how do you manage to let your first child move out? does the pain go away?

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Penny - posted on 01/24/2010

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Hi Sandie,

I know it is hard to let go but we have to let them get out and see what the world is, My one and only ( child) daughter moved out when she graduated and then a few months she turned 18, it was hard for me at first but its getting better, but we stay in touch, we talk everday and see each other too and it was even harder because she has a baby that is 5 months old, but she is doing good and Im very proud of her, she's in college and I get to watch the baby:) Be proud and just be there for them if they need you! Good Luck!!!

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Webbie - posted on 08/10/2014

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I need help and encouragement. My son, who is 26, had always lived at home b/c he was going to school here, most of his friends lived at home and he said it was unnecessary to pay extra expenses when he lived within 15 minutes of the college. Starting in January he got an assistantship with $$ coming in every month. Without my knowledge two other students asked him to move in with them. They went as far as looking at apartments, applying for one and I found out about this through an email generated by a credit monitoring agency (he has had credit cards under our accounts and somehow that trigged the check to the agency). Turns out my husband knew this was coming but he didn't tell me either. I felt so betrayed because I thought our family communication was better than this and I have had only had 3 weeks to acclamate to this change in our family. I told both of them that anything that changes our family dynamics should have been known by everyone. Anyway, not only is it hard to face him moving out so quickly but I just feel blindsided since neither of them told me. At tmes I am ok with this but then other times I still get angry. I had anticipated having more than 3 weeks to get used to this idea. I'm not sure now whether I can believe anything that either of them tell me. Any ideas on how to (1) adjjust to this change which is happening in 6 more days and (2) re-establish the trust in what they tell me?

Yvonne - posted on 02/26/2013

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It is nice to hear others that are going through the same situation. My daughter moved to California 6 months ago and I live in Indiana. We were very close so it was extremely difficult for both of us. She is trying so hard to make it there and all I can think about is how I wish she would move closer. Of course she doesn't know that I hide it very well. But lately I am getting really depressed and will be seeing my doctor about how I am feeling. Wish that I was coping better.

Sandie - posted on 01/28/2010

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Thank you all for your words of advice and support. I have kept up the "your gonna do fine" face in front of my son, but I am still torn inside. I am glad that the pain eases. Monday will be a really hard day for me; I have to put him on that plane. I just hope to God that I have taught him everything he needs to know to be on his own.

Maryann - posted on 01/28/2010

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It will get better. He will realize that the real world is hard but we have to let them fly.

Elsie (Lori) - posted on 01/27/2010

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It wasn't hard to let the first one go, a little weepy the first week but had 4 more at home so didn't have time to miss him as much. When the last one left I felt it for longer. Got busy doing all the things I didn't have time for as long as I was taking care of 6 men.

Tammy - posted on 01/27/2010

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ugh! This is hard. My oldest has been gone for a few years and I miss him so much. He is too far away to see but maybe once a year. I think he would be making better choices if we were closer to him. He didn't actually move out till he was 24. My second left when she was 18 and made some bad choices, but she got it straightened out and is now living nearby with her hubby and 2yr old. This is good. I am dreading my 18 year old leaving. I won't know what to do with myself when I don't have anyone at the house.
The desire to have an ongoing relationship with your child will always be there and that's good especially if the kid stays in touch. It may take awhile for the pain to ease, but it will. Very hard at first. Don't fight the tears just release your hurt and you will get stronger.

Donna - posted on 01/27/2010

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Yes believe it or not the pain does go away. Of course it does depend on the circumstances of your child moving out. My daughter moved into her own apartment with her small child and her boyfriend. It was very hard because we wanted her to make it on her own. She is struggling but she has grown so much in the past few months. She is showing a lot of responsiblity. I guess she did listen after all. Good luck to you.

Donna - posted on 01/27/2010

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It has been almost seven years now since my first child moved out. It was hard to let her go but, she has grown into a wonderful, successful adult. I am very proud of her as I am of all of my kids. I am now dealing with the fact that now all of my children are now moved out. This is a very lonely thing but I know they must move on and grow. Our children growing up and moving out on their own is what we worked toward in all of our years of raising them. If they never move out, become successful independent adults then we have failed as parents.

Jennifer - posted on 01/27/2010

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i think no matter how old your children are you still worry about them going into the big wide world. i taght my sons to be independance from an early age and encouraged them,they will learn by making mistakes though,my youngers is 22,one is nearly 26,sadly my eldest passed away suddenly 10yrs ago aged 18 (he moved into a basement flat under my house but only had it for a week when he died) my 25yr old came over today and asked me to look out for a flat for him as he works and lives in a hotel! my 22yr old rents a house not far from me. they love coming for mums sunday roast!! and they're both chefs! it took me a long time to get used to them moving out. they did come home for a while but they had a taste of independance and moved out again. you adjust to it i think. but it leaves a big space in your life where you have time to do other things,then grandchildren come along!

Lynn - posted on 01/26/2010

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It does, but it takes a while! I kept wanting to go to her old bedroom and look in on her like I did every night before going to bed...but she wasn't there! So instead, I called her and told her goodnight. We talked every day, even though it was long distance (this was before we got a family plan for our cell phones). We still talk almost every day and I only live about 18 miles from her and see her every couple of weeks. Now my son (2nd child) is a different story, he moved to upstate New York and I live in central Iowa! That's really hard to take! But he texts me and calls me often even though I don't see him but maybe once or twice a year. We all miss him, but I have both my girls and all my grandchildren within a few miles from me so that helps. Keep your chin up! It does get easier!

Joy - posted on 01/25/2010

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It was hard for me when my oldest daughter that is 23 moved out. I felt empty at first and even cried at times when I went in her room. The same thing happened when my 21 year old daughter got married. Her and I were so close and all of the sudden she was gone and had her own life. I became a public school teacher and began to work with kids. I love it it fills that void I felt. You need to begin to concentrate on yourself now and your gifts and things you enjoy doing. Maybe you could go visit at a nursing home or assist at a school or volunteer or maybe you already have a job, just do something that you feel fulfilled in.

Sandie - posted on 01/25/2010

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I am trying to think positively about this whole thing. I know that he is a very smart young man and I will ALWAYS have an open door to him. Thanks for all your support. I really don't have anyone to help me through this but all of you.

Marie - posted on 01/25/2010

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Hi Sandie..I know how you feel and its hurts to be away from your children ,but you have to accept it..we parents know that one day they are going to have their own life and have a family of their own...but they are still there...I t happened to me also when my eldest daughter got married ..Its hard at first.. but,as the days months and years goes by...it will be getting better...and hope you to can get use to it...they are still there with you ...just keep in touch and be proud that your a MOM...Take care and have a good day!

Donna - posted on 01/25/2010

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It's hard at first, but trust you raised your children well and strong. Be a part of the move. Talk to your parents, how was it for them, when you moved out. I'm 52. All my kids are grown, with kids of there own. I love this time of my life. You visit your kids , have lunch or dinner with them. It's great to watch them grow on their own.

MaryKay - posted on 01/24/2010

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I had the opposite problem with our eldest who just moved out a year ago last fall when he was 23---he's still no where near independant, as we're giving him a free apt in the building we manage and he's living on school loans....Our second son, who's 21, could have left home at 16 and been independant. He goes to school near-by but I hardly ever see him. I don't know if that pain will ever diminish! I love and miss him so much, but he'd rather be with friends than family. I keep praying that we'll be able to be close again. I cried when my 3rd son left for college last fall, but he's back now and looking for a job as he just doesn't seem to know how to study! He plans to go to tech school next fall. We're very close and a lot alike...we understand each other! I can't bear to have any of them go far away! Our youngest, 16, is a Jr and looking at college possibliities. I don't know what I'll do without him around! He's an amazing son, brother and friend...an over-achiever, A student and his excellent friends are over so often...I hate the thot of him leaving, but it's part of life. I know he and I will always be close, tho. Well, don't know if that helped, but at least you know you're not alone in how you feel! I'll be praying for you! MKG

Margaret - posted on 01/24/2010

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My oldest graduate, join the Navy, and moved out all in the same year. Believe me I know how you feel. I worried alot and prayed alot but I didn't lose it until 9-11 hit. He was one month of getting out of the Navy. It will be Okay. Just remember to breath, believe, and that they can always come home when and if things go wrong. Mother of two grown son and a 3 year old grandson.

Sandie - posted on 01/24/2010

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Thank you so much for your encouragement. My house is starting to fill up with his future furniture. So many people have been very gracious to give him things to start out with. Some of it is MUCH better than I started with. I have one week with him left, I am making the most of it.

Toni - posted on 01/23/2010

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Hi Sandie, my eldest son moved out of home when he was 18. He had finished yr 12 at high school, got his HSC & had a job. He rented a house with good friends & he and I bought secondhand furniture at auctions for the place. I was so sad but trusted him to have the confidence in his decision. I told him so many times if it doesn't work out you can come back home, that never happened though. We keep in touch so often with visits, phone, sms. He often asks advice about things and I do my best to help.
He is now 21 and bought his own home 4 months ago, I am so proud of him. He has taken on a huge responsibility but he knows that I'm always here to help with anything I can and the door is always open if things go bad and he needs to come back to Mum.
It is so very hard letting go but it gets easier as you see them being the responsible adult that you raised from a baby, it makes you feel proud.
Just keep in touch and let he/she know that you will always be there if it doesn't work out.
Good luck to you and your child.
(next comes the wife & kids...aarh, that will be scary!!)

Carol - posted on 01/20/2010

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Hi Sandie

My situation is a wee bit different, i moved out of my flat after I bought a new house with plans to rent it out when my daughter dropped a bombshell...she would like to stay behind and live in the flat with her fiance. At first I found things really strange especially because i am now in a house with 3 sons and hubby. I have a fantastic relationship with my daughter, she visits most days on her way home from work and we go to keep fit classes together. Dont look at it as managing to let go.... look at it as a job well done as a parent if your child is now able to stand on their own to feet, not pain or sadness, happiness for them.. Be proud of ur achievement xx

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