Is a step grandmom the same as being a real grandmom?

Patricia - posted on 03/25/2010 ( 470 moms have responded )

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Hi, i am a 50 year old grandmother and about to be a first time step grandmother. I love my children alot and my grand children. I am currently working at Oyster Pond Academy and going for an interview at Sea Rover Resort and Marina. i feel my life is just beginning. It's been a long hard struggle, but finally i'm starting to get on with life.

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April - posted on 04/06/2010

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My name is April, I am 45 & I have 3 boys (2 of my own & 1 step). They are 25, 23, & 22. The youngest is my step-son, he recently gave us a beautiful grand daughter. She is the first grandchild, so I have been spoiling her, buying clothes, etc. My husband gets mad at me, but I can't help myself. I have an unconditional love for her no matter what & I will treat her the same as any "natural" grandchildren that come in the future. I believe all children should be treated equally. Even though we haven't been able to see her yet, she lives in IL & we live in NC, I still love her very much & can't wait to see her next month. I know there will be problems if the "real" grandma is around, since she hates my husband, even though they have been divorced for 21 years. She has told my step son a lot of lies & there was a lot of time that my husband has missed in his sons life & we are trying to reconnect in the past year. Hopefully things go good at the Christening in May.

Pamela - posted on 04/06/2010

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Natural, step, adopted, borrowed.....whatever....all of them should be treated with the love every child deserves! Besides, believe it or not, a child can "Feel" the difference when treated differently....honestly just think how you'd feel if you found out your grandchild felt left out or unloved by a "step" grandparent. My sons were step grandchildren....they ended up grand sons.....and are very much loved....and one of my sons now has a baby daughter....she is "step" to none! Children aren't children for very long... all need as much love and guidance as they can get. That's MY opinion. So in answer to your question: "Is a step Grandmother the same as a real Grandmother?" My answer is this...... if you treat the child/children the same as a you do your "real" grandchildren...then no, there is no difference....the adults involved should be adult enough to realize children need all the love they can get and appreciate the fact that they are so loved, however, if YOU choose to treat the child/children differently then I guess not you nor the children will consider you a "real" grandmother to them....the choice is yours.

Angela - posted on 04/06/2010

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When someone tells folks to back off from loving someone that they love, there are some real anger issues that still need to be dealt with. It is no way that I would tell "anyone" to back off from loving my grandchild. Children can use all the love they can get.

Angela - posted on 04/06/2010

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Some of it also depends on how much the biological mother, or bio grandmother gets in the way as well. It's weird...my husband is papa to our granddaughter (my biological granddaughter) and he does not call my children his stepchildren. However, because there has been so much volatility on his ex wife's side, and she making sure that her daughter called me "stepdaughter" it is hard to look at his daughter the same. I avoid saying "stepdaughter" I introduce her by her name, or as my husband's daughter. Sometimes I introduce her as my daughter. I've never asked her (she is now 16) what she prefers me to call her. I've been in her life since 3. So it's a little complicated for me.

Debbie - posted on 04/06/2010

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I have 4 "step" granchildren and 6 biological grandchildren. To me there is no difference, so to them there is no difference!My oldest is not even with the mother of his children anymore--- but her children still are my grands.Once they were given to me, I wasn't letting ANYONE take them back!!!! They are as much my heart as their younger siblings.

Renee - posted on 04/06/2010

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Agree completely with everybody else. You love all your kids, regardless of the "step" thing, so their kids ARE your grandkids!

Kay - posted on 04/06/2010

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I have been a step mother for 30 years, but never a step grandmother, just ask my grandchildren, not sure what your real question is, getting on with your life has nothing do do with grandchildren, kids are your responsability, gc are not.

Mary - posted on 04/06/2010

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I noticed that Deb V said that a step should back off but I do not think it has anything to do with that how you treat these little ones is what counts and kids can and do need to love and be loved by many people. Just because you get rid of the stigma of Step does not mean the other Grand parents are not just as important! My step Grand baby has many Grand parents. ones from her Biological Dad , from her moms side and us our grand babe calls our son Daddy and he is the only dad she has ever had. the Bio dad she call by his name . our son wants to adopt but the dad will not give her up but that is all he does . NO calls cards visits . but his mom loves her. Our Daughter in law was never married to him. why should we back off it would only hurt her!!!!!!! our Daughter in law does not have a good relationship with her mom and STEP-DAD either they have never wanted much of a relationship with our Grand babe We are her Nana and Papa the same with all of our Grand babes .

Terri - posted on 04/06/2010

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My own dad passed away when I was 13. Mom remarried and I had my "second" dad for 28 years before he passed away. All three of my kids dearly loved their "Papa Don" and none would have ever considered him to be a "step" grandparent. Between my kids and my step-siblings kids, he had 24 grandchildren. He loved every one of them equally!

Claressa - posted on 04/06/2010

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i am a step- mother of 2 daughters and 1 son. and they are like my own kids, i have been with them since the oldest was 5 and know she is 40 . and know between them i have10 wonderful grandkids. and i have never useed the word step.. with them. they all are my kids and they grandkids are mine too. they are just like my own kids. and i have a son and you would think they was real brothers and sisters. as far as i am cocern, a step mom or grandma is the same.

Mary - posted on 04/06/2010

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Yes Yes Yes you must treat these children the same our oldest grandbabe came into our lives through Marriage but she is no different then the others. They do not want to be different either so I NEVER even mention the term STEP She is just my oldest Grand babe and I love her so much. Would a person say This is my Biological child or this is my adopted child God does not do it and neither should we.

Oh sorry for preaching this just comes from a Nana that loves the grandbabes.

Beth - posted on 04/06/2010

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YES!! My grandma was about your age, when my brother & I came into the family..I was 2 & my brother was 6 mos...My step-dad (who adopted us) was an only child. She loved us very much. She passed away at age 94 (a couple of yrs ago) and I loved her very much and miss her. I am actually a step-grandma too...my step-son..whom I raised..is a father & I love Jaycie very much...It's all about how each is treated. Don't call yourself "step-grandma" or them "step-grandchildren"..God Bless...

Jeanette - posted on 04/06/2010

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Iam a mother of 6, 4 whom I gave birth and 2 step daughters. I treat and love them the same. I am closer to my step daughters than they are tothrie real mom. If you take on the responsability of a new husband it's a package deal. There are hard time with the acceptance of a new step mom but the rewards are worth it especially when the grand kids come along I now have 9 grandchildren

Bridget - posted on 04/06/2010

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Thank you Dawn, I couldn't have said it better myself!! I am also the second wife and although my grandchildren call me by my first name, it doesn't change Anything. I AM still thier grandmother and love them with all my heart and soul as if they were my blood grandchildren.

Fran - posted on 04/06/2010

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No step needed !!!!!!I too am and expected "step" grandma, I love all my kids the same, I never had biological kids anyway so having step kids is just like my adopted son from first marriage. SO go be a WONDERFUL grandma, or nana..................

Tina - posted on 04/06/2010

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Honestly I believe it is how you were taught growing up. I had a wonderful mother who taught me that you treat others the way you would want to be treated. She made no difference in the way she treated children....you could not tell between the step grandchildren and her "real" grandchildren....Sort of like Jesus who said suffer the little children to come unto me. She loved them all - - - I hope that I convey that legacy. I have children that I gave birth to (2) and I have (3) others that have another mom....I have six grandbabies and a seventh due in May - I love them all and we do not make a difference....

Belinda - posted on 04/06/2010

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I am also a 50 yr old grandma (Nana). I was raised in a house where in-law was taken out of the equation as far as my mom was concerned. My brother's wives were not in-laws - they were my sisters and still are. When I married a man with two girls the word "step" was also dropped as far as my mom and myself were concerned. We are all in the family together. After 10 yrs I divorced my husband but did NOT divorce my daughters (his two girls) - to me they will always be my daughters too. God gave women the capacity to love, nourish and cherish all children.

Donna - posted on 04/06/2010

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Of course being a step grandmom is being a REAL grandmom!!!! I raised my stepson since he was four and he is MY son.....so when he got married and had a baby, I was grandma!!!! Its the relationship, not the giving birth! I live in Glover Vermont. When people ask how many kids I have I say five...(four I gave birth to and one stepson)...I dont differentiate or say only four are "real"......they are all my children!! and grandchildren!!!!! Donna Laurin

Kat - posted on 04/06/2010

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I feel the same way. Even if the stepchildren aren't living with the parents full time, they shouldn't be made to feel as if they're loved any differently, IMO. I'm a stepmom of 2 kids that we have only 2 weekends a month, and I know it's hard on them as they feel out of place, even though it's all they remember. Neither of my kids (both grown and gone) have given me grandkids yet, though I keep hoping! And good luck with your interview, I hope it went well for you!

Michelle - posted on 04/06/2010

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hi

i am 48 i have 9 natural grand children and have 6 and a bit steps grand children i treat them all the same love them all equally and dont make any differences including not refering to them as steps they are all my grand kids and its wonderful having them all

Deb - posted on 04/05/2010

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We encountered this in my family. My brother in-law remarried to a wonderful woman. She had one son and he had 2 grown children. His grandkids from his daughter are to call her by her first name not Grandma. (His ex is Grandma) Every time they need a sitter or a night to themselves she takes them. She loves them so much and they love her. I feel if the step-grandma is such a big part of their lives thats a Grandma. You can never have too many. She doesn't make waves and is just happy to love them no matter what they call her.

Judith - posted on 04/05/2010

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Please treat them the same as your own grandchildren, children are children and all want to be loved and treated equally!! I am sure your child loves his step-chlidren as his/her own therefore expects them to be treated and loved as your own also. My own children have step grandparents and were never treated equal, therefore I know the hurt that it will cause not treating them the same, not only are the children hurt but the parents also.....

Karen - posted on 04/05/2010

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What question are you asking? Are you asking if you can go on with your life, or do you have to stop everything and be a grandmother to your step grand children? When you say it's been a long hard struggle, but finally I'm starting to get on with life - does that mean that you have had to raise some of your grandchildren? Or babysit them alot? I think that you need to have some boundaries and rules set forth for your children so that they won't take advantage of you, and you in turn, end up resenting them. I am a step Grandmom to two girls and my daughter very much wants me to think of them as my grandchildren. Ask your child if this is what he/she wants. If so, just treat them as instant grandchildren and love them. They will in turn love you back, if they feel the love from you. But, why not keep on with your life? You've raised your children. Now your children can raise their own children. But, there will still be plenty of times that they will need the masterful touch of a kind Grandmom to show love and how to do things. I hope this may have helped.

Kathy - posted on 04/05/2010

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I am 46 years old and a Grandmother of 5 and Step Grandmother of 4 I just fit right in the all the kids and they all love me the same and call me Grandma it a wonderful thing... You will enjoy your new extended family as if they where your own... Good luck...

Pat - posted on 04/05/2010

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Oh most definately yes! I have 5 grandchildren and I dare for anyone to list them otherwise! :)

Jody - posted on 04/05/2010

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This is the way I see it. I'm not a "blood relative" of my husband but two people could not love one another more the we do. We intensely love many people, how we are related is not an important factor in how we interact, show affection or responsibility.

Lisa - posted on 04/05/2010

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hi Patricia, I am A step grandmother of 3 & one blood grandchild, it feels no diferrent to me nor them , we love one another unconditionaly... when you have love to give it dosnt matter who its given to .. what matters is that they feel the true warmth... good luck with your new journey, i am 48 & just got married & moved to Hawaii away from my kids & grandkids that is thehard part , but as you are i am getting on with my life Lisa

Michelle - posted on 04/05/2010

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Hello.I believe there is no such thing as "step".I think they should all be treated the same.I love them all the same.My husband has 2 children from a previous and i have been in there life for 10 yrs.I just recentle became a grandmother to a beautiful baby boy who is almost 4 mos old.Im sad to say i am the only grandma he knows because the biological grandmas want nothing to do with him.I think its so sad.I look at as their loss.I have been there since the beginning and will be there til the end.I think you are a grandma no matter what.Its the love.

Grandma - posted on 04/05/2010

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I was asking the same question a year ago. Not only would I lovemy step sons children as much as my biological grandchild, but my step son married a woman with a older son from a previos marrige. so It was real complicated. I was unsure about my feeling towards both step grand children and step step grand child. But as soon as I looked in the baby's eyes I could see my husbands eyes and kind heart. And watching the older boy running after my step son yelling Daddy. I knew they belonged to me and they owned my heart forever. I did sit down with my daughter in law and explained my feelings. And that once I help the kids they were mine. No matter what the future my hold. She understood me completly and knows I am "GRANDMA" forever.

[deleted account]

It is absolutely the same. I am a Step-Grandmom and I love it, out Grandbaby just turned 1 and he is soo precious. I am lucky my step-children encourage me to be called "Grandma" I love it!

Theresa - posted on 04/05/2010

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I think it is the same. I have biological grandchildren and step grandchildren. I am attached to all of them and the love we have for each other is mutual.

Heather - posted on 04/05/2010

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I have been in a simalar situation.My step-children were 4 6 8 and 10 and i had 2 of my own of 4 and 11 so we had a handful but an ex-wife who resented me for many years and at one time stopped us seeing the kids for 6 months but we are now 15 years on and apart from a few ups and downs which can happen in any family i get on with all of them great and my children love their stepdad(my daughter only knowing him as dad) and now my stepdaughter has a little girl who i adore and i feel like you that i am pushed out but i have found out that my step daughter can be so kind and involves me as much as she can as we liv in another country from them so all in all it has turned out ok and children nevr want to come from divorced parents x

Cheryl - posted on 04/05/2010

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There should be no difference between grandchildren and step-grandchildren. They all should be just as special. I will tell you though in the eyes of the law there is a difference. A step-grandparent does not have the same rights as a biological grandparent. I know this because we adopted four grandchildren as a related adoption and everything was geared around the biological grandparent.

Heather - posted on 04/05/2010

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I feel the same as everyone else as i am a stepmom but my own kids have not given me grandchildren yet but i have one stepdaughter who has been in my life for 15 years and now has a one year old daughter who i love like my own.She is so cute!!

[deleted account]

Hi, Yes being a step grandma is a real grandma for sure. I am a step grandma to two of my 8 grandchildren. I never refer to them as step grandchildren. In my heart, they are my grandchildren, and hope they feel the same.

Donnis - posted on 04/05/2010

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oh yes,i married at 21 to 38 yr.old man.he had twin girls 12 an an adoptied son 7,i had no children.he worked out of town an only home weekends.i helped raise thes kids,i had i child at 23 with this man.we were married for 8 yrs,divorced.one of the girls an the adopted son stayed in my life,the adopted son passed away 7 trs.ago,but 1 of the twins is still in my life to this day,im not but 7 yrs.older then her,but she calles me mom an i love her as my own.she has 2 sons,im the only granny they know an i love them so very much.i remarried at 30,he had 2 girls 7 an 8 at the time,i girl has 3 kids the other 2,and was at each birth of these kids,they r my grandchildren.my son has 3,i love them all the same,i also now have 1 great grandson,so they all belong to me,an they feel the same way.its wonderful being a grandmother.........Donnis Kennedy

Cindy - posted on 04/05/2010

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I know that if one of my children married someone with a child I would treat them the same way I treat my other grandchildren!!! After the way my children have been treated after I remarried I would never, ever do that to any child. My children are grown now and still ask why my husbands family does not like them! : ( Makes me cry!!!

Chickie - posted on 04/05/2010

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I have a son and daughter and my hubby has 2 sons. I say I have 4 kids. not 2 and 2 step.

I have been given 5 granddarlins not stepgranddarlins. They don't call me stepgrammie...I am Grammie. As far as I am concern there is no such thing as a step parent or grandparents.

Gina - posted on 04/05/2010

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my step grandkids are just as important as my own grandchildren, otherwise, I think, you are saying your stepkids aren't as important as your own kids, and that would be real tough to keep a marriage together that way, I would think. You don't marry the individual, you get the whole package.

Debbie - posted on 04/05/2010

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Of course a grandparent is a grandparent! It doesn't matter if it is blood related. I had only one blood grandmother that lived 5000 miles away and didn't meet until I was 18. I had grandparents in forms other then the traditional ones. They were friends of my parents and I for one considered them very intimate relationships, just like REAL grandparents!

Connie - posted on 04/05/2010

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I have a stepfather, my Pop and he loves me like I was one of his own. My children have told me that they actually have to conciously think that he is technically their step -grandfather. I think when you genuinely choose to love someone, the labels fall off and all that remians is LOVE.



In my own marriage, my husband is a step dad to my 2 oldest daughters. He'd be the first to tell you that blood relation means nothing to him. He chooses to love whether they are related to him by marriage or through natural process.



We have a step grand-daughter, she is the grandchild we received when our daughter married and she is a gift. I remember making the choice to invest in her life. She doesn't live in the immediate area but I send cards to her house and let her know how much she is loved and that we are thinking about her. Whenever we see her I always remind her that she is loved, with hugs and kisses as well as words. I think love is a choice regardless of the circumstances.

Connie Hopkins

Cindy - posted on 04/05/2010

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I am glad to see so many of you believe step grandchildren are your grandchildren!!! My mother in law never really accepted my children as her grandchildren and now she hasn't accepted my grandchildren as her great grandchildren. IT IS SOOOO SAD AND HURTFUL!!!

Marcia - posted on 04/05/2010

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Yes step grandmom is the same as grandmom I m a stepgrandmom but to me they r my grandchildren & dont tell them they arent

Cindy - posted on 04/05/2010

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Well, I have to first comment on Deborah Vandendool's comment. That being a step grandparent means that the step should just back off. I came from a family that was very broken (my dad is on wife number 4 now). His second wife's mother treated me like I was a "step" child. My older sister and I had to sit on the couch and watch my younger siblings, her "real" grandchildren, play and do what they wanted. Is that what you want to happen to your "real" grandchildren? Really? I find that very selfish and it really seems as though you have issues to settle between you and the grandfather. No matter what transpired in your relationship, to want your grandchildren to be treated differently because some other woman is in his life now is just selfish.



After the things that happened to me as a child, with all the "step" relatives I have, I refuse to even allow that word in my home. In fact, my husband and I have even adopted OUTSIDE of our home and love that child just as much as the children who were already part of our lives. We both entered our marriage with two children, whom we both love as if they were our own. A side note here, his daughter was his "step" child that he brought. Should I have ignored her because she was my "step" "step"?



On to answering the question. Now there is a grandson, who is the most beautiful and precious boy ever, from that very special daughter. He has so many people who love him and will always have a huge family. Is that wrong? Really? Should my husband, who was the only father his "step" daughter ever knew, just ignore him because there is no bloodline to make him the "real" father? And the deadbeat jerk who sired her should be a deadbeat grandfather for the baby boy? Just because "STEP" is involved in the verbage?



Okay, I believe I have given my opinion. In case you couldn't figure it out, though I will tell you that there in absolutely NO difference in being a grandmother to any child UNLESS you make it a difference. A child is a child and they all NEED love. If you are fortunate enough to have more than those born to your "bloodline", then love them with all your heart. If it is too black to do so, then don't have them come over to your house, because they will know!



Thanks for letting me post my long opinion... :)

Tina - posted on 04/05/2010

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A Grandmother is a Grandmother. My daughters are 4 and 10. My Dad remarried a year after I was married, my Mom passed away in '89. Sharon treats my kids as if they were her own grandchildren. They adore her! They call her Grandma Sharon, they could even call her Grandma for all we care. She named herself that! The girls know about my Mom too. And Sharon came in after we were all grown, but she is acts like a Mom to us too. We're all family!

Lisa - posted on 04/05/2010

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Love them and all will be good! My childrens' own grandma doesn't treat them with grandma love but we have plenty of grandmas from church and that is all that mattters. Blood doesn't mean anything it is the choice to love.

Kimberly - posted on 04/05/2010

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Hi, I believe that children should be loved for who they are, and no labels should be put on them, whether they are born biologically into your family, or are added, due to marriage. My boyfriend and I have 5 children, I have 3 and he as 2, and we have 6 grandchildren. We don't consider them as step-children or step-grandchildren, we love them all equally. So in answer to your question, no need for the step to be added, love is love. Good luck on the job, and God bless you and your family.

Marilyn - posted on 04/05/2010

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Don't feel quilty because you are finally enjoying life, your children and grandchildren will benefit from you being happy and fullfilled. A step grandchild is only as important as you make the child feel. but that is true for bioligical grandchildren as well, if you love them as if they are your blood then they will know no difference. I have 4 bioligical grandchildren and 2 nephews ( I raised the mom of one of those nephews) and ALL of them call me MIMI and do not know the difference. I LOVE EM ALL

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