life with my 28 yr old son has become intolerable. how can i get him to leave?

BAAL - posted on 03/29/2010 ( 46 moms have responded )

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hello



i am a divorced mum living with my 28 yr old son. for the last couple of years life has become more and more difficult with him. it has come to a point now where he no longer shows any respect for me at all. he is rude; continually drunk; he refuses to comply with any house rules and he struts around like he owns the place, behaving however he pleases. i have asked him to leave several times, but he just ignores me. in fact, he is making me feel miserable and unwanted in my own home. i have had enough. where do i stand legally? i own the property, but he does contribute financially to household bills, etc. does he have the same rights as a tenant? i live in England. thankyou

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Danielle - posted on 04/03/2010

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Hello
When i recently got together with my husband now my eldest son was 22 and lazier than all get out. We tried to do all we could to include him in family stuff but he just shut down and didn't do or go anywhere including looking for a job....his filthy language was had for me and hubby and I still have my daughter at home and she doesn't need to hear that stuff. He was also rude and wouldn't comply with some of the house rules.
Anyways we gave him a deadline to move out. It was hard on me because he is my son but I stuck with "tough Love" and helped him find a place close to work etc. I just kept urging him that this was better for all of us or I would end up hating him....
I don't think he has any rights to your home; You can even get legal about it and give him written notice with reasonable time allowance to move out but also stating if he isn't out by a date then you will have to get the police involved. You can ask a paralegal as well -- they may be able to help you out. Good luck. I understand how you feel. Hang in there.

Sharon - posted on 04/01/2010

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Give him a workable move out date and stick to it. Move his things out yourself if he doesn't do it himself. Put the stuff in your garage. And don't let him move back in. Not for any reason...they can come up with some good ones. It's for his own good. Don't enable him.Hang in there. And if he's a drinker you need to go to a ALANON meeting. Tough love is hard. And it only gets harder the older they are. Do him and yourself a favor and be tough. That safety net you are providing makes it easy for him to stay and/or come back. You must take some of the responsibility for the problem. You've made it easy for him. Admit it and do the hard thing. Good luck.

Jane - posted on 03/29/2010

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I would get advice from your local c.a.b, but i shouldn't think he has the same rights as a tenant. Good luck, sweetheart.

Cindy - posted on 04/05/2010

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I don't have it as bad as you do I wish my 26 year old son would help more in the finance department I am 45 and both of my boys live with me the youngest is 21 this June and is very dependible in money and responsibility however my 26 year old is not I feel like I have a free loader on my hands. it is very hard to want to put him out because he has no place togo not even his car because his car sits in my driveway broke down and has been broke down for over a year. I don't know what legal rights your son would have but if there is nothing in righting I would think he has no rights to your home but being your son. If you need some one to talk with I am here and I have a yahoo address also it is misticwido@yahoo.com I look forward to hearing from you I hope you get the answer you need also.

your new friend Cindy

Donna - posted on 04/03/2010

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It has to be so hard having your own son treat you like this but you have to do what is best for you. Call the police and ask if you can have him removed. If you can change the locks on your door and ask the neighbors to let you know if they see him lurking around your place. He will be very angry for you doing this but it will force him to grow up. Good luck and be safe.

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JoAnn - posted 1 day ago

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Hello.
I find myself here because of my adult son. My husband (74 yrs old)of 32 years (not my sons father) and myself (59 yrs old), and we are both disabled. My husband is much more so then I am.
Recently I broke down and called out to my son which lived in another state to get help for me with upkeep of our home and yard. Both are very hard on me since I carry full burden and our income leaves no room for hired help. My youngest was very interested wanting to relocate back down south. I am a recovering alcoholic of 14 years. Alcoholism are prominate on both side of my and his family. I knew he drank. When we talked on the phone I was very clear what I needed help with and stressed that I didn't want any drinking in the house and if this was acceptable to him he would be very welcome. I must include that we have had been estrange due to his behavior 12 years ago, but I was willing to put that aside. I needed help with housework/yardwork.
He arrived and the 1st month was great. He had his own income due to a injury while in military years ago so he said he would be financially good.
The 2nd month...he decided he needed a job and got hired with a good company. The help I needed stopped. He started drinking as well, openly. I reminded him I didn't want him drinking in the house. The next night I heard a beer can open and found him drinking again and things got physical. I called police but didn't want him arrested due to him getting a good job. I thought this would wake him up to my seriousness.
Next he went out of town for 4 weeks training ( the help I needed put on hold). He would
come home for the weekends give my husband a few $100.00and disappear into his room or go play basketball. When in his room I can smell beer when he open the door to go to the bathroom. The smell of stale beer or beer sweat sickens me. I can tell he has been drinking by his attitude. Last week we got into it again over a comment I made about the help I was not getting which esculated again into physical issues. He been drinking. He reminds me of his alcoholic father that I no longer want him in my home. He hands my husband money and thinks that is all he needs to do. I don't want his money. I, me, needed physical help. I told him he needed to find another address, I wanted him out. He said I can't kick him out. Before I get into trouble by throwing his stuff into the shed and spending money I really can't spare to change locks...what should I do? There is no lease or written agreements.

Gina - posted on 04/08/2010

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that sounds great !! Good for you I wish you wee around years ago wheni needed something like that . If there is a great concern to share info with the mother ? Just wondering i think that would be very helpful . Especially in cases where there is depression leading to possible suiside . Drugs or if this young man is into something else way over is head. It is my understanding that there is usually an underline reason to why they act this way......I am not saying there is no spoiled rotten ungreatful freeloading young men and women out there. I just know they aren't always bad,, I went through it too.

Debra - posted on 04/08/2010

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To the Mom who took her son's belongings to the homeless shelter
YOU MAAM ARE VERY CREATIVE !!! KUDOS !!! I am a home economist and i have
a blog for these young adults to help them to get over the fear and be independent
it is www.finallyonURown.blogspot.com if you are still speaking to your son would you please have him post his comments and thoughts on my blog so that he can add his perspective? thanks so much!

Gina - posted on 04/07/2010

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exactly !! You hit it the nail right on the nose. But lets be honest though as much as this needs to happen him moving out. I and others do understand it is easier said than done. Yet you have to sometimes put yourself first and it isn't being selfish in fact it is good for everybody involved. Trust me i have been there and done that . 8-)

Gina

Kellean - posted on 04/07/2010

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There are several ways to get him to leave. It just depends on how extreme you want to go. Can you live without him helping you with bills and so forth? If you can't then you will need to be careful how you pursue this.
It is your home and you are the owner. You can call the police and have him removed. You can file a restraining order. You could get a lawyer as to know how to go about it. You could change the locks and when he comes home disorderly you could call the police. You could move and get a smaller place that you can afford and somewhere he can't bother you anymore. It think the biggest key is getting a lawyer, they can help you in all areas so that your son won't have rights to anything.
Most importantly your son is an adult and he needs to move on.

Gina - posted on 04/07/2010

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OMG that really sucks. You just got married , congratulations !! What does your new husband think about this? Why doesn't he give your son a dead line or ultimatium ? What have you an dyour hubby already tried ? I rented a home so it was easy enough to just find a 1 br one. So he had NO other choice but to move out. Is your son abusiv ein any way towards you or/and your husband ? If so did you try the police to remove him? You are not a bad Mom for wanting him out. You have raised them it i syour time now. you can be there for them for morale support and sunday dinners ...if their are grandchildren for the occasional babysitter. That is still being a good mom . My boy doesn't think bad of me for doing what i did he understood /understands now why i did what i did . So will your son when he matures and sees how hard it is to make a living and pay for the basics. Good luck talk to you soon . Thank you for this post

Melissa - posted on 04/07/2010

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I'm having similar issues with my just today turned 20 year old. The more you let them get away with it the more they take. Do Not put up with it. Mine tried the you can't make me and the You know I have no where else to go bit.. real simple, if they don't have anywhere else to go they need to treat us better. It's called an eviction notice and restraining order.

Elizabeth Jane - posted on 04/07/2010

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Would you put up with a tenant like your Son? If you are financially strapped I would suggest a stranger for a tenant. Secondly grab the nearest Alanon Meeting close to you.Then let go and Let God!

Bonnie - posted on 04/07/2010

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I have the same problem. My 21yr old moved in a yr ago telling me that he would help out with bills. He helps w/nothing, eats my food, has his friends over all hrs of the nite upstairs. Has completely taken over my upstairs. When I moved in the plan was the 2rms upstairs..one would be a guest rm, the other my computer/office rm to keep track of bills etc...or just escape to get on the puter. Turns out, he has the BIG rm, the one with the walk in attic space, and now he has taken the other rm and turned it into a weight rm. I have small closets and some of my clothes are in the closet up there. Went to get in it last nite, he wasn't home and the weight bench was pushed up against it. I am SO TIRED of him being here!! I've raised my kids, I want them around me, in my life...but not LIVING w/me! Is that so bad?? Am I a bad mom? He has no job,no car and lost his license for driving w/out insurance, has no where else to go...who's gonna let him live off them for free(even tho he has a ton of friends w/their own places)? Each day...I just wish he'd tell me he is moving. I've gotten re-married and it's only been a yr that we've been married and..we can't even have a normal honeymoon period...this really sucks!

Gina - posted on 04/05/2010

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I feel for patricia also can anyone ever understand why we give them everything to help them becaome responsible adults . Tools to respect people . to be true to yourself and follow the law. We teach them how to treat others and so on and yet something happens from 8 yrs on...with some though not all. I have 3 grown children now and they are different as night and day in some ways . They all had their drag out debates...a polite way of saying it..but they grew up to be great adults all work and run their own lives. Lik ei explain in my very first conversation here my middle child was the only one that gave me surprising amount of static. But we are fine and NOW HE SEES what i was trying to teach him. Some just take a hell of a lot longer i guess. And you are right no respect , no love , no trust i think it is a snowball effect. My personal opinion . ;-)
Gina Hodder

Carrol - posted on 04/05/2010

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it is time to give some tuff love he is 28 tell him you love him but he has two weeks or thrity days to get his own place...it is not working out with the two of you. tell you wont live with him or anyone eles with out respect.
its hard it can be done i know

Cynthia - posted on 04/04/2010

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Change your locks and evict him we di not have to stand for our children disrepecting us in OUR home. If all else fails call the police and have him removed I know that you still love him but you are the parent.

Mary - posted on 04/04/2010

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IF he doesn't respect you then I'd evict like any landlord would do with lousy noisy tenants... its going to be hard on you emotionally but your sanity has to come first now.

Connie - posted on 04/03/2010

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HE NEEDS HELP FAST .DON'T GIVE UP,BUT STOP GIVING IN.I LOST MY ONLY SON 10 YEARS AGO AND KNOW WE HAVE HIS 2 KID'S I LOVE VERY MUCH.I KNOW WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH.GET HIM OUT NOW.FOR YOU AND HIM.I'LL BE PRAYING FOR YOU.

Gina - posted on 04/03/2010

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hello my name is Gina an di am 50 years old. 4 year ago i lived with my middle child 26 yr old son. I had told him that as long as he was going to college he could live with me so he could concentrate on school. Sounds good right ? Wrong. He was always runningme down ,calling me names, cursing at me, and when he got a summer job making great money didn't offer me a dime. he was li ethis since he was a teenager though.
I was renting a house, and i was talking to my sister about this matter and it was her who suggested that i just look for a one bedroom apartment and he would have no chioce but to move out. It sounds mean but i had to do it to save my sanity and to live my life. He didn't talk to me for a while and had plenty of struggles .
h ehas been in Edmonton for over 3 years , calls me at least 2 times a week and e-mails me. he tells me ho wmuch he learned from me and how much i gave up so he and his sister and brother could have what they need. he tells me i always gave them love that they all knew they were loved. Oh yes, one more thing and this willmake you laugh...he is now my vioce of reason!! LOL We have a real great relationship now. I don't know how long ago you posted your conversation,,, i just hope it has worked out. If it is a resent thing than try something along this line . Good luck
Gina Hodder

Vaunda - posted on 04/03/2010

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I agree with Joan. Contact the local authorities. Get some legal advice. Set up a counselor for yourself. Your son will have to learn some self-respect before he can give it to others. If his drinking is constant you may also want to look into a support group for yourself..for loved ones who are struggling with alcoholics..Your son may be upset with you initially but once you stop supporting his behavior he will have to find another way to communicate with you...a healthier way. Good luck!

Anita - posted on 04/03/2010

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In no ways allow your son to walk over you, its your home and your life and you have not slogged to bring him up to take this nonsense from him. He contributes financially and thats what makes him think he can rule over you. You need to stop taking from him and show him the door. I know it will be difficult for you if you need the money but its better that then taking all this from an ungrateful son. consult a lawyer or counselor and report him and take a hard stand and get him off your property and home.

Belinda - posted on 04/03/2010

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Getting assistance from the authorities with removing him from your home is an option,However the underlying cause of your sons behavior maybe his drinking.Consider giving him the option of going to a substance abuse treatment center /Detox as an option. You can then address his living situation with him while is sober and able to make some realistic decisions about his living situation and his futher.God bless.

Olivia - posted on 04/02/2010

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I don't know about what the law in England are, but you don't need to put up with it. Don't ask him to leave, TELL him. His behavior is abusive and unacceptable. Whenever he is drunk and/or being abusive verbal or otherwise, call the police and have him removed. Perhaps the judge will help him see the error of his ways.

Denise - posted on 04/02/2010

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I dont care where you live if yu can support yourself and I suggest that you do which leaves him powerless over you and kick his behind out. Believe me your not doing him any favors letting him stay. He needs to grow up and you need to get a life. I know it sounds harsh but its the reality of it. My oldest tried the same thing. He thanks me now! he kives on his own.

Stephanie - posted on 04/02/2010

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Change the locks on your door,cut him off financially and get a restraining order, I hate to say this but your enabling him, we teach people how to treat us by how we respond. Time for the youngster to learn some harsh lessons and grow up.

Babs - posted on 04/02/2010

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Hi,
Rights or no rights, He is your son. I get the feeling that maybe after your divorce you and your son were all each other had and perhaps you let him get away with things he shouldn't have because of your own guilt.
If he shows you no respect, it's because you no longer respect your self or your home.
Sorry to sound harsh but I have had a similar thing and have come through it by regaining the standards I set when my eldest was young. I hurt my children by leaving their Dad and felt guilty I broke up their home. They saw me vulnerable and chose to take advantage, which isn't the same as you, but as mums we always feel we should be there for our children.
You need to find some time to talk to your son and explain how you feel, listen to how he feels, then set some rules and stick to them even if it goes against what you feel you should feel for your offspring. He is a man now... not a child... and you are as individual and worthy of respect as he is.
The best thing in life is tough love... although children never see it... one day they will return to it as a core of learning.
As a mum I believe we raise our children with the necessary tools to go into the world... that doesn't always happen, however at 28 I feel you have done the hard work and though I know you will always be there for him, he can't take out his frustrations on you forever. Darling take the bull by the horns and do what you feel in your heart is right for you! It is your home and you have every right to conduct it as you wish, your son should be grateful he has such a loyal and understanding mum.
I wish you all the best
Kind Regards
Babs

Kathie - posted on 04/02/2010

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Well you could tell him that as of a certain date that you will put all of his stuff out on the porch and change the locks if he hasn't moved out by that time. Or you could do what i would probably do which would moan and groan about it while just living with it. As for you living in england, all countries have different laws, maybe call your local police dept (non emergency line) and ask them.

Mary - posted on 04/01/2010

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Oh my gosh, you're preaching to the choir girlfriend! I have a 23 year old who does everything you describe, but instead of drinking he's on the pc playing games. I've tried everything to get the kid out; from being reasonable and setting time limits to getting down right mean .... and he still wouldn't go. Thank God he joined the Army and is leaving for bootcamp in 4 weeks. Don't ask me how this miracle happened, but it did and I thank God every day. My prayers are with you because short of selling and moving I certainly don't have the answer! Good luck!

Heather - posted on 04/01/2010

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God!! that sounds terrible!!At the end of the day who does he think he is ? He may contibute financually but you are still his mum!!But the trouble is they now hoe to work us as my two kids do it to me but eventually you have to be strong and i think you have to pack his stuff up and put it on the stepps and say - Goodbye -get your own place!!!I know it will be hard but he is not a child anymore!! Big hugsx

Donna - posted on 04/01/2010

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He has no rights living in your house other than the ones you choose to give him. Take your home back and have him evicted. I know it sounds cruel but you would not let anyone else live in your home and disrespect you.Call the police if necessary.It sounds like his illness is escalating towards violence.

Cynthia - posted on 03/31/2010

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If his name is not on the lease or ownership of the house, he has no legal rights to be there. Take it from someone who's been there....you get what you take. You need to tell him he's out and when he leaves next time, lock the doors and don't let him in. Call the local police ahead of time and explain situation and give them a heads up there might be trouble so they are prepared. You'll find them quite helpful answering questions. Then make arrangements to change the locks. It sounds like his behavior is exacerbated (excuse spelling if wrong) by his drinking. This situation could get out of hand very easily. You need to say enough is enough and then STICK TO IT. There is no excuse for his behavior, and I know what it's like to feel your home has been taken over by someone. Your home should be your haven and a safe, comforting place for you...not a source of stress. It's amazing how fast they learn how hard life can be once they are tossed from the nest. He is WAY old enough to be out on his own, and is showing irresponsibility not to get his own place. I hope this helps. Trust me I've been there. You have to do it or you will be living in hell and have no one to blame but yourself. You might not be able to control him, but you can control your environment. Good Luck.

Linda - posted on 03/31/2010

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MOM YOU CAN NOT JUST PUT HIM OUT, THE LAW WILL TELL YOU THAT. YOU WILL NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT YOU CAN LEGALLY DO.IN TEXAS ALSO !

Toyi - posted on 03/31/2010

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This is what tough love can accomplish..

My son was discharged a yr ago this month, he came home and life started over as though he was still in highschool! UUGG!! Well you read my post from yesterday.

Late last night he sent me a text msg saying... "You may have not been the greatest or always did the right thing in my eyes but i know you knew best. You have been a real good mother."

That msg alone made the years of tears, heartache, and total frustration melt away in seconds.! Tough love hurts and is hard but in the long run it will pay off!

Celeste - posted on 03/31/2010

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Simple...if you pay the bills and he doesn't do anything to help you out....you have a couple of choices. I have a contract that my counselor worked up for me that you can reword to fit your own circumstances. If your son cannot get his "act" together and help you out like a man....then give him an exact date when he is suppose to leave. If he does not comply....call the police and have him removed. If you fear retaliation...get a court order. I tell my son all the time that he may hate me now but the "responsibility" that I am teaching him is for his own good and if he doesn't like my "rules" his only other choice is to leave. I am not saying this is easy....tough love is hard. However...you have to ask yourself if your son is living up to his potential and are you enabling him? That was the hardest part for me. Goodluck hon!! If you are interested in the contract.....please do not hesitate to contact me. Hugs

Catherine - posted on 03/31/2010

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Sit down with him when he is sober & tell him nicely how you feel heart to heart he needs to move on and grow up & that this should be your time to regain your life back! You are on your own to be the 'Bigger Person" and take charge of your life! He needs to take charge of his own life away from dependency on you his mom!! Him disrespecting you is hateful and should not be tolerated by ANYONE especially your own child at 28 living still at home!! He should be thankful for you keeping him on-board this long! If that doesn't work get a court order if he gets violent or demanding to stay and refuses your wishes! You need to stand up for yourself as a single parent and not feel guilty for your decision!! You are most likely making him worse by letting him stay and not GIVING HIM ANY RESPONSIBILITIES!! Think about it. You are not just helping yourself but, Helping YOUR 28yr old SON :) DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kathy - posted on 03/30/2010

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You nmight check with your local law enforcement office as the laws vary even from state to state in the US. I nwould not allow him to disrespect me regardless of what or how much he pays. The longer you tolleriate this the more he will continue to dish it out to you. Put him on the other side of that door and let him know when he can stand up and behave like a grown son should and treat you with nothing short of respect then you mgiht consider but until that happens he can go elsewheres to live. If you put up with it trust me from experience it only gets WORSE! God Bless

Toyi - posted on 03/30/2010

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I am in Texas USA, had the same problem with my youngest son. I had to have him evicted by the county courts. I filled out the papers, filed them with the county court and the sheriff's dept. came on the eviction date and moved him out. Since then he has gotten a job, and is living on his own! It was the best thing I did for him but the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

BAAL - posted on 03/30/2010

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thankyou everyone for ur advice. i have an appointment with CAB later in the week and will update u on what happens. u are all exactly right; i must do something - for his sake as well as mine. thankyou

Michelle - posted on 03/30/2010

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Hi ~ I know how difficult a time you are having. I also had a son that was living at home when I didn't really want him there due to his attitude. Although he wasn't verbally abusive, my husband wouldn't allow that, he didn't respect us as he should. He was lazy and wouldn't find a job or help around the house without us asking, then demanding, he do so. Finally, we had to just get him out. We packed his personal things up in boxes and stored them. Then we packed his clothing and took it to a homeless shelter. When he came back to the house, we gave him the address of where his clothes were and asked him if he wanted us to take him there or if the would get there on his own!! Here in the US I think that is called "Tough Love"... It was the best thing we could do for him, allowing him to continue to live at home was enabling him to not be successful... He seems to be doing better and our relationship is beginning to repair itself as he becomes more and more successful. I know this is kind of extreme but I hope it helps! Michelle in Arizona USA

Kathy - posted on 03/29/2010

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Here in Texas, USA as long as you are the owner of the property, you have a right to evict. He would have no more rights than a tenant in an apartment . Evict him through legal channels and don't allow him to mistreat you any longer.

Glenda - posted on 03/29/2010

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I would think if you have asked him to leave and he will not, then call the police, and have him removed!!!! it is your house, just tell them you are being verbally, and emotionally abused!! good luck, and keep us updated on what happens!!! its a shame that your son doesnt respect you and love you for all you have done for him, God bless you, and good luck!!!! Glenda in Savannah Ga (USA)

Joan - posted on 03/29/2010

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After you get input from local government, or just police on how to handle situation, I would give a date to move out and stick to it. Once he is out then you can mend your relationhip. You may need the assistance of a good counselor to guide you through these steps. Good luck!!

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