How do you handle teenage rejection?

Carine - posted on 02/21/2010 ( 88 moms have responded )

6

3

0

I have a huge problem communicating with my teenage daughter. We constantly fight and differ about absolutely everything. She critisizes everything I do, say, cook, dress in , the way I sing, drive .... whatever. I just cannot do anything right by her and it is so frustrating trying to be nice if all you get is rejection.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Sumati - posted on 03/11/2010

2

13

1

Carine never say yes or no to your teenage son or daughter .Always put the burden on their shoulders ask them for their view of points.simply tell them some of your experiences.Tell them what is right and what is wrong don't force them to implement any thing .then their brain will start thinking for the right and the wrong.

[deleted account]

This is a HUGE challenge to parents. Teenage-hood is another part of the journey towards being a fully functioning adult and maturity.
maturity is reached when what a person says and what a person does are the same - integrity, age don't come into it tho, there are plenty of adults who never reached that goal :)
What research told me and what i learned from my own 4 daughters is that, to find their own independant ways of philosophy and behaviour - they firstly rejected EVERYTHING they'd learnt! Painful for all concerned.
What i learnt to do was to always take time out before i responded and stepped back to empathise with what they were saying/yelling/screaming. If i couldn't empathise i would approach and ask her to give me insight. giving some control to the girls is needed as they need their self-efficaceous skills to develop. the worst off kids/young people/ and adults are the ones with controlling parents who never listened.
Once a compromise is reached or a decision is reached stick to it with the wise words of "lets see how this goes, we may need to revisit this" and "if you want responsibility you must show responsibility 2.
1 thing for sure......you are her mother/mum and not her friend, don't ever let a teen girl take full charge and emotionally blackmail you and tell her firmly it's ur role as a mum she will gradually learn to respect.
Always be fair, always be honest and if you ban her from something - give GOOD REASONABLE reasons.
bless you, i empathise, i had some years of walking around with teenaege girls knives in my back and the daggers from her eyes lol, you need good friends to vent with too
love and light and good luck- it'll be worth it i promise
majority of kids who end up nightmares is because they never had the boundaries laid down hun

NADINE - posted on 03/11/2010

13

2

4

One important factor, I made sure that they understood that I was not their friend, I was their mother.

NADINE - posted on 03/11/2010

13

2

4

I have raised two daughters and I must say that I have always been able to keep the line of communication open. I constantly made my daughters aware that I don't know everything, I have and will make mistakes. I listen and hear, I allowed them the opportunity to make decisions.I also stressed the importance of trust. My girls were also perfect. No problems with alcohol, drugs, grades in school, boy issues. We would just talk, I would asked for advice fashion, makeup. Stay in tune.

Penny - posted on 03/01/2010

1

0

0

I have found that the people at Love and Logic ( www.loveandlogic.com ) have some really helpful insight for parents with children of all ages. I found them after reading a testimonial about a lady who 'took in' foster children who had been given up by everyone because of their aggressive behavior...Kids who had no hope of ever finding anyone to care for them because they were so full of hate and anger. She has ended up adopting several because she got through and established a relationship with them using 'love and logic'. I've only read their book on 'toddlers', but I am certain I'll follow through and take in their wisdom as time goes by...

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

88 Comments

View replies by

Elizabeth - posted on 02/02/2014

2

0

0

Sorry, I am new to answering/replying to chat websites, and did not reply properly to your message.
I may have not got parenting 'right' but I do feel we need to hang on in there as parents. In time our children may come to appreciate us - we must hope this. Peers are extremely important to teenagers and friendships can be shallow. They need to learn themselves. Meantime we are their 'punch bags.' Keep strong. Talk about it. As a single parent I held strong all these years, but my problem has felled me ..... for the time being. Time will help I'm sure.....and talking.
As it will for you.

Elizabeth - posted on 02/02/2014

2

0

0

Wonderful to know I am not on my own with problems.
After bringing up two girls entirely by myself since I had to get divorced when they were 7 - their father told me he would have nothing more to do with them if I went ahead and divorced him .... and he kept his word.....so they have only ever known me as a parent, I survived and we had some great times, but now one has totally rejected me. Why? For the first time I have not backed down to her.
I supported her through trauma, bullying ( severe) etc. On changing school at sixteen, due to bullying, desperate for new friends, she was befriended by a girl 2 years older who had moved town and school due to 'depression' for a new start also.This girl said she was in love with my other daughter! My other daughter reacted badly to this - and the other daughter felt sorry for the friend and saw it as an opportunity to become popular with the new crowd! This was the start of it. In time, with the friend being older and gay she introduced my impressionable daughter to alcohol and gay clubs. I have cried and cried. Not just because of the gay issue but at how easily she has been led and is seeing this as a form of
rebellion against me. She has not liked the suggestion that she has been led.
She has now come through uni and is still keeping her distance as a type of punishment to me I feel. As her mother I am not in denial. I know she liked boys but was shy and also unfamiliar with males. She has been influenced at a crucial age and I am devastated. She just throws at me the fact that look where being married to a man left me! I just hope she finds her true self and escapes for time to find herself, by herself, but with social media there is NO getting away from the influence. The girl from school is now turning her attention full on my daughter all these years later. Am sad. If she was truly gay I would know it I'm sure. Experimentation is one thing - I am trying to keep an open mind, but am struggling as you can see.

Christy - posted on 09/23/2013

1

0

0

i have the same issue too with my 15 year old daughter she doesn't want anything to do with me and doesn't want me to talk to her and dad works overnight from 7 pm to 7 am she was so upset the other day that she was cussing me every sentence had the f word in it i have solely given her to her dad as in discipline wise but i feel he is being lazy in that area and i feel that he thinks I'm the reason for the way she act and reacts towards things bc he thinks i never took care of it before she became teenager for example he told her to get her dirty clothes out of her bedroom so i could wash them and she didn't do it but that was her decision she made and i told him she didn't do it and he looked at me like so

Sarah Louise - posted on 10/17/2012

1

0

0

Sigh...thanks to all who have shared. Comes as a relief, and even though I know logically my daughter will come around..she is 19.... my heart still aches... Seeing others comments and acturally in print is very helpful ***

[deleted account]

Joanna, What a lovely positive and insightful response -
sorry i'm not being patronising i just like to say when i see something good :)

Joanna - posted on 03/14/2010

7

9

1

Hi Carine,
So many replies... seems a universal problem eh? My daughter is just 18 and although certainly not a teenager from hell, she does have her moments...

Maybe it is because they are becoming women and are starting to look at the world differently and more critically? And where better to start criticizing and being controversial than right at home, where you feel safe and pretty much know mum (and dad) love you unconditionally, so there's nothing to lose! If it makes them more assertive women, then it's worth the stress. I try to discuss things, sometimes we'll agree to disagree on things and sometimes I just try to shrug it off. Occasionally I have to demand she respects me as a person with an opinion of my own, just as I am trying to respect her. This usually gets the desired response from her... :-)

Fast Forward a few years and I'll bet you'll be best of friends..!

Good luck with the remaining teenage years!

[deleted account]

brilliant and thank you Lisa, my eldest is 26, then i have a 22yr old, 20 yr old and 13 yr old daughters, and 11 yr old son, along with 2 grand daughters and countless adopted girls :)
we had our struggles along the way, and it does get ya down at times and sometimes i wanted to run away and live in a forest lol, but.....we live.....and i learned

[deleted account]

I totally agree with what your saying Lindsey!! I have a 24 year now and we butted heads for a while, now she is a grown girl and we are very close now.

Mamta - posted on 03/10/2010

4

14

0

after reading a full conversation i feel i am not an abnormal mother ,i was going into depression by thinking am i wrong or my daughter is wrong.
thanks all the mother for giving me support .so i understood it is a phase of life and will go away with the time .

Donna - posted on 03/08/2010

121

4

13

Hang in there! This too shall pass. Went through the same things with my daughter. It's pretty common,i think.

Shelly - posted on 03/07/2010

1

30

0

Hello everyone! This is my first time posting, but I couldnt resist because... I thought I was alone in this battle of the teenagers. I am a 44 yr. old (seperated 2 yrs. after 25 yr marriage) single Mother of 6 including 2 SETS of twins. And I also have 3 grandchildren.
My oldest are 25 yr old daughter and a 24 yr old son, they were as differnt as siblings can be growing up, She was my lil angel, who helped me with housework and everything, she never hardly argued with me that I can recall. And she lives with me and still is my only help. On the other hand my son was the mischevious, sneaky one that always was looking for an arguement almost on a daily basis.. which started around the age 7- 8. and continued right up until about the age 20. He had to go through some rough times getting into all kinds of trouble, before he realized that Moms rules didnt seem so bad afterall. He doesnt live with me anymore and has recently become a new father of my newest Grandson, and is being the wonderful responsible father that I prayed he would one day be.
Now I have the twins one girl and one boy age 14 ! And they are total oppisites! And two girls age 11 that are as different as day and night also. And right now my house seems like a battleground. The 14 yr old daughter is my social butterfly who doesnt like to stay home, because it is "boring" she has a friend which is an only child which gets anything and everything she wants. And doesn't have to do chores. And my daughter thinks I am the worst person on this earth because she has household chores to help me out. ( I work full time and I cannot do it all.) My son 14 yrs. is quiet and keeps to himself, and is loving to everyone.(probally because he is out numbered all of the time being the only male in the house, except my 2 yr old grandson.
The 11 yr. old twin ( the oldest by 1 minute ) is very outspoken and is usually nice and kind, until she doesnt get her way. Or she disagrees with my rules. following in her 14 yr old sisters ways, ( their personalities are so much alike) and my other 11 yr old daughter is like my 14 yr. old son quieter and reads a lot and trys to get along. she helps me out as much as she can and is always trying to keep my spirits up when things begin to get to me. And most of the time I am very overwhelmed. And stressed. Recently we started attending a great church in our area and most of my children attend, except for the 14 yr old daughter who refuses! And she is the one I am most worried about. I am scared to death of the bad influences she will probally encounter, peer pressure, of smoking, durgs, alcohol, and becoming sexually active too early!! I have tried to talk to her about these issues, but it doesnt feel like I am getting through to her. She seems to put up a wall as soon as I start talking! I keep praying to God for guidance and strength. How can I get her to open up to me?

Janice - posted on 03/07/2010

3

11

0

wow I just had to respond to this one! I am a mother of 2 daughters ages 24 and 20 and my oldest and I used to butt heads over everything when she was in jr high and some high school, How old is your daughter? My daughter is very head strong, and opinionated, and she always had to have the last word, and hated to be told what to do, many times I went to work crying because we had a fight over something stupid in the morning. I always felt like she took me for granted, but as she got older, things changed, I stayed strong, let her know I loved her more than anything, and was always there for her, and I would say by jr year things calmed down, I think she realized I was on her side, and she stopped fighting me so hard. When she went away to college, I think she realized just how much I do for her and we became really close and now we are friends, she comes to me for advice and guidence and tells me everything. My younger daughter and I have a different relationship, she's more reserved, but also very opinionated, and we are also very close, she didn't give me the hard time her sister did though, she always says she learned what not to do, But just hang in there, keep the lines of communication open and don't give up, she'll come around. I think that middle school is especially tough and they are so confused and sometimes they are so frustrated that they lash out at the person who they feel the most secure with , like they know you aren't going anywhere so it's safe to be mean to you. Does that make sense? I could always tell if my daughter had a fight with her friends or had boy trouble , she would be nasty with me, and I picked my battles, I would let some things slide, but I didn't tolerate disrespect, or lying, and my girls knew that those were the cardinal sins in our house. And any topic was open for discussion, I always listened, and would try to reach a solution but in the end I had the final say. But they knew I would listen to them, that is huge to them. I hope this helped , let us know how things are going

[deleted account]

no u didnt come off that way. believe me i have had my trials with my 19 year old. it all started around 15 and boy was it a trial and a half. she was into drinking, drugs, permiscuity and you name it she was doin it. including sneaking out at night. I went into a really bad depression after the loss of my job and this is when i started having problems with her. but all in all we made it through and now we have a great relationship. Thanks to all the prayers and lol i dont want to sound mean, but house arrest, and placement and probation, it all turned around. kids can be a pain in the rump but we moms know what it takes to let them see the light even if the courts are involved. i didnt want it to be that way but i guess it worked. well pat, i can see the love you have for your daughter and remember, THERE ISN'T ANYTHING THAT GOD WILL PUT ON US THAT WE CANNOT HANDLE! he is there with us always good and bad times. God bless you hunny and you always welcome to get in touch with me! remember You're awesome!

Pat - posted on 03/07/2010

7

19

0

Vicky,
Im sorry for sounding bitchy LOL I really wasnt being. Thank you for the compliments I dont think I was always so patient. Its a lot easier to do it after its all said and done. to tell someone what worked for you can be helpful but at the same time the same thing doesnt work for everyone. I we, made many mistakes Me , her dad and herself. that was then. And this is now, God is GERAT life is good

[deleted account]

GREAT TO HEAR!!! You're a wonderful patient mom, I just wanted you to know that your girl is on the right track now because of your support and care. WAY TO GO MOM!!!

Pat - posted on 03/06/2010

7

19

0

Becky,
Thank you for your prayers we all need them. I want you to know tho my daughter and I are best of friends. She is married and has 2 boys of her own. no more drugs and its great to say she is alive. Thats the reason she ended up where she did. Your right I was not a bad mother. I was and am a good mother and grandma. I live to hear my grandkids call me and say Hi Grandma. my daughter is a wonderful young woman. I didnt abusive my my children. some times you have to show them whos who. I didnt hurt my daugher I knocked her on her buttt by grabbing her arm and pulling her to the floor. where I then woulnt let her up til the police arrived. she was on dope bad. And boy that was an experience we both are better than ever

Fran - posted on 03/02/2010

3

22

1

Hang in there Mama! I have 4 darling Daughters and 4 Grandkids. They pretty much all do that. They finally realise that their "Mommy" is just a regular person and not, "Mom the best at everything and the Queen of everything"! Ask her advice and help with stuff, to make her feel more included in makeing you "normal"! Ha HA! Always say "I love you" even when you don't want to. Like "I love you but, No you can't go out until midnight. I'm sure you're smart enough to find something else good and safe to do, that will be fun before that time". Good luck!

Deborah - posted on 03/02/2010

2

23

0

Your problem is not new- and very annoying to say the least! If it is really bad that it could be harming you or your daughter might I suggest family counseling with your church pastor or trained professional. Sometimes it takes seeing that others are going thru the same thing you are - and for your daughter to talk to an outsider- there could be a hidden problem you are unaware of.

Becky - posted on 03/02/2010

16

19

3

My daughter is almost 18 now. When she was in her early teens we were butting heads constantly. She didn't want to listen to what I had to say, but fortunately for us, I am just as bullheaded as my Daddy was, and I made her listen. As she got older, the battles became routine. She would get mad at me, and the only time she liked me was if she was getting her own way. She didn't see it this way at the time. She just thought I was being mean and manipulative. What an amazing mirror we are for our children! Now, after a few years of really hard work, we are closer than ever, she actually quotes me and my childrearing practices to her finance (and don't think I don't smile like a loon when I hear that!) I think that all children go through some sort of rebellion, but the degree of severity is somewhat determined by how much order was in their lives all along. I'm certainly not implying that you messed up as a parent. I just think all of us have to be extremely diligent in our role as parents. It was never promised to us that it would be easy. Because it's not. It is the hardest job anyone will ever have. Just stick in there, try to keep the lines of communication open, even if it means sitting with your mouth shut when she tells you something you would normally react to. If you can't keep your cool and just listen, how will she ever learn to do it with her own children. My daughter and I talk every day when she comes home from school, and we try to do things together, just the two of us, even if it's just watching a movie we picked out together. It's been a hard few years (more like 5) but it has been worth all the effort, because she has always known that even tho we may not agree, we respect her opinion, and in the end, WE are the parents, not her. She knows that we would never do anything to put her in harms way, and we won't lie to her. I hope this helps. Good luck and I'll be praying for you.

Pat - posted on 03/02/2010

7

19

0

Kelly,
My daughter was all of those things. The first time she took a swing at me out of pure anger. I knocked her on her ass. Called the police and she went to jail for a peroid of time. She came home didn't learn a thing. It was back to the same. Later on I found out what she was up to it was bad. I had her put in a juvinile prison for a yr. So if you slapped your daughter to keep her in line. DONT feel guilty. Just try to keep it cool. We all do things like make mistakes. Your daughter owes you a big heartful hug. Let her know you love her but dont let her run the show. By the way my daughter thanks me to this day for what I did. Watch her see who her friends are where she goes with them dont be blind like I was. I will pray for you and daughter that peace comes to your family. I know what its like and you bet I lost it with her....

Lucille - posted on 03/01/2010

5

3

0

With my daughter, i let her talk me into reading the entire Twilight series, it really was good. We both enjoyed it and now have a standing date to see all of the movies together when the come out. I brought us closer because it was an interest we share. Since then i have started another series that she recommended and finding it very good also. I hope this helps.

[deleted account]

my daughter was the same way. only she got physical. she was on probation for 2 years, house arrest 3 times, in a psychic ward for a week and then placement for 41 days before she got it together. but while this was going on I thought I was the worst mom out there. Eventually I started asking her what she would like for dinner. I would let her pick something out on grocery shoppin day. I would try, try to listen to her music and let her teach me the new dances. I would watch the shows that she liked and then she would watch what I liked. Sometimes you have to compromise a little. But don't let her take total control. Try talking to her in a letter. I know that when I did that my daughter realized how much I do care about what her likes and dislikes were. And most importantly how much I love her. To me it seemed to help when I wrote to her, she could really relate to some of the stuff I wrote. Sometimes it was just a little note sayin I love you and have a good day at school. There are different ways to handle things. But sometimes in this age we have to realize that kids are more mature than what we were at their age. It's not fair but unfortunatly thats the way it is. Most kids are latch key kids and are expected to do for themselves. Thats were we as parents loose control. But we have to take control back and make them realize that yes they are young adults but at the same time, they are legally still considered children. So try to get along with her and maybe become a kid yourself. Some people think I'm crazy but this is how my 3 daughters and I actually grew closer because now we share interests and such. Have fun with your kids. Be silly at times. Let them see that you want them to be young adults at the same time keep the authority in your hand not theirs. Keep the punishment rules in tack. And most of all, DON'T LET HER GET TO YOU! YOU'RE THE MOM AND WHAT THE MOM SAYS GOES! LIKE IT OR NOT!! She might scream at you and when she does throw a small bit of water in her face. I had to because my daughter was that unruley that screaming just didnt cut it. So water is what she got. And it finally stopped. Believe me she was not a very nice young lady. I hope this will help. Good Luck

Darlyne - posted on 03/01/2010

3

6

0

Well, i stayed in prayer for a long time!! because i thought i had lost my mind! but i hadn't. you haven't either, it may just feel that way. she may just have problems she's trying to work through. and, as bill cosby says,'teenagers are brain damaged"! sometimes, i would be tempted to agree. when things get bad, just have someone you can talk to. it will really help you get through "this time of their life", and yours. there are also a lot of good books that may help. check your local library for "focus on the family" James Dobson has a lot of material that you can check out.

TAMMY - posted on 03/01/2010

1

9

0

i look at it this way, you have to keep on what you are doing and love her enough to let her hate you. she IS learning from you and will come around. Set respect boundries as far how she talks to you and allow her to have an opinion within those boundries but stand your ground and sing even louder!!!! They aren't supposed to like you too much as teenagers if you are doing your job as a parent. Raised three boys who now know the deal because they have kids of their own. good luck but you will be fine, keep your head up, hug her even if she hates you for it. laugh alot, that helps too.

Lori - posted on 03/01/2010

2

18

0

I am in the middle of taking Love & Logic classes through our school district and I must say its been a miracle!!! You basically learn to put it all back on your child to decide and then they have to suffer the consequence all the while showing them love and empathy and its great for a change not to always be the bad guy. My son is 13 and has been fighting me tooth & nail for a couple of years now. He has went as far as to vehemently say he hates me. I have learned not to take what he says personally and by using the Love & Logic techniques it has thrown him way off. When he stomps around I ask him to stomp a little louder so that we can tell he is really stomping, takes all the wind out of his sails! Hang in there.

Christine - posted on 03/01/2010

2

33

0

All girls go through this to some degree. She is rejecting what she once embraced so she can be different and become what she feels is 'herself'. So she will strike out and pulls away. One day when she finds herself, she will come full circle and embrace you and rejoice in where she comes from. But that won't be for a bit. Just hold on. Have good boundaries for yourself. Model to her how to be a good mother and good person. Don't allow her to be abusive or hurtful. Remind her you are still her mother and must finish your job as her mother in raising her, to teach her how to be a good person. Encourage her to find another way to express her anger - like journal or kickboxing.

Paris - posted on 03/01/2010

1

20

0

I too dealt with this with my son during his teenage years. I noticed SO clearly the day I was washing dishes and politely asked him to take out the trash of which his response was to yell at me and ask WHY I WAS ALWAYS YELLING AT HIM!! We were like oil and water! It took some soul searching and prayer but GOD finally laid it on my heart to WRITE A LETTER. I sat up at 2 a.m. compelled to do just that and 10 pages and several hours later it was complete. A letter gives you the oportunity to SPEAK about everything! How this rift all started, how you personnally feel not only about yourself, how your teen makes you feel and where you want to go with your relationship. The thing I learned in writing my letter is that part of the oil and water reaction I was having was driven from behavior of my ex-husband that I seen in him but didn't realize it until I wrote it down. Many people would tell you to seek counseling first but I say try this type of "counseling" and when she's ready, she'll read it. Quite frankly she'll be so curious she won't be able to NOT open it! Afterword you should notice an opportunity to either DO NOTHING or SEE THAT SHE IS READY TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE BEHAVIOR. As for my son & I, it was do nothing,,, everything just got better. He finally seen me as a PERSON and not an object to take out his frustration on. He's not 21 and VALUES ME and MY OPINION in everything. Good luck to you!

Dawn - posted on 02/28/2010

10

23

0

I envy all of you. Not only did 2 of my children reject me, they ran away. And they did it with the help of other adults who KNEW that my kid was running away.

In '07, when my 18 years old (but still in high school) daughter reached the point of hating me, her boyfriends family 'rescued' her. She finished high school living under their roof & even had to transfer schools because ours wouldn't let her graduate if she kept skipping classes. The other school has lower standards so she got a diploma from there after she had to attend 3 classes there, 1 class for each required subject. Since she turned 18 before she left, I could do nothing.

That, in turn, put the idea into the head of her younger brother. Last August, his girlfriend started complaining because she could only see him 3 days per week. She's still in high school, but my son graduated last June. Anyway, his girlfriend complained to a friend of mine & the friend of mine responded by telling my son that he was always welcome in her house if he couldn't be here. So in mid Dec, he packed his clothes & moved to her house. He turned 19 in October, so I can't do anything about it. But, since I don't approve of him mooching, he wont speak to me anymore. He contacts me when he needs something (like a copy of his birth certificate, or something he left behind). The fights we were having before he moved were about him being 19, refusing to go back to college after the 1st quarter, he flunked 3 out of the 4 college classes we paid for, and he wouldn't get off the couch to look for a job. He moved out with no income, no car, no way to feed or clothe himself. And my friend is fine with it. She's sorry I'm upset, but she says she can't go back on her word now & would feel too guilty if he was homeless & something happened to him. Obviously our friendship isn't doing very well either.

Kids will naturally choose to take the easy way out. If I'm requiring my kid to take steps toward growing up & someone else is willing to let them slack off & play video games all day, it's to be expected that kids would rather play than work. I will never understand how other people thought it was appropriate to let my kids run away & move in with them instead of leaving them at home where they can finish growing up.

And to answer the question about how I handle it... I sit here & wait for them to grow up & want me back in their lives.

[deleted account]

I had a police officer tell me that we cannot "yell" at our teenage son. The officer was 24 of course...

[deleted account]

Our daughter got her first "slap" across the face last week. Nothing we have ever done or planned but she just pushed us to the limit until we cracked. Disrespectful mouthy and said "you just go ahead and see what happens"; and then it did. We feel awful and she knows it. So please tell me someone else here has lost it.

Pat - posted on 02/28/2010

7

19

0

I have 2 boys 31, 27 and a daughter 22. My boys had their times but I think may be over some of the crazy things they did. And still do from time to time. But my 22 yr old daughter was the bitch from hell from 13 til 17. She would run off to God knows where. She wanted me to be her friend not mother. Every time your child does something unacceptable laugh and say I love you to babe.... walk away hold your breath count to ten or maybe 100 LOL !!! My daughter and I are now the friends she wanted to be . You have to be mom first friend later. Believe me my daughter is thankful that I taught her well. as she now has 2 boys of her own. 3 yrs and a 3month.

Sharon - posted on 02/28/2010

1

1

0

My son started this when he was about 16. And 1 day when everything was nice and calm. I asked him very nicely. Bobby...Why do you hate me? of course he siad he didn't..But, then I said...your always soooo mean to me.....I said everything he says to me lately and he was surprised at what he said....he didn't realize. I told him we COULD have that relationship where we hate each other ALL the time....ya know like your friend so and so and his Mom or we could be friends. He decided NICE Mom is MUCH better than MEAN Mom. And we lived happily ever after.

Jill - posted on 02/28/2010

8

5

0

Believe me when you take their most precious possessions away...all of the suddent they really want to communicate...yelling at first, but then when that doesn't work, they settle down and you see the person you know is in there...lol

Jill - posted on 02/28/2010

8

5

0

Hmmm...do you provide her with clothes, food, shelter, and a cell phone? A laptop or computer privileges such as facebook and myspace? I understand teens WILL be negative...it is part of the teen cycle, but if it is constant, it is your job to give her a reality check. Take whatever is most important to her...probably her cell phone...and keep it for a very long time. This works like a charm at my house (ages 14, 15, and 18). A day is not enough...we learned that 2 to 4 weeks really spoke volumes...our kids straighten up and tow the line when their phones are taken. Now, here's the trick...if they go somewhere, you and they will be worried that there is no way to get in contact with each other. We make them give us several numbers of the friends they are with...or just look them up on the phone we have grounded them from...it works...try it...

Joe-ann - posted on 02/28/2010

1

4

0

My daughter is turning 20 this year and i went through something like you are if i liked the same song she liked she hated that said i stole it from her and i had no right liking the things she likes but hold your ground it is a learning curve for her and it gets better just let her know you are a person to and have likes and dislikes where she agrees or not tuff dont back down but in time it gets better she starts to understand where you are coming from and may even agree on some things.

Leslie - posted on 02/27/2010

19

16

0

I have two girls, 22 and 23. When they were going through this phase, I just tried (most of the time!) to laugh at their criticism and remind them that they wouldn't always be cool teenagers and that I hadn't always been an un-cool mom! Remind her that when she is living on her own she can do things her own way, but right now you're the mom and you're doing your best. Also, try to be accepting of as many of her quirks as you can -- I'm talking about things that are merely a little weird or silly, not things that are dangerous or seriously inappropriate. She will pass through this phase and appreciate you again. Just hang on and make sure you're strapped in because your roller coaster ride may be bumpy for a while! I also tried to spend time doing things the girls enjoyed with them whenever I could get them to spend time with me - eating, listening to their music in the car (as much as I could stand it!), and watching a few minutes here and there of their crummy teen-age TV shows with them. These happy times helped us stay in communication with each other. You could also remind her that you have feelings just like she does and that it's not okay for her to say hurtful things to you any more than she would want you to say them to her!

Sian - posted on 02/27/2010

4

3

0

don't react.. if she moans about your food tell her she can eat it or not, she can not have anything else though. You sing as much as you like and I find the louder you sing the better.. If she doesn't like the way you drive she can catch the bus ( I know this can be a bit nerving but theres nothing to see you can't spy on them just to make sure they are ok )..Just remember she will move out eventually..

Nancy - posted on 02/27/2010

17

13

2

I dont think your daughter is rejecting you .She is growing up and trying to find her way sometimes without you. Set aside a girls night /day where you can have some quality time to connect . Bake something together watch a movie . You can open a line of communication. and let her know you love her and will always be there to listen to her.

[deleted account]

There is a great book out there called Reviving Ophelia written by a phd in child counseling. The peer pressure that teenagers go through at high school is horrible. The model thin "be like a playgirl bunny" dress in the correct expensive designer garb, hang out with the "in "crowd, etc...... Then having to deal with eating disorders, experimenting with drugs,friends or themselves that are into cutting or suicide... and trying to find there own identity ,...I guess a lot of communication. My 17 year old has wild mood swings, and is dealing with the aftermath of a family divorace, she has a lot on her plate. All I can do is be there when she needs me, and offer love,try to keep the drama out of my own life and out of heres , live a god centered good example life, and be empathetic and give Lots and LOTS of love and assurance............And remember this too shall pass, and they become adults and want to become friends again....

Jane - posted on 02/26/2010

1

4

0

Thanks ladies - your comments were all really helpful. I have a teenage daughter who doesn't like me much at the moment. It has been better since she went to boarding school but can still be pretty unpleasant. I shall wait it out. JR

Stacy - posted on 02/26/2010

6

48

1

I'm in the same boat now too! My 15 year old can be the most sweet, loving, caring person one minute and be so mean and cruel the next that I'm in tears (though I try not to let her see when she really hurts me!) Just hang in there and try to be patient, understanding and remember what it was like to be that age. Remember also that today, it is much harder for teenagers to just survive! Don't take it personally, stand by her with love, support and understanding and you'll get through it. Good luck!

Bettina (Tina) - posted on 02/26/2010

3

3

0

Stand your ground. If you like what you wear, cook, etc... no problem. Your not there to please her. Its best to be her mother and not her friend, because the more you give the more she will take. If she knows this bothers you more then likly she will use it against you. And by the way it sounds like she is. YES it hurts and if she wants to be this way, let her do for herself, don't wash her clothes, cook for her, nothing but BE A MOM. And bing nice, is she being nice, respectful? Maybe if you stop being "NICE" she will see what you do for her and respect YOU.

Roxanne - posted on 02/26/2010

1

10

0

It will pass I promise someday she will be your best friend, My mother and I never saw anything the same when I got about 18 or 19 I realize she knew alot more than me. I'm 50 now and she has past away but I will never forget the years we had hang in there things will chance LOL

Lorena - posted on 02/26/2010

1

0

0

What a GREAT question!

First of all, I had to always remember I AM her MOM. My daughter is 18 now and are slowly heading toward friendship. But when she started at 10 & 11 with being rude and copping and attitude, I looked her square in the face and said, "I am your MOM, You will NOT talk to me that way. I deserve your respect and Honor and I do NOT treat you this way" I had to do this a few times and she learned that I won't take that attitude. I say that, but I also have had the rolled eyes and ugly looks. But keep persistent in discipline and telling them you love them, because that is what the really want, even if they don't act like it. The boundaries you set for them need to be fair and heading towards helping/guiding them to make good choices as they gain their independence.

We have had a couple of rough past 2 years and it has brought us closers as a family and my daughter has learned in a BIG way who are her allies and who has her back...her father and I.

It's really about loving them right through it. Knowing on the other side they come back to you gradually.

Peggy - posted on 02/26/2010

19

1

4

All you can do is be who you are ,she will get older and it will get better. Just keep talking but make sure she knows that you will not tolerate her treating you badly.
My daughter is 21 and we talk everyday ,she lives in another state for school. It will get better!

Chitra - posted on 02/26/2010

1

10

0

we r in same boat. don't worry be frand wth ur daughter. give her space to think whats wrong n right. she will understand bt after sometime. chill be happy.

Pajah - posted on 02/25/2010

4

1

0

I have six children, and four teenagers in my home. The way you handle their rejection of you is to understand that they are trying very hard to find their own identity. The other thing is that teenagers do not want to conform or "be like their parents". Not because of anything bad, but because they see parents as an older generation who doesn't understand them. I would say to you listen to their opinions and accept the fact that they will differ. Remember we are the "older generation" who doesn't understand them. However, always give them the right advice. Sometimes, you have to let them bump their heads.

Margie - posted on 02/25/2010

6

8

0

Honestly, this is perfectly normal. I have two daughters one 22 and one 14. Both were and are the same way. I know at times it can be hurtful, but they outgrow it. My 22 year old and I are very close now and my 14 year is going through the same stage right now. It does pass, just be patient.

Lana - posted on 02/25/2010

52

21

6

Since when was she the parent? I used to think that if I upset my children that they would hate me forever. I am here to tell you I was way wrong. I stood up to my teenage girl ! My oldest thought that I was a horrible parent because I wouldn't let her spend money I didn't have or run around town where she didn't need to be.And yes we had a horrible yelling match that ended with her calling me a *itch . Then stood right there and asked her why I was such horrible that mother that she had to say so hurtful things to the one person who no matter what she did in the world would always love her. If she didn't like my cooking then she can cook dinner the next night, driving? there is the side walk don't be late for school and be home by curfew, singing well baby you don't sing to well yourself leave the room or plug in to your own music but Idon't want to hear you singing either.Disrespectful? plan on spending time in your room or doing chores life isn't fair.
By the way, my child is now a Junior in college that she has a full tuition scholarship and she calls me Mommy!

Jacqueline - posted on 02/25/2010

14

38

0

Being a mom doesn't mean that you always have to be nice. But you should pick your battles. If you daughter disrespects you, it might be that you never made her respect you from the get go. Yes means yes, and No means no. I'm not a dictator in my home, but my kids know the rules. As my oldest gets older (16) I allow her to make some of her decisions...Does she think she should do this or that? give a little and when they fall, make sure they know that you'll be there to help them get back up. It's not "my way or the highway." If she doesn't like the way you sing, tell her to go to her room. If she doesn't like the way you drive, then she can stay home or walk. If she doens't like the food you serve, she can make the meals. They will be on their own one day very soon. Teach her that it's not easy to be a grown-up.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms