Is it okay to ask your 18 yr old to move out?

Lexi - posted on 12/22/2011

Well, I am a younger mom right now but the rule in our house growing up was pretty simple. If you are 18 or older, following the rules, good attitude and either working or going to school you can stay living at home as long as you want. If we had been neither working nor going to school and/or causing problems in the household, we would be told to move out. I got threatened once and after I spent a week trying to find some other place to live I decided to just change my attitude instead! lol

Joe Ann - posted on 02/16/2010

yes it is okay otherwise he'll still be ther when he's 30 I have a son who lives with me and he pays rent and does things around the house or he;d be GONE

Jan - posted on 02/15/2010

you did the right thing!!

Jan - posted on 02/15/2010

Write down what you would like to see him do --- get a job, what his responsibilities at home should be ect...and after you are clear in your own mind tell him these are the terms that he can continue to live with you .If he is unwilling to work with you it is time for him to move out. Perhaps you should ask him what he would like for his future and help him set some goals (small steps) --- good luck

DeAnna - posted on 02/15/2010

Tell him he needs to get back into college, or get a job and help with expenses around the house. If he doesn't like it, then tell him, "don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you".
You need to take action .. his attitude against you will only be past down onto his younger siblings who will see that if he can try to run the house, they can also (then you will have more than your fair share of problems).
Set a date for him to have to move out, advise him if he will not go on his own, then you will be forced to involve the local police and have him removed from your home on that day. Don't think badly of yourself if you have to go that route .. that is the only choice you may have to bringing peace and harmony back to your household before it gets out of hand.

Hope this suggestion helps a bit :)

DeLisa - posted on 02/15/2010

Denise...I am so old school...If that's what you call it today...had children very young...girls...but always expected my children 2 be on their own at 18...with a game plan of course...just never expected anything different from them...job or college...was the only options...one went 2 college...the other chose 2 get jobs....they had children young 2...We all pitched in babysitting and helping out in other ways 2 make sure everyone had a roof over their head...Attitudes of disrespect has always been unacceptable in my book...BUT most of all...the thing that has helped me the most is having a relationship with God and constantly relying on Him for guidance and strenght daily through prayer...I know that I just couldn't have made it without this...I will lift you up in prayer...Dee

Tawnya - posted on 02/15/2010

If he is a 18 and causing problems within the family and with your other children it is time to put him out. You have to consider that there are younger children that he is making an impression on. Sounds like you have tried reasoning but he is having none of it. Pack him up, put him out. Some kids have to learn the hard way. Seems he may be one of them.

Lynn - posted on 02/15/2010

yes my son didn't want to work just lay around the house, well i put a stop to that we prayed about told him he has to get a job or get his own place. Well he got his own place now married with three boys doing great. We are very close. Pray with him, a family that prays together stays together.

Ida - posted on 02/15/2010

Our job as parents is to raise productive focused adults. Often it is so hard to keep them focused. I wrote the book, Follow Your Inner Compass Teen, to assist young people find a focus a burning career passion.

Ida - posted on 02/15/2010

It does not sound like your son has become a productive adult. No person unless they are paying the bills runs my house. I have always told my children at 18 years old you are out. Get your grades in order so you can get scholarships or go to the military. At 18 you are gone.

Marie - posted on 02/15/2010

ASK HIM TO MOVE????...HA, are you serious??... u and your husband need to step up and be adults and parents and put your foot down...try some "tough" love. stop supporting him, stop doing anything for him. let him know u bought him into this world with nothing and if necessary u can take him out.....with nothing!!!

Wendy - posted on 02/12/2010

I am mom to nearly 19 yr old identical twin boys who also act as if they are entitled to be supported by me---a single mother who is also trying to care for my own mother who has moved in and recently hospitalized for bipolar disorder. I laid down the law this week by doing what my therapist encouraged me to do----set clear deadlines for getting jobs, chores and the like or they could leave or join the military. When the one son threatened to kick in the door if I made him leave, I decided to call 911. The officer told us both basically what I as a parent can and cannot do. I have to evict my sons and he encouraged me to do so. However changing the locks isn't the same thing as getting eviction paperwork from the sherrif and if necessary calling the police to escort them out the door. He also explained to the one son who is a month from graduation that he was very mistaken and I do NOT have to support him just because he is still in high school. I've told my sons that either they submit to random drug screens and stay clean or they are out on their own. Considering neither has a license, this is very tough for me to throw them out but they knew at age 15 that as long as they wanted to smoke pot, they would never get to drive my car nor would I help them learn. They are finally getting tired and so are their friends of having to drive them everywhere----I am not backing down though. The choice has to be made----drugs or your family. They've lost their inheritance and still this is a major conflict but they want to have their cake and eat it too. I refuse to enable their drug use but I know I have let myself be manipulated and it's very frustrating. Most ridiculous thing my son has said lately? "Mom, it is your stupid attitude about pot that is ruining our family life.....you just need to quit trying to impose your outdated beliefs on us." My reply is----my house my rules, take is or leave it.

Denise - posted on 02/12/2010

Well I have an update things came to the point where I ended up having to make my 18 yr old leave. He was very verbally abusive to me and our family again he has no respect for my husband and I. I told him he will not be allowed back ever again and its not my problem where he goes. Is it hard yes but I am no longer able to take the stress that he causes in our home and it almost came to having to call the cops because he thinks he is suppose to be entitled to stay and we told him absolutley not.

Sheryl - posted on 02/07/2010

This is my opinion but I would tell him he lives under your roof so he has to follow your rules. That would include getting a job, helping with expends, having chores, and minding his mouth. If he doesn't want to do that, pack his bags and set them by the door. Tell him that he can only leave with what he has bought! He will see that he doesn't have much. Ask him if he has seen homeless people. Ask him if he would like to live that way. I choice to do this with my son. He ended up living homeless in a shelter. His bags got stolen. He lived this way for a month. It was hard to deal with but he sure did learn that if wasn't fun and he had better take things serious. My therapist was behind me all the way. It is not fair for your family to have one person disrupt the household so. I know it is hard to teach children the hard knocks of life but sometimes you just have to. Later on they do come back to say thank you or if they don't you can at least know you tried everything you could and they have to take some responsiblity for their actions.

Fiona - posted on 02/06/2010

Stop feeding him, lock the cupboards and the fridge! Make it VERY clear that you love him, but you do not love the abuse. Do not support him financially. Do not do his laundry. He will have to make the decision to toe the line or move out. Good luck! xx

Sheri - posted on 02/06/2010

I am sorry to hear your son is behaving so badly. First, I would remind him that he is of legal age to sign up for the military. I guess, more importantly, I would ask him what is wrong? He sounds sad, and is taking his sadness out on his family. He certainly can chose to not go to school, but then he has to be happy that he will always be a laborer with low income. If that is his choice, so be it, but if not, ask him where he would like his life to be in 5 years. Then help him work on a plan to get there. Good Luck. I would also remind him that you are his parents, and he will treat you with respect, and you will treat him with respect. Respect is earned not given.

Lorna Lorraine - posted on 02/06/2010

Technically, he is an adult. You can't sign papers on his behalf or make decisions for him. However, if he is disrupting your household you may have to use some 'tough love' and the cops will help him to find a place to stay.

Mary - posted on 02/06/2010

Call the law and ask how and by what mean.....he is not only hurting you but bringing injury and attitud to the entire family.....he sounds spoiled.........I'd take tv or computer or all away and let him know it cost......he needs to put his money where his mouth is....He is a young able body person and I see these eldersly people working today and honestly it makes me sick....to disrespect you and your husband ....he would have to go and if you fear for your life ,,,tell the police...

Sherine - posted on 02/06/2010

in your shoe i probably would. i am currently battling with my 18 year old daughter she has refused to do anything around the home , she is still at sixth form but come september i am boarding her at UNI i need some peace, when she is not around the twins get along better and don't stress me as much.

Gillian - posted on 02/06/2010

only problem he is not a child - he is 18 years old that would be adult - where I live he can vote, drink, drive, have sex, get married and PROVIDE for himself!!! I certainly wouldnt be putting passwords on things or padlocking anything apart from the entries to the house!!

Laura - posted on 02/06/2010

Your question was "is it ok to ask your 18 yr old......

from what you said asking your son anything sounds kinda pointless as you say he does as he wishes.. And unfortunately this is on you and now it's time to correct it.

It is your house and anyone living in it needs to abide by your wishes.

He is an adult now and needs to have the responsibilities of one.

I'm all for letting kids live at home as long as they are going to school or are working and preparing to move. And as long as they are RESPECTFULL.

Please think about how your current situation is affecting everyone in your family and especially your son's future. The longer he is allowed to live this way, the harder it will be for him to mature and go on to live a normal productive life. Not to mention setting an example for the other kids. You don't want to repeat this with them.

It sounds like you have some tough choices. Pray about it and let God guide you and your family.

Lynn - posted on 02/05/2010

I have a boy who is almost 19 and 17, they had a good job working for us then they mixed with the wrong crowd. They drink, abuse all of us, smoke cigarettes and probably other stuff and are lazy. My husband and I have worked hard getting what we have and thought they would see what you have to do to get ahead. They don't help around the house, they are bludgers, abuse their little sister who is 8 and are fast becoming nothing people like their uncle. We have decided to down size our business's, sell all the investment properties and commercial investment and move. We will also sell our house and move 7hours away. They say they are not coming with us so that will be the end of that. It is a very hard thing to do but unless they have to face life by themselves they will become lost and non achievers. They are going to end up in a difficult place but they have to grow up and see what they are doing as wrong. We do not need the stress of two boys who frankly don't give a shit about us or themselves. It will be hard to leave them behind but we will give them are address and see how things work out. Unfortunately you are doing what we have done and supported them in their laziness and lack of future. We think we are doing the right thing but for your sanity you have to say No and Enough is Enough. Walk away and see what happens, leave the lines of communication open and push them out. We never did this to our parents!! Best of luck to you and to us as well. Stand up for your rights as a human and parent because if someone else did this to you........you would not be asking for advice.

Beth Williams - posted on 02/05/2010

Actually, your "legal" job is over. He's an adult and you can make him leave. You can pack his things for him and send him on his way. I'm a mother of 19 year old twins. Right now both of them are back at home. My daughter attended her first year of college, loved it and wanted to continue, but a loan fell through and she had to come home to save money to go back, she goes to college in Washington, DC and we live just south of Atlanta ... so the cost is high and having had a liver transplant and been out of work for 2 years we are not in a position to help her. My son didn't go off to school. Their first year started the very summer of my transplant. He stayed home and atttended a community college. His anger ran/runs deep about things and he has had severe anger issues with his dad and I (his dad is also on disability ... and not well at all). My son was verbally abusive and also tried to run the house ... finally I had enough and went upstairs to pack his things for him. When he realized I meant what I said he started his change. We still have issues, but in order for him to stay he pays us rent, helps with groceries and has come around somewhat as being a part of the family and responsible. Make him take you seriously. If nothing else, call for help from your local police dept. NOT to have him arrested, but surely there's someone in your town that came help you bring him around. It's the hardest thing in the world to feel you have to kick your child out. But enough is enough. If a true action on your part fails, reach out in your community ... police, church, friend .. You don't have to take this from him.

Julie - posted on 02/05/2010

I have been through the same situation twice.My eldest is now 21 and works full time,pays me board and pays towards the gas and electric.My youngest daughter got herself a weekend job as well as attending school full time and has now moved out to a place of her own.Its not easy to be tough with your children but you have to be.Hes treating your house as a hotel and does not respect you or your husband at all.I told all my children if they dont contribute in any way then to find somewhere else to live.Now both of my daughters realise that you dont get nothing for free in this world I wish you all the best for the future.

Katrina - posted on 02/05/2010

I know how ya feel. i have a 22yr old at home, he thinks he owns the joint,he thinks he can tell us all what to do with house, so I told him there is 6 people living in this house 2 of us are the landlords of the place.If you dont like it ,ship out .he was a big handful a year ago cause i kicked him out , but he came back. I told him if he wanted to come home he had to give respect to every one in the house,plus I told my husband that if he trys to claim the house again he was to give him the bills to pay. At this present time he hasnt claimed again. Its amazing wat money will do to people.the stress in the house is at a minimum at the moment.

Christine - posted on 02/05/2010

Ask? It's your house. We've already been down this road. It is ABSOLUTELY not only your right but your obligation to teach your child that life comes with rights and responsibilities. You don't get rights without responsibilities. In order to earn the right to live in your house as an adult, there are responsibilities you expect him to take on. You should sit him down and explain to him what you expect from him in order for him to continue to receive the privelege of living in your home. We actually wrote it all down and had him sign it. He should understand that violating these expectations equals losing the privelege. He WILL screw up, so give him a few chances. Then, if and when he continues, give him a few days to get his stuff together but tell him, "we're done. you have until Friday to pack your bags." We actually had to call the police to have our adult son removed. Sounds harsh, but the good news....after a few days, he came back with a WHOLE different attitude, promising to get it together. He drops the ball every once in a while now, but he knows we mean business so he doesn't get too far out of line. I highly recommend this approach. It is also a great thing for the younger ones to see that you don't mess around when it comes to your rules. One thing to keep in mind: DO NOT LOSE YOUR COOL if and when you get to the "pack a bag" part. Be as firm and kind as you can be. Hope that helps.

Rose - posted on 02/04/2010

You don't have to make him move out. Make him pay RENT, and have regular household duties. If he doesn't like the concept, he'll decide to move out himself.

Lorelei - posted on 02/04/2010

Well I'm sorry you're going through all that. I would just start doing things with the family and exclude him out. By not making him dinner/lunch/breakfast. I would simply say well son, you're an adult now, time to pay up the bills since you're living here.. Here are the part of the bills you will be paying your part, and it will cost you to do laundry in my house since you use our water. I fed you, brought you up, taught you how to take care of yourself, now you're an adult time you fend for yourself. If he doesn't oblige well then both of you start packing his stuff and start putting his things out on the front door and make him realize he gotta start growing up and figure out what he wants to do with his life. If he doesn't and tries to hurt you or your husband then have the police involve. Time for him to man up and you two to get on with your life.

Shalandrea - posted on 02/04/2010

Give him a time line to find a job and to move out, do it a step at a time and let him know his behavior is disrespectful and he is not a positive role model for his siblings. If it doesn't happen within the time frame you give you must enforce it, to let him know your are serious, because that's part of the problem he doesn't take you seriously. I wish you luck and I will be praying for you.

Peggy - posted on 02/04/2010

You only get treated the way you allow yourself to be treated, You have to tell you son that while he is staying under you roof he has to abide by your rules and respect you and your house, otherwise he will have to move out and find another place to stay.

Unfortunately I have to lay the blame at your door because you are the one that raised him. Values and manners are taught to children from their parents.

My daughter is 22yr old and dyslexic but she has many talents much more than I have,

but because of her disabilty she is unemployable.

I opened a micro lending business and gave it to her and the money that she makes she saves. She lives rent and food free, her medical aid and car insurance and any car repairs and fuel is paid by us.

I would'nt have it any other way, I have four children and if they were all still at home, I would be the happiest Mom on earth.

Cheryl - posted on 02/04/2010

If he is disrespectful to you and your family, then i say, tell him to leave and show him what the real world is like and then maybe if he comes back he will appreciate what you do for him

Blanca - posted on 02/04/2010

When I read your post and got to the part of bad attitude and cussing at you, I had to say "OH NO"!!! Give him a choice, straighten up and follow the rules or change the locks! My boys are 8, 6, 5 and 3 and we are already talking about moving out at 18, if they don't have a job or go to school! Good luck! I'm not looking forward to those days!!

CHERIE - posted on 02/03/2010

Empty nesting is Awesome! down size the House! everything, esp bills! YAY Congrats

Lori - posted on 02/03/2010

It is okay. They have to become responsible as well. And if no school or work than you need to use tough love. It is the only way they are going to learn if they want to. It seems to be popular i hear alot of parents saying the same things and it mostly the boys. When i grew up i starting making money at age 12. First real job at age 15 now a days the kids are lazy expect to be waited on hand and foot. Well i wish you all the best.

Gillian - posted on 02/03/2010

Hell yes - I have raised 6 wonderful children all of whom NOW after much encouragement (in fact we moved) live out of home - they finally get it - I have done my job and am always there for them and still help them out by stocking their fridges and occasionally sending them a gift card - they now have a new awareness of how life really is and a new found respect for parenting and especially women - the question is are you prepared to support him forever - if not time for some tough love!!

Fran - posted on 02/03/2010

Oi. Thats hard. If he is REALLY combative you may actually have to call the police to have him removed. Have you tried counselling? Even if he won't go, your family can learn how to handle the situation. There are so many unknowns and different situations for each family. It sounds like he may be depressed or have a dependency issue in there. I suggest crisis counselling asap to understand what to do AS A FAMILY. The other kids will be affected no matter what. They love him and you, too. I will pray for you here. Best wishes. So sorry.

Kim - posted on 02/03/2010

I think it should be a requirement that they move out when they turn 18 if they are not going to college or helping pay the bills. To make him move, you may have to evict him. You might want to check with the sheriff's dept or police to validate it. Grown kids think they can dictate to the parents nowadays. I have two grown ones at home also. One is about to go into the military. The other one might marry her boyfriend when he goes into the military & then, I will be down to two children at home. YEAH!

CHERIE - posted on 02/03/2010

Ok I know I am usually very stern with my replies, but , this one might sting a bit..
A} yes he has a Constitutional right to free speech... but he is a guest in your house at this point.. your roof your food, Child protecive services also has parantal protective services, especially from an 18 year old bully Adult Son. call them and complain.. he would if you treated HIM like that.
B} give him 60 days to get a Job, Go to a tech scool and learn a Trade. or use his free speech t o swear into the Military to Protect all these "Rights" he wants to claim. thats All bttom line, the or else part will come from NOT choosing one of the Above, a Homeless shelter has a long cold line these days. Tough Love is what your lovely Brat needs. God bless and Good Luck..in my prayers..
Gigi

Melinda - posted on 02/03/2010

well i can see most if not all are on the same wave length..i had more or less the same issues..her friends were telling her she could stay home for free but i quickly changed that frame of mind..i not only kicked her out once but twice she is now 23 and a house of her own and we have a great friendship .. the hardest thing a parent can do for their child is letting go but its the most rewarding in the end..i have a friend whos daughter(22) is still home, living of her and demands money when mom brings home the paycheque but can't even make a cup of coffee for her mother.. i have suggested alot of advice but falls on deaf ears..now i don't even listen to the bull anymore..give your son the greatest gift you can give him and thats his life while hes still young to live it...listen to someone who knows both sides of the fence..GOD BLESS!!

Kathy - posted on 02/03/2010

GIrl! if he is 18 WHY are you allowing this????? Sorry, i don't mean to sound like i am downing you, but in reality, if you "let" him live there free of charge, and you "let" him behave like he is behaving, you are enabling him. get ahold of him by the seat of the pants and show him the door!!!! disrespect like that should not be tolerated. it is hard to be the "bad guy" sometimes but if you don't you will spend years going thru the same thing with the siblings!!! Good luck!!!

Janice - posted on 02/03/2010

I think 18 is old enough to be indapendant. My 19 year old daughter has said that she would ask him to move out. She has a problem with depresion and is out of university at the moment But she is trying to get help and helps out with bills and many other things. She also intends to do a course part time to try and get back into study mode.

If your son is being disruptive to everyone else in your home it's time to toe the line or move on and see what it's like out in the world. It may just be the makeing of him!

User - posted on 02/03/2010

say good bye...if he cant show u respect let him experience just how hard life is without his family...sounds cold but seems like tough love is the only way to go here..good luck

Eileen - posted on 02/02/2010

tough love... It is time for you to have a conversation - here are our rules which include rent and contributions to food, and respect to all household members... while he has the right to free speech - he doesn't have the right to a free ride... I would sit him down and say these are the rules - which by the way do not include getting to know where he is or when he is coming home... he should be courteous enough to let you know if he will be there for meals but if he doesn't then don't prepare food for him.



He wants the priviledges of being an adult while maintaining the status of a child. It is time for him to grow up and be responsible.



If he doesn't follow the rules then change the locks, stop paying his bills, and pack his bag. Tell him that he has made his bed now let him lay in it - in some other house...



Good luck... and be strong...

Christine - posted on 02/02/2010

Yes it is I did it to my son it's called tough love I had no choice he refused to get a job n keep it

Paula - posted on 02/02/2010

I would do this.....set down some rules like curfew and a rent payment with a definate due date...and if these arent abided by......then he has to leave. Make sure you stick to the time frame. Don't forget to change the locks. Good luck!!!

Kateri - posted on 02/02/2010

I feel your pain the problem is to get him to respect you enough to either get a job and pay you rent or move out and pay some one else rent. idea 1. lock up food he only gets to eat if he does work around house or pays rent. idea 2. put usage control passwords on all entertainment. ie... internet, tv ect and he doesn't get pswd. i don't know if it will help every child is different and responds differently.

Vicki - posted on 02/02/2010

i know its hard but he needs tough love. DO you want him to be 30 and still living with you. everyone will breath easier if they all had a time out from your oldest.

Judith - posted on 02/02/2010

He doesn't have to move? Heck, change the locks when he is out one day. That will be just the wake up call he needs!

Mary - posted on 02/02/2010

you do not have tp take that abuse .legal evitct him with cout paper that what my sister did with her daugther

Roxanne - posted on 02/02/2010

When my oldest looked at me one day and said, I am done school and I am moving out. I said you will get your GED first then move out and once you do you will have to find a job to support your self becuase I will not be responsible for you any more. He was 17, almost done school, and felt as if he needed to be out in the big world doing what he wanted to do. When he came back and showed me he had got his GED, I packed his clothes, told him I love you, and said theres the door. This is called tough love.