how do I stop my twenty year old from ruining her life

Karen - posted on 01/24/2013

good question, my 20 year old step- daughter is pregnant, not married, and works part time.
she calls almost daily needing money. my husband is choosing to not deal with it and hopes she will put the baby up for adoption.

Janet - posted on 01/23/2013

My son is 19 and doing drugs and stealing from his grandparents and from my boyfriend like guns pills and money what do i do

Christine - posted on 08/29/2012

I could understand where you are coming from. There more thing going on with her and her boyfriend he steals from people and I think she might be involve in it too. Its sad to see that her boyfriend is showing her how to due this thing.



Her grandmother called me crying and was very up sit they took some of her jewelry and sold or pawned it. My mom had that jewelry for a long time.



I'm going to confront her about it maybe she is doing drugs or helping her boyfriend drug habit I tried of her using people that love her. I don't want to see her in jail or in bigger trouble or see her killed because of him.



What I so pose to due. Let her do it and don't say any thing. I also don't want to lose her in my life. She means everything to me. She is book smart but she is letting him control her and she doesn't realize what is going on. The family missis her who she was we want her back in are lives.

Bobbie - posted on 08/29/2012

I wish it were easier. I suspect that she gets a kick out of being with him even more because you don't like him. It gives them a glance into the forbidden kind of love that is romantic. My suggestion, though I can't say it will work, is to not mention him at all. Have your only concern be her responsibilities. And, lets face it, her not living up to her responsibilities is all on her regardless of who she is seeing. It must be difficult seeing Logan not having a responsible mother. I can't imagine how that pulls on the heart strings. My sister was in the same boat thought her daughter was much younger. I had to convince her to follow my untried advice but it worked. She told her daughter what she expected going forward and said she needed to step up. Then my sister did the very minimum for care of her grandson. When his mom didn't come home she put him to bed in his dirty clothes, dirty face and all. (of course the diaper was checked before laying him down). She left his high chair dirty for the next meal when she knew is mother would be feeding him. What this did was shock her daughter into action. She tried to yell at her mother and say what kind of grandmother are you?! " Hey, I am doing the best I can, isn't that what you say to me?" My sister also planned and ensured that her daughter used sitters for the weekends. She wouldn't go straight home from work on Fridays and always did fun things for herself like meet someone for dinner, go to the mall or just hang out with friends for as long as she pleased. She didn't call home and when her daughter tried to reach her she would tell her daughter via text that she wasn't planning on coming home. Of course the daughter tried once to drag her son around with her on dates and hanging out but her friends all told her she was crazy and she had to head back home with him. After setting her straight my sister started to do too much again and quickly my niece went right back to her old habits. My sister had to learn to stand back and let her daughter parent her child. It isn't always easy to watch someone do things their own way, but it is the only way they can grow as a mom.

Christine - posted on 08/26/2012

I have a daughter she 20 years old she doesn't live with me but I due have problems with her and her boyfriend.. I never had any problems with her when she was in High School, when she meet her boyfriend every thing had change.



Her boyfriend is in drugs and has bad influence on her, she change a lot I don't even know my own daughter anymore. He keeps her away from her family and he turned her away from her step dad.



I'm scared to get a phone call telling me she is not round any more. She won't lesson what I have to say she just walk way and tells me what ever.



I don't know what to due. I want her away from this guy and keep going to school and make a life for her self. And find someone that will love her and respect her and love her also will love her family and also works.



People had told me that you have to let her finger it out I just want to tell her snap out of it and look at your self and love her self again. I love her with all my heart and soul. I need someone to tell what to due before its to late.

Teresa - posted on 08/14/2009

yes this is a hard thing.. like others have said make sure your grandson is safe.. tuff love is a hard thing.. but sometime the only thing.. praying for you and your family

Sarah Angie - posted on 08/14/2009

Hi Melinda, I raised my daughter the best that I could and at 21 she started using drugs and leaving her babies with anyone that would keep them, I finally had to take both of the children from her, the baby was 7months old and the girl was 2, luckily I have raised him to be a very responsible 10 yr old this july(I adopted him) and she realized she did the best thing by signing away her paternal rights, the little girl is 12 now and is with the fathers'(different fathers)Parents, she is 32 now and finally grew up and has a very good job and lives away from bad influences, I still let her keep in contact, and it is hard when they don't listen and learn that it is a hard world out there, but you as a grandparent need to try to just listen and offer advise, and if that don't work , that baby needs to come first ,I had to go thru the local DSS about the children, so if you need to get custody, you may need to the same thing, wishing you all the best and good luck( this is Dawson the 10 yr old in the picture, and he plays the violin and is a straight A student at school, he is my world along with 3 other grandchildren )So you will just have to have a strong heart for her and tell her that you love her but that baby can't take care of him/herself and you will have to take other steps if she does not straighten up, and believe me , I think there is something you could do, that is your right as the baby's grandparent , she will have to make her mistakes and hopefully she will learn in the process. Good Luck

Debbie - posted on 08/12/2009

you need to let her make her own mistakes, no matter how hard it is to sit back and watch, some ay she's gonna need your shoulder to cry on and your support,, be strong..

Liz - posted on 08/12/2009

All you can do is offer advice, she is going to do what ever she wants. If she lives with you, enforce a curfew. Its your home. and if she has your grandchild out at all hours of the night, contact your local Family Court to see what can be done about it. Let her know that you are going to report her.

Dori - posted on 08/12/2009

I stopped being vocal about my disdain for my daughters choice the day our granddaughter was born. Until either he or I die we are stuck with one another. So I decided to put my love for our granddaughter ahead of my serious dislike, anger & bitterness for this person. Having said that, if you feel Logan is being put in a situation or situations that are unhealthy or dangerous you have have a moral obligation to seek help, be it through DCF or private attorney. You best be sure before you do that you are prepared to step up to the plate and be both grandparents and parents to this child until mommy grows up and gets her priorities straight! Until she does, she is your daughter and when she is in trouble I believe it is our job as parents to love them twice as much (especially when they are doing wrong!) and NEVER turn our backs on them! No one ever said it would be easy no matter what age they were! Remember she is only 20! We buy a new washer and it comes with a DVD and a 400 page manual, we have a baby and we get an ugly diaper bag and not so much as a pamphlet! Stop being so vocal about Mr. Wrong and you might be surprised how quickly she loses interest! Good Luck and God Bless

Angela - posted on 08/12/2009

Hi Melinda

I am new to this group but I read your post. My Son is 21 and has been with a girl for two years that in my opinoin is horrible for want of a better word. In my experience the more I dissaprove the closer they seem to get, so now I have no comment when he shares things with me that make me feel totally mad, I think by doing this instead of venting my opinion to him he is actually begining to see what I have seen from the start. I honestly belive now that there comes a time when we have to let go and let them learn from there own experiences, be there to catch them when they fall, listen and say very little. Just make sure the little one is safe and cared for. She will come back to you.

Sohanna - posted on 08/12/2009

At this age anything we say or we do, believe me they will not listen and turn .a blind eyes to you.I had been there with my first daughter and its really heartbreaking to watch her turn into something that you never expect.It will take you lots of patience,lots of love and lots of courage to really make her realised how much that we want her to be a better person.Don't easily give up on her.You need to keep reminding her who she is and why you are doing this and i know that its not going to be that easy.I hope that as she grows older that she might come to realise how much you had done for her.If she insist on doing her own way the best thing to do is let her have her ways and tell her that you had done your part as a mother and its time for her to do her part as a parents to her child and get her to move out .sometimes experience makes peoples grow up.Its not going to be easy but theres a time when we really need to make a decision eventhough its going to break our heart.As for me I thank God that she came back and she is happily married with one kid.She is 26 yrs old now.

Renee - posted on 08/11/2009

You can't stop her the more you fight it the more she'll fight against you. I'm going trhough this with my 19 yr old. She left home soon after turning 18, she was a senior in high school still. She was an "adult" in her eyes and she could make her own decisions. I fought it for months, she did come home for awhile, went back to school but did not want to adhere to house rules. She left home again 6 weeks before graduation. She is with a boy I don't approve of but only because they argue and have trust issues with each other. They are both immature and I let her know this but I don't stop her from seeing him. She has to learn this on her own. But I am there for her, when she needs me and I let her know that I will not support her nor him. She is homebased out of my sisters house but does stay with him or friends sometimes. I do not have to worry about a grandchild yet as you do and he should be your top priority, she can fend for herself but he can't. I just learned I can't stress myself out trying to keep my daughter on the srtaight path, they have to learn from thier choices and mistakes. Just let her know you love her, let her know how you feel but also let her grow and learn from her decisions and let her know you will always be there for her. Don't give in either though, it's hard believe me I know, but sometimes tough love is the best thing. Just when you think you will never get through then wham you see a small spark of hope. That's all it takes, and things will start to fall in place, might be slow but it'll happen. Have faith, hope, love, patience and God and it'll work out. Peace be with you.

Amy - posted on 08/10/2009

I told my oldest, I can tell you everything that will happen and everything you need to know, but I didn't listen either, if you need me I will be here for you! You only need to be there for Logan, because he can't help the situation. By the way I was here for her, she almost died and I guess you could say I saved her!! She moved back out and I know she loves me and I love her. Sometimes, unfortunately, they have to make their own mistakes. I did and I turned out just fine. I hope this helps!

Roxie - posted on 08/10/2009

I know it's tough to see your daughter "ruining" her life, but, from my experience with my boys the more you say no the more they do it anyway. I say let her learn from her mistakes so long as no one ( your grandson) gets hurt. There comes a time when you just have to put your foot down and say enough is enough but that usually doesn't work until they realize they are wrong. hope things get better soon. Be strong.

Brenda - posted on 08/10/2009

There are no ways to stop them from ruining their lives. All you can do is be there when they need you. BUT do not enable them. Set boundaries for how and when you will help them. My oldest thought he knew what was best for himself, so much more so that when he moved out to live with friends, within 3 months he ended up in jail. NO we did not bail him out, he had to learn his lesson the hard way. Sometimes even now e don;t think he has quite learned, but he is doing beter and has a good job now. Children don't come with owners manuels or how to handle guides and also NO RETURN POLICY! We got to be a loving parent and just set those boundaries whether it hurts them, you or both. In the end they will one day thank you.

Kathy - posted on 08/10/2009

Quoting fiona:

Well the old way is the best way, invite this beneath her guy into your home and make him part of the family. If you can't beat em join em. The more you push the further she'll go. Good Luck

I am a firm believer of "keep your friends close and your enemies even closer".  Welcome him! Let him see for himself how she 'keeps home' and raises a child.  When he needs dinner, a beer,whatever, make her get it.  Won't be long before he's out with his friends and she's at home with mom and baby!  I'm not sure the novelty will last.  That said, if we all knew the right thing to do, there would be no problems like this.  Kids are all different and none of them come with user manuals.  You are in my prayers.

Cindy - posted on 08/09/2009

hi melinda, my name is cindy. your daughter & my daughter seem like they have alot in common. the only thing that is different, is that i don't have any grandkids. NOT YET! mine has a loser boyfriend too. but the more i try to help her, the less she listends to me. if you find any solutions, i would appreciate it, if you would let me know. HANG IN THERE!

Sharon - posted on 08/09/2009

Quoting Denise:

No one is beneath anyone, only different. Right for your daughter? Perhaps not, but that is a choice we all have to make for ourselves. Make sure the little one is safe...and pray...

Ooooo, I relate to this and I'm afraid I have to emphatically disagree.  My older daughter got involved with a man who was a drug-user, an ex-con felon, and who refused to get his GED or Adult high school diploma.  He worked under the table as a "handyman" and also lied his way into a fat "disability" for a faked mental health claim.  He was a thief and physically abused both my grandchildren and my daughter.  I told my daughter repeatedly that she needed to be very careful and act for the best interests of her children.  After the last time he hit her, she finally stood up to him and threw him out with the help of her landlord, her boss and at least one church pastor.  Sorry, he wasn't just "different"; he was beneath both my daughter and my contempt.  I had stayed in contact with my grandchildren through various means, and through other friends and relatives had indirectly stayed in contact with her;  I refused to give up on her, though I wasn't in direct contact.  Unfortunately, she was a hardhead and needed to learn the hard way, but she was never really alone.  I keep a quote from Winston Churchill in my head when faced with helping my adult children handle hard "adult" problems: "Never, never, never give up."

Helen - posted on 08/09/2009

Lori you are right on with what you said as I told my daughter the same thing your Dad and Mom told you. She still did not listen so I made her move into her own place. It did not take her long to figure out that no man was going to help her and that she was the only one doing it by herself after that she did do better. Hard lessons are learned faster and sticker quicker for these girls. They think that they need a man to validated who they are and they do not.

Helen - posted on 08/09/2009

I went through the same thing with my daughter. It was a hard thing to do so I do not want you to think it was easy but I told her one day that she needed to move and see how life on her own is. She moved and it was heartbreaking but she learned. She came back with she was sorry and she would do better but I stuck to my guns and she is married now with 4 kids total. They seem to think they know everything and they no nothing until they experience it. Hope I have helped you. If I acted like my daughter did when growing up my Dad would have tanned my hide and that would have been that. But I knew better than go that far. I raised my children by myself so it was me or nothing. Be strong Melinda.

Judy - posted on 08/09/2009

It's natural to want to stop them from ruining their lives but that's like trying to stop a train by putting your car in the way. I know how frustrating and painful it is to sit by helplessly, after all she's legally an adult. Been there, still there and selling the T-shirts! I just concentrate on my grandchildren. Protect your grandchild first. She probably won't stop until she hits the bottom. Then put the "I told you so" aside and be mom. Even then..don't fix all her problems, let her find her way, give advice when she asks and remember that it's only advice and it doesn't mean she's going to follow it. Whatever the consequeences she's got to face them.

Debbie - posted on 08/09/2009

I have kind of the same problem with my 18yo grand-daughter, she was seeing a guy who was just an absolute idiot, she couldnt see it, although her friends and family did. It took a year, but she finally did see it and let go of him. I learned thru that experience that the more I complained and nagged and ranted, the more she would turn me off. (She was 17 at the time). When I backed off, although it took awhile, she was able to see what everyone else was in regards to this guy and dumped him herself. It was very hard to sit back and watch her make the mistakes she did, but it worked out in the end. Your situation is more difficult that she has a child involved. Let her live her life and pray she realizes like my grand did, and concentrate yer attention on your grandchild, who needs you right now. Good luck to you. God Bless!

Chrissy - posted on 08/09/2009

I agree with the rest ... take care of your grandchild and let her go off on her own. Either she will find out how hard it is on her own and come back ready to staighten up or she will do things the hard way. Either way your granchild needs care. Believe me ... they know that you have unconditional love for them and will use it to get their way.

Teal - posted on 08/09/2009

The more you protest about this guy, the more she is going to "run" to him. She is still in school at 20? Hopefully this is college and you are not the one paying for it. If you are, you need to stop paying for it if she is skipping. Let her pay for it herself. Take the house key away from her, lock the door at a decent hour(your choice) You cannot force her to follow your rules unless you enforce them. Tough love is sometimes tougher on the parents, but well worth it in the long run.

Faye - posted on 08/09/2009

give her some ultimadums and follow thru with them

April Patricia - posted on 08/09/2009

Tell her to talk to me and come see what I was left with at 45 years old and a whole life of hard work down the drain! I was constantly starting over and over again with that sort of man and it drained me. Now I realize how valuble I really am and that i deserve to be treat well, with respect and cared about because I am special. Attention doesn't have to come from a man just to make you feel special.

Leota - posted on 08/09/2009

but the grandkids keep hurt on the way of them falling .I hope my grandkids get taking away fromSo she can fall on her ass

Shannon - posted on 08/09/2009

i understand where you're coming from. but i have learned the hard way. we as parents has to let our children hit rock bottom. the more we say things to them, the more they will go the other way. so we as parents has to take a step back and let them go. if they fall let them fall. its hard to do. but thats what i have had to do. good luck. trust in god and i promise god will bring your daughter and your family to a good finish line.

Lisa - posted on 08/08/2009

Everyone is telling you about the same thing... It is her life and no matter how much you may not like her choices, they are her choices. I will tell you what my Dad and Mom told me @ the age of 18 when I told them that I was pregnant for the 1st time.... they sat me down and said "this is your child, your decision to keep the baby is yours and yours alone, we will support you the best way we can with love and understanding, but that's it! We raised our children and as much as we will love this baby and want to be there for you and the baby, we are not going to raise another family" That was one of the hardest things for me to hear... that meant that everything I did, I had to do for my child and me, they didn't help me with anything except a roof over my head. I was expected to work, pay the day care, put the food on the table for the baby and me and pay them rent.... now granted this was almost 30 years ago, but it's all the same thing... give her boundaries, tell her she must find a job to pay you rent, help with the bills, food and pay for daycare, diapers and that she must take the responsibility of raising her child just like you did when she was born. You will be there to pick her up if she falls, and she will fall! But once you set these rules all you can do is pray that everything you raised her to be will come out and she will become the mom you know she can be! :-)

Elizabeth - posted on 08/08/2009

Let me know if you find the answer! Have you considered telling her she can't live at home as long as she is still with him; or at the very least she can't live at home if she is going to lie to you? Lying to you makes me wonder about her maturity level (or is it a defensive response because she knows you don't approve?). Good luck!

Barbara Hall - posted on 08/08/2009

You can't make her do anything, Just keep telling her you love her and want the best for her. Sometimes, kids have to learn the hard way! Some are slow learners. Be there for the little one-take custody if you have to! Tough love at anyage child works the best! Love her but do not enable her.

Claire - posted on 08/08/2009

Hi, I know how you must be feeling as my daughter was in a relationship with a boy who our family disapproved of. She was only 16 at the time and this boy was jealous, possessive, abusive and violent towards her. They were madly in 'love' and spent all their waking hours together. I didn't know what to do for the best and although it was difficult by not passing comment at all, I knew that if I said anything bad about him it would push her closer to him. Luckily their relationship lasted 18 months or so and has now ended. The most difficult thing is to sit back and watch them make mistakes. We hoped that eventually she would come to her senses and realise what he was really like, I hope your daughter realises soon what her boyfriend is like too.

Kim - posted on 08/08/2009

is your daughter depressed? it sounds like it maybe she needs some meds or other help. I know depression because I had it.

Kim - posted on 08/08/2009

you don't stop a twenty year old from ruining her life, she has to find out for herself what life is about all you can do is pray and let her fall on her face. she will come to her senses sooner or later. it's VERY HARD to watch but that is the only thing you can do.

If you are raising her son do your best to raise him the way he should be raised and do not say anything dorogatory about her infront of him. she is his blood and he will respect you for the positive comments

Marie - posted on 08/08/2009

Melinda, sometimes I learn the most from my daughter. She is involved in a 12 step program, and she would probably tell you to have some tuff love with your daughter. My daughter is not perfect either, she did the parting and staying out late, dropped her first born off with me, but she grew out of it, but not before she had some hard knocks. I did not do this for her, she had to make the mistakes on her own. And I had to stand back and let her make them. It was a a hard growing period for both her and me. Have you tried a support group like Alanone?

Mary Beth - posted on 08/08/2009

Sometimes tough love is what they need in order to grow up. You have to get over the fact that she might fall on her face and IT"S NOT YOUR FAULT!

Leota - posted on 08/08/2009

My daughter is 27 and I'm she took my grandkids (7-1 1/2)both girls so I can not see them.the 7 year old dad let me see her and the one half is know turn around and know letting us see her .C,P,C was out and they did care.in michigan if your not selling you self they dont care.Know the 1 1/2 year old dad call and ask us if we would help him get her from my daughter.it funny because when I help the dad of my 7 year old get .He call me a bich now that my 1 1/12 year old is in troulbe , he want my help ..So good luck .I not giving up my daughter dose not need this kids right know till she stop partying.

Laurie - posted on 08/07/2009

The only thing you can really do is rather than argue with her or tell her that you hate the guy she is seeing, is to continually let her know that you love her, and will always be there for her. I have two children, a daughter 29, and a son 28. I have learned that if you tell her that you are against the guy she likes, that will only keep her seeing him that much longer. You need to hide your disgust for him, bite your tongue, and be pleasant if she brings him home with her. If that doesn't work (it will take time), you may have to practice hard love, and make her get her own place. Once she sees how hard it is out on her own, and matures more, believe it or not, she will see things differently. She may even do like my daughter did after I had to do that with her. About 5 years later she called me one day and thanked me for making her do things on her own.

Fay - posted on 08/07/2009

God help us....the old age question how 2 get them 2 listen the more u tell her not to the more she will maybe ignore d matter & hope she realises things for her self......Just take care off ur grandson & hope she wake up 2 herself....good luck....

Jeri - posted on 08/07/2009

Love her all you can, know you did the best you could do raising her but above all don't let her make you co-dependent on her lifestyle. Once she had Logan, she is no longer allowed to put herself first. She either needs to put Logan first or allow you to do so (if that is an option).

Christine - posted on 08/07/2009

I truly understand what you are going thru. I have a 22 year old son that was doing drugs, stealing from me, lying. The hardest thing that I could do was to kick him out of the house. That was also the best thing that I could have done. He is now getting his life together and doing much better. Tough love... that is what it is all about.

Antoinette - posted on 08/07/2009

I Know that is a very difficult thing to do, BUT My Daughter is now 27 will be 28 in dec. and she has stayed with me several times and several times I had to thow her out BUT My Daughter Also has been dignosed with personaity disorder among other things BUT Can Survive on a SS Check and Won' take medication for any of her disorders She don't believe in pills or drugs. But Getting Back 2 U It's Called Tough Love and UHave 2 Lay Down the rule or lock her out and if she refuses to leave the sad part might be U need to call the police when she creates issue so she willl have to leave then go to post office and put only mail u R to recieve is name everyone in your house hould except the 20 year old and have them hold his mail and when mail oes come there write return to sender unknown person or moved but if worse comes to worse and every state is different BUT U Might have 2 Evict the 20 year old, U Can't stop them, the more u disagree the closer they will do the opposite TRUST ME then will turn on U and Make U Look Like The Bad Parent I Went Thru That With My Daughter, and It Is Like banging your head against the wall U need to do what ever it is to get her away from the situation, Let Me sk U Do U babysit the child or does the 20 year old live @ Home?

Alanna - posted on 08/07/2009

As hard as it is, she needs to make her own choices. She will learn from her mistakes. Trust me I know what I am talking about. as for her two year old son, unless he is being abused or neglected, then you can't really interfere.

It will get better

Sherry - posted on 08/07/2009

pray for them

Bernadette - posted on 08/07/2009

Sharon, I suggest that you start your own conversation, and allow others to respond. There are probably mothers w/ the same types of problems, that can offer some good advice. I haven't had this problem w/ my children, but I have had this problem w/ family members. This kind of problem can totally drain you.

Sharon Swann - posted on 08/07/2009

I feel your pain. My son is 20 and has given us all kinds of heart ace. Drugs, Drugs and more Drugs, Stealing money right out of our pockets, and lieing to us all the time. He cant understand why we lock our closet door now so he cant get to anything valuable. I am also ready to be done with him. You need to make sure that 2 yr old is taken care of. The daughter needs to know the child is your priorty now.

Tracey - posted on 08/07/2009

I needed to hear this. Thank you.

Christine - posted on 08/07/2009

The only thing that you can do is offer advice. She will only except it if it is what she wants. The decision will be up to her. But be there for your grandchild, he needs to know that you are there for him and that he has a stable person to look up to.

Saffron - posted on 08/07/2009

She is 20 years and being that she has a child already she needs a little tough love maybe. The more you "hate" him the more she is more likely to want to be with him. Turn the tables and try to get to know him, invite him to dinner, ask her how he is etc. Depending on how he is "beneath" her, try to be interested....you never know.