I had already prayed.!! Ok..I could go on & on but I wont lol..I'll be praying & Thanking God for touching You & your daughter & Everyone involved..& that he show you ALL the right way to be w/each other & yourself., TC & GodBless :-)

Kathy - posted on 03/24/2010

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Just remember, you are there to be a parent, not a friend. She's just establishing an identity separate from yours. Besides, when you have the power of car keys, she'll improve.

Kim - posted on 03/24/2010

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A girls day, just you and her.....no friends! Do it once a week or every two weeks. Get pedicures, go walking now that the weather is nice, go clothe shopping or window shopping, go to a restaurant, catch a movie

Jean - posted on 03/24/2010

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15, hard time in life growing pains, stay calm speak calm you don't think she can hear you but she does even at 15 they want a parent that they can depend on so no is no be strong and kind and talk as much as you can. I'm 60 and still remember being 15. Most do come around to enjoy again.

Guinelle - posted on 03/21/2010

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This is Guinelle. I wrote yesterday about the miscarriages. I forgot to mention that he is 13 years old now and a joy. However, he is beginning to get that 'tween' thing and is getting a little mannish sometimes. But I know how to handle that. ;-)

Renae - posted on 03/20/2010

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I know how you feel. I am going through the same thing with my 15 year old daughter. There are days when all we do is scream and argue. I know she still loves me and I still love her. This is just her way of expressing her feelings, frustrations, and fears. When she gets like this I try to just let her express her feelings and know that it is going to pass. She is dealing with so many different emotions and changes that sometimes she just doesn't know how to express them except to yell and we are the closest to them so we get the brunt. I know it is hard to go through but know that it will pass and you will be closer in the long run. When she calms down she always tells me she is sorry and I am the only one that understand why she does this. Trust me there are times when we yell and scream at each other the whole day. I know it is hard and you feel helpless but hang in there it will get better. Just know she loves you and she needs someone to vent to that will not judge her and we are it.

Gloria - posted on 03/19/2010

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I wish I knew. We were close too when Jenn was 12, now we're like enemies.

Catherine - posted on 03/19/2010

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Just be careful, girls at this age are running on hormones and boys know it. Nothing moves the ikyness along, you can try to talk to her but she is only going to tell you what she thinks you need to hear to leave her room. Even the "good girl" hides things, but its just a stage, I prayed my way through it and we had some rough patches, but my daughter finally out-grew that now she is married and a professional, she understands now that I was hard on her to save her from herself, and we couldnt be closer.

Pam - posted on 03/19/2010

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are there any special "girl" things that the two of you can share together? My daughter still loves to go out to lunch together at a quaint victorian tea house. We laugh that its our place to escape "the testosterone". Lol Mannies and pedis together is another great way to reconnect. Just remember that just like the terrible twos this too shall pass. Pam

Michelle - posted on 03/18/2010

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well wot i try to do at least oncea week is have a mummy daughter day even if its just window shopping in the big expensive stores we have so much fun when the snobby shop attenants ask if were ok and we go yup just having a looksee cos they hover all over ya and i so hate that if i wanna buy something i will. and as for telling her no all the time tell her ur sayin no for her own good especially if its gonna harm her

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