How do you deal with a defiant teenager?

Lisa - posted on 01/25/2013

I have 2 teenage daughters, and have been through a lot with my oldest who is now 18. We almost lost her in a car accident 3 months aga, and we all have a different perspective on life. As long as she keeps doing well in school, you are very fortunate. My advice is also to not sweat the small stuff. Trust me, in a couple of years you will be lucky if her not doing her chores is the worst problem you have. Just be consistent, and make her suffer appropriate consequences when making mistakes. My oldest was absolutely unruly, and believe me I was always worried about her safety. I also realize that they have to unfortunately learn from their own mistakes; and 99% of the time they grow out of this phase (so I'm told). Just make sure she knows how much you love her........my daughter says she never knew until after her accident. We were always so angry at her for her mistakes and defiant behaviour. When we almost lost her in the acciden, we were all devastated. Because of this, I never take life for granted, and continue to tell her how much I love her everyday. As my mom says, this too shall pass!

Chaya - posted on 07/05/2012

I go on strike if my daughter doesn't do her chores. If she can't mate the socks or whatever the chore is, for three days, I just tell her if she doesn't do her chores, I don't have to do mine, making dinner most of the time. It usually works. It doesn't when her dad is around,he's gourmet material, he doesn't respect my rules

Ana - posted on 07/05/2012

Looking for the same answer. I have a 14 year old boy, who has escalated his attitude to now desrespect and not only I'm hurt because he get everything he wants (could be my number one mistake) but also very disapointed.
He also has a girlfriend, which I have my rules what I consider at 14 - I am very old fashion but at their age, it's not that serious. That has taken over...

He becomes anger when I begin telling him no to something and that goes up to the next level. Yes, taking his phone, computer, friends work for the time being but then we go back to point zero and I'm getting frustrated.

Jean - posted on 10/12/2009

well i have the same problem i put clothes and anything else i find on the floor in a trash bag and put it in the garage i wouldnt let her on the computer at all untill chores are done tell her she cant go out on the weekends or have friends over untillit is done

Monet - posted on 10/12/2009

I am a 44 year old single mom of 1, now adult boy. He was an Eagle Scout at 14 and could do everything that he put his mind to, but in school I could not get him to turn in his homework. During his Freshman year I finally blew a gasket about the home work, he would wait till the last minute to due it, so I yelled and made him mad. He went down stairs and finished to book report in about 10 minutes and he got the best grade that he ever got on a report. After he saw the grade he would tell me that I needed to make him mad before he wrote any report so that he would get better grades, that worked, but only when he remembered to turn it in. You just have to go with the flow during the teen years, it does get better. He is now married to a wonderful girl and in the MI National Guard, during 2008 he spent the whole year in Kuwait. It does get better. When he wouldn't pick up his cloths, I made him due all the laundry (at 13), if he didn't have cloths it was his own fault. Any dishes that didn't make it back to the kitchen to go in the dishwasher he had to wash himself, but I wish that I would have thought of the giving him his own set of dishes, that is a good one. Just keep a stiff upper lip, it does get better.

Shannon - posted on 10/12/2009

I agree with all the wonderful advice, but i have an almost 13 year old son, and it wouldn't bother him to wear dirty clothes everyday for a week! What do you do when they could care less?

Jacqueline - posted on 10/12/2009

i had the same problem so i did the jobs myself it saved all the arguing i even shut her bedroom door and let her live in a pig sty i am 48 and my daughter is now 25 and what a lovely girl she turned out to be she is now a primary school teacher and has just bought her first home with her partner the house is so clean and tidy so dont worry lifes to short she will grow up and take responsability it will just take time

Fran - posted on 10/12/2009

Its been years since I had a teenager in the house. But when my daughter didn't put the clothes in the hamper ...they didn't get wash. As for the dishes. If they don't get in the washer they don't get wash. put the dirty one in from of her to eat off. See if she remembers. Taking thinks away doesn't' always work it didn't for me. When she get older a starts working a boss isn't going to ground or reward her. How would your boss handle it. prepare her for live. I still remember the show where Bill Cosby son felt his room was his. They took everything out and make him buy it back, He even had to pay for the food he eat. You being a single mom. has to be harder than use with a partner to help. If she can't help around ...then you won't have time to take her anywhere. because you are too busy doing her chores.

Barb - posted on 10/12/2009

michele i have two daughter. they are both the same way i think that teens are wire that way.they only get worse as they get older.i have one daughter who is going to college and she cant wait to move out and i cant wait till she see what the really world is like.she wants everything that is very high and expense for me but she will pay it.

Becky - posted on 10/12/2009

Hi I am closing in on 50 (yes a bit of denial there) and a mom of 3, ages 23, 15, and 14. I cannot second Genevieve's comments louder. She hit it right on the nose. Celebrate how wonderful your daughter is, she is bright, good at school, and yes a bit of a slob. In fact, my 14 year old daughter is the mirror image of this scenario. Extremely talented athlete, student, and role model who has a slobbish attitude and will do anything to get out of work at home even though she would never think of this appraoch out of the house in her personal or educational life.



I didn't know until 2 months ago, that my daughter really does understand how to do laundry and can cook for herself, an on a really good day she cleans up after herself. I gave up rewashing her clothes after I found them in the dirty laundry still folded, because it was faster to "clean" her room by throwing them back into the laundry then to put them away. I gave up cooking for her when I found a meal shoved in the garbage can with an ice cream container right on top of it. Now I don't buy those things and we share the responsibility of cooking meals.



But the important part is that she has embraced the responsibility. If she doesn't take care of herself she has no one to blame but herself. Her and I are just as close as before and the pressure is off of both of us. When the next thing rears its ugly head, we will attack it with transferring the responsibility.

Kristine - posted on 10/12/2009

I am a teacher of Emotinonally Disturbed Middle Schools students. They are Tweens with 10 times the issues and rebellion. I HIGHLY recommend using the Love and Logic system. You can buy the book, and there are seminars across the country, as well as web sites. They give you some specific tools for these situations, and all consewuences are logical and natural, and you never have to yell, just stick to your guns!

Sherry - posted on 10/11/2009

I really like your advice, it's called psychology!

Barbara - posted on 10/11/2009

I had the exact same issues with my daughter @ the same age, my mistake was not being firm enough and kept giving in to her when she would cry or pitch a fit. those are famous last words ...oh if only I had $1 for everytime I heard those words. I would be a gazillionaire. anyways DO NOT GIVE IN TO HER AT ANY COST, IF YOU TAKE SOMETHING AWAY KEEP IT UNTILL SHE STARTS DOING THE THINGS U WANT HER TO DO ON HER OWN. BELIEVE ME IT WAS A HARD LESSON FOR ME TO LEARN BECAUSE SHE WAS AN ONLY CHILD AND I AM A SOFTY.

B - posted on 10/10/2009

I AM THE MUM OF TWINS WHO JUST TURNED 14, AM SINGLE LIKE YOURSELF TOO...WHAT WORKS BEST FOR ME IS STAYING CALM...AND REMINDING THEM THAT I HOLD THE CAR KEYS AND THE WALLET....!!!!!

Janice - posted on 10/10/2009

Awww mom, she's only 13. As long as you are not giving in and doing her chores or picking up her clothes yourself, she'll get the message. The biggest thing is just administer your warning and do not get into a conversation with her about it. And warn to make it longer, if she says another word, rolls her eyes, stomps out the room, etc. My thing is using upcoming events. If she, for example, sasses a teacher, and she knows, I don't like that, then I will take an upcoming event away and I stick to it. You know if they stayed with you forever, doesn't matter, but I tell my daughter all the time. you will not hold a job or keep friends if you cannot follow directions. I believe this is where you get your drop outs, etc. We allow them to get away with not following directions.

Patricia - posted on 10/10/2009

If she doesn't take responsibility for the chores then she should do without.
Clothes=don't wash if not in hamper, at her age she should be learning to do her own.
If washed don't fold. She will get the idea when she want's to wear something and it's wrinkled.
Take away some privileges. Have her help you with some of the chores and by doing them together she won't feel like it's all on her. Also remember later on there is always tough love. Believe me it works. We had to practice it with 2 of ours and both turned out great. There are chapters in all towns.

Susie - posted on 10/09/2009

Have three adult children 2 daughters and 1 son and 7 younger ones. I agree with don't sweat the small stuff be proud of her and love her right in the middle of the teenage hormone surges, "Stay calm" very important... but, make sure she knows that you expect responsibility and that means when you say... Hard when you may not be there all the time so it may take a few times of reminding her that you control when and where and if she goes anywhere, money she has etc. She is an important team member when she is not responsible you suffer as well.

Mary - posted on 10/09/2009

if we didnt do our chores my dad and mom took stuff from us,and got in trouble.

Katherine - posted on 10/09/2009

love u have my sarah she does totally the same thing, these days things are difrent for teens they just dont care its no critic of u love i have to do the same as u remind her again and again only to get the I WILL with attitude and WIL DO IT LATER u are not alone it wil get better my older daughter is proof of that

Ellen - posted on 10/09/2009

It is quite difficult! I am a mother of 5 (4 living) with the ages of 27, 26, 23 and 6. 3 sons and 1 daughter (respectively). It seemed as those during the teenage years that my sons were continually pushing their limits and seeing if I meant business. Whenever I used activities over their heads (e.g., you can't go to baseball game if....), they would taunt me and state "I don't care, it's your money". However, when I finally became consistent and "calm" and let them know that we would go or do something whenever they were done with..., then things began to click. Sometimes, while children fight boundaries, they really want them! And, whenever something is done, even the smallest of tasks, make a big thing of it - you'd be surprised how much it will make a difference.

Michele - posted on 10/09/2009

Thanks, Genevieve. I guess I need to put things in perspective. I am somewhat neat and clean - always have been. I have been closing her bedroom door, but I get tired of hearing her wondering where her stuff is when it's under a pile of clothes.

Genevieve - posted on 10/09/2009

Hi, I am 50 and a mother of 6, one still in his teen years. I really agree with parenting expert Barbara Colorosa -

1) don't sweat the small stuff

2) if it aint immoral, illegal or life threating - don't worry - let them suffer the consequenses of their actions.

So with that in mind - dishes - assign her set of dishes - if she don't put them in the dishwasher - let them sit. Next meal time she will have to wash them by hand if she wants to eat.

clothes - let them lie where they may - when she runs out of clothes she will see they go in the hamper and if the mess really bothers you - close the door.

Celebrate your achievements - you have a 13 year old who is good in school and whose biggest rebellian is not doing chores - believe me it could be a lot worse.

Hope this helps.