I have an adopted daughter, at what age do I tell her she is adopted?

Tammy - posted on 08/12/2009 ( 133 moms have responded )

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I have 2 grown daughters and a 19 year old son. We were asked to adopt a beautiful little girl when she was just 1yr old by a friend of my daughter. I took 2 yrs but the adoption went through. Her bio mom asks us not to tell her, I have friends who told their children and they now have behavioral problems. I dont know what to do. So if u can give ur opinions I would love to hear them.

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Stephanie - posted on 10/11/2013

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You did a wonderful thing! And I'm sure it will come with many obsticles. But I do believe you talk about it from an early age. Don't treat it like there is something wrong with it. My gf has adopted all her children and celebrates a Gotcha Day with them.. You answer questions as they come on a age appropirate level. And always let her know she is loved, wanted and that you will keep her! No need to give her the negative info at a young age but I wouldn't lie to her eventullay it will all come out and you are starting off doing the right thing,, Some kids have behavioral issue even if they are not adopted you can't always blame it on that. It could of been the way they were told or treatment they get. They may have that feeling of being rejected again. There are so many issues and reasons any child acts out. You should reach out to your primary doctor and ask for advice on how/when to tell a child and how to reassure them after that you will not abandon them too.. Best of luck to you and your family.

Anne - posted on 10/31/2011

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This shouldn'y even be a question. You absolutely tell a child she is adopted. Best way is to start with some children's books about adopted kids (search on Amazon and you will find some). Read the book and make a little comment such as, "Oh, look, this little girl is adopted, just like you." Don't sit down with a planned speech, just drop little one-liners very casually and answer questions as they come up. I have 3 kids by birth and 3 by adoption, so I speak from experience.

Tamara R - posted on 10/11/2011

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Shame on your friends. I would have to question why they told their children in the first place and then omit these "friends" from your daughter's life.
I am a believer that the right time will come and hopefully later then sooner. If she does begin to ask questions soon one of the best answers you can give her is that you chose her for your daughter. That her "biological Mom" could not take proper care of her and thus you chose to adopt her to be your very own little girl.
Positive reinforcement given to children make them feel even better. You can not protect her for forever and kids have big mouths. When the time comes tell her the truth as outlayed above. And, then tell her how much you love her and will be forever grateful for having this chance to have her as your very own daughter.
Good luck, God Bless and we'll keep our fingers crossed that you can have this discussion in her later teens...

Sandra - posted on 11/14/2011

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I was adopted as a baby and I never knew who my biological parents are. I read the reports when I was a teenager and asking questions. After learning the bio parents were abusing other children, I have had no desire to know any more. My husband and I have raised two children and then we adopted our granddaughter, Andrea. Andrea belongs to my son but he is not able to take care of her as he is under the care of Corrections Dept at this time. Andrea came to us when she was 20 months old. The bio mom is into illegal drugs and alcohol and moves from "boyfriend to boyfriend" very frequently. As far as telling Andrea she is addopted, we told her from the beginning. After her biomom abandoned her, we took her in and raised her as our own. Eventually, we adopted her at age 5. We celebrate adoption days, both Andrea and myself. On her own, she has put the legal names of relatives in the proper order. Her bio dad is now her brother, Ryan and my other daughter went from being Aunt Chris to sister Chris. At this point, the biomom has broken all ties with us. I would prefer it that way as she has not changed, she is still in drugs, alcohol and boyfriends. Andrea is loved and special and she knows it. She is also special needs due to the meth during pregnancy and we deal with that on a daily basis. Andrea is now 8 and doing well. She never asks about her biomom but we have saved the few letters and cards from her mom as weell as all the investigative work during the adoption. We also keep notes on the biomom when she contacts us.

In my opinion, remember that you are the parent now. The biomom is just that and not the parent anymore. The judge took care of that. Do what feels best to you. In our house, we felt she needed to know. She loves being able to celebrate her adoption day with her friends. Good luck to you.

Sharon - posted on 11/03/2011

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Here's what I do with both my adopted children. We have done this every year since we have had them. We celebrate their GOTHCA day. The day we went to court and they officially became ours. We have a gotcha cake for them, they get a gift and we retell the story of how they came to be part of our family. My kids even at 17 and 12 still love gotcha day and will remind us when it is coming up. We let them know how we prayed for each of them, and that God made us all a family. We are so blessed and grateful for these beautiful gifts that God had given us.

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Shannon - posted on 02/24/2014

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well my child is being adopted just because i have depression and i can defiantly look after her and adopted pearants dont love my child because i love her so never tell her that her mother cant look after her because some of them can and real mums do love there child ok

Danielle - posted on 10/08/2013

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I am an (adoptive) momma of two wonderful children. My son is almost 5 and my daughter is about to turn 1. My son has known his story his whole life. He knows both he and his sister are adopted. He ask questions occasionally, and my husband and I answer them as best we can. I know the questions will get harder as he gets older, but the deserves to know the truth about where he came from. I know things will get harder as we have no contact with his birth parents (their choice, not ours) and we do recieve letters for our daughter from her birth dad and he will want to know why.

Debi - posted on 10/07/2013

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I adopted my 3rd child at birth. We used the word adopted regularly before we told him so that it didn't seem like a "bad" word, or scary. When we told him, we explained that his bio mother loved him so much, but had no money ,so she found us and we wanted him so much that she gave us the best gift...HIM.

SANDRA - posted on 09/26/2013

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Please do tell her. I feel that age 4 is a good time to explain. Withholding their life information from them will cause distrust because the truth will surface one day and it can surface in a so much better way. Not telling her will get her stuck, she must have a grasp of what happened in the past in order to move forward. Be honest with your child. Tell her.

I am not sure what age your friend told her child/children, but do not wait until they are older. Do it as soon as they can grasp. I think age 4 is good. The behavior issues come from not knowing earlier on. I was a child that didn't get told earlier on.

Janet - posted on 11/05/2011

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Dear Tammy, I was adopted and my parents told me when I started asking question at around 9-10 years old.. I started asking question because friends of mine at school asked me why I didn't look like my brothers or my parents. I believe when your child starts asking these types of questions is when you should tell her that she is adopted and coming from experience if she asks to find her biological parents don't stop her or make her feel that she is betraying you or make her feel guilty for wanting to know where she came from. Just the opinion of an adopted child

Michelle - posted on 11/04/2011

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My parents did that with me - I got a present on what you call the "gotcha day" - it was great :-)

Michelle - posted on 11/02/2011

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I was adopted, as was my brother before me. We were told by our parents as soon as we were old enough to understand and to help us understand we were each given a book called "Mr Fairweather and his Family" which is, obviously, all about adoption. To be honest, I've no idea how old I was when I was told, I just remember always knowing. I am pleased I was told so young. A friend of mine found out when she was a teenager and had a really hard time dealing with it. I can understand why her bio mum wouldn't want you to tell her but, in my opinion, I don't think you should hide the fact as it would be so much worse if she found out later.

Gitte - posted on 11/02/2011

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We have 2 adopted children. When they were about 3 years old, we talked to them abut where they were from and that I carried them in my heart, waiting to take them home. They were 6 and 7 md old when we brought them home from Guatemala. Now, its no big deal for them.

Nancy - posted on 10/31/2011

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as an adopted daughter, I new my whole life. I was glad that I did not find out from someone else. Do you want this little girl to grow up, and find out that all you have done for her was over showed by a lie. I always new, my mother would rock me and say her little adopted baby girl a gift from God. I was loved by them and by God! We have also adopted 6 kids, They all know that they to were a gift from God. They just came to us in a very different way. Please think of your life to come with her. I love my kids as I do the 3 that I gave birth to. At some point she will ask what does adopted mean. If the birth mom does not want you to tell her, don't tell her name. You will have to deal with that latter on. Have her go to the adoption group, if your state is open. And make her wait untill 21. It will all fall into place... But don't worry about it... Love her and move on...

Mary Anne - posted on 10/18/2011

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I am adopted and I never knew of a time I did not know. It was all in the delivery. It was not played up as anything but I had new parents that loved and cared for me. I have no issues and I respect my parents for their honesty.

Karen - posted on 10/18/2011

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I was adopted and I have given two boys up for adoption. I also would love to adopt one day. I do have a daughter with my husband . I would tell your daughter now there are books you could read and as long as she know she is loved you will be o.k. I acted out when I was younger but that was also because I was lied to and we did not talk about my adoption . If you are open and make it a subject that is always open you will be fine, the birthmother may some day want to tell or let her know that could be even harder if she does not already know. In todays society adoption is not a bad thing more and more children are adopted or known to be adopted. It should never be hidden or not talked about.

Michelle - posted on 10/15/2011

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There is all kind advice on here! Well I hope one of helped you with your decision. It's a tough one. But everyone has a great point though!

Michelle - posted on 10/15/2011

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I am thinking if I were in your shoes right now I would not not tell her. And this is why. You guys are her parents. She has a mommy and daddy! I would totally understand if you told her she started acting out. I mean she would not understand. You could explain it to her until you are blue in the face she still would not understand. Youi might just wait until she is more mature. You know your daughter better than anyone else. So just tell her when you think she is ready. You might need to take to some counseling. Make sure she knows you love her and she is a beautiful little girl and that she can come talk to you anytime she needs to talk. I will tell though I would not think she would be ready to know this until she is quiet abit older because it is very hard for little kids to understand to understand something like this. Because they have all kinds of thoughts going through their heads like why didn't mom or dad want, why did they leave me, that they were not loved and stuff like this is alot for a child to handle so please do have some professional counseling available. Hope this helps.

Michelle - posted on 10/15/2011

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I am thinking if I were in your shoes right now I would not not tell her. And this is why. You guys are her parents. She has a mommy and daddy! I would totally understand if you told her she started acting out. I mean she would not understand. You could explain it to her until you are blue in the face she still would not understand. Youi might just wait until she is more mature. You know your daughter better than anyone else. So just tell her when you think she is ready. You might need to take to some counseling. Make sure she knows you love her and she is a beautiful little girl and that she can come talk to you anytime she needs to talk. I will tell though I would not think she would be ready to know this until she is quiet abit older because it is very hard for little kids to understand to understand something like this. Because they have all kinds of thoughts going through their heads like why didn't mom or dad want, why did they leave me, that they were not loved and stuff like this is alot for a child to handle so please do have some professional counseling available. Hope this helps.

Kerry - posted on 10/11/2011

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Always tell your children the truth as much as you possibly can. nothing good ever comes from deceiving someone xx

Melissa - posted on 10/10/2011

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sounds to me like everyone seems to be respecting the bio mom's wishes more than what is good and healthy for the daughter. This is a tough one because with the bio mom being in the picture it makes it almost impossible for the daughter to have a healthy understanding... sounds like the bio mom is a being a bit selfish in all of this! just my opinion and probably not everyone's!

Tammy - posted on 10/10/2011

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Hi Tammy, my name is also Tammy and I have a 3 grown children and one 11 year old daughter whom I adopted when she was 1. My situation is very strange because the adoption was a in family adoption. By birth Lizzie would be my great niece. When she was a toddler she knew and called her BM mom, the longer she lived with us she started calling me mama. The BM had a problem with that because she started calling Heidi (BM) by her name and not mom. She tried to make her stop but I put my foot down and told her she should be happy she is even allowed to see her so she will deal with what lizzie calls her or she won't see her. I struggled for years about telling Lizzie about the adoption because she had blocked all memories of the past before her adoption.. In 2008 I had applied for the big sister program for Lizzie. The lady came over to do the application and at that time I told Lizzie to go upstairs. I did not know she was standing at the top of the stairs listening when I told the woman she had been adopted. Lizzie did not say a word about it for days and then she ask me if she was adopted. I said "what do you think?" she said yes. She then told me how she had heard me talking to the lady. She then ask me who her birth Mom was and again I ask her who she thought it was, she told me Heidi, We cried together and I told her how very special she was because she had two Moms instead of one. She tried to call her father (adoptive) who would not come to the phone and talk to her, she also called her two older sisters and they cried with her. I have a very good friend who did not find out that her father was not her Bio dad at age 14 or 15 and it was not good. She felt betrayed by her entire family and ended up leaving her home with her Dad and sisters and going to live with her Mother. She later returned and has forgiven them all and to her there is no other father than the one who raised her. Lizzie does have behavior problems but she had them before she knew about the adoption. In my opinion you should tell her as soon as she is able to understand, there is always someone that will tell her and then she will feel betrayed by you for not telling her. It will be okay. Good luck Tammy

Kathleen - posted on 10/09/2011

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I think if children grow up knowing they are adopted from the get-go it is much better for them. It seems to avoid the bomb being dropped on them. It's not a point of them not being wanted...it's more a point of their birth mom loving them enough to want the very best for them...and sometimes that is adoption. God gives us children in many different ways. Kids understand quite a bit but I'd only give them exactly what they ask for~not over explain. From my own experience...having secrets will destroy relationships. (ie...what else are you hiding from me?) Best of luck!

Lisa - posted on 09/04/2009

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I would tell her when she is old enough to understand. around ten or eleven. I was adopted and found out by accident when I was 22 and was angry at my whole family for years. I am now 50 and am still angry about it. Someone else is going to tell her sooner or later and She really should hear it from you first.

Paulette - posted on 09/04/2009

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Both of my daughters are adopted ages (15 & 12.) I told them when my oldest was in preschool when she spotted a pregnant mom & asked about when she was in my tummy.I told her my tummy was broken,& how lucky she was to have 2 moms who loved her.I didn't want to keep it from her as I thought that if I didn't & someone else did that she would loose trust in me& wonder what else I kept from her.It's a special thing to both girls.They don't really think it's any big deal.

Paulette - posted on 09/04/2009

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Both of my daughters are adopted ages (15 & 12.) I told them when my oldest was in preschool when she spotted a pregnant mom & asked about when she was in my tummy.I told her my tummy was broken,& how lucky she was to have 2 moms who loved her.I didn't want to keep it from her as I thought that if I didn't & someone else did that she would loose trust in me& wonder what else I kept from her.It's a special thing to both girls.They don't really think it's any big deal.

[deleted account]

Quoting Dori:

Adopted children should be told from the time they are born (or you adopt them) that that are so special. That you chose them from all the other children in the world to be yours because you knew they were the one God created just for you. I have a 14 year old step-grandson who was not told his father was not his biological father until he was 10. It has been devastating for him and for his father. My husband is also adopted and he never remembers a time not knowing he was adopted, same for his sister. What ever problems they may have DID NOT come from being told the truth right from the get go!


Dori, thank you for posting this! I absolutely agree! My parents adopted my sister at age 4, all the while telling her that she was so special that God had given her to them to complete our family. I think it's neat when parents tell their adopted child that not many parents actually get to CHOOSE their child. :-) I have a family member who was not told about his adoption, and he found out by mistake later in life when he was given his original birth certificate rather than the ammended one. How devastating that must have been.

Christi - posted on 09/04/2009

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I believe a child should know from the very beginning. Maybe not all the details, but information given to them at certain ages as to what they can understand for that particular moment.

My sister and I were adopted @ 3yrs. and 4 1/2yrs old. My momma married a wonderful man who loved us from the beginning. We had a great childhood with a big secret though. We never allowed to discuss "the subject". It was as if our bio-dad never existed. We approached "the subject" all our lives......always being shut down when we asked any questions.

After my momma died my sister asked our daddy(the wonderful man who raised us) our bio-dad's name. He was stunned!! He thought my momma had told us when we had gotten older. Never realizing through all the secrecy when younger she had put it in our heads that we should never ask him because it would just break his heart. We loved him so much that we would never had wanted to hurt him!! Even siblings didn't know anything about "the subject".

My sister located our bio-dad within 2 days after my daddy gave her the info. That was 6 yrs ago.....we have been truly blessed. We had a daddy who raised us with love and found a dad who has always loved us but just didn't have contact with us.

It's amazing but it's like we've always known him but just been away for years. This is not to say that my daddy has been replaced because he's our daddy! He's our memories! Making memories with bio-dad is a new adventure for us all to share.(they have met each other)

I guess what I'm trying to express is that a child should be allowed to make a decision when they are old enough to deal with meeting or at least having that opportunity if they ask for it. I know first hand. Am I mad at my mom? No, but when we asked as young adults she should have trusted our judgement. It was our right to know our family history...good or bad. It may not always turn out the way ours did but if never given an opportunity how will one know.

Hope this has been helpful!

Lisa - posted on 09/01/2009

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I was adopted and have know that since i was 6 or 7. I always felt that i was chosen to be my parents child. how lucky they chose me! is it really important to tell her that she's adopted? this could be hard as you have biological children. however you do it make sure she knows how much she means to you. best of luck. adoption is a great thing.

[deleted account]

the truth will set you free. the child is legally yours. put yourself in her shoes - would you want to find out 'later' that your mother had lied to you about something so important? studies prove there are less 'issues' the earlier you tell them - good luck.

Lena - posted on 09/01/2009

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You've got a lot of advice here, just want to add my two cents. I have a two year old daughter who I adopted from China at the age of 10 months and I have talked about her being adopted since day one. Every night we look at a children's book about adoption and I use the illustrations to tell her adoption story.



I believe you have too put your daughter first, what is best for her in the long run? With all respect due to you and her birthmom, it is your daughters life and circumstances we are talking about so in my view, the birthmom's request is secondary. Reserach has shown, not to mention all comments to this question from adoptees, that it is important for a child to be told in an age appropriate way from the very beginning that she/he was adopted. Please, do tell her sooner rather then!!!

Marie - posted on 08/31/2009

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Quoting Mary Ann:



Quoting tina:

One of my first grade students told me this poem about her adoption for show and tell. Neither flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone. Yet somehow miraculously my own. Never forget for a minute. You grew not under my heart, but in it.






we have this quote framed in our DD's room






My mother gave me that quote also. She had it framed and I still have it today. I love it because it reflects how an adoptive mother feels about the child she took in.

Marie - posted on 08/31/2009

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I am adopted. I was in and out of 7 foster situations by the time I was 10 months old. My adoptive parents were foster parents and were not supposed to keep me but after over 4 years with them they were not going to let me flounder back in the fostercare system. I ALWAYS new I was adopted, from the moment I was old enough to understand that I was chosen to be a part of their family. I too went through the "I'm adopted/different/special" phase, but because my parents never let me use that as an excuse I learned that being adopted is just something different and special but not a negative thing. Today at 45 I tell people that I was adopted very young and they go' oh I'm sorry to bring that up'. I tell them that it's not a bad thing that happened to me, it was the most wonderful thing that happened to me. I was chosen to be with the people who love me and raised me despite my being different/difficult/special. I even went and found my birth mother many years back. It was interesting to meet my 'blood' (where I came from) relatives but I also realized then that I was much better off with the family who chose to raise me and care for me all my life. If you want to start your life journey with this child on a foot of honesty then it needs to start now. It's okay to tell her that some things will be discussed maybe when she's older and can understand better, and yes you will have to see what the birth mother wants to do about her information but the baby can be told that stuff later. Knowledge is power, ignorance is no excuse. The thing that makes the difference is how you approach this childs questions...

Patty - posted on 08/31/2009

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I was adopted when I was 2 mos old and have known all my life. I specifically remember when I understood what it meant.....my mom had a scrapbook and there was a card congratulating her on her adopted child. I must've been 6 - 8 yrs old. It never bothered me because I heard about it my whole life. It would be wrong to keep it a secret....secrets feel like betrayal. And bottom line is ....if you're raising that child - YOU are her MOM!!! You're the one who will be there when she's sick, when she falls, her first hearbreak, all of her accomplishments. That's what a mom is....please don't hide it from her! I met my bio mom when I was 21 and it was awesome. If her bio mom doesn't want to be known that's fine. But always be honest with your child!

Marji - posted on 08/31/2009

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Tammy, I adopted a little boy from Vietnam 9 months ago who was abandoned in front of the orphanage that we adopted him from. I am going to have to tell him and I welcome it. He will notice that he looks different and he would resent us for him not knowing. Start with some books that deal with adoption and gradually deal with it that way. Answer the questions age appropriatly. She will have questions later and answer them as best as you can.



I have an Aunt that was given up for adoption 80 years ago and she was telling me that she was never told by her adoptive parents, but learned it by over hearing a conversation. She was 5 at the time. She heard "So is that the little girl that you adopted?" She never forgave that person. If you don't tell them they aren't not going to know who they are and why "I was gotten rid of."



Hope this helps,

Marji

Mary - posted on 08/31/2009

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My mom and dad told me that I was adopted from the day I could understand what it meant. They said that I was special because they choose me and that meant that they loved me because it was so hard to get and keep me. I have four kids of my own now and I would never trade anything for ine because I had them but I did tell them that being adopted was Gods way of giving my parents a special gift because they could not have kids together. Tell your child and make it very positive. All kids have some behavior problems because they are kids, don't worry trust in god and he will give you the anwsers.

Connie - posted on 08/29/2009

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I adopted my 10 year old daughter at birth and she has known she is adopted all her life. She also knows that she is part white part african american. Adoption has been something we have always talked about - we discussed with her teachers, her friends and other parents. Last year she wanted to know why her birth mother gave her up and I made arrangements for her to meet the mom. It was important to her because she needed to see her birth mom in a wheelchair to understand why she couldn't keep my daughter. She has no problem talking about adoption and enjoys answering the questions she gets from her friends about being adopted. I would be talking about adoption immediately even though she doesn't understand it yet and hopefully like my daughter yours will be really comfortable talking about like any other topic.

Jeanine - posted on 08/29/2009

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i have 5 adopted children and they always knew they were adopted. i think it is the secrets that mess with kids.

Kathy - posted on 08/29/2009

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NEVER LIE , I was adopted when I was a baby and I was told as soon as I could understand so I have know forever I am 45 now but I am not counting.
I believe in the truth no matter what, what you did was a wonderful thing for her and for your other daughters mother it must have been hard for her. Is she still in the picture ? that may make a difference, if she is you should talk with her if she is not you can still keep her promise by not telling your daughter about her and the reason why and your promise, depending on her age.
You would not want your kids to be fighting one day and it slipping out of one of their mouths, and it will if the opportunity comes along, or someone else's.
It is always better to come from the mouth of the parents.

Karen - posted on 08/28/2009

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I was adopted and my mother started telling me when I was 3 years old. Nothing too complicated but just kept reinforcing that I was special (not different from the other kids). I know my girlfriend was never told that she was adopted and when she found out she never spoke to her parents (adoptive) ever again. I love my mother for being honest with me. When your child gets older and more mature then you let them know that you love them and then their biological mother wishes. You will know when the time is right because each child matures different. I hope this has helped.

Gordana - posted on 08/28/2009

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I have a friend who adopted a baby girl and since ever was telling her a story about "daddy traveling a world and looking for the most beautiful daughter" - he was inventing all kind of stories about his search and how it ended in the moment when he saw the most beutiful girl only to find out that it was his daughter. When she was 3 and 4 years old, she would ask him from time to time - to tell her a story about finding his daughter - it made things easier later on when he had to tell her real story. It is just an idea.


Quoting Tammy:

I have an adopted daughter, at what age do I tell her she is adopted?

I have 2 grown daughters and a 19 year old son. We were asked to adopt a beautiful little girl when she was just 1yr old by a friend of my daughter. I took 2 yrs but the adoption went through. Her bio mom asks us not to tell her, I have friends who told their children and they now have behavioral problems. I dont know what to do. So if u can give ur opinions I would love to hear them.


 

Denise - posted on 08/26/2009

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I agree with Barbara. All she needs to know right now is that she has a family that loves her very much. You don't have to be born into a family to be part of the family.

If you lie to her when she asks, it will make her doubt her relationship with you and she may start to think "what else was I not told about my life"....

[deleted account]

Hm, tough call... but I gues I'd be with those here who suggested to wait until she asks especially since her biological mom does not want her to know. For now definitely grant that wish... who knows she might change her mind down the road any way.

And if your daughter (I wouldn't even make it a point that she is adopted, she'd just be my daughter if anybod asked) ever does press the subject or it should for medical reasons become necessary gently let her know. Otherwise I see no need to make that distinction at all... I'm sure you'll love her like your own daughter so why not have her think/"know" that you are?

KERRY - posted on 08/25/2009

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please tell her. her finding out the hard way could destroy any trust she has with you and other family members. if the real mother doesn't want to her know thats her problem. she has the right to know and her mother gave up that right when she gave her up for adoption. i am adopted i know been there done that. my mother was up front from the time i could understand. there are great kids books in bookshops on how to break the news to children about certain subjects. the only thing she needs to know is that you love her unconditionaly. and she is very special to you

Angela - posted on 08/25/2009

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I think I would talk to a child psychologist first. But, in my opinion, the sooner the better. If you start explaining things at an early age, then there will be less possibility of resentment later. The birth mom should think about the little girl and the outcome of her mental health. In todays day and age it's a very, very small world and chances are she would sooner or later find out. If you don't tell her. What happens when she is 14 or so and finds out on her own? That's where the bad stuff comes from. Honesty is always the best policy. So, start "play acting" scenarios and exposing her to the good things about adoption.

Cindy - posted on 08/25/2009

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I have never had an adopted child so the only experience I have had is with my sister in law who was adopted at birth. My parents in law never hid it from her and they gave her a beautiful poem that hung on her wall from the day she was bought home. I cant remember the name of it but it was about not being born to the family but specially chosen. Sadly she grew up and eventually hereditary metal illness started to show. So for her it was lucky she knew she was adopted it gave her the chance to find her bio parent and find out what was the cause, what helped and how to control the illness. It truly is a choice you need to make at one stage of the childs life but each family is different so that choice has to be done when you know it is right and it feels right.

Cyndi-Ann - posted on 08/25/2009

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The obvious majority has said now was wondering what has happened? Have you made up your mind yet when or how to broach the subject? Good luck to you whatever you decide. Another way to incorporate it into your lives is to have a "gotcha party" We have one July 9th every year, as well as a birthday party we celebrate with the kids the day we gotcha, because what better to do than to celebrate when that little one came into your life.

Gayleen - posted on 08/25/2009

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So much has been covered here and I really dont want to repeat what everyone else has said, but we have adopted 3 children and told the from the beginning. We have "Adoption Day Partys" along with B-day partys. One of them is now almost 40 and doing very well. One is 36 and she is getting straight A's in her masters in English both of these children have the same mother and have had contact and it has not been a bad thing. The youngest of the three adopted is 25 and he is Filipino hardly could you say in our European family that he comes from the same family lol. He is creative, and is being trained to be a thatcher of roofs. I am very proud of all three of them for there ability to face their struggles that were given to them face on and have come up strong. As everyone else has said pretty much, tell them soon not in there early teens or teenage times, it is so emotional that time of the life for the best of kids. Good luck with your daughter, I am sure she will see you trying to do the very best for her. Blessings

Tina - posted on 08/24/2009

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I am 41 and was adopted. I have always known. There was not a time when my parents sat me down and told me. It was as if it was just a normal thing that happened to some families. I think that it made a huge difference that my parents didn't wait to tell me. There was no "adjustment" time, no behavioral problems or no counseling(at least not for that issue).lol

[deleted account]

My 2 sons are adopted and it was an open adoption from the beginning. I never hid it from them and they are happy to know just how much we love them. They are now 20 and 23. Your love is unconditional why hide it. My sons have both had time to grow up with 2 older sisters (now 40 and 44) in a loving home with a family who cared. They met their bio mom (same one) but even she can''t tell us who the father is for either of my sons. But they no longer care who the sperm came from.They love us and who they are.

Maria - posted on 08/24/2009

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I was adopted at 6 wks old and was told when I was about 8yrs old poss earlier. Your best to tell her because if you dont someone else will & that will hurt her even more & that could ruin wht you have with her.......if you know wht I mean?



I realised my life had been given a new lease & my adpoted Mum was ace & gave me a fab upbringing



Hope all goes ok

x

Claudia - posted on 08/23/2009

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I have a 15 yo adopted daughter we adopted her at the age of 3 so she has always known she was adopted but not all of the particulars of why she was up for adoptionand after reading your story i asked her what she thought....she said the bio mom gave up her right to have an opinion when she gave away her child....and if you live in the same town where there might be bio relatives you dont want your daughter to grow up and possible date a relative....I dont know what your state laws are but in ohio now every adoption can be read by the child at age 18...hope we've helped

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