How do i help my older son who has a drug addiction?

Arlene - posted on 12/26/2009 ( 309 moms have responded )

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Hi,
I have a 23 yr.old who has had a serious drug addition for years (son) and i've tryed everything and nothings working.
I'm at the tough love stag but feel i'm not "being" there for him doing that...any advice or similar situations out there....HELP... I don't want to loose my son!!!

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Linnea - posted on 07/01/2013

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I can relate to all of you here, have been (and still am) there. All I can say is, you HAVE to let go. You are not helping by letting them live at home, you are not helping by buying them cigarettes (they trade them back into the stores for cash to use for drugs), giving them a DIME...they will NEVER hit their personal bottom if you keep cushioning the blow. This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with, but my 23 year old has been in and out of jail, detox, rehab, etc. since he was 16. I do carry some guilt; he struggled in school, and we fought all the time because he'd zone out doing homework. Had him tested for ADD, tried to get on an IEP in school, but nothing helped. Junior yr they finally found he had a learning disability whereby he knew and understood what he was reading/doing/solving, but could not churn it out into the answer he meant to give. You'd never know; he is well spoken and smart to talk to, just could not verbalize answers on paper. I think part of what may have led him down the path he's on is the frustration he felt; he knew he wasn't stupid, and yet felt like he was letting everyone (me) down. He had great friends growing up, but somewhere along the line, someone introduced him to drugs, and self medicating, and it's just gone downhill from there. He has a beautiful 2 yr. old baby boy and his whole life in front of him, but there is nothing on Gods' green earth that has more pull in an addicts life than his next fix. Threatening, cajoling, telling him he needs to step up and get a job and be a good daddy; it's all just so much static to a heroin addicts' ears. The most you can do is pray, let them know that you love them, always have and always will, that you hate that heroin has taken them away from you, but you have faith that someday he'll be able to stand tall and look his addiction in the eye and shoot it down. Give them a hot meal, and send them on their way. If you think they won't steal from YOU, think again. They will. Addiction is the most cunning thing you will ever deal with. My son stole credit cards, jewelry, cash, anything he could get his hands on, from grandparents, me, strangers, friends, friends of friends. He has become a walking fountain of lies. If they tell you the sky is blue, look up. It's probably gray. My son is currently in jail on $50k bail, and there he shall stay until the courts decide his fate. He's had 28 arrests since 2006, and all I can do is thank God he's behind bars because he's not lying dying in the street somewhere, at least for tonite. I have been told he has a makeshift "camp" in the woods in our town. If you think this doesn't kill me inside, you're wrong. It wrecks me, but I won't allow him to manipulate our family any more, or to influence his little sister, or have me lie awake waiting to hear him shuffling and stumbling around downstairs just so I know he's home. I'm always here for him to help if he is helping himself, but I won't watch as he wastes away any longer. He's going to have to hit rock bottom before he can climb back up, and I pray that he lives long enough to go through the effort. Not sure that this helps/hurts anyone...guess I'm just reinforcing what I go through in my head every day. Praying for all of us!

Rona - posted on 12/28/2009

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Arlene, hi hoping you really want an answer to your question. I am a mother of a 24 year old boy with a very serious addiction to alcohol, pills and methamphetamine and is currently on his way to prison for the 3rd time. I myself am a recovering addict. I was a heroin addict for 21 years and my mom tried every way she knew to help me. She tried to help keep me off the streets by giving me money, giving me rides, giving me a home, paying my bills, taking care of my kids, almost lost her home because she wouldn't give up on me. She cried, she had me arrested, she begged, she tried treatment (12 times) and she supported me in jail, she was always there for me. Nothing she did could get me sober and keep me that way. I was not a drug addict because I had a bad childhood or a traumatic experience, I got in with the wrong crowd and being a spoiled brat, spoiled by love and attention and protection, I had no coping skills. My mom did everything she could think of and tried every way she could to protect me, from the streets, the dealers, the cops, and my self. She never gave up on me and always told me she loved me and would be there for me and I knew that regardless of what I did she would be there for me. She tried tough love too, but didn't have the heart to continue because she thought if she wasn't there for me I would die. My oldest son was taken from me by his dad's family (his dad introduced me to heroin). I didn't raise him but he turned into a carbon copy of his dad and me. I always loved and appreciated my mom for what she did for me, she kept me safe, let me know I was loved but also enabled me to continue living the way I did for so many years. Don't get me wrong, I do not blame her for any wrong decision I made. I do not blame my ex for introducing me to my arch enemy. Every addict has to get to the point where they are tired of living the way they are living, tired of hurting themselves and those they love, tired of existing and not living. The one thing an addict has to do to get sober is get sober for themselves and no one else. The best way to help your son is to let him know that you love him and will support him when he seriously seeks help. Set boundaries with him, do not enable him, do not give him money, offer to help him while he is in treatment, offer to help him as long as he helps himself but if he slips, do not give him money for rent, make his car payment, buy him groceries, bond him out of jail or anything that will allow him to continue to use without consequences. I don't know if any of this is helping but I thought that maybe if you heard from an addict in recovery that the only thing that helps is supporting us when we help ourselves and not enabling us to keep using. When you send us money while we are in jail, that is enabling, when you give us money when we say we are hungry you are paying for our next fix, when you give us money to fix you are killing us. Now that I am sober I let my mama know every day how much I love and appreciate her and take responsibility for my recovery as well as my past, she wasn't the reason I used or the reason I got sober. I let her off the hook when I take responsibility for my actions. My mom was so codependent and from what you say you are as well. When we are using we take hostages and even though you aren't using we cause you to be just as sick as we are. I would seriously suggest that you seek an Alanon group. I am not being condesending or saying you are the one who needs help not your son. Your son is gonna have to be tired of being an addict and tired of the life it brings and seek help himself, you need someone to talk to who understands you and empowers you and Alanon can help. Using drugs and alcohol is a choice, when you cross the line from abuse of drugs to drug addiction there are only two choices for an addict, to continue to use or seek help. YOU cannot get your young man sober, you can support his efforts at recovery but you cannot get him there, IT MUST BE HIS CHOICE. But don't enable him. My mom helped me get to treatment 11 times. After the 11th failure, I was sitting in her house one day, she and my dad had left for vacation, my youngest son was living down the street with my sister and I was alone, had money but just sat in the house staring at the wall, I had lost my desire to live and had lost hope of a better life, then I realized that I had lost the one thing that I always had, HOPE. With no one's help, I called Managed Care in Lubbock Texas, got into detox, went to a 30 day treatment program at the Walker House for Women in Lubbock and I am still sober. I am in college working on my PhD in Sociology, am engaged to a doctor and am working to repair 21 years of damaged relationships and have very close loving relationships with all my family, including my step dad who was ready to divorce my mom over me. My oldest son doesn't want my help, but I continue to love him, write him and pray for him, my youngest son is with me constantly, hes my buddy but he is 15 and doesn't talk to me much unless he needs me, you know how teenagers are. Don't feel bad about the tough love, but be consistent and be an example. Get tough on yourself, get to an Alanon group or seek counseling for yourself, don't be a hostage and let someone take you down emotionally. We really don't mean to hurt the ones we love when we are addicted, but if we sense your weakness we will use it until there is nothing left to use and then keep going. It is his choice to use, it has to be his choice to recover, if he does it for you or anyone but himself it won't work. When he is tired of living in hell he will surrender. And you will be there and so will God. God bless you and you will be in my prayers.

Stacy - posted on 07/14/2013

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I have a 22 year old son who is addicted to meth and marijuana and also uses fake weed which i have heard is worse than regular weed and almost as bad as meth. He says he isnt using meth anymore but recently got kicked out of his apt. because the police raided his apt. where they found that some of his friends have been making meth. He has been using drugs since he was about 17 and I am very worried. He asked me if he could come stay with my husband and me but I had to tell him no this time. It broke my heart but I am afraid to let him stay with us again. I recently had to call the police on him when he was staying with us because he got violent and got into a fight with my youngest son.
The hardest thing is that we are moving out of state in a couple of weeks and I really dont want to leave him here with no place to stay but I also dont want to take his problems with me. I love him with all my heart and I feel like this is taking over my life and killing me one day at a time.
My question to anyone out there in similar situations is, do you think it is wrong for me to move 700 miles away and leave him here to figure it out when he has no place to stay?
Please help...

Colleen - posted on 07/22/2013

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I have been here before, read the stories and pat myself on the back - thinking - Oh, he's not as bad as that. It's called denial - and boy have I been in it. My son has been on and off drugs for three years. He is 20 years old. He has wrecked two cars, he has been in jail twice, mental institutions twice, almost died from overdose twice, and is currently on probation for two pending felony charges stemming from stealing out of people's cars so that he would have money to buy more drugs. He has stolen from me, my ex, my current husband, his grandparents, his step brother and sister. He has been kicked out and I keep letting him back in. The result is always the same. We have reached an apex now where he is smoking weed CONSTANTLY day and night. He is also on something else that makes his eyes roll back in his head, fall asleep sitting up and slur his words. I am guessing heroin but I do not know. He also has now taken up drinking - and yesterday consumed 16 beers before I caught on. I am in a constant battle screaming, yelling, threatening. He has another drug test this week and he has been called to court August 2nd for probation violation for failing the last test. I figure he will fail this one too. I actually hope that he fails it so that they will put him in jail and we can have some peace in our home. I woke up this morning and he had posted an ad on craigslist selling a PS3 controller. Where did he get that? He stole it of course. I went and got an eviction notice, and will follow through if for some reason the court decides to slap him on the wrist again. I am going to attempt to write the judge a letter outlining why he needs to be in jail, because if he does not go to jail, I will definitely be burying my son. He doesn't have a problem. I am the problem. I won't stop bitching, he says. I told him he needs rehab - he says he won't go to rehab. My only hope is jail and hope that comes before he overdoses again. His "friend" was over last week (aka another drug addict) and came bearing a check supposedly from his mother. Bank wouldn't cash it. He deposited into ATM and the ATM turned around and let him withdraw $100 of the $150 check. I got in touch with his father, and let him know about it, and turns out the check was overnighted to his mother, who kept asking the kid if it had come and he told her no. They are all the same. Manipulative, lying, stealing people who have one goal only and that is to score drugs and get high. I love my son, I have gone into probably $25,000 in debt for court fines, lawyers, etc., thinking this would be the last time. Surely he will change. He never did and I'm convinced he never will. To all you other parents out there, I feel your pain, your loss and your saddness.

Laura - posted on 07/14/2013

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I too have a son with a serious drug problem who at one time was 13, then 16, then 19, then 21, and on and on and is now 31. I'm an older mom now and still feel overwhelmed at times, discouraged, angry, and overall just very very sad that my son is not just living with drug addiction, but is actually dying with drug addiction. He could quit and I pray to God that he will, but my denial is growing more and more thin and I am getting more and more realistic that maybe he never will. Maybe my baby, my adult son will actually die before me. He has been in prison twice, completed 19 drug treatment programs with no sobriety following them, fell off a third story balcony and broke his back, had a stint put in his only kidney after being beaten up, has fallen from cliffs and into canyons, has damaged a nerve while injecting his drug of choice, meth, and now has a numb arm and hand, has lost many jobs, property, and the list goes on and on. My heart is very heavy at this moment as I read your post, as I've been there and am still there after so many years. I don't know the fine line between enabling or caring for a disabled son. I ask myself, 'if he had cancer, wouldn't I still feed him, give him housing, be as supportive as I could?' Is getting him locked up in prison just me trying to control the situation or is it trying to save his life? I still question whatever direction I should take and then blame myself or justify whatever I do. I feel for and with you as I too don't want to lose my son. One thing that sometimes helps is the saying from the Big Book that says "'and then there are those that we just have to turn over to God as there is nothing more we can do." Our children came from God and we were never promised that we could keep them. I am sorry that I am so despondent but I hear your pain and wish I could fix it, but I'm just a mom who loves her son as you do.

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Dave - posted on 10/13/2014

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Darlene- It's been a while since I've been on this site. I'm 29 years old and have been in recovery for over 3 but while I in active addiction I created a lot of chaos for my parents. Stealing, Lying, breaking my Moms heart. I am committed to helping parents of and individuals stuck in the vicious circle of suffering caused by addiction. Being in active addiction is like being a Fire and burning up all resources possible. Cutting the fuel supply is a difficult option but sometimes the best for your own well being. When there's no fuel left we steal and find other ways to continue burning. It's extremely difficult and somewhat dangerous to offer suggestions without a better understanding of the situation. I have created a website RealTalkAddiction DOT com that offer resources for parents in your situation. Please contact through there. Otherwise my best advice is DO NOT provide any fuel, understand that your child is sick and completely blind of the reality but he/she is still in there. I'm willing to help anyway possible. Anyone is more than welcome to contact me through the above website. Stay strong, my prayers are with you. If I did it, anyone can.

Darlene - posted on 10/08/2014

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Was wondering how to get my name to appear next to my post? It says "You" instead of my name

Darlene - posted on 10/08/2014

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I have a 25 year old son who is addicted to heroin & to my knowledge had started out drinking/partying at age of 18, had a good job in plumbing field for 5 years, then I was told he was on "thirties" & I'm like what is that? Turns out it is Percocet painkillers then progressed into other drugs I'm assuming, about 2 years ago he had taken money out of my wallet then started asking for small amounts of money & of course I gave it to him not knowing what it was for, this went on until he went into rehab for 3 weeks, got out & all hell broke loose, it was like letting an animal out of a cage, everything from stealing, arrested for drugs, spent one night in jail, we paid in pound fees to get truck back, then a month later totals truck, going on these disappearing acts for a few days at a time, running with homeless people then crawling back home to rest up & shower, last 2 jobs he had his performance was poor but showed up because he needed drug money which he was broke in 2 days & stealing from garage to get drugs, it's at a point where if u blink, one minute I do something nice like feed him & he's behind garage stealing every bit of scrap metal to cash in even if it means storming out with his work van to get it, he has went as far as taking our vehicles to do it & sneaking out late at night, corrupting our lives with kaos, confusion, arguing, shouting, I want to stick to my rules & be firm but husband is more calm, gives in more, doesn't like confrontation unless he's at a breaking point to actually shove or grab him by arm to scare him into stopping, my life is not my own anymore from dealing with this, I'm consumed with getting him help & putting my life on hold sometimes, husband & I are at a point of "we've had enough ", he's a grown man who needs to suffer thru pain of withdrawals & consequences, like everyone here has said, we don't want to give up hope but be strong & firm but let them know we love & care about what happens to them, he's never really been on his own to find his way in "The real world", hope someone has some ideas that we have not tried so far, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone dealing with this, would be grateful for suggestions, thanks for reading my story.

Roderick - posted on 09/01/2014

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wow.. just found out that my 20 yr old son who is on probation already but still doing drugs.. just found out the drug...crack.. my god.. Im so glad my highly decorated det lt with the nypd father is not alive to see this.. I am going to have to reach out to his probation officer and explain that they must do a hair and blood drug test on him as he is well timed between test and keeps doing drugs of one kind or another.... am I doing the right thing/

Elena - posted on 08/31/2014

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I have a 22 year old son who is an addict. he manipulated everyone into getting him money. I had to come to grips with it and finally told myself he has to save himself. he has to fight for his life. I have to let him go and take responsibility for his actions and addiction. I love him but I will no longer enable him and cripple him. im am heartbroken and torn up but I have to let him go. I cant control his surroundings and make everything comfy for him. God please look after him.

Jean - posted on 08/12/2014

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All I can say to that is God bless you .this is the most painful never ending nightmare one can endure ,I couldn't dream something this horrible .the pain,hurt ,loss,stress,is unmeasurable .death would be easier which is the sick sorry truth because that has closure.

Susan - posted on 08/10/2014

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My son is 27 he has been using herion well he admitted it to me 6 months ago. I live on east coast he on west coast. I have been threw this with his father 30 yrs ago for achohol and cocaine. His father hit bottom and went to treatment and was very involved in NA in the prisons. This is so painful heart wrenching physically make ne sick since im 3000 miles away since he admitted to me he was using herion. I have not sent money my only way to cominucate with him is fb chat or his gf (also on herion) cell if they answer after days of no reply from them. It's the worse feeling. when I have asked Ioffered in patient treatment. He says no I don't need treatment. .he says he's fine. So 5 days ago I wrote on fb chat hoping he would see it that I love him so much and when he's ready to get help im here. And I haven't wrote any thing since 5 days ago. He7 hasn't seen or talked to his son in 6 months that I know of. He has no address no job so im sure he's breaking the kaw. This is the worse thing I've ever been thru. .yes his dad but your child is so much worse to me.(his dad ex husband. died after being sober 4 yrs in a high speed chase no DL HE CRASHED into a tree and died. He was sober per the tox report)
My question that I need anyone's input is that my sister says basically " are you going to help your son" to me. She called a interventionist from the Internet. And I agreed to listen. Even though I know that you can't make a adult child go to treatment if he is "fine" and doesn't want any help. So my mind plays wicked games on me..so should I hire a intervionalist for someone that is just great or fine I don't think the treatment process has changed but I wanted to hear people's input that are not charging 5k on interventionlist on my son who as of 5 days ago is fine and doesn't need any help . Please any feedback I would appreciate I need to know if A Professional Interventionist is going to get my heroin addict son to go to treatment when my son refuses any treatment from me
:(
Sue

Lee - posted on 07/28/2014

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cathy- everyone's rock bottom is different. i surely thought my son hit his years ago. i have come to realize that there is nothing he can say that will make me believe him. only his actions. your son has shown you that he cannot be trusted either. we as parents can do nothing until they want it for themselves. i learned alot from going to naranon meetings and i go to a website called sober recovery. you may find some strength in people who have walked in our shoes, they have insight that we do not have yet. i think we just want to believe so desperately that we convince ourselves that they will mean it "this" time. my son is in jail for a year to be sentenced shortly. do i believe that will change his views- no i don't. i see i need to help myself getsome sort of life other than being caught up in my son. i hope you can get through this with some strength

Cathy - posted on 07/17/2014

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My son is 24 and in jail for theft and meth - this his is second time in jail. I did the tough love thing and he convinced us that he wanted to do good, he wanted to stay clean and work...He did that for about a month, then sold everything, started using/steeling and now he's in jail - so how do you know when they REALLY mean they are done? Hitting "rock bottom"?

Lee - posted on 06/25/2014

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i am new to this website and have been through hell and bacjk as all of you have. i live in nassau county and have a 24 year old who is at deaths door. five years ago he was stabbed in the liver and had a ounctured lung, he clung to life. we surely thought if he pulled through that would be his rock bottom. after in and out of long term treatment centers and being discharged from akk the out patient ones we had few options left. thirteen times in and out of jail bailing him out of each one sending him directly to rehabs. they don't work for him because they are never long enough. insurance is always an issue. phoenix house which does take clients on is a very loose atmpophere and that was his last attempt. he was discharged and within one hour was shooting heroin and locked up for the last time. this is the point i am at now. it is heart wrenching to realize that there is nothing i can do because he just doesn't want help. i had a breakdown , out of work for a month and my husband is just destroyed and a shell of a man. addicts have no idea how they destroy those around them, even the lawyer told me that he feels my son is just determined to get bailed out by a friend and die on the streets, i have such fear of getting that phone calll that he is dead. i have been to meetings and i just feel so helpless and hopeless. what happens to our beautiful children that we bring into this world filled with love?
i don't want to burden my friends anymore with my troubles but maybe someone out there will help me to understand and share some thoughts with. lee

Michelle - posted on 06/03/2014

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I hear your pain, Tammy. It's the hardest thing in the world to cut your child off and not support them. My boy was also great at school, had a beautiful nature and was so popular. His life is in ruins now and I find it so damned hard to not try to "rescue" him. I pushed him into rehab the first time, and of course it ultimately didn't work because he wasn't ready to change long term. But I think that Rona's post also helped me see that ANY support we give them when they are addicts only helps them stay addicts. That includes giving them a roof over their heads, food, money, or even emotional support. It's only when they have no support and nowhere to turn that they will make that decision for themselves that they want their lives to be different. I had hoped Rona would respond to my question about whether she believed she got to the point of making that decision because of the steadfast support and love her mother gave her, or in spite of it. But in any case, most recovered addicts would likely say that supporting them in any way is in fact "enabling". I guess anything that makes it easier to stay on the destructive path they're on, is not helpful. We have to make the tough choice of either being harsh now and let them almost destroy themselves, but hopefully then decide to change, OR help them out now and allow them to continue on this path until they destroy the lives of all those around them too and wind up locked up or dead. Not a choice any parent wants to have to make. I think we all hate that we are even in the position we have to make these choices. We resent them for it. We're angry and ashamed. We're exhausted. So we need to recognise that we are powerless in this and stop over-functioning for them and start taking care of ourselves too. Taking care of ourselves and modelling our own self-respect and boundaries is, I think, one of the best ways we can show our messed-up kids how they need to behave towards themselves and others. I pray for all of us that our kids will come back to us one day. And Linny, my heart bleeds for you and your granddaughter. Stay strong and don't underestimate the difference you are making in your granddaughter's life. She's lucky she has you. xx

Linny - posted on 05/29/2014

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My daughter who has just had her 29th birthday 2 days ago is a meth addict and has been for 6 years now. She had it all. A house, a beautiful child, a great job, a loving nature and a beautiful face. She met this guy who even I thought was lovely but turned out to be the devils spawn. I feel angry all the time. Even with his parents who knew he was on these drugs and thought my daughter was the loveliest person. Why didnt they tell me. I had these people over for dinner because they wanted to meet the parents. If they told me.......who knows. Well I have my granddaughter now and have done for over 5 years. A month ago my daughter turned up bruised and battered and said she needed help. So we put her into rehab. Silly us. We put our two feet down to soon, thought we had our daughter and mother back. Well, she took off from rehab and went back to the wheeling and dealing meth with her useless boyfriend leaving us to pick up the pieces with her 11 year old daughter who thought her mum was coming home. It broke her young spirit and now Ive had to put her into counselling to help with the fact that her mother, my daughter chose drugs and him over her. We have had many a tear and if she turns up again wanting help, I have to think of our feelings and say, the door will never be closed but you cannot keep hurting us like this. So until your clean and free from that person and your demons, you cant come back. It is easy for me to say it, but I hope I have the strength to actually say it when she decides to show up again.

Kia Kaha whanau.(be strong family)

Tammy - posted on 05/28/2014

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Wow Michelle, I stumbled across this also looking for help for my son who is 22. He is addicted to Norco, alcohol and weed. He has been already been in prison for a year for residential burglary trying to steal pills. He has stolen from me, his step dad, and his grandparents. I have opened my eyes to Rona's post. It's so sad to see your baby boy that was so good in school and has such a big heart to be an addict. I thought he was doing better since he got out of prison in August. He has a son, a girlfriend and a job but he recently told me he is addicted again and wants help but lies so much that I don't believe him. I started noticing the same patters again, the bad attitude, the lying, his whole paycheck gone and now he has payday loans out! He lives at home and I'm so scared to kick him out because when I do he says he'll just kill himself. I don't give him ANY money at all and he pays $100 a month to live here. I don't know what to do anymore.....

Michelle - posted on 05/23/2014

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Plazzy, some of us only came across the original post recently, so are just a bit delayed in our contributions, I guess. In any case, it's a difficult and complex topic and I think mother's from everywhere who are affected by this look for whatever means they can to find answers, advice and some comfort. :)

Plazzy - posted on 05/19/2014

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WHY IS EVERYONE COMMENTING ABOUT SOMETHING FROM 2009? Did I miss something here? I'm sure I probably did, so please be kind okay. Just curious and I'm trying to learn...
That's all.
Plazzy

Djjj - posted on 05/17/2014

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I believe none of us moms want to lose their sons or daughters. Tough love is to watch your child suffer and I know that hurts. First thing is to STOP ENABLING

Michelle - posted on 04/27/2014

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I know I'm late in adding to this conversation, but just stumbled across it while searching (rather aimlessly) the internet for some advice. My 24 yo son is an alcohol and weed addict and has used other drugs in the past. I'm at a turning point - not knowing whether to give him an ultimatum or not. I have to say a HUGE thank you to Rona - your post has cleared up a lot of things for me. Thank you dear girl for your honesty and concise description of your mother's inadvertent "enabling". It made it all clear to me that it is precisely what I have been doing. Potentially "killing" him with kindness. It's a difficult thing for a mother to let go and stop trying to "fix" things for her hurting child, but it's also a fine line between helping and enabling. I'm about to tell my son he has two choices (again) - go back to rehab, get clean and try again or move out. I've told him before (and now am confident that it's the right thing to do), that my bottom line is that I will support him any way I can while he is recovering and doing things to help himself, but I will not support him to destroy himself. My biggest fear is when he talks of suicide because he feels he has no future, with or without drugs. I'm so afraid to push him too hard and leave him feeling he really has no other option for ending his inner turmoil. What if he does kill himself and I've contributed to that?? It's soooo hard to know what to do and at what point to wash your hands of it all. Rona, if you're still reading these posts - is it not possible that it was in fact your mother's persistence in showing you her love and support regardless of your addiction and bad behaviour, that may have been what got you to the point that you made the decision to turn your life around? Would you have reached that point if you had been left to your own devices and been homeless and hungry? Or was it the fact that she showed you that you had someone who would never give up on you that gave you that glimmer of hope? Even though I'm not sure what will help my son reach that epiphany moment, I do realize it may not come from anything I do or say, so can only pray I take the right approach with him now and that it helps him in the long run. Every day I miss the beautiful boy he was and that I've lost.

Janis M - posted on 03/23/2014

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Daniel, i think you should go online and look for a rehab. It takes courage but you can call up and tell someone you want help. Usually they will have their person that handles insurance see if you will be covered by your ins if you have any. If you don't think you can call have a trusted person call for you. Ask questions! If youve made this decision you need a place that will have the best chance of helping you. Is it away from your using area? Is it minimum 30-45 days, hopefully alot longer? Does it have halfway house after rehab? Does it have support after you get out? I think when my son went to rehab we didnt ask questions, we were too upset. It ended up being 15 days! This is really just long enough to detox. Main thing is go! My sons addiction has left him lonely, sad, depressed and afraid. He doesnt use as much because he doesnt have the money. He smokes pot whenever he can because his brain wont stop. He says uts si full and spins so the pot makes it stop for awhile. I think he uses opiates too but i can tell its not daily. He was a star athelete, smart, handsome. Its sad but we are happy he has been working for 7 months, pretty much digging ditches. He is 27. All of his friends have grown up, gotten an education married etc etc. He seems like a 20 year old if that. I think there is always the question. i often ask what part of my son is the addiction, what is the attention deficit, what is the mental illness piece that may or may not have been caused by the drugs? I think all if the addicts have intertwining issues that feed into each other. Today things are better than they were but i dont want my son to accept this mediocre life and ivdont want to accept it either! Do what is necessary!

Daniel - posted on 03/22/2014

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Hi everyone. I don't know how I got to this page and ended up reading most of the posts. I guess like some of you I also need help. Learning how moms like you suffer in seeing your sons/daughters somehow fade away into a totally different person and will do whatever it takes to get them back or at least whats left of them.It made me realize a lot of things. I also need help and I feel with all the moms here talking about how to help their child but doesn't know where to begin or how to do it I figure if I share my story , how I think and feel may help some of you. I am also a son who needs help. I'm 49yrs old. I experienced meth when I was in my teens probably 19y/o out of curiosity/ stupidity and peer pressure. I didn't like it the first time but didn't hate it either. So if friends invite me to join them I just go with them thinking it can't get into me. It is something that cannot affect me in anyway. After a few yrs and was already in college something changed. My circle of friends in college are into meth. That is when I started using it to belong and even cope up with different situations. I failed to finish college. I thought that's it ! nothing better is gonna happen to me. But at some point between occasionally using meth and trying to plan what to do with my future,. I had this overwhelming feeling to prove myself. What I am capable of. You see I always had this guilt about my drug use and never denied that meth is a bad thing and can ruin one's life. It is when I decided to do productive things and try to excel with all other things I do and just leave meth as only bad thing I do as much as possible. Even with the friends I'm doing it with. We all made it a point not to be a stereotype junkie. During this time I think I was already in my early 20's. I was able to get a good job despite my educational attainment and was also paid well and i even did well in what i do. I felt so complete as a person back then. Promising, accomplished looking forward to a great future ahead of me. All I think about is that there's nothing I cannot do. Not to mention that I also manage to keep a steady relationship and eventually married my girlfriend for 10yrs and became my wife. Slowly what meth means to me was no longer the same when I first tried it. I see it as something dangerous but also a juvenile habit that my close friends and I never outgrew. Carried over from college days. So we just use whenever we get together and carry on with what's really important. Family career and friendship. Basically a group of friends that is fairly living a blessed and a well balanced life. For years we have watched each others back. Married life and career related issues were handled maturely. I may say we were able to give each other sound advice even under the influence of meth. Of course from time to time and with excessive drug use, meth would take control . Whenever it happens what we do is we'll take a break to cool down for a couple of days or so. No one really knew that we are addicted to this substance not even our wives. Only some the friends back in college that we still hangout with. It went like that for years. Until I grew tired of the pretensions. Also my job became too demanding and stressful that I channel them all to meth. Steadily increasing the amount of meth I use. When I'm happy I celebrate with meth. When problematic and frustrated i also use meth. Now this are the only two feelings a person would feel at any given time. Either your happy or sad. Sort of saying I'm always using meth. Then I started leaving the jobs I have and would still end up getting a job one after the other. I was invincible. I'm unstoppable. It was only about 3 yrs ago when my wife worked overseas and never thought that it would impact me greatly. Without her around I was free to do drugs and not worry that she'll find out. It was the turning point for me. Yes I can still fool the people around me. My loved ones all protected from knowing my secret. It was me who cannot take it anymore. I was starting to do things against my personal belief.against my morals. I was starting to hate myself and who I became. It was never my intention to hurt my family . As far as I know I am the kind of person who always means well. The person I became still means well. Only this time it was sounding like it was just an excuse. What I think and say did not always match my actions. Trying to fix things every time I mess up due to excessive drug use. I would always end up in a dipper hole than the one little screw up I'm trying to fix. It felt like I was going around in circles. Spiraling out of control. The love of my family for me is blinding them from the truth.they try as much as they can to believe or ignore the obvious that something's wrong with me. I got fed up with it. I hated myself and I can no longer take misleading my family. I was no longer in control of myself . I know the right thing to do and always end up not doing it. So I finally decided to tell my wife about it. She cried and was so eager to give support. Immediately guaranteed she will be beside me and help me go through this. I also told my older sister about it. I was expecting to get help from them but somehow I felt like I'm not getting any or the kind of help I need. I think maybe for them my drug problem was that serious of a problem. With the long history of abusing the drug I thought I would get like an emergency response from them. In the past I already thought of quitting. It's just that I would be losing a lot because I of my career and if I'll go to rehab or detox the stigma if others would find out signals the end of my career. So every time I thought of quitting I just end up slapping myself saying I can do this. Lay low a bit sober up until you can and continue holding the fort. Going back, after I confessed in a month I was using it again. Not as heavily as before though. I can say I'm out of the sink hole. Right now I decided to be a stay home dad. It is against my will but I wanted to appreciate what I have and really be happy about it. I love my kids of course however what I do back then are always more important or always first priority. As long as I provide for them then that's good enough for me. I also told my mom and honestly just knowing that she's there caring and believing in me already helps me a lot. Although I know most of the time she also doesn't know how to help me even if she wants to. Becoming dependent on drugs truly affects us. May seem to even change our personality and how our moms knew us. I guess what I'm saying is that yes we are wrong even if not everyone of us are willing to admit it. Maybe we feel we're okay because who we are as a person is still inside us. Our thoughts and feelings are still the same as how we remember it even before we started using drugs. Our actions however is betraying us.Substance abuse messes up the wirings in our brain in the long run. I am still capable of loving the people I care about. I still want to be loved by my family. I want to end the shame and be truly proud about myself again. I want peace of mind. I love my mom and I want her to be proud of me as I am with her. I'll start now. I admit I have a drug problem. I need help......so I can finally help other people as well.

Sandy - posted on 02/20/2014

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I am in a very similar situation - smart kid who could have gone anywhere he chose. I don't know for sure if he's on drugs, alcohol, or whether its mental - actually, it could be all three. His personality has changed, for the worst, in the last several months - he's gone from an open, lovable, smiling son to an distant introvert who doesn't care about anything but his friends and "having a good time." He was a very happy child and teenager (though he did start getting into innocent mischief in middle school), very sweet. He's not like that anymore. He shows me minimal respect, makes stupendous choices, and does not take care of himself. His appearance has changed - thinner, dark circles under eyes, unshaved, disheveled looking. He was very popular in school, but right now he's hanging with a lower class of people - none of his former friends that he'd had for a long time. He's in jail right now doing a 2-4 month stay. He doesn't care about anything valuable - he dropped out of college, trashed his apartment and got kicked out, abandoned his car in another state, left rehab, left mental health facility, because he "doesn't need help," right?. We've done everything under the sun to help him but he rejects it. Its awful but I feel more at ease since he's been in jail - at least I know where he is.
I didn't mean to ramble on, I did not help you in any way, but it feels good to get it off my chest. If you want to vent, don't hesitate. I am going to have to do the "tough love" thing to some degree, and it hurts a lot, but nothing I've done thus far has worked - and I've given him everything.

Linnea - posted on 02/18/2014

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Laura - Your post literally oozes pain, and I feel so horrible for you. I can't say what is right or wrong for anyone (including myself!). All I can do is pray and hope that whatever decisions I've made are the most helpful/least damaging. To my way of thinking, I would never hand my son money, nor anything he could sell, nor keys to the castle. The things I would not deny him however, are coming home to visit us whenever he wishes, provided he is not visibly on something and/or disruptive; a meal whenever he wants/needs to join us; and support in any and all efforts he makes at sobriety and a better life. It ain't much, but it's all I've got sometimes. Best to all of us!

Linnea - posted on 02/18/2014

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Reply to Michael...I feel your pain (I feel the pain of everyone on this topic, actually), and I realize this is a late reply, but hoping everything is ok with you and your sons' situation. Mine is still in jail, since June, but after not visiting with him (a first for me), not sending him money for canteen (another first), and not writing (yet another first!), he sent me a letter in October, and we've been writing somewhat frequently. The tone in his letters is positively upbeat, and basically telling me that although he's been in jail many times, this by far was the most eye - opening, humbling experience he's had. He told me that he has no right to expect me to believe in him, but that he WANTS me to get excited, be hopeful, and have faith because he intends to get out, go straight to rehab, then sober housing, and become the son and dad that we have all deserved. Of course I take this with a grain of salt because he always sounds good and has a plan when he has some sobriety under his belt (forced or otherwise) but as his mom, I will always remain cautiously optimistic that this really will be the time it sticks. It takes a big leap of faith to "abandon" your addicted child/spouse/friend, but please know that it is not truly abandoning them; it is leaving them with as few resources to get at drugs as possible, and this is the only way you can contribute to their recovery. You pulling away may feel horrible (scratch that - DEFINITELY feels horrible), but much the same as you have to leave a crying baby by himself to teach them to sleep on their own, you need to leave your crying-out for help addicted child to their own devices in order to allow them to run out of options; only then can they possibly find their way out of the hole they've been digging themselves into. Praying for all of us going through this life with an addict.

Louise - posted on 02/12/2014

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Hi my son he's 18y recently started cannabis . I did not know until he had a lung collapse .He is a good boy and always was no1 at school . He wants to get to one of the best uni but he couldn't . However he went to uni in and started an engineering course. I'm desperate now. He promised me to not taking any more but I can't trust him? any tip please let me know. Thanks

Pam - posted on 02/08/2014

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Thank you for your post. I am that mom and my girls are that family. The story is the same as the one you describe. The hurt and crushed hopes are what tear us apart. He has a record a mile long no drivers license since he was 18 and he just turned 24. I know he is in pain and I know he feels bad but even 6 rehab visits didn't help. I freak out every time I hear siren or smell or see or hear the wordS alcohol or drugs. Everyone tells me to put him on the curb but I can't. I did that once and he overdosed 3 times got his face punched in and his hand broken and made more trips to the emergency room and police station. Your story is helpful and I hear your shame but I didn't hear how you got sober or how your family is today. At what point did you get sober and pull yourself out from the abiss?

Roomy - posted on 02/05/2014

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to all of the moms, dads, sisters and brothers out there who has an addict in the family that is tearing them apart, I am very sorry, I am an addict that has tore my family apart over the years. I started using when I was 19, I am now 48 and no longer use drugs. I know the pain that I put my family through, in and out of rehabs, stealing, lying, and doing every bad thing I could, just to use drugs, but I want to tell you, an addict has so much pain and hurt in his life that only another addict can understand. my family stuck with me instead of giving me the tough love, and even though I hurt them, time and time again, just when they thought I was ok, I would hurt them again, and out of rehab, hurt them again, but they still took me back, and I will always love them for that. I know of a lot of friends and family that didn't take their addict sons back and now they are dead. I am alive because of my family,, I cant promise that for all of your sons and daughters, I wish I could, but addiction is a monster. my love, thoughts and prayers go out to you all, I have learned a few things over the years that have helped me, if I can offer any solutions, or comfort to anyone, my e mail is creeksrising at hot mail dot com, I am getting a new computer next week, so I will check my e mails then, but I want to tell you, while there is breath, there is hope,

J - posted on 02/03/2014

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what can i say to my 22 yr old who is doing drugs and avoiding me and his dad unless he needs money! he has an ex gf who says hes the babies daddy and he wont get a dna because he loves the whore and she has done it with every guy on elk river but he works out of town 6 out of 7 days a week and the baby looks like his friend! he is payin for her a new car he pays for her cell and he gives her525 a mth for child suport for a kid that i really dont belong to him1 HE TOLD ME he only does drugs becUSE OF HER! WHAT Cn i say to help him

Cin - posted on 01/28/2014

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THEY won't STOP until they HIT BOTTOM. Or ASK for Help until They are. READY!!!!!

Well my son got into Drugs when he was 14 ,hardcore drugs, I tried everything, but he took,took,Lyed,manipulated ppl, just mean, rude treated me nicely Only when he wanted something when I said NO he got angry called me a liar, searched the whole house for money, for his next fix...it was. AWFUL..long story short.
It was scary a few times I came home and found my son with a needle in his arm and he had ODosed...I would sit with him make sure he was breathing, because you cannot take a Drug addict to hospital ,they can't treat him, when they don't know, or you don't know what is in there system. They frown on Users!!!

You Pray,Pray,Pray, sit with them until it wares off, just as long as he was breathing ...
Then my sons father passed away, he had handled it ok at first, then while he was 2000 miles away at Memorial, he O dosed in his brothers basement, heart stopped for 9 mins.. Then he flew home, and said Mom, I need help now, put himself in to Detox,Treatment,and a 12 step after treatment program.. He is doing great,20 pounds heavier. it's like anything ... he or she will have to HIT rock bottom,BUT. Lock up money,jewelry,anything that is worth money, hide your keys, to car,pickup,house...I MEAN it... Addicition takes over there BODY they will do just about ANYTHING for that NEXT HIGH....

Sophie - posted on 01/23/2014

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Hey everyone,

I recommend everyone to read http://addictions.about.com/.
We can get some advice to handle the situation with knowledge and good information.

I think we must accept that we need the professional help. Please go to the meetings. Talk to the counselors. Find the right one. Most of time the addicted person become very strong by instinct of surviving that love and weaknesses don't help. I think we must become very firm and show them that rehab or clinics are the only choices. Otherwise they will be living in the shelters.
We must change our attitude toward them, otherwise they will take advantages of our weaknesses without any pity.

I did that for my 25 years son. I'm a very caring mother, but finally after 6 months I said rehab or shelter. If you don't stay in a rehab I come with police officer and you go to jail or to the shelter. Believe me the only right way is to push them to hit the bottom.
My son came out from rehab after 5 months doing good. I'm proud of myself for being strong and direct. It worked out when I stop crying and I took action.

There are also the free rehab. Get information. Get professional help.

Brenda - posted on 12/21/2013

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I, too, am in the same situation. My son is 33 yr old and am going to try and help clean up his misdemeanors on file but just this morning told him I could not have him live with me. I do not have the trust and faith to be around him. My ex has done quite a bit and his sisters have given up. Comes a time when you have to take care of yourself when they are in drugs you have no control either they stop or die. Breaks my heart as a mom this is worst than death to see someone you love self destruct.

Brenda

Gloria - posted on 12/15/2013

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This sounds just like my son. It takes a lot out of me. He thinks nothing of it. My mind is so confused about letting go. Tough. Love is so hard to do when your a mother. Our hearts are for our children. Pls. Let's. Pray for one another.

Isabel - posted on 12/07/2013

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my son is on dugs we recently lost my husband his dad I know he is doing drugs and I fund out hhe was using heroin too I kkep tell him the same thing that I love him and I will be there for him on the good but on the bad no I love him he gave us to many problems my husband died so sad because him I tell him that he needs help he needs to go to rehab and he said he doesn't need it I don't know what to do to help him if he doesn't help himself he is 20 he will be 21 in May I would like to do something before 21 but he don't do it I DONT KNOW I losing my home because my husband didn't pay insurance to keep it now I am in bad shape financially very bad and he doesn't help for anything my husband spoiled him he thinks he will have everything free I don't know what to do I need help

Jessica - posted on 11/21/2013

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Drugs and crime consume my son. He keeps his distance from his family. He is 23. We live in a small community. He is not interested in seeking help. I live waiting to mourn my son. I'm mourning him already.

Sarita - posted on 11/20/2013

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I have a 36 old son who is on heroin. He says he is going to the clinic and is doing the methadone but I think he is using other drugs as well. I think he is doing Zanex or what ever he can get his hands on if he doesn't get to the clinic. He has 2 kids that are staying at our house and they are out of control as well. His girlfriend (there mother) is a user all so. She says he has got worse since he has been going to the clinic. She goes to the clinic too. I think they both need to go off for treatment but he won't go. I'm afraid he is going to die. He is so skinny and looks terrible. He lies to me and steals from me. He has broke me. I want to help him what can I do? Please help me quick.

Hornpipeh662718 - posted on 11/20/2013

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I`m there too , my son is 28 , he told me had his first taste of cannabis with his cousin when they were 15 on the school field , as a mum I was so shocked , my nephew walked away from it and has a fantastic career in the R A F , living life to the full , but for some reason my son who has always been so happy and loving couldn`t walk away from it. Through the past thirteen years I have tried so many ways to help him , I tried to control his money , I tried giving so much a day ! pathetic I know , but you search for so many ways to help them ,all my friends that know him , say he`s such a polite loveable lad and he is ! he seems to think it`s ok for his dad to work 12 hour shifts and he cant be bothered to go and sign on ! he also steals from us, I check his pockets :((( he spits his dummy out if things don`t go his way ,I had to get in my car yesterday and drive away from him leaving him stood outside our back door raising his voice and moaning about how much he is sick of his life , it is so embarrassing... he was living @ home , his mood swings in the mornings were horrible , he started drinking white cider and ended up urinating in his bedroom , it came through our living room ceiling and tried to convince myself and my husband we had a burst pipe somewhere because it didn't smell ! until he did it a second time and didn`t remember a thing . we paid a bond for him to move into a static caravan on a lovely site quite close to us , we bought him a tv , shopping, electric, gas ,he was over the moon at the time didn`t last long.. he knocks on the door telling us he`s ran out of gas or he hasn't eaten for days ! he`s lying because he comes home everyday and he eats here, but the mind games he plays ,he tells us he has an appointment for probation or jobseeekers and we use to give him his bus fare to go , obviously he didn`t go , then I started taking him to his appointments to make sure he went , but there comes a time when your help isn't helping , I know that and have for a long time , but you keep trying , how can you love your child so much that you hate what he`s doing to you as a family and himself and the stress he`s causing his nana who adores him but he is destroying her too & she`s quite a strong lady ,stronger than me his mum , ive tried the loving mum way ! the cruel to be kind mum way ! the helpful mum way ! the determined " I will make my sons life better " mum way... but I can`t do it for him he`s got to want it I know . ive been up to his bank this morning ( I keep his card because he has borrowed money from us , with the promise he WILL pay it back !!! lost count how much ) no money gone in ,he has missed an appointment somewhere , but his mail doesn't come here anymore so I cant double check them with him ! so I went down gave him some shopping I had already bought him ( which was suppose to come out of his money ) told him there was no money gone in ( which he probably already knew wasn't going in ) he was ranting he had an appointment with his probation officer I told him not to come up home asking for money that his destiny is in his own hands, if he didn't go he was on his last chance they would lock him up , and I am @ that stage and I have told him I hope they do lock you up because its the only time my stomach is not in knots worrying about him and worrying about the stress he causes us and his 78 year old nana ... I have looked on line about a restraining order against my own son , I feel destroyed inside , but I can`t take anymore confrontations with him I never give in to him , he did come up and I I ignored the knocks , I feel like I am a horrible mum he always knocks really gently on the doors , but then when I let him in the dummy flies out ! but I find myself crying everyday not in front of him though , I am having bad thoughts about how I can end my life !!! but I have two other kids one of which is only 13 , I cant leave him and that's the only thing that is keeping my hanging on , ive been to the doctors she says im not depressed just very stressed ! I feel for all parents going through this... take care each and everyone x

Evelyn - posted on 11/07/2013

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my son stard using drug on and of since he was 17 stard with mariguane and now is 29 we was married for 7 year I told that we wasout of drug but it wasnt he change the drug for pill and get divirse last year. Now lost his marriege and daughter because his drug addition. Hi was very depress and stard a relation with a girld who is also a drug user and now my son use heroin with her. Please HELP me I dont want to lostmy son.how can I help him get free of drug

Dave - posted on 10/27/2013

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Jana--- I apologize for the delayed response but am just returning to the site, I want to help that's why I urge all of you to contact me direct through my website RealTalkAddiction.com I personally get the emails and personally respond. It sounds like you know what is needed. There are several options to get him into treatment with affordable, low, to NO Cost. Now, one must be open minded to the possibility of Hospital based or Christian based treatment for the lower to No Cost options but they still offer the care NEEDED to get clean and on the road to recovery. That's all Rehab can do, I'm a firm believer in longer term "after care". I hope to hear from you and look forward to helping!

I will help anyone that wants/needs it PLEASE just go to RealTalkAddiction.com !! To those who are unable to, please stay positive and reach out to someone that's been there.

CAROL - posted on 10/24/2013

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I have a 25 year old addict who could be anything he wanted He chose drugs. I am helpless and now he is in trouble and probably will be in jail. I am lost. I feel helpless. We asked him to move out in may because he was stealing from us all and buying drugs but won't admit it. We tried rehab but he did not take it seriously. Now we get calls from the police every other day because they think we are hiding him and he is not here. At our wits and don't know what to do. My counselor said he will hit bottom, but he just keeps digging a deeper hole for himself. Lost all his friends and girlfriend of 7 years. At a loss......

Jana - posted on 09/28/2013

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Hi Dave,

My heart is hurting and tears are rolling after reading your post. I need help and feel like I don't have anywhere to turn. My son 24yrs has a severe opiates/heroin addiction, we have tried everything that we can possibly do as far as treatments, we never really knew about this kind of drug until May 2011 my son had a terrible car accident then his dad and I realized how bad his addiction was, he walked away from his accident with just cuts & bruises. But his addiction came out, we felt helpless (even worse now) he need pain meds when he left the hospital with a prescription of 50 hydros and they were gone in two day or less we knew. Since then it has gotten worse as far as us (parents) enabling he to continue, he now is using it intervenes. We have beg him to please get help go to a rehab, he did treatments at methadone clinic but I just feel like that made it worse you just trade one thing for another. He wasn't living with us at the time, but he is now. He has lost his girl friend of 4 yrs all of his friends and is now back to using, I have found needles,spoons,cotton balls in his room. His father is in denial I can't talk to him he thinks he is getting better, my husband believes everything my son tells us but honeslty I see it all to well. The writing on the wall is basically we are KILLING him... I can't express how this has affected our family dragged us down, I have two beautiful daughters 15 & 28 yr old. Is basically tearing our family apart, I can't begin to tell you over the last two years the toll it has on our family. Please Please help me, were do I start? how can I afford to do a rehab?

jm

Dave - posted on 09/20/2013

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Hey everyone, its been a while since I've posted anything. I agree with exactly what you are all saying. For years, I made my Mom and Dad cry, beg, and scream at me to get help. When you are in that state you ARE NOT capable of getting yourself help. You may attempt, as I did several times. Maybe thinking suboxone is the answer but unless you get professional help and are on a strict/disciplined regimen it is nothing more than replacing one with the other. Now a lot of people may dispute the following but as an addict for several years sometimes its a needed crutch to get out of the horrible and start working your way to recovery, but by no means is it a solution. The only way I believe individuals get clean, from opiates/heroin/xanax especially, is by going into a detox treatment center/rehab. Addicts need to be stripped of this "comfort"/"security blanket" they have, a pill, needle, etc. I believe it needs to be forcefully taken away (sometimes) but in an atmosphere where they feel safe, where they are not being judged, where there are others like them. Why? Because if they get this "security blanket" taken away while there still in public, even if its in the care of there family, they still feel different/weird, etc. When you are coming off of these drugs your brain is just beginning to feel pain/sadness/anger without this haze for the first time in Many YEARS. You don't even realize how much your feelings have been dulled, by addiction. It is scary. You are raw. In this state if you are around anyone, except those who have been there or are currently there, you can feel like there is something seriously wrong with you mentally. All drugs, especially opiates and xanax, take away your worry, your sadness, make you feel like you are right, and are doing the right thing. When you start to realize that you were wrong that whole time and realize how bad you hurt your family, you DAD, your MOM. Its a pain you've never felt. Writing this is bringing tears to my eyes because I can remember this feeling. Its a feeling that I can never forget. Its a feeling that I don't want to forget because it keeps me from falling into any temptation of using. When you are at this state it is most beneficial and necessary to connect with others that can help you get through this. Don't get me wrong, I believe anyone who is going to get clean NEEDS to reach THIS FEELING but if they don't have the right support, THIS FEELING can drive them right back to use. In a good treatment center, this FEELING with be addressed and others that have been there can show you how to make amends, hold yourself accountable but don't obsess over the regrets. I can't stress enough that in the right treatment center they will teach you (your son/daughter) how to live with these feeling without using. It takes longer then 1 or 2 weeks. Sorry if I went of on a tangent but I am trying to keep it real. Please if you need anything, want any help with your son/daughter's addiction, go to my website I created RealTalkAddiction.com and fill out the form to the left. I WILL personally respond and help anyway I can. I now have some great resources that can help people in all situations. That's my goal now as a tribute to my parents strength in never giving up on ME, I am reaching out to all you MOM and DADS that need the opinion of someone that's been right where your son/daughter/brother/sister currently is. I know how to get out of the whole and want to show as many people as I can the route.

Thanks - Dave | RealTalkAddiction.com

Amanda - posted on 09/19/2013

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the only way i have learned to cope with the addiction of others (ex-spouse and children) is through taking myself to a self help group (the one i go to is alanon). it is the only place that i have found that has the tools i need to deal with such an insidious disease and lots of people that instantly understand. i cannot do anything about another's drug/alcohol abuse, but i can learn to cope by going to meetings and learning to focus on what i can control. this is the only resource i have found that also teaches me how to not stay part of the problem while loving them just as they are (not the disease that they have- because it affects everyone the same). meetings are everywhere all over the world (there were even some on a cruise i took!) and i cannot tell you the comfort it gives to not only have understanding and support, but also to be taught the tools to deal with the insanity addiction brings. being an example of the peace that recovery brings is also the greatest influence i can hope to have. so sorry you have to deal with this too, but there is hope

Dawn - posted on 09/18/2013

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I have a son 36yrs old and has the same problem in and out of jail and no signs of change . I wish that we could get some help

Carol - posted on 09/16/2013

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My daughter has a history of drug abuse. She has been in numerous treatment programs, but none have helped her long term. She is now addicted to prescription drugs and was arrested for fraudulent check writing and theft. She was put on probation and ordered to pay restitution. Recently, I realized she started back on the drugs. When we questioned her, she packed her suitcase and left during the night abandoning her 8 year old son. I worry about her son and am trying to help him as he misses his mom and our hearts are broken. Don't know what to do.

Syreeta - posted on 09/12/2013

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Well as a recovering addict myself and the wife of a recovering addict, I can tell you a few things that I have learned throughout my journey. First and foremost, you never want to discourage an addict. Do not put them down and tell them how horrible they are for all the pain they have caused. This just makes them feel bad and it triggers them to keep on using. They don't need to feel worse they need support so that they can begin to feel better. Even if they have been clean for a week someone can do or say something to them to make them feel bad and they run back to what comforts them in times of stress which is their particular drug of choice. So never discourage an addict! Secondly, ENCOURAGE an addict. Let them know that you are there for them if they need you. You may need to give them money, feed them, talk to them here them out. But don't judge them! Point out the fact that you know they are disappointed for all the problems that the drug use has caused BUT that you believe in them and know that they can get past that point and be healthy again! As they see they have people who believe in them they will start to feel encouraged. Ultimately, they need to realize that the drug is stronger then they are and that the drug/addiction controls them. BUT also that there is a power stronger than them and stronger than that drug addiction that can and will control the addiction. This relieves them of a huge burden and lets them know that the addiction is beatable. There is a force stronger than any addiction. It is the force of life and God. They need to believe and realize this. You can see it just by looking out the window. When the trees blow in the wind. That force of God and Life is stronger than any addiction. Let it take the addiction/burden away. The force of Life and God is more than capable! In the end they will be an even better person because it will help them to find an inner peace and serenity that most people crave to know. Good luck. Stay Strong! Cheers!

Monique - posted on 09/11/2013

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What I need to know is this for just us and not every body else to see or read because Im trying for my family not to know to much

Cynthia - posted on 09/11/2013

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Hello El. My heart goes out to you.I could imagine how difficult that can be.Being so far away from him.It gets so overwhelming at times,but a mother's love never cease.we as mothers just have that natural instinct to protect and care for our children.I pray for your peace thst knowing you have tried everything to help him but most of all they have to want to help himself.If you see or hear from him let him know that you love him and important. he is to you and how much you worry when. he doesn't keep in touch with you.Hang ln there...

EL - posted on 09/10/2013

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New here, my addicted son is 33, he has been in and out rehabs. We have paid for many ixford home and halfway homes, bedding, clothes. He is homeless. We are 1200 hundred miles away. His sisters will not take him in, they have families. No one has heard from him. I want to go home, to find him, if he is alive. Please give me your words of advice.

Susan - posted on 09/10/2013

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Hi. Could also use support. My 22 year old had repressed memories of abuse at age 5. Started on Adderall and C-4, then went to spice and ecstasy--which are hallucinogens. This has gone on 3 years with a few times in rehab. He has become paranoid and has no attention span or ability for any stress. They now have put him on meds, but he goes off cold turkey and uses.

Dad is in total denial. Says he is mentally ill. He actually picked him up from his doctors when he relapsed and wanted to go back to rehab, and took him to a psych unit. He brought him back from rehab where they had recommended sober living, let him live in his old townhouse, gave him car, golf membership, gym, restaurant dinners each nite, and registered him for classes.

He just used and went to the hospital to detox. The people there know he is an addict,but Dad writes the checks. My son plays us both--dad for money, etc, I have boundaries, but its almost like he is angry at me because I say NO>

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