How do you get rid of adult children?

Jennifer - posted on 08/13/2009 ( 112 moms have responded )

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22 yr old living at home agin GOD help me! How do you get rid of them????

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Tom - posted on 09/10/2013

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I have a 25 yr old step son who is currently living with us. I have two children of my own, 17 yr old son, and 16 yr old daughter. My wife and I have been together 10 years now and everything was great until she let him move in. It started out he was only going to stay a week, that turned into 2 weeks and it has been 2 months now. I am miserable. He does not have a job, no license, and he has 3 kids by two different women. My wife has to drive him all over town, when he does put in applications. I am the only one working in our household. The boy has been introuble with the law and always seems to get out of it. His father will not let him stay there. I cannot even talk about him moving out with my wife now, she says "he is still my son" or that I am making her chose between him and me. I love her tremendously but I cannot stand coming home after working a 12 hr shift and see him laying on the couch or sleeping in late. He has not motivation or ambition. It is really puttting a strain on our marraige where I am considering leaving. Any help or suggestions would be appreciated.

Maria - posted on 05/22/2013

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I am a 65 widow, no pension, no nothing....and living with a 29 and a 27 year old adult "children"...they do not clean, cook, do shopping, pay bills ...or work.
I am ashamed to post this...for me, and for them.

Doreen - posted on 11/13/2011

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I have 4 boys with 3 of them living at home with me....they are 29-28 and 20...I can't seem to get them to fly from the nest.....so now mom has had to fly the coop---finding a 1 bedroom else where....Am I a bad mom?

Bev - posted on 12/02/2013

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I wish I knew. My 36 year old, going on 12 (can't manage his money, terrified of being alone, have to tell him every thing to do or he does nothing) step son won't move out and, his father, my husband, won't kick him out. "I'm not going to kick my son out"

Well it's nearing the point of the son or me, one of us has to go. All that kid does is sleep and mope and whine. "I can't, it's too hard, I don't have any money, oh woe is me, I only have 100 a month after I pay my bills, I can't , no one will take me....." and so on. He has a job and a car but won't, or can't save the extra money he has. "I thought I had 90.00 on my card, I don't understand." when he spent it on junk food and cigarettes and, a pre paid cell phone (which he refuses to give up even though we have a land line phone.)

One of three thing needs to happen now. That kid needs to get his act together. The kid has to go or, I have to go. I cannot stand incompetent idiots that whine about what they could change then do nothing to change it despite being told how to change it. (Dump the long distance girlfriend, loose the cell phone, move to town, sell the car and ride the city bus, get on food stamps, go to the food bank, quit buying high dollar junk food, quit going to meet people you found on some cell phone app...) But no, he won't even try to do anything. He'd rather whine and mope.

How do I get him out NOW?

Sybil - posted on 08/20/2009

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make rules that you know they cant follow. such as unless you work night shift you must be in the house by 11pm, no eating in any rooms but the kitchen, no food or kitchen privilages after 8pm, can only do their laundry on the day you tell them is their day, if they want to eat more then one meal a day at your house owe $50.a week . our kids managed to follow (or pretend to follow) our rules for a month and amazingly found their own apartments

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Jennifer - posted on 04/08/2014

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I am the originator of this post. And I have to tell you all, since I first posted my son has been in and out of my house numerous times. He is back in again but this time it is with a written contract that he is enrolled in college to obtain his degree. Now I understand this may take up to two to three years in order to accomplish.
But as I must say, since my original post, that times have changed. Where I live, most jobs that are attained are through a "temp" service. Since this is the case, there is no way to live on your own with the possibility of losing your job because the employment has ended.
Hence this is why I have pushed for further education. It is not like how we as adults found employment, we started a job and have been there for years or have retired since. I push him with an understanding that he knows I am tolerating his presence within my home. He respects that.
I think as human beings (or as parents) we need to understand the changes that have occurred in our life time. Jobs are no longer found "right out of high school" that we retire from. We are to push an education along with a "street smart", knowing how to spin what we already know into something else.
There is no need for "kid" gloves, there is nothing but reality outside of the big front door and we as parents have to at all times tell our children the reality of it all. Maybe not in such blunt terms, but as one human being to another.
Now on the edge of the coin, those parents with children that are abusing "illegal" substances, and are roosting on the couch, I believe the ultimatum is to happen. A swift kick in the pants or head (to them)may be beneficial to you and/or your relationship with your spouse. Never loose yourself and your relationship because of what your offspring is or is not doing. You can be both true to yourself and your child, and I say child because every mother out there still sees there 20+ or 30+ as their baby as I do but you have to grow beyond this. Never forget you still count!

Kirsty - posted on 03/28/2014

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Hi
I went through living hell with my 23 year old daughter but that's most likely a lot different to you with your son but all I can say is if it's not working out maybe he could think about renting or sharing a house with friends? I see you mentioned 'Again' so had he already moved out??

Joe - posted on 03/28/2014

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Anthony - 25? You are not much older than a child yourself and it will take some time for you to experience the real world outside of the liberal mecca of most universities. Bev has a 36 year old living at home like a child, that is wrong! It comes down to the brutal truth - As selfish as it sounds Bev's happiness is what's most important. I'm 44 years old, I've seen a lot. It's been my experience that at the age of 30 people are who they are, I have very rarely seen anyone change after the age of 30. At 36 this adult child is not going to change. It comes down to a matter of survival. Bev should put her happiness first. although it may just be better to set his stuff outside the house and change the locks on the doors, call the police if he refuses to leave property. Sometimes the best love is tough love.

Anthony - posted on 03/21/2014

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Bev - I am a 25 year old, university educated, male with degrees and biology and psychology. I don't plan on saying much other than that your post, and the parameters you place upon your "adult child," would make any PhD. level therapy concerned with YOUR mental health. Setting boundaries is one thing; so too is setting out expectations (even in writing or via a contract), but what you described offers the individual you are referring to no capacity for just that: individuality. And with that comes mistakes, misunderstandings, and allowing for space to determine the lifestyle that the aforementioned individual wants to live. I denounce what you wrote and that kind of "parenting," Your kid will undoubtedly resent you for many years -- and if you are okay with that, then you simply don't care about your offspring.

Anthony - posted on 03/21/2014

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Bev - I am a 25 year old, university educated, male with degrees and biology and psychology. I don't plan on saying much other than that your post, and the parameters you place upon your "adult child," would make any PhD. level therapy concerned with YOUR mental health. Setting boundaries is one thing; so too is setting out expectations (even in writing or via a contract), but what you described offers the individual you are referring to no capacity for just that: individuality. And with that comes mistakes, misunderstandings, and allowing for space to determine the lifestyle that the aforementioned individual wants to live. I denounce what you wrote and that kind of "parenting," Your kid will undoubtedly resent you for many years -- and if you are okay with that, then you simply don't care about your offspring.

Florida - posted on 03/20/2014

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I see that a lot of mothers have this issue with adult sons. I can rely to those posts. I have taken some notes, and believe that some posts are very helpful to help me identify that I have a problem. My son is 21, and he does not want to pursue more education. I have an issue with that. However, he is very helpful at home and respectful, but I do not want to keep him at home all my life, he has to learn to fly...

Virginia - posted on 03/13/2014

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to Yard, wow what a bitter sweet success story. You are such an inspiration, I am so sorry your Dad has mental health issues and your Mom is so submissive. You are an amazing young person, at least you have your intelligence and the drive to get out of that terrible situation. You should try to tell your story to young people. Unfortunately, you are far from being alone in your journey, I am sure if your tell your story to other young people who are suffering as you did they'll feel inspired and find the strength to get through difficulty . It's pity that you don't have your parents, but when you are ready to start your own family or love story you'll be able to be in family situation again. Unfortunately I don't think your parents have evolved any further than they did as you noticed when you went to visit them last. So turn your efforts towards building your own family. You know I lost my parents in my twenties, when you get married your wives parents become your new parents and your wives sisters and brother become yours too. So find the right person and getting married is another way to re-gain parents and siblings. For me these difficulties in life are part of our unique karma,these obstacles are here for us to learn something about our life. I truly believe that. Well congrats on your executive position you have deserved it - enjoy life now as much as possible.

Debbie - posted on 03/07/2014

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I too have a 22 yr old son,5yr,16 month old my 22 year old wont work because he suffers from anxiety disorder PTSD, Social Phobia so he says his mental condition will not allow him to get a job. I feel bad for him he is just here at home mind you we are all in a one bedroom apartment I am stressed out! any advice?

Jennifer - posted on 03/07/2014

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Honestly? The only way I know to keep your adult child away from "home" is to make them solely responsible for thier own fate.. In other words Pull the safety net out from under them and make them take care of themselves... As long as you allow them to fall back and rely on you they will continue to do so. Basicly they need to sink or swim!

Shawnn - posted on 03/07/2014

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Wow...Have to say, with those rules, I would have left Bev's house as well!

Getting your college age kids to understand their responsibilities starts when they're born. If you consistently expect your kids to have and live up to responsibility, and continue to give them the tools to succeed, such as how to budget, how to determine need vs want...then there's no problem.

When my eldest graduated HS, he came to me and asked when I wanted him out. I told him that he was more than welcome to stay in our home, provided he was responsible for his share of food, mortgage, utilities, and extras. He wrote up a contract of how much he'd pay monthly (he got the figures from doing the math for the household). He included clauses for staying out, coming or going at odd hours, etc. They were all very reasonable.

He figured that his 'share' should equal 1/4 of the household expenses monthly. Since there were four of us in the house, that was agreeable, and the amount worked out to a little less than monthly rent & utilities at an apartment. He said that he would text or call if he would not be in, so that we wouldn't worry. Reasonable. He said that he would do his level best to not keep odd hours, and when he did have odd hours he would do his best to keep the disturbance down. Again, reasonable. He set a date by which he was to be permanently out. HIS IDEA. He said "mom, I love you but we both know we butt heads at times, and at some point, I need to go". I told him that we'd both know when we'd reached that point.

Now, before you start shouting that this is BS, and I'm a troll...here's how I did it: I expected my kids, from the time that they could understand simple directions, to take responsibility for themselves. As they grew up, those responsibilities changed, morphed, evolved so that they would be prepared to be on their own one day.

I also recognized that they're people. They're not my possessions, they're not my slaves, and they are not my minions, to be dictated to. Things like "you will NOT LEAVE until 30 minutes prior to your shift"...or "you will ONLY be allowed to eat warm food at regular mealtimes, the rest of the time, you will eat leftovers COLD"...LMAO...you do realize that you're speaking about your adult children, right? You'd seriously deny them the use of the stove because they didn't make it in the door at dinner time? Wow.

I found that, if I treat my sons as human beings, with opinions, and feelings, we get along much better. And, they still move out without any hassle, AND they're welcome to rent anywhere in town because they are known to take care of things correctly.

Barbara - posted on 03/05/2014

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I have a 22 year old who can't hold a job and have a 3 year.I have giving her to the end of the mouth to get it together but she still won't look for work. It's really stresses me out because she can go everywhere else but cant go get a job what shall I do.

Yard - posted on 02/28/2014

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Food for thought - here's the opposite side of this problem..

I am in my early 30s, and I am the son of a psychotic father who kicked me out of the house at 14 for "not having a job", his reasoning was when he was 10, he dropped out of school and worked to support his parents. He and my mother had many fights about the subject since the time I turned 9 or so, but as he was the sole provider of the family, and my mother was a malleable agoraphobe who was absolutely FRIGHTENED of the outside world, let alone having a job. She was afraid of him divorcing her and leaving her to the terrible world of independence, so I got the boot right around my 14th birthday (while I was still in middle school).

My grades plummeted. I went from a 4.3 GPA with multiple AP courses and several state-wide achievements in English mental Math to a .9 GPA and (literally) living on the street. I explained my situation with a manager at a local McDonald's and convinced them to hire me for as many hours as they could (I forged my parents' permission), as well as taking on every odd job I could under the table. I had no time to focus on my studies.

A friend at school's older brother was looking for a roommate, luckily, and I had a bedroom in a known drug house for only $250 a month (almost 3/4ths of my monthly salary). Year to year, I bounced around place to place, just BARELY scraping by academically, and just barely having anything to eat. Amazingly, I never tried drugs or anything of that sort - it didn't interest me. Somehow I graduated High School.

Thanks to my father and his insanity (and my mother for being an enabler and agreeing with his psychotic decisions) college was out of reach for me. I ended up moving all over the US - incredibly, I picked up a lot of high tech knowledge. At one point I fixed computers for side income, and found I had a knack for advanced computing concepts and electronics (it made sense, since I had scored 2nd highest in the state school system for mental math - to which my father responded by saying "second place is first loser").

Slowly I built up a formidable skill set, and now I am very successful, with a position of essentially upper management at an electronics firm. I tried to visit my parents, briefly, about 7 years ago - when I was around 24 - the first time I had really communicated with them since right around the time I graduated high school. All my father said to me was "Huh. I just figured you were dead by now" and closed the door on me. I remember my mom just shaking her head as he closed the door.

Take from this story what you will. I am not here to judge or prove any points, except to say I wish I had some form of family support network. Thanks for reading.

Danyell - posted on 02/21/2014

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my 20 year old bought his gf a 100. bracelet. then ddesided not to get up for work today . and my 17 year old never opened up drivers ed book to study. i told him i would take him for permit today. he never studied so i did not take him.today I went out and bought 3 bags and personal items deodorant etc brought them home to the boys told them you're done March 1st be out by 3 pm.my 20 year old that he's not leavingI hope I won't have to call the police

Coolaid - posted on 02/20/2014

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Simply remind yourself to again and again all day long that mom or dad is in charge of taking care of themselves. when these old children come to you with needs don't give it to them. go enjoy yourself as our time is all liited. their ind set is so entitled from what i hear. give the a mirror of what a therapist inside would say. you cannot give in. they have to go work harder to provide for themselves. there are no family pets because if the adult child can't feed their own face. then dont ask to have an animal. yeah its nice but big picture message is weak. silly clam up and go joing your age activity or do the repair of house or what ever turn you happy uz they aint going to. also those atm machines give out twenty dollars as lowest. i wish they would give out five dollars too cuz adult kids ask ad you only have 20 and it like that dont even appreciated like we did growing up these kids are entitled bratty without the formal title of Prince or Princess. No empathy fro them and they take and hardly give. ad get upset when thigs dont go well when they take. plus you really dont expect anything in return most of us will be ultiately cared not by blood relative. we can only be not mean spirited toward them but not available

Danyell - posted on 02/18/2014

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so alot of these storys sounds like mine and there are so many post ,way to many to read to find help. 17 and 20 year old boys. 20 yr old got in trouble with the law at 16, and could not pass a drug test .was sent to rehab. came home. got arrested for pot so i kicked him out. got gf pregnant came back home for awhile,then lived with gf dads house. got kicked out of there. he could not keep a job. stole money and checks from her dad. so 20 year old comes home steeals from me , drinks,smokes pot. works 4 hours a day. which i take him. watches his daughter argues with me non stop,slop. i kicked my 17 year old out 6 months ago hes even worse then my 20 year old minues the baby . i let him come back home too. i gave them both till march 1 to find somewhere to got thats 45 days . both do drugs, drink, no ambition to get a job or a better one,no education, licence, car. they both steal from me and others. and my boyfriend wont come here anymore because of them. my question is 45 days long enough. all my friends said i should not even allowed them to come back. but im there mom and it winter and cold.

Bev - posted on 01/26/2014

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Well, the step son won't be here long now, seems he hates my rules.

Wash your own dishes, any you leave will be in your bed after you go to work.

Be home 30 mins after your shift at work ends and, do not leave until 30 minutes prior to your next shift for ANY reason. If you do not abide, the doors will be locked and, you will stay outside until 30 minutes after your next work shift and, no I do not care what date, appointment or whatever else you might have agreed to, it isn't happening.

Do your own laundry, any not done by noon Saturday will go to the burn pile and, be ignited.

No access to anything in the kitchen except the refrigerator. If you cannot be here at meal times, you will eat leftovers and, you will eat them cold.

You will shower at precisely 7:35 to 7:45 AM (that's five minutes to 15 minutes after he is to be home form work.) Any other time, or longer time will result in me turning off the breaker to the well - no water.

You will feed your dog by 8:00 Am, if not I will immediately take her to the dog pound.

Any of your personal items left outside your room after 8:30 AM or before 7:30 AM will be removed form the property be that by burning them, escorting it or them to the police station, tossing them in the river, whatever means I feel will insure said items, animals or persons will not return.

Naturally I got told no one could live like that to which I replied, move out then, there is your car or a homeless shelter, or mooch off someone else. That or live by my rules in my house.

Patricia - posted on 01/18/2014

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what happen?, what happen to our children? where did we the adults, and the children of the late forties and fifties go wrong? where are the backbones that once held this country together? are they truly all dead? we have become a chain of weak links and our children seem to be playing on that image we have given them. but why? who bewitched us. dear country that I love, our children are not going to survive if we don't become a stronger hand and a firmer love, our children are depending on us to see them survive something sparing the rod is keeping them from doing and I don't mean beat them, I mean help them, they need a tougher love, they need us to fight for their future. and if you ask me what ideas can I come up with there are plenty, but what are our grown children willing to do to see any project through because from what I am seeing and what I am hearing they have already given up on themselves and their future generations. this is scaring me, because some of us have grandchildren who have self-centered and depressed parents, who rather quit then fight for a better future for themselves, never the less their off-springs, and that is scary.

Nancy - posted on 01/06/2014

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I have a Daughter a that is 19th and she thinks that I our her something? but I about a 2 years ago my daughter and husband was not getting along, so one day they both get into it so it go hot and they both. thing where said so time when by and my husband move out he had enough of it so then she told that that she. but I told her I need her help with rent and bills and that I cold not do it by my self and if she did like she would have to fine some where else to live, she lets me your kidding me out. I don't know what to do or say any more they I tell her Its time for me to live my live and she tell me you did I tell her No I put my live On hold you all of you

Can you Help me

Effie - posted on 12/24/2013

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I am 41 years old and I have a 20 and 21 year old so they both have jobs and if you have room for 2 people that would be nice and I need room for my 6 year old child and they are ever where so please reply

Meg - posted on 12/22/2013

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You would have more income and they would figure it out if you let them move out and be REAL adults. Consequences are how they learn.... What would they do if you died tomorrow? Not to be harsh, but you aren't doing them any favor.

Meg - posted on 12/22/2013

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I'm with you! I moved out ASAP after graduating with a REAL diploma at the age of 17. I've been doing a lot of reading on this site and the common theme is Men letting their sons take advantage!
I have a loser living in my house too only he can't get a job because he's a felon now. I don't know why my husband puts up with this crap.... Enabler !!
I'm thinking about renting a townhouse and getting away from the train wreck

Meg - posted on 12/22/2013

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If they aren't paying rent then there is no lease correct? Look up your state landlord laws. That's awful! These young men ought to be ashamed of themselves!
Have you thought about changing the locks?

Bev - posted on 12/12/2013

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I would gladly do the though love thing and send my step son out the door with directions to the homeless shelters that are 30 miles or so from the house but, his father won't let me do it.

This one moved in back in May and, was supposed to be here 2 to 4 months then out. Well IT'S still here and will be until IT finds someone to move in with.

IT tried moving in with IT'S gf in Dallas but, her parents dislike ITS ways as much as I do and threw IT out.

What's wrong with demanding a reasonable rent or forcing the adult kid to move out? The day I turned 18, I had to pay 100.00 per week to my father for room and board or move out. I paid for two weeks, then moved out and never went back - just as cheap to live on my own as at home.

Mum With 2 Adult - posted on 12/12/2013

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I want my kids (30, 28) to be more responsible for their lives and help out more around the house. HOWEVER I don't want them to move out or get jobs. They are more useful to me to do DIY, ebay trading and cooking, shopping (they never clean but hey). They do want (menial) jobs and independence and they resent having to stay at home and help. They are rude and disrespectful. They mostly come home by midnight but they tend to get up late (9am). I would not permit any boyfriend or girlfriend to stay over. How do i get them to be more pleasant and respectful and help out with the jobs around the house? The elder does things around the house without much care. The other day i think she knocked an item of cutlery into the bin (it's missing and that's the only explanation I can come up with).

I pay all their expenses btw. Also, the 30 y.o. lost her well-paid job due to her being bullied but I don't think she is mature enough to do another job (she wants to do anything as long as it gets her out of the house) - she is still immature and "entitled" and hasn't done the tax year 4 years ago even though I told her to send it off. (She has done the recent years). I would prefer she become an ebay trader but everything she sells goes too cheaply because she didn't take enough care for the marketing. But only by working for me for free will she pay off the debt she owes me for bankrolling her for the last 4 - 5 years. I can't force her to do the marketing properly but I can force her to stay at home. So she is selling everything too cheaply. What do I do?

Overit2 - posted on 12/09/2013

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hi all sufferers.. I have 4 children, my youngest son is 16 and my oldest son 26 has just moved back in with partner. he pays begrudgingly 100 per week, is not looking for a job, does nothing to help and im still paying off an elec bill from the last time he was here. when he cooks he gets crap over evrything or they waste money on takeaway, is an alcoholic and lazy. I am going bonkers!! I just want my house to myself and none of this stress.
to the ones that have wonderful contributing helpful children and cant work out wot the problem is.. is coz ya havnt got one. take mine and give me updates:)

Tia - posted on 12/07/2013

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I just got an eviction on my 19 year old son who was verbally abusive to me and mean to my younger children. I love him but I couldn't deal with his anger and behavior issues. Children need to understand that living with your parents as an adult you have to show respect. Its a privilege not a right!

Leticia - posted on 11/25/2013

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We have 2 adult boys 24 and 21. The oldest works but refuses to be responsible with his money. Smokes like a chimney, is an alcoholic and fights with the younger brother. They both tear up our house when they physically fight. And my 17 year daughter can't even come home until they are asleep because she wants her boyfriend over but the 24 year old hates and is jealous of him and wants to always fight him for no reason. The 21 year old smokes, has no job and is still going to adult school for a high school diploma. Both boys steal money, our meds, and eat us out of house and home. Our daughter says kick them out they are grown adult losers. We've called law enforcement and prettying day they can't do anything because they reside in out home. We can have them evicted but its a 30 day process! My husband and I are so stressed out and feel like prisoners I'm our home. We want our house back. Please help

Pattys - posted on 11/05/2013

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Omy
Like an Alabama tic!
They dig right in!
I love my children but at what cost?!...
How much are you suppose to do?
I'm in my boat with a bucket scooping the water out. I am going under & all because in my almost 20 year old does not really want to work. He's depressed - no medical coverage. His girl friends here 6 month along & working for minimum pay.
Also I have 2 teenage girls. 13 & 16
Home schooled & observing how mom handles it all. 4 all u mothers out there fight the fine fight it's the a fight for for their future. Make them. Help them. Guide them. Most of all love them & listen to them.
U don't have to agree ~just listen.
Let them know I hear you but~
Not in my house~
You made choices that~
Most of all & it sounds cold.
It's not my problem! : )
Abundant blessings 2 u & ur's.
~Patty

Pat - posted on 11/03/2013

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I have the same problem. My 26 year old step son move back in with no job. He also had an operation on his eye, and wants to get an operation on his neck bone spurs. He likes to play video games and his dad has had 60 jobs do too he likes to play games and keep getting fired. The biggest problem is his mom rubs his head and back almost all day long because he feels lonely it won't attention.and also that played video games on the telephones for 5 or 6 hours a day. what would you do about that. I'm also considering just living alone. Let me know how you handled your problem maybe that will help me with mine.

Pat - posted on 11/02/2013

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I have a son that move back in at the age of 26. He wants mom to Rub head and back all the time. He never wants to be alone and wants to play games on the cell phone all the time, The step dad is getting very angry because my Son wants continuous attention. My husband can deal with possibly playing games 5 or 6 hours a day sometime but the back rubs and head rubs just getting on his nerves. What should I do. My son claims he didn't get enough attention when he was younger. His real dad had 60 different jobs because he would quit his jobs when it was time to play a softball game. He never had time for his children. I had to work back then to make a living for the children because the real father never cared but now my son move back in is consuming my time and attention from my new husband and I'm afraid it's going to cause many problems so what can I do. I did not get to spend much time with my son because of work back at that particular time and now my son is holding it against me and making me feel extremely guilty. I'm afraid my husband will not tolerate these back rubs longer. I'm in need of some good advice.

CORINNE - posted on 09/18/2013

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As for Earl,
You need to get your balls back!
You came into this and never had a relationship or a say.
Now you have a daughter and STILL have no say!
That my friend is an issue.
Plus, you need to stop drinking. As it might be an issue (it sounds like it). But you need to work with your wife and get the step son to stop drinking or move out!

I am not one to side with my kids and NOT my husband. That is childish.
But you have a lot of dynamics that need to be addressed.
I would suggest counseling for you and your wife and then the step son can be brought in, your daughter is too young!

Find a counselor whom neither one of you know and go to that person. Be honest and open and do what they suggest.

I do love Tony Robbin and the Cloe Madanes training helps with issues too. Maybe you could work on you and then go outward to work on the marriage and the step son.

Good Luck.
Corinne Balante

CORINNE - posted on 09/18/2013

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I think it was something in the Prenatal Vitamins!
I would NOT take anything, not even a Tylenol when I was pregnant with my children for fear of something going wrong! Plus, nine months IS a short time to ensure your children are healthy!

Anyways, I have a 25 yr old who moved back home after a scary hospital stay (they thought he was having a heart attack!).
He was living with his girlfriend and they had my grand daughter (whom I love to pieces)! But the girlfriend cheated with the neighbor guy and then when that didn't work out they split up.
HE did move home for a short time but then I said YOU MUST BE OUT BY.....DATE. He moved out and slept in his car for awhile.
I did the TOUGH LOVE on that and then he moved in with friends, until his heart scare. We allowed him to move back home, get a better job (NO MORE STRAIGHT COMMISSION-as HE picked up dead bodies and took them to the morgue or the funeral homes. A good job for the owner, but not the guys doing the dirty work! And lifting is what stressed his heart, these people were not all thin. Plus, the dead weight (NO PUN INTENDED) was worse!
Now, he has a good job and pays us $250. to sleep on the floor of my living room! We are looking for a bigger home so we can put him in a room until he gets his life together. But things are looking up. He also, picks up and pays for things at the store for us. About once a week he buys dinner for us all.
When we find another place his rent will go up!
When he was 20yrs old he paid $600. a month. I started at $100. when he was 16 yrs old and working and slowly increased it. By $600. I was done. He was coming of drinking age and TRYING to do that in my home. Ah NO! (my ex-his father was an alcoholic and I can't stand the smell!). He also wanted to bring home his girl friend and have her sleep over. AH, NO WAY!!! So when he moved out she moved in with him and proceeded to get pregnant!

My youngest, soon to be 16 yrs. says he is moving when he turns 18! I believe him, he is like me and I moved out the day after my 18th birthday! I had six months of high school to finish and I did! I got a job, moved in with my older sister and make it work! I will NOT allow my son to move out UNTIL he Graduates. But life is MUCH different between us and how my father ruled his home!

So my advice. Keep increasing the rent. Until they are paying it and are just fine and can live on their own. Maybe an efficiency or enough for Rent, Utilities, Car, Food etc. IF you use a budget sheet create one for him/her.
OH ALSO, MY 25 YR OLD (FATHER -OF MY GRAND DAUGHTER), HAS A CURFEW OF 12 MID-NIGHT. OR SOONER. DEPENDING ON WHEN I WANT TO GO TO BED! He usually stays home at night as he works at 6/7 am depending on the OT available that week! He does 10 hours or 11 hours a day at work and Saturdays as needed! He pays Child Support so we have to include that as well in his budget. Which hurt him before on a lower paying job.
You can Google Budget Sheets
Also, make him/her look at apartments. Tell them you are just doing this temporarily!
YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED IF YOU ASK AROUND.
A LOT OF PARENTS ALLOW THEIR KIDS TO STAY AND DO NOT CHARGE THEM RENT, AND PAY FOR THEIR INSURANCE AND CAR. THINK IT IS OK FOR THEM TO HAVE DRUNKEN PARTIES AT THEIR HOMES. IT MAY BE TIME FOR THEM TO GET NEW FRIENDS!
There are great Tony Robbins help on YouTube. If it is an issue, But it may just be a need to cut the apron strings.
I told my son I cut them along time ago and HE NEEDS to stop trying to sew them back up! I love my kids but yes, I'm in a second marriage which I had to consult my husband BEFORE allowing him to move in. Plus, it does NOT help that the biological father lived and now that his parents are both dead he and his sister inherited the land and homes! So an issue of genetics is involved here!

GET TOUGH AND DON'T MAKE IT EASY.
THEY WILL LEAVE.
IF NOT YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM BY WHAT DATE YOU WANT THEM OUT.
I SAVED THE MONEY FROM HIS RENT THE FIRST TIME AROUND TO PAY FOR HIM TO MOVE OUT!!!!

He is NOT so bad this go around but I want the empty nest one day too!!!! :-D

GOOD LUCK,
CORINNE BALANTE

Earl - posted on 09/17/2013

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We have a 34 year old step son who lives with us because he won't live on his own without his mommy. Mommy says that he could live there as long as he wants. He has a job and does'nt pay for anything at home. I have to quit drinking or face a divorce why mean time he can drink everyday in front of me. I have a 4 year old little girl and we live with her in her house. Also I married this woman and still I have no say so about it. I know, I'm stupid right?

Charles - posted on 09/16/2013

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1. The question is why are you letting them come back home?
2. Ask them what is the situation that has them coming back home? Listen to what they are saying but still let them know how you feel. Give solid advice.......do not play the sorryful parent be firm with them. They are not kids any more.
3. What is there plan of attack in vacating your home? Make sure they give you a solid plan (in writing)........not a B.S. plan to get you off their backs. Check time to time on where they are on their plan.......if need be help them.
4. Give them a dead line when they will have to get out. (Don't say a date and forget.......constantly remind them of the dead line. Don't back down stay hard on them........no excuses.

Marie - posted on 09/16/2013

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My son is 40 years old. Was in a bad way, and I let him come home for a few weeks. Now it has been 3 months. He has no job, just got off house arrest from DUI and broke up with another girl, and recently injured his foot. Now, he has new girlfriend - he can't understand why I don't want her here all the time-. She showed up here yesterday after work, they were going to leave and pick up her son, and she decided to jump in the shower. I get up go to work and I want to come home and have my life. I don't want company.

He says I am unreasonable. He is living in my family room with part of his belongings. I have a sub garage full of his stuff. My garage is full of my stuff, going through a divorce - and he just told me that I am jerking him around and treating him unfairly because he still has to pay $100 a month for a storage unit of his belongings. He lives here for free, is on food stamps - and I think he is the most ungrateful snot. He tells me I don't understand - and I have issues.Then I feel guilty - because he's my son.................... how can I get him out of my house!

Rachae - posted on 08/23/2013

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I need help! My son is 23 and refuses to get a job. He is very helpful on the one hand but can be very verbally abusive when confronted about doing anything with his life. My dad recently died and he was very helpful to both my mom and I, yet, he stays up late partying with his friends, has moved in his girlfriend, refuses our help with attending college and does not actively look for a job. I am at my wits end. I work all day with special Ed students and hate to come home and see him laying on my couch. I work with emotionally disturbed children and my home needs to be a stress free environment. This is my time. I have a 30 year old out and on his own, married and with two children. I put off my career to raise my sons and this verbal abuse from my 23 year old is completely unacceptable. I am at a loss. I love him but please!

Jacqueline - posted on 08/18/2013

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It's not easy, there has to come a point in all of our lives where we chose to live life for ourselves. We have given love, support, and every ounce of our souls to our children. Don't blame your kids at this point, dig deep find your strength, forever love your children and grand kids. Move on, pack your bags, leave them in your house without you, and if the electric, water and utilities don't get paid then they will live in the dark or get responsible for themselves. It time for your adventure, again find your strength and move on, do it for yourself. Good luck

Donna - posted on 08/10/2013

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I am so sorry to hear that you have to live like this. I myself have a similar situation. I have a thirty six year old daughter with two children living with me for the past three years. She is my oldest out of five children. She says she's looking for work but not willing to work that job that pays minimum wage to get a place of her own. I also have two other children that live with me, a twenty six year old that works part time and gives me board, and my youngest that's eighteen and in still in school. He has ADHD and a thyroid problem. My oldest son came back to live with me in April because he lost his job and is separated from his wife. He was looking for work but could not find any, but eventually he got work. My oldest daughter that has the two kids, didn't like his girlfriend so she called dyfus and basically ran him out of the house. She accused him of smoking marijuana, which wasn't true. So now he lives with a friend and is not talking to her or coming around my home any more. I am working and don't make a lot and can't even get help to pay for the electric and gas, let alone my mortgage. I feel like my oldest daughter has taken over my house and has no regard for respect for any body. She's paid child support but does not contribute to the bills and receives food stamps. I gave her a notice to pay or get out, but it hasn't worked. I love my children but when do they start acting like adults? She used my grandchildren as leverage in manipulating the situation which isn't fair to any of us. I too, am thinking of selling my house and moving to another state, then maybe I'll get peace a sense of my life back. I love my grandchildren and that is the only reason why she is here. I was told I could take her to court to make her leave, but I don't have the money to do that. I wish you well my friend, God Bless.

Betsy - posted on 03/24/2013

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my son is 22 and living at home. what is the problem? I love my son and love having him here. he has a job, is working on a truck he bought himself and he helps me around the house. why do you want him gone?

Janine - posted on 03/13/2013

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You can talk all you want about "charging rent". Yeah, well how do you get them to pay? The only way is to kick them out if they won't listen but you have to change the locks then. LOL. So, now I have my son paying a small amount and my daughter does all the cooking and that is as good as it will get. They need to be on their own to learn how to live. And grow up.

Elizabeth - posted on 03/13/2013

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Hi Parents!

I found this comment thread and found it super interesting. I'm casting a television show
about parenting and wanted to see if some of you might be interested in telling me your
story. We have been interested to speak with people who are parenting post-college aged kids.

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Elizabeth

Maria - posted on 02/01/2013

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Im 54 widow for over 3y. My 32y daughter with 2 children 8 and 10 separate with children father and asked me for help. I offer my house because she promised that she will look for place for her and children either from local councill or on her own. Now 1y later. She didnt work she isnt on job seekers allowance, just she have childrens tax credit. Im the only one person who pay all bills. Thats not enough. In may last year also my son 24 came to this home after leaving prison (sentence for graffiti) I was told that he will stay for few weeks only, but he is in my home up to now, without work, without jobseekers allowance, simply nothing. Im getting crazy, because thats too much for me. No help from goverment, because as you live with family goverment/councill wouldnt provide you with any help. I had 2 children as I was young, now Im 54 and I have 4. Beacuse they dont work the house is heated all day and all bills including councill tax are huge. Now I have to pay for gas and electricity over £400 plus £188 for councill tax. I cant manage it. I dont want to loose my house, but my adult children doesnt care about me. I tried to find my local citizen advice, but its impossible. My postcode is silly and it look like I dont belong to any.I already visited fiew. but impaying councill tax to ealing councill but my postcode is more like abrent. If im going to ealing citisen advise they looking at the postcode and trasfer me to Brent and in brent they asking me where Im paying councill and they transfer me to ealing....blind wheel. Im helpless, dont know what to do, I work in few sectors including selling on ebay-just little bit,to keep this house and provide my lovely grandchildren with clothes,school shoes ect. but I cant do it anymore. Why people like me cant get any support from councill/goverment.Should I sell my house to get rid from my children? I already give notice to my son, that he cant live here anymore, and probation office treat me like bad mum,who want to kick out her son on the street if there a lot of people who havent any place to stay. I lost my private life, Im sleeping on my sofa in living room and paying all house bills.Thats my responsibilityand comfort of my life. I probably made some mistakes, but the main one is offering help. But as a mother how is posssible not to help children. I wouldnt help if I would know how it will look like, but I had no idea what kind of children I have. If I will know that my life will look same in few years time , I wish to die...because thats isnt life. Just responsibility for big family. Whats life without understanding, respect and love worth?

Janine - posted on 12/30/2012

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Yeah. a lot of people have said "charge them rent". And how do you get them to pay? Short of changing the locks I see no way. I have a 25 year old and a 22 year old. The younger one will probably move out when his office relocates. He has a good job. The older one has a job (so-so) but her boyfriend has never had one since he graduated in May of 2011: that is the problem: she can't swing rent by herself and Romeo is a jerk!

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