Is there any other mums out there that has been through an abusive relationship.

Tracey - posted on 10/12/2009 ( 31 moms have responded )

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I went through an abusive relationship where he broke nearly every bone in my body. the hardest thing was making excuses to family and friends.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Bonnie - posted on 10/15/2009

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I have been abused in all forms, it took me being carried out on a stretcher with a neck brace to leave forever and file charges. MY CHILDREN WITNESSED THE ABUSE. I am not going to lie to you it wasnt easy I had to face him in court, get a order of protection and be there for my kids, all while I tried to heal my body. I contacted the nearest domestic violance home and set up counseling for myself and kids, they also have transitional housing. I have been free now for almost 5 years. I still have a order of protection and he has visitation to see the kids every other holiday (supervised) and one time a month Saturday to Sunday. No matter what you decide, I thought it was the best thing for the kids for me to stay in this relationship and I learned that I am hurting them more. If you need help or advice I am here for you. (YOUR NOT ALONE) I am actually walking for Angels Against Abuse. I also attend Take back the night. Hands are not for hitting.

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Holly - posted on 11/09/2009

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Yes I have been in an abusive relationship. I was married. He would verbally and ocassionally physically abuse me. I once went into a shelter with my children and was all set to do what I had to do in order for me to keep me and my children safe. Then when I got news that my uncle had died and that my ex had moved two strangers and a baby into the mobile home that my dad owned, I left the shelter and went back home. He would come home drunk and start yelling swearing and waking the children. My nights were hell on earth and the children would wake up crying in the middle of the night nearly every night and would sleep by me afterwards. Not unitl after going on a retreat with my church did I realized how bad the situation was at home and could no longer subject my kids to that kind of behavior and have them think that was normal. It is hard to see things clearly when you are just barely hold on and in the thick of it. A neighbor called the police one time, the police asked me if I was hurt, I answered no even though he had punched me his hardest into my side rib cage and I had trouble breathing. I was terrified of him and what he might do after staying in jail a while. I had him removed from our home and got a restraining order against him. He still called me though. That was in 2002. I was a mom of two little boys at the time ages 3 and 4. It was the hardest thing for me to do and the very best for my children and myself. My children and I have had no contact with him since. He did however call my dad two days before Father's Day this year. I don't know what he expected me to do, have my kids call him to wish him a Happy Father's Day and tell him what a terrific father he has been? Oh and while we were in the process of getting the divorce he did confess to doing drugs along with the drinking problem that I knew about that only had gotten worse. God has got me through this and he can do the same for anyone in a simular situation, it is never worth trying to fix things or wait for change to happen. JUST GET OUT!!!

Sue - posted on 11/07/2009

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Wow, I am shocked at the amount of post on this one.



You ladies need to wake up and have your own life. Don't rely on a man to do it, and why should he.



Get educated, or trained in some profession, hello.



What you women are saying is old school. Now days ya gotta work for what ya get and man, there is birth control..... been here for al long time.



I'm sorry I just get excited, but you young women out there gotta wake up, make your career.

TERESA - posted on 11/07/2009

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My youngest Son has had problems for years. He's getting released from prison soon and I am very hopefull and nervous, because we are letting him come home. He was never abusive phiysically, but emotionally, yes. He is 24 now. If your Son is physically abusive you have to do something. Maybe you could schedule an intervention with your loved ones.

[deleted account]

Hello, I too have been there and its a horrible place to be and yes one of the hardest parts were making excuses to people i loved

Michalynn - posted on 11/07/2009

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i was in an abusive marriage for 13 years. took many years to recover from the emotional and mental abuse. hope you are out of the relationship and seeking help to recover from the damage put upon you. there are many out there who have gone through some sort of abuse and are willing to help



micha

Donna - posted on 11/05/2009

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I was in an abusive relationship for 11 years. But did not realize it at the time. I just thought it was part of married life. Everyone kept telling me after the first year it will get better and then after the 3rd year and then 5th year etc. it never got better. Sad to say he left me. But it was the best thing he ever did for me. He had me convinced that no one else would have me so I stayed. Once he was gone it took about 3 months for me to stop feeling sorry for my self and make my life great again. I was single for about 9 months before I married my new husband of 12 years and life was great from the start and it still is. Did not have to wait for it to get better. I thank God for my life now and I now have a beautiful son. No children with first Husband so no reason to ever see him again and he moved out of state. So I guess I have a happly ever after story. But I will tell anyone in an abusive relationship to get out. You and your children deserve better.
Donna

Carla - posted on 11/05/2009

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I've been there and I feel for you. My ex husband (my daughter's father) used to tell me how much he wished I was dead while he was beating the crap out of me. Our daughter would cry and hide under the bed. I finally realized I had to get her out of it even more than I had to get me out. After I left, it stayed bad for a while. He had completely ruined my self esteem and he followed me and spied on me for about a year. We've been divorced for 6 years now, and he still talks about us getting back together! What a laugh. But you're right, making excuses is hard. It's unbelievable how hard it is to admit you are being abused, even though it's in no way your fault!

Laura - posted on 11/04/2009

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I was in an abusive relationship when I was 17, but thank God, a friend stepped in and helped me out. The important question is, are you out of it. If not, it is a possibility that he could turn his anger on to your children.

Nina - posted on 11/04/2009

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Mine was emotional. It has a hold on you too more than you think. I felt like I was going crazy sometimes.

Pam - posted on 11/04/2009

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i finally had my awakening - 25 yrs - check out these web sites and look up personality disorders - i believe mine is NPD narcissic personality disorder - but all personality disorders are very similar i am trying the information from Steve and Kim web site - i finally see it may very well be that i need to leave because unless he starts to love himself and admit he has issues, he cannot love me - but i am getting my head back on and taking things slow - i had fallen into his brainwashings emotional abuse co dependent - working on my self esteem etc i have contacted a shelter to go to if needed once i really start laying into him - it is sad - but i cannot continue to be responsible for his problems and abuse GOOD luck and keep investigating and learning all you can http://www.fightbusters.com/Fight_Buster... and http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/m... and there are many more on personality disorders

Dani - posted on 11/03/2009

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I have been in several abusive relationships. My first, is the father of my 2 oldest children. I was brow beaten and led to believe that it was always my fault. My 1st marriage was to a man who was a pillar of the community. ...established, church goer and well liked. Again, I felt it was my fault. I stayed because I was afraid to leave for many reasons... financial security being #1. I went for years through depression and self loathing. It spiraled out of control.. I have been hospitalized for both mental and physical damage. I had 2 more children with an abusive man.. Then one day, I just had enough. I packed all I had while he was at work and started over with absolutely nothing. It was hard, but can be done.. The bruises an broken bones have healed. the psychological damge will probably always be a part of my life. Get out while you can.

Dorothy - posted on 10/21/2009

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Stop Making Excuses for his behavior. I was in an abusive relationship with my first husband for 1 1/2 years. Everytime I opened my mouth if I said something that he disliked I got hit. If you allow this to happen to you it will get worse, and that's not a good thing. You have to get out of there, stop enabling him and move on with your life. You will survive. I went thru a Transition House, I was there til I could get my family out to where I was to help me. The fear is always there, but your life will improve without him. Counseling is always good and move out of the area. If he can't find you he can't hurt you.

Relli - posted on 10/19/2009

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Quoting Tracey:

Is there any other mums out there that has been through an abusive relationship.

I went through an abusive relationship where he broke nearly every bone in my body. the hardest thing was making excuses to family and friends.



And those very excuses are how I got abused. I thought I was tough and all. Didnt want my family and friends to know he had hit me. And he kept hitting, even through out the pregnancy. Then he raped me and threw me into a tub head first. A judge looked at me one day and said "3 restraining orders in two years........whats it gonna take to get you away from this man.....will I see you in a body bag next time?" I was done! Washed my hands. I began to live again that day. I never looked back and that was 13 years ago. My family and friends were hot when they found out. I had to beg some of them not to take matters into their own hands.



 



Are you out safely now? Glad you survived.

Lucinda - posted on 10/19/2009

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No the hardest thing is admitting to yourself that they will never change. Hiding the truth from your friends and family is a peice of cake. Leaving the lifestyle is the hardest. I know I was in one for 13 years

Karen - posted on 10/18/2009

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if you havent already get away for your sake and your childrens sake. the damage to your children can be turned around it is never too late.whether you have boys or girls they both will be affected. bouys will think its the way things should and become abusers, girls will seek out abusers. think of your kids do whatever it takes to keep this monster away from you and your kids. i had to go as far as dropping all my friends and most of my family and going away where i could not be found

Becky - posted on 10/17/2009

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Sounds like you are out of the relationship-I hope! IF you are still in it--get out as fast as you can. It only escaleates in time and brutality.Leave when he is gone for a few hours so you won't have to confront him.Don't worry about any threats he has made because you FIRST have to save yourself and kids if you have any.Then you can contact police,church,counselors,or family to prepare them for his approaching anger and manipulations.I will pray for your safety and your future decisions so you will heal yourself and NOT choose another jerk.

Susan - posted on 10/17/2009

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hi! I've married for 34 years and i understand how you feel and what you are going through. I think the best thing that has helped me is praying for my husband. I ask God to make him the husband that he wants him to be, the father that he wants him to be. God really does answer prayer! My husband is not perfect but he is a way better husband than he was years ago. I thank God that I did not leave him.

Michelle - posted on 10/16/2009

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October is domestic violence awareness month and I am grateful that it gets the spotlight for a month. I have been in an abusive relationship for 30 years and it never seems to go away. It is a verbally abusive relationship and has never escalated to physical abuse, but I know how you feel. It's embarrassing and you blame yourself and you don't know how to tell people because you're afraid they won't believe you. My husband always acts the part around other people so they think he's a nice guy. He's always more abusive when he drinks. I have prayed for a friend and I met a woman who just got divorced because her husband was abusive. Finally, someone who understands and will be there for me when I need advice. I also educated myself w/ books on domestic violence and went online for info. It really helped. I'm still here tho. I'm just hoping someday I will have the strength and determination to say enough is enough and leave.

Michelle - posted on 10/16/2009

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Cassandra, I understand the feeling guilty about putting my kids through that. They are doing good now. Sometimes they will mention what we went through, but they don't blame me in anyway. I sat down & talked to them & was completely honest. My babies & I have a great relationship.

Michelle - posted on 10/16/2009

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Yes, I was in an abusive relationship for8 1/2 years. I stayed initially because I knew he was abused as a child & I thought my love would heal him. I believed I could love all that anger out of him, then I stayed for the financial stability, then I stayed out of fear for my life. Finally I realized that if I didn't leave someone was going to die & I was determined it wasn't going to be me. I told him I was leaving & he attacked me. I had to fight back it was him or me. I had to stab him to try & get him off me & even then he got the best of me. My daughter was 8 at the time & she saved my life. She got a hammer & told him if he didn't get off of me she would hit him. That's the only thing that made him stop. I never looked back. He is in prison now because he was on felony probation for 5 yrs for the time he had beaten me before. If you haven't left, leave. Even though he never hit my kids it affected them emotionally. My son is 17 & harbors such anger towards him. He feels like he let me down because he didn't protect me, but he was just a little boy. Even though my physical wounds have healed, I still don't trust men. If I feel they are trying to control me in any way I close off & back off.

TERESA - posted on 10/16/2009

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You have to get out of this relationship. I have to be honest to say that I was at one time, and it happened just once a few years ago, but when I was a teenager I was in a very unstable relationship for 2 years and was fortunate to meet my husband that I have now. I have to tell you that it will mess you up mentally if you are still with this person.

Wynema - posted on 10/15/2009

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Making excuses is common in that life... I am 10 years out now and HAPPY!!! The things I told people that were "accidents" HAHAHAHHAHA And the things people will believe... Sadly, a lot of people do not believe he was abusive because I hid it so they never saw or heard anything... The long sleeves in summertime in the Mojave Desert should have been a clue to them, the scrapes on my face... It is sad what we hide due to embarrassment and/or fear!!!

Margaret - posted on 10/15/2009

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Tracey, I know how you feel. My first husband was both mentally and physically abusive. He drank a lot and the drunker he got the more abusive he got. I will say walking away was very hard, but I had a 3 1/2 yr old at the time and I knew if i didn't get out he would start hitting on my son. My family was hurt because i didn't tell them what was going on until i finally walked away. I am now very happily married to a wonderful guy. he knows everything that happened to me and was supportive to me while i pulled myself together.

User - posted on 10/15/2009

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i was in an abusive relationship for 15 years and finally ended it 16 months ago before i found out i was pregnant with our third child together (i have four children) i am so glad to be free but the worst thing i have had to overcome is the feelings of guilt of putting my kids through that nightmare and shame at myself for being so weak all those years i am slowly understanding the brainwashing they use and the threats he made were one thing that made me stay ....now i see him for what he really is a spineless freak who needs to dominate women and children to feel good about himself ...plan your escape well and go straight to a womens shelter there you will be more protected by the law than if you were on your own i beg you please leave before it is too late!!!

Dawn - posted on 10/14/2009

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Quoting Tracey:

Is there any other mums out there that has been through an abusive relationship.

I went through an abusive relationship where he broke nearly every bone in my body. the hardest thing was making excuses to family and friends.


Hi Tracey



I was in an abusive relationship too, My abuse started when i was 6 months pregnent with my 1st child, why I stayed I'll never no, But I did mores the pity, He was a alcoholic, and that was my excuse to stay, I had 3 other kids, All the only thing I hold dear to me, I am now happily divorced, and living my life as I see fit, I came alive when I left my husband and never regretted leaving him for 1 min, Ask me if I would take it again, And I'll tell you no, A man will never put there hands on me aging, I hope if your still in that relationship that you will soon have the courage to walk away, I left everything bar what I could fit into the boot off my car behind me, I left EVERYTHING behind me. I no its hard but there is help out there for women that have been through this, I am now a very happy person, Please again if your still in it GET OUT, 



Well tracey if u need to chat Im here for you



 



All the best



Dawn (dawn_moir@ hotmail.com )

Tracy - posted on 10/14/2009

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That is true. The only thing I can tell you,is You know what you can handle and what you cannot.If you are out of the situation move on! Don't look back! You do not need to explain yourself to anyone what your reasons are for what happened unless YOU want to talk to themabout it. There are many things that happen in a relationship that people will not understand,As long as YOU know what is happening or what happened and why, and YOU understand,that is what counts. Family and friends can say what they want. You will be the one who handles the cnsequences. They care so they will get mad and upset that is natural.You may feel uneasy for a while but you will get your confidence back in time.If you don't want to talk about it with anyone that is completely your business.but if you need to talk to someone go ahead if you think that they can handle it without blabbing or making you feel worse. You are going to be ok. It may take some time,but you will make it- You are on your way ! Good luck

Antoinette - posted on 10/13/2009

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i have been throught that before but his family told me to leave but i fought his butt back and when i had my child i rolled the hell out and never look back a man is only going to do what you allow him to do to you you must have leave that man or you may end up dead you have a child to think about

Marsha - posted on 10/12/2009

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I briefly experienced this many years ago. It was not hard for me to put an end to it after the 1st episode. I'm not going to take abuse from no one. And please don't be weak and accept that treatment from anyone. If someone's abusing you, they do not love you. So why stay and risk being killed and subjecting your children to this environment. Be strong and seek help from your family and friends.

Jennifer - posted on 10/12/2009

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You know I was in a very abusive relationship, with my daughters father. And I didn't really realize how much power I had given him until one day I looked around and all my friends were gne and my family had just stopped calling. It is at that point that I realized that number one, his abuse was not my fault..but I helped create the nonster..by giving up all my support.

The good news, Tracey..is that there are people who love you..and understand you. You are not alone...which is good because that is what he wants, you isoloated.



You are strong and much smarter than he once thought..just hold your head up and move forward...never look back and don't second guess yourself

Pam - posted on 10/12/2009

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Yes, I was actually in two abusive relationships and would lie and make every excuse to hide the bruises. I was hospitalized four times in my first marriage. He would only hit me when he was messed up on drugs and alcohol but that's still no excuse. He committed suicide when I finally left him. He was a good husband when he was sober but when he was under the influence, he was very mean. The second one was a ten year relationship and he would do it just because and threatened me and my family if I ever left. He even put a knife to my throat a few times threatning to kill me. I was terrified to leave but I finally did even though he stalked me for awhile until I moved away. I still have nightmares about them coming to get me, even my dead husband coming back from the grave to get me and I'm still afraid the other will find me. It takes time but if you have a good support system, you will get through it and survive which surviving is the key word. Get out now before one or both of you wind up dead. You can always contact me as a support system anytime.....Pam Lints 352-321-1524

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