I am 42, recently remarried, my husband is ready for a baby

Valerie - posted on 05/12/2010 ( 48 moms have responded )

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I have two children, 18 and 17. My new husband does not have children and this conversation has been in the back of our minds for about a year before we were married.

My question is for anyone else that has been in my shoes. How do you tell your almost adult children that you are starting all over again? Do you feel like the Grandmother in a class or the Mother? I don't feel 42, very active, fit, look younger, but there are the questions.

Thanks in advance.

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Sumitra - posted on 11/19/2013

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I AM SUMITRA AGE 40 HAVING MARRIED IN 1991 IN MY EARLY 18. I AM THE ELDER GIRL IN MY FAMILY . I HAVE 3 YOUNGER SISTERS AND ONE BROTHER. DUE TO POOR AND POVERTY IN MY FAMILY MY FATHER AND MOTHER CHOSE A OLD MAN OF 58 WHOSE FIRST WIFE IS DEAD ON 1990.HAVING 4 CHILDREN 2 DAUGHTER AND 2 SONS. SO I BECAME SECOND WIFE OF THAT OLD MAN. ON JULY 1991 I GOT MARRIED. I GOT TWO DAUGHTERS FROM MY OLD HUSBAND. AFTER 5 TH YEARS OF MY MARRIED I NEVER SEX SATISFIED FROM MY OLD HUSBAND. DUE TO FAMILY PROBLAME MY OLD HUSBAND MY OLD HUSBAND DIVORCE ME ON 2000 . THERE AFTER I AM SEPARATE WITH MY TWO CHILRENS. LAST 2 YEARS ON JAN 2011 I LOVE A MAN OF 37 WHO IS 3 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME. WE TALK,LOVE AND MADE SEX RELATION . HE AGERY TO MARRIED ME .SO ON 24 OF SEP 2011 I GOT MARRIED. I AM ALSO GET A BOY CHILD FROM MY SECOND HUSBAND. LAST JANUARY 2013. NOW IAM HAPPY WITH MY NEW YOUNG HUSBAND. EVERY DAY HE SEX 2 TO 3 TIMES HE SEX ME. I AM MUCH SATISFIED NOW..

Kit - posted on 05/26/2010

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I have not been in your shoes, however I know a friend that was in your situation...and had two older children and had a baby because her second husband wanted one.......the novelty wore off and she was a very tired older mom......while dad was out playing........40s are young....as long as you are ok to have children home until you retire.........good luck.....but do it for you....not just for him.....

Dorraine - posted on 05/26/2010

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Go for it; I was almost 43 when I had my one and only child (unexpected)...she will be 2 on Friday and have not had ONE person ask me if she was my grand-daughter!

Donna - posted on 05/25/2010

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I have 4 older children, 29, 23, 21, and a 20 year old. I remarried a man that didnt have any children, had my tubed untied and we have a beutiful daughter who is now 7. My other children are great with it and I dont know what I would do without her. I love taking her and my grandchildren places, people look so confused. Its great and dont miss out on that if it is what you want to do!! Dont let people tell you what is best for you and dont think about your age, if it was meant to be it will happen! God Bless!!

Denise - posted on 05/23/2010

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Hi congratulations my cousin was in the similar position to you she had a 20yr old and an 18 year old from her first marriage and when she married again and her new husband wanted children and she was 40yrs old. they now have 2 little ones a girl 21/5 and a boy 6 months she is loving it but it is hard work and she gets tired. she says its great because she is older and wiser and not making the mistakes she made with her other 2 children. I think if your health is good and you don't have an issue with sleep deprivation why not. I would have love to have an other baby but my health made that imposible

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Helen - posted on 11/24/2013

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My husband and I are both 45, and our sons are 4 (5 in Feb) and 2 (3 in April). I never thought I would find someone to have children with, and neither did he, so to say they are precious is an understatement!
Neither of us have older children, so don't have that angle to deal with, but I would say that you know more about what's in store than we did, so go for it!

Enjoy :)

Deborah - posted on 05/26/2010

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Valerie,

I am now 47, but married my husband 6 years ago. I have 3 children. Nick is now 26, Allison is 22 and Sarah is 15. My husband does not have any children so when we got married we decided we would have at least one, so he would get to experience parenthood first hand. I miscarried twice and we both decided that enough is enough and did not get to bless him with one of his own. Anyway, I told my older son that I was pregnant and the baby would have been 19 years younger then him, almost like it would have been his child instead of being a much older big brother. No one seemed to mind in my family. They were all thrilled when I told them I was pregnant. My youngest did not grow up with her brother or sister and she would get to at least share a part of growing up with this one. I just sat them down and told them and it was awesome. They will understand and support you because afterall your Mom.

Deborah

Julie - posted on 05/26/2010

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Hi.....well been there, done that! I was 42 when my daughter was born, my husband 44. She is his 1st child and my second...my eldest was 17 at the time. My eldest was very happy for us and was looking forward to being a big sister, even though I lived overseas at the time. Yes, you will notice you are the older parents when your child starts school, but that doesn't matter. The friends they make are more important to your child than you are....hahaha. I believe if you are meant to have a child together, it will happen. We had discussed it prior to our marriage and were in agreeance that if it was meant to be, it would happen and 10 months after we were married, our daughter was born. Good luck with your decision and I wish you all the best.

Cathy - posted on 05/25/2010

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I had my first child at 40 and second at 42. No one looked at me strange and they were pregnancies no different from a 20 year old except my second had a cleft palate. Minor birth defect that can happen at any age. I had more patience and celebrated each milestone with them. My girls are 6 and 8 now and at 49 biologically I couldn't have another but would happily adopt a third. Have a baby. Celebrate life in all it's phases. An inner strength will see you through any challenge. Good luck.

Dina - posted on 05/24/2010

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I am in your exact shoes - almost! I am 44, have a 21 year old son from my first marriage, and got remarried last year. My husband didn't have any children either. We now have a one year old daughter! My son turned 21 on May 10th and my daughter turned 1 on May 20th! I don't worry too much about being an older mom when she will be in school, since there are alot of people having kids later in life. However, it wasn't easy on my body. I went through some very difficult times, very high blood pressure, body holding alot of fluid/water in my legs, ended up with blood clots in my lungs and in my left arm. Just stay active and keep up with your doctor appointments. Just know that it was a hard decision to start over, but she is the most adorable, good baby! She was 5 weeks early, but has been healthy and happy and my son, her BIG brother, adores her! Good luck with whatever decision you make!

[deleted account]

Not a problem, mine were 15 and 18 when I had my now 9 year old at 42. They adore him, and at school although it was strange starting all over again its opened up a whole new bunch of friends, the funniest is being up there with my daughters friends with their children. As long as no medical reasons not to then go for it, must admit my body suffered a bit but worth it, good luck x

Louise - posted on 05/23/2010

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well i remarried my first husband passed away and my new husband and i cant have children as i had a histerectomy if i could have my husbands children i would my boys would just have to understand there comes a time in your life when u have to think of yourself trust me when i say just go for it i would give anything to have my husbands baby, so just go for it its your life now the other kids will understand ,

Judith - posted on 05/23/2010

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hi i am 46yrs now, n i had x3 girls to my previous marriage , got married 4yrs in july n had a baby, very prem,,27wks preg, 2lb 2,,,,there is 18 yrs between my youngest n megan, n we are trying for another its great,,forget everybody else if you are happy go for it hun, megan is n early 4yrs old in july, n i love it i akso have my middle daughter still living with us and i,m a grandma, its brilliant,,go for it,,gd luck

Cyndie - posted on 05/22/2010

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Do it. For yourself and for your husband. I remarried late in life to a wonderful man with no children (never been married). My children were just starting their teenage years. Had I been able to have more children, it would've made everyone's life a lot easier. Not only will your husband be able to go through those wonderful years with a baby, but he will also be able to see what YOU see in your older children. My children would have LOVED to have another little baby in their lives. You are definitely NOT too old and you've probably heard the saying "I wish I could've had my grandkids first!", well there's a lot of truth in being able to enjoy those little babies when you are slightly more mature. Good luck....and Congratulations!
Cyndie Olsen

Maha - posted on 05/22/2010

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Hi Valerie
I ahd my third child ( a girl after two boys) and a 9 and 12 year age gap at 46 years of age..conceived naturally and birthed at hoem in the water..they ADORE their sister like we all do....yes the broken sleep is a challenge and the 24/7 again but WORTH EVERY moment..
love to u
maha
www.bellydanceforbirth.com

Christie - posted on 05/21/2010

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The way i feel is that it is yalls decision, and leaving it to Gods will you will not go wrong..

Kerri - posted on 05/21/2010

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My children are 20, 13 and 14months. Number 4 is on the way. This is a second family for both of us. I will admit I have far less energy but we enjoy them so very much more. As far as age. I will be 42 in July. I don't grt the strange looks but most people assume the little one is my 13 year olds son. You will be fine!!

Beverly - posted on 05/21/2010

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You should feel like the mother here. If you and your husband feel comfortable with it then so should everyone else. You say your health is good so go for it. Good Luck!!!!

Debbie - posted on 05/21/2010

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But, you're NOT starting over! You are continuing and whether or not they take the news good or bad, it's a fact of life. Of course, they're going to feel a little resentful at first, but with time, that will pass. Live life one day at a time. As with ANY situation, there will be "moments."

I'm part of a "second batch" myself.

Angel - posted on 05/21/2010

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Hi Valerie. It's a very personal decision, but you're not alone. I had my children at 41 and 44. I run a support website and blog for women having children after 40. Many of them are on second families. I think your question of how to tell your grown up children is a good one. If you'd like to participate in a blog story, I'd be happy to interview some therapists and other moms who've done it and cover the topic. The site also has an online networking group and you could put your question out there. Please feel welcome to visit at: http://www.flowerpowermom.com. Good luck! Angel

April - posted on 05/21/2010

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I am in my 2nd marriage and don't have any children from my first marriage but I was already 45 when I delivered my first child. I too look pretty young for my age but I worry that I will not be there for my son when he is still in his teens. He will only be 15 when I am 60...

Lesley - posted on 05/20/2010

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i feel that if your children love you .... they will be pleased for you and your new husband !!! you have bought them up, they have their lives ...... you have to do whats best for you ....... im 42 this year and have an active 3yr ol(unfortunatley not with the father any more .... but she makes/is my life !!) my advise ..... go for it lol xxxxx lesley

Teresa - posted on 05/20/2010

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Also, we're adopting our second child now so obviously the age thing isn't bothering me much at all!

Teresa - posted on 05/20/2010

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Well, I became a mom for the first time just before my 40th birthday so I can't answer the question about your older children. I do have a friend who has a 2 year old and a 23 year old and the older daughter has been thrilled and in love with the idea of a baby sister from the beginning.

I can say that being an older Mom has its challenges but I think it has its definite benefits too. I think I'm more patient now but I might get a little tired faster. I had a tough pregnancy too and ended up with HELLP syndrome (my mom had it with me and she was only 20 so I don't know how much age plays in that). I have been asked if my son was my grandchild but I just don't let it bother me (I don't look exactly my age either).

I think if you're open with your older kids then either they'll be for it or you can help them come to at least accept it. Once the baby's here they'll be in love. Enjoy motherhood this time around!

Anita - posted on 05/20/2010

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Valerie, I have to comment on this one. My grandmother was still having children when her children were. I have an uncle and two aunts younger than me. I, myself, had my 2nd son at age 35. If I could have had another baby, I would have. When it comes to what your children think, don't put too much thought into. Tell them, they may think its cool but if not its your life. Live girl!

Sherry - posted on 05/20/2010

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Hi Valerie, I am 42 and the mother of a 2 and 4 year old and could not be happier that I did it at this age. Living in Chicago and going to Northwestern Memorial downton, I was amazed at the waiting room at my OB office. It was rare that I saw anyone under 38 in there. I felt like I was so old, but realized that many women are waiting or in your case going for it again. Your older children will probably love it, and I really don't feel older than all of the other mom's in mom's and tots classes. I say go for it! You'll love it.

Pen - posted on 05/20/2010

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I was a first time mom at 45 (adoption). I got the grandma questions at first, and am older than most everyone in his class except a few dads. Our son is almost 10 now and we are doing our best to keep up. We love being older parents. It is almost like we are reliving our youth!

Doreen - posted on 05/20/2010

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My husband and I joke that everyone will think we're the Grandparents at our daughter's high school graduation. But who cares! Having kids in your 40s is becoming more common. Your older children will be a big help to their little sibling, and you'll have more patience with a baby! Anyone kids from a previous marriage that I know from a previous marriage are thrilled at the addition. Plus, it teaches them about all the hard work with having kids, so they'll be better prepared when they make you a grandma.

Good luck!

Britt - posted on 05/20/2010

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Hi--My name is Britt, and I also 'started over' at the age of 37....my oldest child would now be 22...he passed away in 2007.....my other son is 21, and my two little girls from this marriage are 8 & 5. (I am 45 years old, and my grandson, born 4 months after my oldest child passed away, wil be 3 in July.)
My boys both took it in stride when I had their baby sisters, though I think they thought it a bit 'icky' because they were only 13 & 14 when their first sister was born......best of luck to you!

Mina - posted on 05/19/2010

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i agree also ms valerie, go on and its UNEXPLAINABLE feeling to have a new baby...go GIRL!!! we are in the same boat!!!

Laura - posted on 05/19/2010

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I personally feel that you should go with your gut feeling & do what makes you & your husband happy. I had my 2nd child at 41 and had a son age 16 from my first marriage at the time. I too, like you look younger & am active. I actually have some younger mothers look up to me & ask me for advice. I've also met more mothers lately that are having kids in their 40's. I found this time around I was more patient & enjoyed being a mother better. If you're going to try to get pregnant though I would go for it soon since it's so much harder as you get older. Good luck & think positive!

Cheryl - posted on 05/18/2010

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Girl, do what makes YOU happy. Praying also helps.



I'm 42 ( I think?) and our kids are 6 & 3.

I use to feel like the oldest & the odd ball.

Now, I'm proud to "just be a mom"!



What ever your decision is, know that pregnancy will be different. (as they all are) The Dr. will insist on multiple test. And you will constantly be reminded of your age. It's all to cover their bottoms...not yours. They mean well.



Our kids act crazy, but they're just happy. I love that!

It's not the money (cuz we don't have any) it's the time we spend with them. We value them so much. I think that just comes with age & wisdom...



Hope you and your husband have a wonderful time whatever you decide.

God Bless,

Cheryl

San Antonio, TX

Mary - posted on 05/18/2010

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you learn for your mistake with your first two. you know what to do with your child

Desiree - posted on 05/18/2010

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I forgot to tell you, my children love their little siblings. My young children love their nieces & nephews who are 9 (we got this one when she was 4), 5, 3, 2, & 1.

Desiree - posted on 05/18/2010

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I didn't tell my children that I was starting over. They didn't like that I was dating, but so were they, had moved out when I was pregnant. They all attended the wedding. My older children range between 12-25 years older than my babies who are now 10, 8, 6. I am 52. Not many people realize that I am in my 50's--so they say... Who cares any way. God blessed you with children. He's the only one who matters.

Renee - posted on 05/18/2010

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Lol....I had my 9 yr old when I was 42. Of course, it's scary cause they run all the genetic tests because of your age...but it was worth it. My oldest was 21 and my youngest was 17. It was an easy pregnancy and he was my biggest baby at 8 pounds. I'll be honest with you, it can be trying at times, but he is the love of my life and I wouldn't change a thing. Good luck!!

Judy - posted on 05/18/2010

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Hey Valerie,
Dont despair...go ahead and have your baby...its verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry possible..

Hanny - posted on 05/17/2010

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Hey Valerie, When I had my oldest son at 33, almost 34, I was sometimes asked if it wasn't more fun now, with a grandchild.....When I had my youngest child I had just turned 43. I got a lot of down syndrom stories and similar things during my pregnancy. So much so, I didn't get out of the car anymore to pick up my oldest son. There is not a single thing wrong with him. Placing yourself in a little cubicle of what people will say about you and determine who you are, is not going to make you enjoy anything. I am their mother. Our relationship is the only one that counts. When we have fun at the playground, when I help in school, etc. I honestly don't care what they say....just that my children know I do it for them, 'cause I love them and that's all that matters. So what if someone thinks I am too old? Some are too young, some are single, some are too poor, some are.....blabla. No matter what my age, I am their mommy, the only 1 they have and we are having a blast so far! Also, I feel it is a decision you and your husband are making. Once the decision is made, one way or another, you discuss it with your other children. This is not a decision you want to involve your other kids in. Discuss the response, consequenses, yes. You and your husband would have to raise this new baby, after all. Ofcourse it will affect their lives, (most definetely while they are still living at home) but....should these affects possibly completely rule out a wish you and your husband are having? I wish you good luck on making your choice!

Deidra - posted on 05/16/2010

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After a twenty year marriage and two children, a girl and a boy, I remarried a younger man that had no children but wanted to start a family. So at 41, I had my third and she was born on my son's 18th birthday. My eldest, had her son the year before so my youngest daughter is the aunt to a boy who is a year older. They all get along great.

My only regret was that my second husband and I divorced after ten years when he fell in love with some one who was his own age. It crushed me and it has been very hard financially to raise my daughter as a single mom even though her father shares custody. I wouldn't change my decision to have her, but it's been tough.

She is a wonderful child and her older siblings adore her as well. Because of my experience, I have cherished every age and every stage she has gone through. And laughed a lot at her dad who is a first time father, remembering my own fears of the unknown as a new mother.

The only thing I would recommend is a pre-birth contract that guarantees a certain amount of income for yourself if you should end up divorced before you finish raising the child. I was too proud to fight for alimony and got very little child support here in Florida. Yet, I will be near 60 when she graduates and financially drained with little put back for myself by that point in life which is not good. If I had been smart, I would have kept my legs crossed and said not unless you are willing to take more of the future financial burden. In writing!

Good luck and many blessings!

Cheryl - posted on 05/16/2010

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Hi Valerie,
I remarried when my daughters were 14 and 11. My husband and I tried for several years to get pregnant and finally were able to conceive when I was 39 (my girls were 21 & 18). The girls were very excited, of course they knew we had been trying for years. My youngest was graduating high school that year, so I was worried about missing her graduation!
My daughter's graduation was May 17th, went off without a hitch. We returned home at midnight and at 2 am my water broke!!! My son was born on May 18th. He will be 3 on Tuesday and is the center of our universe!!
The next year my oldest daughter became pregnant, so now I am a Grandma to a 1 1/2 year old and my son is an uncle! The kids are very close and love to spend time playing!
I am not sure the easiest way to tell your children you are planning to have another baby, but I wouldn't put it off, sometimes it can be very difficult to conceive later!
If your experience is anything like mine, it will be the best one you have ever had!!!

Jennifer - posted on 05/16/2010

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Hi Valerie, I had 4 children from a previous 17 yr marriage,when i met my 2nd husband he also didnt have children!!! at this time my eldest was 19,17,13 and 11 when i fell pregnant with my number 5 i did miscarriage and my children were so supportive and comforting to me.About 6 months later i fell pregnant again and we were all very excited and i went on to have a healthy baby girl she is now 4 and all my children couldnt imagine life without her....I was 38 when i had her...so good luck to you and it is really up to you and your hubby what u do....Jenny

Monica - posted on 05/15/2010

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Hi Valerie, I had my daughter when I was 20 and my son when I was 42. What an amazing experience it was. It wasn't like starting over, it was having another chance at life! What a beautiful gift I was given. I remarried when I was 39 to a man 9 years younger, never thinking we were going to have children. Then one day it all changed. From the moment I found out, it was so exciting. I didn't tell my daughter that I was starting over, I just told her she was having another baby. She was so happy! She had always wanted a brother or sister.



I want to tell you that having another child later in life is such a different experience. When I had my daughter, I was young and she was my baby doll. Always wanting to dress her up and hold her. It was a very fun time in my life. But when I had my son, it was so different. Because I realized how valuable every moment was with my son. We tend to take things for granted when we are younger and believe we have forever. It's not until we get older that we realize how quickly our lifes are passing.



Don't let the experience go by because of how you feel people may conceive you. Live for you. Yes, there has been a couple times when I have felt like a grandmother. But more often then not I feel like a mother and I am treated like a mother by all my sons friends and their families.



I am now 57 married to a man 48, a son who is 15 and a daughter who is 37. I have two beautiful grand daughters 14 and 10. I wouldn't trade my life for the world!



By the way my oldest grand daughter was born during my sons 1st birthday! My son and his nieces are very close.



I am so blessed to have such a beautiful family.



I hope this has helped.



Monica

Nancy - posted on 05/15/2010

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I had Mason when I was 42 and would not change a thing. i got married at 40 and my husband was 42 so w knew if w wanted child it had to be know. Mason was born at 28 weeks and weighed 2 lbs and 10 oz. and 15 inches long and we stayed in NICU for 43 days and then we brought him home and life is even better. Me and my husband have more patience with him. So if your Dr. gives you the OK then go for it and have the time of your life.

God Bless,

Nancy

Kelli - posted on 05/14/2010

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If your doctor feels it safe for you go for it. It seems like more people are just now having their first children. My co-worker is 42 and having her second.

Jen - posted on 05/14/2010

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Forty two is so young!!!! Have your baby and enjoy her more than when you were a young mom! For you've walked, run, skipped, jumped and danced womanhood to this moment! Congrats!

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I don't have older children, but at 43 I have a almost 1 year old daughter. I too, don't look my age and was very fit when I found out I was pregnant (she was not planned, but so welcome!). I have much more patience now, more secure emotionally and financially and she is the joy of my life. You will be AMAZED at how many women our age are doing this, it isn't like even 10 years ago when it was rare. Women over 40 are one of the fastest growing groups of new moms. If you are ready go for it! There is so much more testing and support for mothers of "advanced maternal age" (LOL!), I was very supported by all my doctors. It's scary at times because of the higher risk percentage wise, but well worth it. Good luck!

Tiffany - posted on 05/13/2010

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Valerie, you might be surprised to discover that your kids are delighted to have a baby in the family--all the fun without any of the responsibility of having kids is a good deal at that age. My teenage daughter often suggests that I have another child!

I'd be very careful with your language, though. You said here "starting all over again", and though I'm sure it's not at all what you meant, that sounds a bit like the old family is over and you're starting a new one in its place. Of course that's not what's happening--make sure your kids know that you're adding someone to your already wonderful family and not beginning a new one.

Netty - posted on 05/12/2010

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Hi Valerie I am the youngest girl of 16 children.My Dad was 17 yrs older then my mom ..She was in her late 4o's and my sister was pregnant the same time as her mom.. Means i am the Aunt but the girl born to my sister is half yr.older then i am.. There are all kinds of Scenarios.. My brother's two sons were 16 &17 then had a daughter ..only regrets she got spoiled & they should have had one more!!YOurs is UNIQUE!! Enjoy it as they will too!!.. Make sure just raise your child for HIM.{ JESUS}. My brother &wife had a child in mid 40's & LOVE it!! Take care Val ..Love ya....IN Christ Netty

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