Becky - posted on 02/10/2009 ( 27 moms have responded )
Becky - posted on 02/10/2009 ( 27 moms have responded )
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Becky - posted on 02/15/2009
Thank you all for your responses to my situation..very helpful..
Jean - posted on 02/15/2009
Been there, done that! We gave them a 60 day cut off & told them that they had to be out by that date. It was hard! But, they knew we meant it & even though it was a struggle for them they did move out & are actually making it on their own! Amazing what they can do when they need to. Good luck!
Traci-ann - posted on 02/14/2009
i do feel 4 you my kid r not that age yet but they know that they have to help around the house we r not there slaves and when i live at home and was working or on the dole we pay board to help our parents out ,expresal when time r hard like they now .hope u have good luck with your boys
Michelle - posted on 02/14/2009
hi becky,have you made any decisions yet? i hope things are getting better.with much respect,michelle logan
Adrienne - posted on 02/14/2009
Hang in there, I am in the same boat!! lol!! My daughter works for me and we work from home and her b/f moved in 8 months ago had a job which lasted a week after he moved in and still has not got a job. I support them both and lazy would be an understatement! I am nag nag nagging all the time if I want to live in a clean house, get the grass cut, have a clean kitchen and the list goes on. I put up A4 notes on all doors both side please shut the door behind you! and in the kitchen Clean up after yourself, and bathroom dont leave diry clothes on the floor. Did it help NO! lol! So i keep nag nag nagging lol! I know they love me but if I want to be sane I am going to have to help him find a job and help find them and probably pay the bond for a flat and they can then live in a mess and pay their own bills. That is starting Monday, good luck with your lot xo
Maureen - posted on 02/14/2009
They ALWAYS move back. At least once if not more. However, here's what we did. First, we established that if they were living at home, they would be paying rent OR going to school. No exceptions. Also, I wrote down a list of chores they were to do every week, EVEN if they were paying rent. FInally, you have to be able to get them to leave if they don't. Then,you take the money they pay you and hire a housekeeper. Always worked for me!
Michelle - posted on 02/14/2009
i know you love all of your kids.maybe reminding them that you can't do it all,and shouldn't be expected too.you can love without being walked on.best of luck,michelle logan
Leanne - posted on 02/14/2009
I've read all the advice that everyone wrote which are pretty good. I think its best if you start charging them board, you work out how much. Then give them jobs around the house and lay down the rules for living under your house. As for picking up after them. If they don't change their ways, pick up after them but dump everything you find in a big basket and when they ask for their stuff just tell them its in the basket, don't even bother washing their clothes. Its a bit harsh but they might get the message that you are not their slave. Yes I know all mums like to do everything for their kids, but one little motto I learnt when my kids was in primary, its not what you do for them, its what you make them do for themselves that goes a long way in life. cheers.
Loretta - posted on 02/14/2009
I think they call it tough love! You already gave them the I'll take care of you part of their life when they were younger. It's time they step up to the plate and take on some responsibility. Tell them if they are going to live in this house, no matter what it may have been like when they were younger, there are going to be some new rules. A home is place where everyone should pitch in and help. If you don't want to charge rent to them maybe you could let them do the grocery shopping or the wash. Your sanity is just that "yours" don't let them take that from you. Put your foot DOWN!!
Sheri - posted on 02/13/2009
Okay... it's gonna be hard but.... Take your bills add them all up including the groceries and morgage, electric, all utilities, insurances ect... then divide by how many are living in your home and then tell your grown children how much they are expected to contribute. If they say it is too much then, respond by saying yes it is. Explain that you are giving them notice that either they pay for their own keep or that they need to find a cheaper place to live, where their meals are prepared, and everything is taken care of except for them paying the bill. The Navy has a program where you live on ship and all is done for you including laundry. Look our children know we love them, they just don't realise that we are doing our best to keep our own heads above water and that sometimes we need them to pitch in. Our boys are now living on their own and one is married. They have both called and told us how much they appreciated us making them have a budget and being honest with them about finances. One has even complained to his dad about how hard it is to live on his own, and that he is so glad that we made him responsible b/c he says is better off than most his age. Be honest with them and let them know that YOU need their help also. You don't mind helping them but that now that they are older you need the help too. This is what life is all about.
Sheryl - posted on 02/13/2009
It is hard as a Mom to set boundaries and stick to them with our adult children. We have made mistakes and it hurt our home life as well as hurt the child that should be taking on more responsibility. Nothing good or positive comes from letting adult children have a free ride. But once those healthy boundaries are set, communicated and enforced, everyone benefits... even if you hear a lot of griping. Beware that when you do get firm about things, they can try to make you feel guilty and like you are the meanest mom in the world... but stick to what you know is best for them and for the rest of the family. For an adult child to expect parents to continue to support them financially is selfish (barring unusual circumstances that prevent them from working and supporting themselves). Sometimes parents have to help our kids by making the tough decisions for them. Later they will thank you.
Tamra - posted on 02/13/2009
hang in there Mom...Becky
It is time for you to tell your older children that if they expect to live in your home as adults you expect them to behave as adults. Help financially and pick up after themselves.
Be your own advicate....and stand up for you!!!
Samii - posted on 02/12/2009
Hi Becky, It's all good to receive advice from others but in the end it is you who has to find the strength to dish out the ultimatum and live with the consequences; and believe me there will be consequences, they will argue, test you and maybe even threaten to HATE you but you have to keep your ground as your sanity is at stake. Think of it as a WORK IN PROGRESS, persevere and good luck.
Bonnie K. - posted on 02/12/2009
Either boot them back out the door or give them an ultimatum to get to work, clean up after yourselves OR get out! there are shelters for men out there that they can stay in. Tough Love! You will continue to be stuck with your grown sons unless you give them the boot!
Tera - posted on 02/12/2009
When my older ones were in high school bargains were struck. I am the mother of 6.
Upon reaching 18:
1. Mom would provide room and board, internet access and phone for a monthly fee
2. Children would a. work or b. go to school (job training)
3. Household chore chart, and the basic 5 rules would still be in effect
4. Non compliance of any of these would result in the boot
what happened was it became a boarding house for the older kids and the younger ones actually had (and have) them around for the bonding
Two (23, 20) are out of the house now with the skills they needed to handle jobs, landlords, and their own bills so they don't need to come back.
One(21) of the two in college is about to leave. With money in the bank to fly.
Number two(19) in college likes the cheap "rent" (she actually is on her one and only repeat performance allowed) she's been out there and likes it here better for right now
Put your foot down it might just be what they need
Deb - posted on 02/12/2009
Send them my way sis - I am sure they would not like the rules that I set forth for them!! LOL All kidding aside - listen to all these wonderful supporters who have been there/done that and lived through it all!! Have faith and know that we are all behind you supporting your decisions 110%!!! I love you and those boys need to have a firm hand.... exactly what is needed with those two (take it from me who knows them oh so very well!!) As they say - this too shall pass..... and remember not to make yourself crazy by trying to act as they are still little boys when they are grown and should start acting the part!!! The family meeting sounds like a wonderful idea.... sis - stop letting them use you as a doormat!! You are so much better than that!! Hugs and kisses to you - you know I am always here for you!!!
Kathleen - posted on 02/11/2009
I can relate to you being a little anxious about everything that is going on. Six years ago my husband and I lost everything - house, rrsp, dignity, etc. when my company went bankrupt. I didn't think I would survive the ordeal. Then my stepdaughter arrived at the doorstep needing a place to stay - we didn't have room either - but it's amazing how you find room and try and cope - I found people around made me forget about some issues in my life. I can tell you that it will get better.
I know the cost of having boys, we finish eating and two minutes later they are looking for something else. My boys are 15,17, and low and behold 7.... My 17 year old works part time. One day I sat him down and explained to him that sometimes it wouldn't hurt to help out - I know its hard - we were kids to and what was yours - was supposed to be yours....right???? After a little while, he started bringing home milk, bread and other little things to help out and even offered a little gas money for me driving him to work. I have never asked him for "room/board" but with all the financial loss he has seen happen to our family, he realizes it's not all about HIM. Good luck and I hope things change for your husband
Louise - posted on 02/11/2009
i quite agree with linda you have really got to put your foot down make them pay there way or tell them to go they won,t be able to live anywhere else for free.It will make them more responsible in the end and don,t tidy up after them try and make them do it and if they pay there way help out with the washing hope your husband finds work soon goodluck .
Linda - posted on 02/11/2009
I agree he should chip in and help you. He is older now and he knows what right from wrong and if he doesn't pick up after him self like clothes. put them in a green garbage bag and when he says he has no clean clothes tell him to wash them him self. Iam sorry to hear your husband has got laid off hope thing work out soon for you and your family. I know when I was in my teens and I work I had to pay bored and it was about 20-25 dollars a week plus went to school. and it wont hurt him it will give him respondsable. and it will help him in the long run. Please let me know what happens
Tammy - posted on 02/10/2009
I agree with Michelle. But I would also like to add that your sons are grown and they moved back with you after once being on their own. So now is the time to set ground rules. Also, they should be looking for a job and helping with the grocerys and the upkeep of the house. They should be told that it isn't a free ride. Since your husband has recently been laid off, your sons should step up and help out when needed. I sympathize with you. But remember stand your ground. Everything will work out for the best.
Michelle - posted on 02/10/2009
I an totally empathize. Maybe they can make contracts with you and your husband, rules that are convenient for you, cleaning up helping with the things that need to be done around the house, making it easier for you instead of more stressful. And agreeing to the amount of time they will be residing with you. And remembering to keep in prayer. All of mine (4) are still home and dependent, I'm hoping as most parents do, that once they move out it will be for good.
Frankie - posted on 02/10/2009
As a Mother of four as well I had 2 return home after being on their own for a time . i learned that It is as much an adjustment to them as it is to us as parents. Both childern were expected to pay a minimal amount in rent ,must maintain a job and if I was cleaning up after them or doing their laundry they were paying me for it. (not much,enough to let them know I wasnt going to be taken for granted) My daughter actually didnt mind paying me to do her laundry,my son learned quickly how to do his own either way worked for me. Tension runs high as the adult children feel as though they should be "ALLOWED" to do what they want . And so they should as long as they are completly informed of the rule of living in your home.For example One rule that was a must If the child was not coming home that evening they must call before 11pm and tell us, we simply expected common curtisoy and insisted on it.
For what its worth Both My daughter and son have again moved out married and have a child of their own and we all made it through and you will too. God Blees and I feel Your Pain I really do. We love them to death but its a whole new world when they come home again!
Melissa - posted on 02/10/2009
Karen's advice is sound. As my husband has always told our girls, something for nothing has no value. They need to contribute to the running of the household in some way--if money is not possible, then working around the house may be an option. Keeping your house to the level of cleanliness you desire should be respected. Another tidbit of wisdom I heard recently is what is accepted becomes acceptable, so whatever you allow will be the norm. A written contract may be the way to go so that all parties know what's expected and there is no arguing about what the rules are. Good luck, and stand your ground.
Karen - posted on 02/10/2009
Time to put your foot down and make some rules for your own sanity. If they don't comply with your rules, tell them they will have to find another place to live. I would also take the amount of money that is beyond what they were before they moved in and divide them in two and tell them that is what they owe you to live there. If they don't like it, they will test you to see if you're serious and they will push you to see how far they can get. Stand your ground...for your sanity's sake.
Alison - posted on 02/10/2009
Boy oh boy you are in a jam. Are the older boys working? If so tell them to fork over some dough and start cleaning up after themselves. As long as you let them they will walk all over you. I know its easier said than done but you have to do it. Sit down and have a heart to heart with them. If they are not working then there has to be some way for them to help out. How old are other kids? I know expensive life is. We are 7 here and no one really helps us out either which is a story unto itself. So believe me i can relate. One of my daughters gives me $25 dollars a week. It isn't much but it does help on those extra tight weeks. Do you have any close friends that you can vent to? I am here if you need it.
Audree - posted on 02/10/2009
My philosophy is they all must help out. If they are going to live in your home, there are rules, even when they are adults. I think I saw it Dr Phil, he suggested a lease agreement, when rent is due etc. In this agreement are standard rules of conduct when living in this home. At the end, you can say hopefully, when it's time to move out, you will be able to help them w/ a deposit on a home or condo
Joanne - posted on 02/10/2009
I know how expensive these kids can be!!! My kids are 18, 15, and14 and they are all boys...did I mention that they all eat like there's no tomorrow? They go through 10-12 gallons of milk per week, 4 giant loaves of bread... the list goes on!!! I can't even imagine trying to feed them if my husband was on layoff!!! I really feel for you! Just to let you know...when I lived at home...many moons ago...my mom charged me $25.00 a week to help out with the cost of things...hey if they are living there...that is the least that they can do!!! I also had to make dinner, and clean half of the house. I would make them chip in and give you a little help...otherwise you will work yourself to death!!! Let me know how it goes and GOOD LUCK!!!